I'm re-posting my earlier request for insight or other perspectives on my situation. Something new came up this past weekend and I'll add that at the end.
greergan had responded asking me why my husband stayed. greergan, did you mean when my A was discovered or when things with the co-worker were moving toward an EA?
Someone else also responded previously, and I'm sorry, I don't remember who. They mentioned to be careful of OW's "victim" and the "knight in shining armor" role.
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I’ve been lurking for a couple months and would like to ask for some insight from you knowledgeable, experienced folks on the board.
First, some background: In 2001, I had an EA-turned-PA with an out of town OM and BH caught me in a lie and discovered the A. BH and I went to 1 MC session together and he did 1 IC, but I wasn’t receptive to counseling bec (looking back now) I was embarrassed and angry that I got caught. We discussed some how my EN’s weren’t being met (w/o that specific terminology bec we didn’t know about MB). We went on with our lives as if nothing had happened and very rarely mentioned the A; there were 3 more mtgs w/OM before the A died a “natural death”. NC for the past 2 yrs 8 months.
Two months ago, I was unable to reach BH by mobile phone during the work day; didn’t worry until the work day ended. That evening he revealed that he had taken that day off from work and spent it with a female co-worker (they work in different departments in the same bldg) to talk about their problems w/their respective marriages. He said nothing physical happened and I believe him; but intimate details (such as SF frequency, how OW’s H behaves when SF is wanted) about each marriage were shared with the other person. They each counseled the other to go home and talk with their respective spouses bec they each want to “save” their own marriage. In fact, she even told BH about HNHN but I think BH found the MB site on his own.
To make a long story short, BH and I determined that he was in the beginnings of an EA w/OW. I know they’ve lunched together and exercised together in a group with other co-workers. (Due to some work related issues she’s having in her department, she’s been kinda “adopted” by BH’s all-male department.) She has phoned BH on his mobile during weekends and work holidays from her mobile phone and home. She finally stopped calling him when I called back an unfamiliar number from his mobile, heard her voice and hung up. She told him she didn’t realize she was creating problems for him and she would stop calling; previous to that, BH had told her we were working on our M and that he couldn’t discuss her M problems with her anymore.
I’ve been to 1 IC and we have both been to 3-4 MC. We’ve discussed EN’s (O&H is one of my top 5 – yes, ironic I know, considering the past) and I’ve told BH I feel threatened by OW. He continues to lunch with her in a group. What really bothers me is that he doesn’t volunteer that he’s lunched with her in the group; I have to question: “What did you do for lunch today? Who with?” I don’t like the position that puts me in, bec I don’t want to interrogate. He gets upset when I’m upset that I’ve had to question and then find out she was at lunch; he feels he has done nothing wrong and that I’m getting mad at him for having done nothing wrong. I’ve told BH that I’d like him to include info about the lunches together just as he recounts his work day to me, but he just won’t tell me on his own. It’s very frustrating for me; him not giving me that O&H about that situation is a LB for me – and I’ve shared that with him.
BH told OW he was being taken for granted and wasn’t appreciated. Since we’ve been going to MC, that’s changed to “there’s something wrong or lacking in our M”; now, it’s “there’s an emptiness, something missing in me but I don’t know what it is”. We’ve had more SF, I’m showing appreciation and affection, and even participating/initiating (and enjoying) athletic RC (I’m not an athletic person).
What can I do or what can I change so that BH will be comfortable and safe in giving me O&H about group lunches in which OW is present?
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New development: OW sent a text message to H's cell phone wishing him a Happy Easter and she signed her name with her first initial, not name. With the past conversations they've had, I feel like she is pursuing him and he either doesn't realize it's happening or is allowing it.
Anyone? Suggestions?
