[color:"pink"] [/color] I JUST READ SUZYCHAPSTICK'S POST AND MY HEART ACHES FOR HER. DURING THIS WEEK THAT MB HAS BEEN DOWN I HAVE BEEN SO DOWN IN THE DUMPS THAT I CAN HARDLY FUNCTION. MY PROB IS THAT I CANT TRUST HIM, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. I WENT THRU HIS WALLET YESTERDAY AND FOUND THE CARD OF HIS D ATTORNEY WITH THE DATE THAT HE CAME TO THE HOUSE TELLING ME HE WANTED A D WHILE BRAZENLY ADMITTING HE JUST CAME FROM THE HOTEL WITH OW. (YOU BRING A 'HO TO A HOTEL) THAT UPSET THE HELL OUT OF ME AND I FOUND SOME DISCOUNT CARD FOR SOME PLACE THAT HE SWORA UP & DOWN TO ME HE'S NEVER BEEN (ILL GET TO THAT IN A MINUTE) AND A BUSINESS CARD FOR A SURVEILLANCE AND INVESTIGATING BUSINESS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />? I DONT KNOW MAYBE HE'S SPYING ON ME? ANYWAYS I TOLD HIM I LOOKED UP ONLINE THAT HE DID GO TO THE STORE HE'S NEVER HEARD OF SUPPOSEDLY AND THAT HE BOUGHT A BUNCH OF CRAP THERE RECENTLY, ( I WAS LYING, HE'S NOT COMPUTER SAVVY) HE SAID IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE, GOING THRU ALL MY STUFF FINE. I WAS CRYING BECAUSE IF HE'S LYING ABOUT THAT WHAT ELSE IS HE LYING ABOUT, AND SUCH A STUPID LIE, I HUNG UP AND HE CALLED ME BACK AND SAID BABE, PLEASE COME HOME, I DIDNT TELL YOU I WENT SHOPPING THERE BECAUSE WE DONT HAVE A LOT OF MONEY RIGHT NOW & IF I GO YOU HAVE TO GO....BLAH BLAH, SAME OLD ****.I SAID I HAD ENOUGH HE MUST BE WITH THE B, I WAS GOING TO DESPLAINES WITH MY COUSIN TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HER (I TOLD YOU I WAS LOST WITHOUT YOU GUYS, IM GOING CRAZY AGAIN) THEN I CHANGED MY MIND AND SAID HELL WITH IT, YOU 2 CAN HAVE EACH OTHER. HE SAID HAVE YOU GONE CRAZY?! I CAME HOME DIDNT I? I WANTED TO BE WITH YOU, WHY CANT WE JUST LET THE PAST BE PAST? I SAID BECAUSE I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD DO WHAT YOU DID. HE SAYS HE WAS CONFUSED, HE DIDNT KNOW WHAT HE WANTED, HE KNOWS HE WAS WRONG, HE COULDNT EVER BE WITH ANYONE ELSE,YADA YADA.HE SAYS HE DOESNT TELL ME THINGS CAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO ARGUE WITH ME. I'M SO SCARED, I CANT GO THRU IT AGAIN, I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH. I DONT KNOW WHY IM SO UNHAPPY. HE TRIES, HE ISNT ACTING LIKE HE WAS BEFORE, HE'S KIND & LOVING, ITS JUST ME. I KEEP TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING ON HIM. UNLIKE BEFORE, WHEN I WAS SURE OF HIM I FELT LIKE I HAD SOMEONE TO LEAN ON, SOMEONE TO BE WITH ME THRU EVERYTHING, AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I'M ALONE , HOW CAN I DEPEND ON HIM OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER? HE IS THE ONLY PERSON I PUT MY WHOLE TRUST INTO AND HE TORE OUT MY HEART AND HANDED IT BACK TO ME.SORRY IF THIS IS SO RAMBLING AND UNORGANIZED, IM HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS NEW BOARD.

edited to add:
i was upset that day in the first place because he wasnt answering his cell and i didnt believe the excuse i got.

Hey Shelly,

Sorry that you're feeling so down. It does take a while for the raw emotions to fade.

Are you guys in Marriage Counseling? If not, I'd highly recommend finding a good, pro-marriage MC and start going with your H. A good MC will help guide you both as you start to rebuild...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Hi Shelly_3,
Suzychapstick here. I see you read my thread. I just read yours too. My WH has acted exactly the same way in regards to OW. We have so much in common, right down to the vibrating cell phone!
That is what confirmed it for me. His phone was supposedly broken too (fell in the lake) and then he got a new one. Well the old phone was never shut down by the phone company. I found a text message from OW that said something like "you don't know how much I am yearning for a night away with you." I never checked his things before this, but I'd been suspecting something for a few months because he was home a lot less and ALWAYS outside on his cell when he was home!! And there were other signs too.

I don't have any advice for you - I'm sorry I am just rambling but just wanted to chime in and let you know I care!!
It sounds like you and I have had so much back and forth and back and forth with is he telling the truth this time or not?
My WH currently says that it is over with OW too. He said that something just woke him up and he's sure this time.I am guessing it is because I have received the mediation papers from the mediator and have started filling them out (wanted to do this instead of attorneys.) I also have mortgage papers and have been looking at townhomes. Sorry you probably know that if you read my thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I don't mean to repeat things!!
I do have to give my WH credit on one front though. All through plan A he never promised me he'd stop seeing her he only promised he'd try. It was not until 2/16 when I was a mess crying and blubbering that he made that promise. I know it was only because he didn't know what else to do when I told him that I just want it to be over between them. (I mean I was really a mess - bawling so hard I couldn't even breath. Couldn't stop bawling until there was literally no tears left. It was hours worth. I shudder to remember it even.)
Now, with the "papers" all ready to go, maybe he really did wake up. Honestly I don't believe it for a minute, even if I end up trying to make him think I do. don't want to be sucked in like that again.
I don't know if I am coming or going most days. I just don't understand how I could ever forgive him and how I would ever be able to trust him again after SO MANY lies.

I haven't posted on my thread for a couple days but nothing has really changed. I'm planning to move forward as I told him I would. We'll see what happens.

I love him so much and do not want a divorce but love isn't always enough. Hang in there hope to see you here more! We have a lot in common!

Oh shelly - I'm so sorry for your situation. You really have been through a lot in a short amount of time and I think you are expecting too much of yourself at this point. You would be crazy to trust him this soon - it takes a lot of time. I know because I am over a year out and I still don't trust. You will have many bad days or bad periods, but they all pass and eventually the good days will outweigh the bad days. At least that is what they tell me:) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Suzy and SG! Sometimes it helps just to know someone gives a damn. Well, I went back to the Dr. and instead of giving me a new prescription, he told me to just take half of my regular dose, so far im still awake, the full dose puts me to sleep. he didnt want to switch my medication again. i tried zoloft but it didnt help me at all, if anything it made me more paranoid. I've been fine the past couple days, i dont know if its because i went back on my ads, (i really hate taking them) or if its just part of the cycle of things. H and i spent the day shopping and went out for lunch (wendys, my favorite!) when his cell rang and he was talking on it for awhile giving terse answers to someone i asked to look at it when he got off and he handed it to me without a word. Thats different. Made me happy.Oh and btw, his cell phone really was broke! I always told him God must be trying to tell me something the way it just started working again. Thanks for caring.

Michelle

Hi again Shelly_3,
I do believe your H's phone was really broke! My WH's was too. It just started to work again after it dried out from getting wet in the lake. (thank god)Ha Ha.

You're right, must be God trying to tell us something--as in, PAY ATTENTION!!!

I'm not Dr. but I know as far as the AD thing--I know that one can not really determine which AD works best, as each person is different. For my WH it is celexa, for me it is wellbutrin. Man, too sad, huh? We all have to be on AD's just to cope with life and live under the same roof?

I initially took wellbutrin for anxiety attacks, (which I also did not develop until the stress of living with my WH.) Since I found out about the A, my Dr doubled my dose and it It has been a Godsend! On the weekends I sometimes forget to take it and can feel myself getting weepy due to my situation. (I'm not that way otherwise.)
Man if not for the meds, I am afraid I would be crying all day long, every day. Don't want to find out for sure though, so I am going to just stick with the program.

My friend took prozac and trazadone together while going through her divorce a few years ago. She had the same symptoms as you. It made her very tired. She did say years later that without those meds she doesn't think she could have gotten through it.

I know that everyone takes medication for something or the other now days but as long as it helps us cope and not have longterm side effects, then we'll get on to the next day, right?

Please post and keep us up to date. I know that without these wonderful people on this board I probably would be curled up in a corner somewhere. Take Care!!

Thanks again Suzy! I guess its wrong of me to only post when something has happened or im depressed, Im going to try to post more often. It just really hurts me to read other peoples posts, reading about the same stuff I went thru, the false recoveries( big fear of mine) and thinking maybe mine is just that. Your story really jolted me which is why I mentioned it in my thread.

You know I cannot stand being dependent on ad's to keep me from going psycho chick. thats probably what triggered my depression, I just quit taking them. I feel like this calm, sane woman isnt really me. The real me is still screaming inside somewhere, but luckily in my ad state I cant hear her(nor do I care). I wonder when I finally quit taking ad's am I going to go thru all the emotions that im blocking out right now? Thats kinda scary to me.

It isn't wrong of you to post only when you are down. That's what most of us do I think. It's therapeutic, like keeping a journal of sorts.

You are being too hard on yourself!! I remember about 10 years ago when my WH went to the Dr for his high blood pressure and came home on AD meds. Back then hardly anyone took them (or they kept it a secret if they did). I was just floored that he was so unstable the he needed AD meds!!! It took it awhile for my brain to take it all in.
Now though, I look back and I wonder what the heck I was thinking, why it was such a shock, etc.

Really, so many people do take them and I think most will even "admit" it these days. Depression is like any other illness, if you were prescribed insulin for diabetes, you'd take it, or glasses because you couldn't see, you'd wear them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



My WH is on celexa and has been now for a few years. After I found about his A, the Dr. doubled his dose. It really did numb him and he said he couldn't feel much of anything, good or bad. (Of course he was in the first part of his withdrawal phase too I guess.) He really seemed like a zombie at times, staring into space, like the light was on but no one is home, if you know what I mean. Once he cut back the dose, it helped a lot. It was just too high of a dose for him.