I'm sure this is a pattern for many WS. My WH was desperate to spend Easter Sunday with us. Of course, the dinner was going to be at his parents house. I drove us down. We even picked up my mom on the way.

It could have been strange, my inlaws, my mom, 2 of our kids, WH and I. It was wasn't because A) everybody was pretending everything was normal and B) WH was his normal shadowman so it was like he wasn't there anyway. He is definitely not a sparkling conversationlist.

As he left after we got home, I told him that he had an interesting pattern. He was with us for Christmas, Valentines Day and now Easter. I guess he feels he can drop into our family at will, especially on those days he isn't welcomed by HER family. I simply, without anger stated that he made us feel used and disposible. The man just doesn't get it.

I'm going to have to stop enabling this behavior.

Grape:

Do you buy at all what we have been saying about the addictive nature of As and the fog? Logic does not figure into the equation. He is not going to just "get it". Your observations to him about his behavioral style are not getting through to him. He probably uses your LBs to justify continuation of his A.

Do you get it, GRAPE? You are the one that can rely on logic and rationality to come up with a PLAN. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The plan is hard. He seems like he wants to really be my friend. Very openhanded and relatively honest about money. I can manage not to be angry all the time when I'm with him. Just sad. There's obviously still contact. I think he just wants to abandon us but still pay for things.

I'm not sure I can take much more Plan A. The less I care, the easier Plan A is. I probably need to go to Plan B just to protect myself. Maybe this marriage isn't meant to work anymore. Maybe there isn't enough to salvage.

I drafted an email but didn't sent it to the affect that it's nice being with him it hurt too much. I think the only way to cut through the fog is to just go dark. Anymore of your excellent advice, Mimi?

Must be a part of the WH script. My H actually said this. Christine is also struggling with this.

I didn't want to be my H's friend. I am his wife. I told him that, if I couldn't be his wife and he ended up leaving me for another woman, I would not be his friend! I would parent with him. That's it!!

You say:
[quoteMaybe this marriage isn't meant to work anymore. Maybe there isn't enough to salvage.
] [/quote]

From my understanding, when you begin feeling this way, it is time for PLAN B in order to salvage any love that you have for him. MB is about RECOVERING MARRIAGES!!


In regards to the theory, the way to cut through the fog is for him to have NC with her at all for 3 to 6 months. It is so important to get the addiction concept! You cannot talk an alcoholic out of drinking. A recovering alcoholic cannot go to bars. Get it?

Oh Mimi, you are so right. I'm going away with my kids next week. It will be a good break for us. I can see that being around WH makes me dislike him more and more. The kids don't even want to talk to him. And that's a good thing because WH doesn't talk to them. When we were in the car Sunday, WH asked me the status of DS's college application when DS was sitting right behind him. All I could say was "Why don't you ask DS yourself?" When WH left our house the Tuesday morning I got back from my trip, he didn't talk to them again until he came for Easter. No message, no check-in, no I miss you-s. The kids understand this all too well. DS takes solace in his guitar. DD has a lot of headaches.

Was your husband this bad? It is seriously time for Plan B. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the one addicted to him. Is it a marriage or a bad habit? [color:"blue"] [/color]