I've been very sad today, as I think I'm finally accepting that regardless of the legalities, my WW is no longer my wife -- she is a completely different person and she has moved out to be with the OM, willingly and of her own free will. Regardless of her claims that she just "needs time to think", etc., I don't think she'll ever be the person I married. I think she is just too afraid to lose me as her safety net, should she and the OM not work out.

She has inflicted so much pain on me, been selfish, dishonest, mean, and does not care for me one bit. Yet I have missed and loved her so much in the 7 weeks since D-Day. I have tried so hard to "win" her back, but I'm not sure I even want her back now.

The person I miss and love is not my WW. The person I miss and love is my wife and the way she was for the first 9 1/2 years I knew her. She'll never be that person again. I do not love my WW -- I love my former wife.

I have been thinking that what I have gone through is so much worse than if my wife had died, but in a way, this is exactly like my wife dying. She is gone. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to accept it, but she is gone.

I wish she would just file for divorce herself and put me out of my misery, but she is too much of a coward to do so. I'm afraid that filing for divorce will be yet another painful thing that I am left to deal with by myself.

Squiggle

Squiggle, can I suggest Plan B first? Your wife is just like most WS' we see on this forum every day and they can and do come back. While there are no guarantees at all, I would first suggest removing yourself from the situation via Plan B.

I just don't know if I'm up for Plan B. I know the theory behind it, and that it has worked for many. But I just don't think I can really begin to move on until a divorce is final, and knowing what she is doing during my Plan B (even with NC and without checking up on her) will continue to haunt and destroy my self-respect.

I need to stop the bleeding. I need to start the healing process. I don't deserve any more pain from her selfishness.

My life is a daily struggle right now, and I need to stand up for myself and I need to take care of myself. God knows, nobody else is.

Squiggle

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Background

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037696;p=1#000000

and

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037759

squiggle,

I haven't read your story but I just wanted to offer hugs and say that I am at the same point as you right now. I have a thread going now titled " To Heck with plan A and plan B."

I understand your need to start healing. We are only human and some of us can only take so much.

Here they are telling me that if there is any possiblity that I still love him and that if I have even the slightest bit of hope for the marriage I should try.

I want to so much but yet could just be setting myself up for Dday #3! I could not go through it again. Barely making it through this one.
Please hang in there and I am thinking about you!!

Suzy

Squiggle,

I don't think you fully understand plan B. It is to preserve your love for your W, by SLOWING down the loss of love. It does not stop this leakage, it simply slows it down.

This is a very important point. If you go to plan B one of two things are going to happen. It will allow you to hang in there until your W's affair ends, thus giving you a chance to rebuild the marriage. Or the affair will NOT end in time and you will be out of love for her and not really care. AT THAT TIME you are ready for divorce.

So in reality plan B does two things: it helps you survive the A until it ends, if it does, AND it helps prepare you for divorce because you will be emotionally ready to move on and leave the baggage behind. If you file now, you will be taking a lot of baggage with you, that must be dealt with eventually.

So why not deal with it, while maximizing your chances. You want the divorce now to end the pain. In reality you should divorce when the pain has ended and YOU KNOW you don't care any more.

Does this make sense to you? Hope so.

God Bless,

JL

JL, plan B does another thing. Maybe it's gravy, but it's important.

It protects the BS from suffering by removing him/her from a chaotic, stressful, and - I'll just say it - abusive environment.

Squiggle, are you saying that the things you'd imagine during plan B would be more damaging to you than the things you know about from being caught up in the daily struggle? I doubt that very much.

GC

suzy -- thanks for the kind words. I just read your thread and I feel for you. I can't even imagine a 2nd D-Day.

JL and graycloud -- Thanks for the clarifications on Plan B. The thing is, we have no kids and I'm moving to another city in 3 months for my job. My wife seemed so excited about the move until the A happened, but obviously that gives us an unsaid "deadline" of sorts -- a big complication in the matter.

I'm just not sure I have enough love left for her. Since D-Day, I've been trying so hard and been so committed to fighting for our M that she's drained me of my feelings. I've grown so weary of all of this and I think I may have passed the point of no return. It's true, I'm not 100% sure. But one thing I'm sure about is that I can't take much more of this pain and anger.

I'm just not sold on Plan B helping me, but I do think it has a lot of potential to hurt me more. There will be NO point where I don't care about a divorce, as it was the last thing I wanted. But I'm realistic, and I have to stand up for what is right. I don't want to come out of this as less of a person.

My WW is not a good person. I used to adore her, but now I realize that I was blinded by love. She is not the type of person I would even be friends with. She is not the type of person I would even want my friends to be friends with. I still can't believe that I ever committed to spend my life with this woman. I am usually a modest person, but I can say with certainty that she is not worthy of me. I deserve so much better than her.

I don't know how she's made me feel like this was all my fault from the beginning. She chose to have the A and she CHOSE to continue it no matter how much it hurt me.

Maybe I'm coming out of my own BS fog and seeing things for what they are -- a failed marriage due to my wife's selfishness and disregard for her husband.

Okay, I'll admit it -- the anger is getting to me lately.

Squiggle