I have been married since 7/31/04. My H and I have been together for about 4.5 years now and we've had some rough spots. We have dealt with an affair while we were dating. We basically went through it. I left him and set my guidelines, for a year and a half he proved that he was trustworthy and then we got married. Over the last 4 months, the signs have started coming. The over defensive nature, the need for privacy and space and time alone. The excessive contact with a female friend, and then very recently the unaccounted for time. On Saturday night I surprised my husband with concert tickets and we had a blast, because we moonlight together in the wee hours of the morning we went straight to work after the concert. He had taken some photos on his phone of the concert and after we got home I had asked him if I could look at the pictures on his phone... well I did and I sent one to myself, but it wasn't going through so I checked the outbox and what do I find? A text msg to his "friend" that says "Bye Lover". I immediately confronted him on it and he accused me of going through his stuff (one of his deal breakers), and said the msg didn't mean anything - it was just a term of endearment. Oh my goodness I wanted to scream, do I have IDIOT tattooed on my forehead? I had him call her and I asked her and she of course said there was nothing going on and then when I started to ask her another question he ripped the phone out of my hand, hung up and then told me "its over". We argued, quite nastily, over the next hour and then I left. I've been staying with my girlfriend for the last week... but he and I have been talking. Cheating has always been a dealbreaker for me, but he swears the msg meant nothing. He has promised to end the friendship with her to try and fix things, but yet he's still in contact with her. He's agreed to go to counseling with me and we're talking about doing the courses from this website, but he still won't admit that he cheated; and he accuses me of breaching his privacy and not being able to trust me either because I went through his things... so now he's just going to always have to delete his msgs from his phone.

I don't know what to do or where to begin or even if I should. I've been doing a lot of soul searching these last couple days and every time I close my eyes to sleep I can only picture them together, he says I'm fixating and that nothing happened... but to me infidelity is not just about sex, its about sharing intimacies with another person that only an H&W should share, that msg regardless of the meaning behind it was enough to be infidelity for me.

I've ordered "surviving an affair", but it hasn't even been a year and this is the 2nd time this has happened. We've already rebuilt the trust once... is there another chance or do I look like the patsy if I take him back again? I want to work things out because I love him with my whole soul and when I said "I Do" I meant everything that entails. I asked him this morning to tell me what marriage means to him, I guess he's working on it.

Seeking Guidance Please.

Shannon

***he accuses me of breaching his privacy and not being able to trust me either because I went through his things...***

JustMarried, so sorry you have to be here. Your husband's words are completely typical of the unrepentant cheater -- HE can't trust YOU sheeeeeyeah right.

This is not a man who is married. This is just a man who has a wife. It's not the same thing.

Please, please, please do not have children with this man -- not for a good long time. He has already shown you who he is. Believe him.

Mulan

This marriage is getting off to a very VERY 'iffy' start. Sorry.


I guess he does not believe you mean what you say. Again, sorry.


You know this is all very bad news, right?


You made a foolish agreement if you agreed never to look at his 'stuff'. There is a difference between 'secrecy' and 'privacy'. Your H wants to keep secrets from you.



This is complete and utter crap. Don't even consider this to be factual.

Is this girl married?
Is she a co-worker of his?

I think there is a serious lack of honesty within your marriage.


Right now, you are looking at reconciling with a man who:

A. thinks he has a right of secrecy from you.
B. thinks you are dumb and believe his crappy lie.
C. is (as far as you know) at minimum a 2-time cheat.
D. is an easy comfortable liar.
E. puts your comfort far behind his need to hide something

Best of luck to you ...

Hold firm to your boundaries that you cannot and willnot live with a liar, a cheat, a disrespectful husband. Don't even consider letting this go ... until you KNOW he is finally being truthful with you.

Just my opinion.

Pep

I have nothing to add to this except that you have just been given advice from two of the best people this site has to offer!!

They both (obviously) have a great way of cutting through the crap.

My advice, listen carefully.

Thank you to all who have responded. Your words cut through me like a knife, but I know that truth is not supposed to be a dull blade.
I never agreed not to look through his things, but I did agree to be respectful and ask first so he knew what I was doing (not for permission). This woman is a co-worker and someone I thought was a mutual friend, someone I invited into my home for dinner and Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I just feel utterly destroyed right now... I hate feeling sorry for myself... but I can't eat and can't sleep, I can't function for more than a few hours without breaking down hysterically in tears. Is this normal? I want to run away from everything, be like a child and hide under the bed, but not from the boogey man, from the emotions that crash over me.

Hearing and trying to listen.

Shannon

Are you on anti-depressants? They can be most helpful about now.

You also need to discuss this out in the open with a trusted counselor.

Remember, your H cannot fix what he does not admit is a problem.

I strongly suggest you read up about Plan A on this site.

Begin a Plan A ... for a very brief time limit ....

Get your H lulled into getting sloppy about covering his tracks.

In the meantime... get information.

Lots of ways to do this.

Hire a PI
Put a voice-activated recorder under his car seat
Get the cell phone records
Get the credit card records
Drop in on him unannounced at work to bring him a little gift
Keep track of his car milage
Put a spy device on his computer

When you have proof ... do NOT confront him ... instead ... EXPOSE the affair at his job, with his family, and with your family ... IF you can do this without feeling in danger of him hurting you.

Is there any history of addiction or abusive behavior on his part?

Pep