Well, yesterday was a tough one. I was in pain all day, just depressed and feeling down. Took the wife to dinner in the evening and she felt it and says she can't deal with it anymore. I've really been working hard at getting back to some kind of normal life. I have been doing better too. She thinks I should be over her affair by now. We talked and made it through the night as friends. Woke up this morning and we got along fine in the A.M. I went to work and stopped home for lunch. She was crying and had been drinking. I asked her "what's going on?" She said she quits. She can't deal it. She now says she knows I'll never get over this, she can't win and we just can't make this marriage work. I tried to be calm and discuss it with her. But she was under the influence and wouldn't listen. She says she knows it is over and it is because I can't get beyond her affair. I have known for exactly 90 days today. Three months. I can't deal with her weakness anymore either. If she wants to pity herself at my expense, fine. Screw it. I have had enough. I have been working to get over this "and all she can think about is how I can't get over this by now?" I went back to work and later came home at the end of the day. I found her down on the bathroom floor, wasted. She couldn't even get up. I picked her up and carried her to bed. As she slept I began to clean my things out of the house. She awoke this evening and needed to go to the bathroom. She couldn't walk as she downed a fifth of vodka today. I walked her to the bathroom, let her do her business and walked her back to bed. She couldn't speak. I didn't bother to. She couldn't comprehend it if I had. She awoke again a little while ago for another bathroom trip. I got her there and back and saw that she was a bit more conscious. I asked her to remove a diamond anniversary ring from her finger and give it back to me. I had gotten it for her only a couple of months ago. I guess it meant nothing to her. She complied, gave me the ring and I put her back to bed. Things will be quite different in her world when she awakens tommorrow. I almost feel relieved at the moment. I think I have crossed the line. I am cutting her loose. 10-1 says she be sorry tommorrow. 10-1 says I am not. I simply no longer want her in my life. Too drunk, too often. It's time for me to move on with my life. I can't get over her affair in 90 days. I don't know who could. Even without the affair her drinking has ended it for me. Fed up and ready to move on. 29 3/4 years later.

Dear Spyderlust,
I haven't got much time and yet your post struck me.
I feel with you and I can understand what is going on within yourself right now and yet I want to give you hope "Not to give up"..........
Give this time...............you wrote that it has been just 3 months since d-d. Lots of emotions are going to be coming up within the both of you.

You are just beginning and yet your marriage can recover even if you don't believe it right now.
If you feel that you have to "back off" right now, it is understandable, yes...........but don't make it a final decision right now.

Back off and give yourself time...give your wife time to "calm down" and "clear up" the tremendous emotions. Don't take everything "personal". Your wife is also going through a very emotional period. I'm not telling you to "pity-patty" her but it's emotional nevertheless.

It's painfull for both sides and I too am the BS. I felt like giving up many times during our process of recovery but believe me, I now have the best man anyone can imagine and I am prowd that I didn't hit the dust!!!!!

Just make sure to take the best care of yourself right now.
If you need space on your own, take it.........but don't "close the door" completely, at least not yet!!!

take care
bb

Spyderlust,

I think you are making some serious mistakes here. I am not sure you are aware of it but apparently Dr. Harley spent decades counseling addicts espeically alcoholics. He claims there is no way to work on the marriage if other addictions are in place. In the case of your marriage your W is an alcoholic. She needs treatment and she needs to stay sober.

Please seek help for her. Get her into something AA something to address the alcohol issues. THEN, make a decision about your marriage. I realize you want to walk out, and I realize it may be the very best decision for you. But, see if you can get her help as well.

God Bless,

JL

Well, it's a new day and she is sober and sorry. (again)
She agreed to AA. The first time she would agree. Now I suppose I'll stick around for a while and try to get her to go. Still packing up though. I think she needs to see our "reality" as I need to prepare for the possible/probable inevitable. Her decisions and actions at this point will determine the future of our marriage. I still can't figure out how I can still love her, but I do.
And thanks for the words of advice and encouragement. It really does help having people to bounce things off of.
(Can anyone see the "SUCKER" sign on my back?)

Dealing with both an affair and an acholic (sp) is a tough one. It has been almost a year for me and I still feel like I have SUCKER across my forehead.

I prayed and asked God for the answers. He told me to stay. I love my husband and he has shown me that he loves me as well. Neither of you have had enough time to be making any decisions.

Be there for her now when she needs you the most. My husband had his affair when I needed him the most. Things will become clearer as time passes. I hated hearing that but it is true.

Now that's an interesting take!
"Be there for her when she needs me the most?"

Spyder,

Dont have a lot of time here. I have been where you are. Shoot, there are some days even now that I think I might want to give up.

But I have a question for you. And once you answer it, I will know how to respond to something you said here.

The questions is...are you a Christian...have you been saved?

In His arms.

Our daughter came home from college this afternoon. WW picked her up and drove her home. She doesn't know about this. I need to protect her from this as long as I can. Anyway, things are busy so no intimate 1 on 1 contact has occured today. I did get a surprize today though. I went to get her anniversary ring I had taken back the other night and it was gone. I thought I had hidden it well. Guess not. Checked WW and it was on her finger. I questioned her about the ring and she told me she came home from work early today and went ring hunting. Well, she found it and is wearing it again. I simply responded by smiling and went back about my business.

Calm today, but I still dwelled on the affair most of the day. After work I drove by the OM house and called his cell phone. As expected no answer, yet. I hope he has a worried weekend. Just thought I'd remind him that I am still around and his marriage is still in jeapardy. I'll catch up with him again soon if he doesn't call me or answer my calls. I just want him to sweat for a while; some mental anguish of his own.

Fist of all Spyder upfront I'll tell you I was a WW myself.

I dont see 'sucker' on your back, I see love and dedication. That is something no one should ever belittle, I certainly never will.

Your wife has an addiction to booze. Lets put it plainly. While she has this addiction out of control she cannot truly commit to you and the M. Impossible.
You must understnad she will NEVER not be addicted, BUT she can learn not to drink and stay away from it.
She will need counselling and advice and even at AA you should ensure she does not meet other addicts singly - lots of affairs betwen AA members even though frowned upon - that means you will need to support her, pick her up, take her there, sometimes stay for meetings if thats appropriate etc etc
This will not be easy and I suppose you will think why didn't this happen years ago? well that will be part of her recovery process to face that.

One she has started this AA counselling and meetings she will slowly come to also face her past behaviour and her affair. Its most likely closely linked.

I want to let you know her attitude of 'look the A is over and I am with you, dont you see I choose you so get over it" is NOT unusal ok?
I did the same and so has most WS I think to some extent - male or female. We are so ashamed we dont want to take ownership and responsiblity for OUR actions at first ... some I guess never will.

I want to also assure you that nothing you did or didn't do made her choose the A, she like I, CHOOSE to have an A. No excuses, no acceptable reasons - UNLESS there may be psychological ones eg a real mental illness - that may mitigate the action of a spouse. (I know that may be hard for many BS to accept but a real mental illness may mean a WS has no contol over actions but lets face it, thats rare)

THAT is way she says you should be over it, not reality but her desire to not face squarely her actions. Even though she may talk about the Affair and even give details and say she is remorseful etcetc, she really is not at this time facing the truth of her actions. THAT will take time and counselling especially in this situation.

As well as AA, if you can afford it you may want to consider further joint counselling by a medical profesional in the addiction field. Alcoholism is not just an issue for the alcoholic to address, the family needs to be involved as well. Sadly it may mean your children as well but I'll leave that call up to professionals.

I think from your posts your W genuinely wants to rebuild her M and control her addiction BUT expect relapses, and illogical behaviour and very emotional times. This is so hard an adcition to control because alcohol is available everywhere. Then you have to deal with the A as well.

You have a hard row to how here Spyder BUT its been done before and I think you can do this but please understand it will take a LONG time. Your wife will need to understand that YOU also will require a LONG time to recover from HER actions. I think that will happen as her treatment proceeds.

So all the best & I hope you both can recover together.
If you feel like some venting etc you may want to post in the General Questions 11 page - many really good MB experts there to help

Dear Spyder!

Apart from the forums you are in now, there is much info in this site that is relevant to your situation. You should read these pages. In particular you should read all you can on “plan A”, and also on the "rollercaster" road to recovery.

What I say now will be a "cold shower" to you. The typical, average time for the pain to completely go away is two years. Yes two full years.

So please do not despair that you still feel pain. Your hurt is very deep. And let your wife read these pages also. She obviously needs to know this.
The good news are that if she repents and works on your M and you do so as well, then the chances of success are really quite good, despite the hurt both of you feel at the moment.

Please consider these books: "Surviving an affair" by Harley. (Buy in this site), "Thorn asunder" and "Not just friends".
Read these books together page by page and talk about what you read. Make the reading a joint project.

Neither your feelings nor hers are unique in any way. On the contrary, they are very typical! The good news in this is that you then can learn from others who have been there before you!

Spyder, trust me, coming from a fellow "spider," leave the OM alone. If you are going to tell his wife, just do so. I encourage you to, as it is not fair to her to be living in a lie. Also, if she knows, it is more insurance for you and your M that the A won't start up again ~ after all, it is an addiction, very powerful, not to be underestimated.

If you have your head in this "game" with the OM, your head cannot be in the "game" of recovering and rebuilding your M. Someone said that your WW will need your love and support more than ever now, going to AA, and that is true. Recovery is not for the weak. It is hard work, and for the sake of love and M, the BS often takes on more than seems fair at the time.

Also, coming from someone celebrating over a year of M recovery with her FWH, I can tell you it is all worth it. Every single ounce of energy, love, compassion ~ all of it. But it is a process, and something you must commit yourself to. You are either in or out. If you stay in the middle, you won't see much change.

Leave OM alone. Tell his W, for her sake, the sake of her M, and the sake of your OWN M. Then back off and let him go. If you want your WW to let him go, you must be willing to lead by example. Nothing you need can be gotten from him. Trust me. My FWH's OW was my best friend. And even then, nothing I needed could be gotten from her. It is all within myself, my M ~ and it is for you as well.

Your WW is in much pain. I know you are too, but she doesn't know how to deal with it. She numbs herself, and her pain doesn't go away. And it makes her feel like a weak failure, unloveable, subhuman. She needs help, she needs to learn how to deal with her feelings without escaping them. She must learn to feel them, let them stay with her for a bit, and pass through them. She needs tools. Do not see only her behavior, I know it is hard after just 90 days and the drinking, and everything else. She just doesn't know another way, I think.

Take care.

Spidey

Thanks