Hi.. and HELP!!

My sitch is this in a nut-shell (sorry for the length - but I need your help).. W and I have had lots of problems (together 12 years, Married 7), but have always loved each other. Have two kids 2 1/2 and 6.. Jan 20 W says we're thru and we need to separate.. I'm blown away.. Instead of getting ripped and angry - I show her I love her and want to do whatever possible to save our M.

Started IC.. so did she.. It has helped me, but it feels as if hers is pushing her away from me.. Found out she had and EA about the same time as 20 Jan..

She moved out on 1 March.. was still open to working on things and possibly going to MC. On 11 March, she says she is mentally at divorce and nothing else is an option to her.. This is the first time she had mentioned D. It has gone steadily down hill from there..

I thought I was making deposits to her love bank, and kept getting some indications of hope.. such as hugs now and then.. even a kiss once.. Yet, she has been hanging with a bunch of girlfriends and partying, drinking, etc.. and seemingly enjoying acting very single.. She took her wedding ring off around the 16th of March and has not put it back on.. She stated she just wants the divorce over with so she can move on with her life and do whatever she wants..

Went to Easter as a family, and things went pretty good, other than feeling a little awkward around her family. I asked her if she would be open to going out sometime.. She said - you mean like a date.. I said yes... call it what you want, but we have fun together so why not.. She said she'd have to think about it...

The next day 3/28/05 I dropped off the kids to her and went to work. She called about an hour later to say the kids were sick and she didn't feel good either, so could I come pick them back up.. I said I would - picked up some stuff for her (tylenol, soup, sprite) and went over. I told her I would stick around for a bit to make sure she was ok and to take care of her animals and such.. She seemed fine with that.. All of them were sleeping soundly..

She had mentioned the night before about some pictures she had from our new years celebration. When I came downstairs after checking on them - I noticed the photos in her bag. I didn't think she'd mind, so I took them out and looked at them. Then, I was feeling pretty good about being there and hopefully making her feel better - that I decided to write her a note and put it up next to her bed for when she woke up. I took the notepad out of her bag that was next to the pictures and flipped thru for a blank sheet..

This is where it gets ugly. I saw a letter she wrote to the EA guy.. The way I read it, she was currently involved, and it had progressed to some physical things such as holding each other, and kissing.. Her obvious emotional bond to him I read as very stong.. and I was hurt beyond belief... I didn't know what to do... I knew I shouldn't have read it and I violated her privacy.. but I couldn't tear my eyes away from it... God forgive me!!

I asked my Chaplain what to do.. I knew I needed to tell her I had seen it... He suggested I write her a letter of apology for the violation of her privacy, and also express my hurt from the content of the letter. So I did. I wrote the letter, got her a rose and a candle and came back to let her know what had happened. When I got back, there were two of her friends there watching the house while she was upstairs resting.. This threw a wrench into my plan. So I brought the items upstairs and asked her to read the letter after I had left (so as not to get into it and have her friends come a running).. I gave her a hug and quick kiss, told her I loved her and left.

She evidently went beserk!! She was so pissed that I had read that letter... Not only that I violated her privacy, but also that I now knew the level of her feelings for this guy... Evidently - she had written this letter about a month ago as closure for her about him, since he had decided not to give her the time of day..

I talked to her later that night on the phone, and asked if we could get together the next night (3/29/05) and try to clear the air.. She said she was open to it if I was.. So we met - and no blood was spilled.. She was obviously angry.. I apologized again, and told her I was not searching thru her bag, but actually had good intentions of writing a nice note for her when I came across the letter.. I told her that I was hurt deeply from the content of the letter.. She said she understood..

I told her that I still loved her.. but that if she could not see any way that she could work on our M, and only D would do, then I would support her in that process. We both admitted that we had lost trust and respect for each other.. and that we are carrying alot of garbage around from our pasts which is working against us having any kind of positive relationship. We agreed that somehow we needed to get rid of that once and for all.. She said she felt she would get along with me alot better once the pressure (marriage) was off.. I think she is viewing the divorce as an answer to alot of things... I don't know...

She also told me that she had the divorce papers, and has had them for two weeks now... and she had them all filled out except my income portion of the last page - which she asked for and I gave her.. She also asked me how I wanted to recieve the papers - from her or someone else.. I said she could give them to me...

It seems completely hopeless to me at this point.. I did screw up.. but I've been trying so hard to do what's right and be the man I need to be... Probably she was going to give me the papers anyway, but my screwup probably sped up the process.. I encouraged her to take her time... I'm hoping that somehow, someway - between now and the final divorce date which could be as little as two months from the time she gives me the papers - that I could help her to see that there "is" something in our marriage, and that maybe, just maybe - she would have serious doubts about dumping it all down the drain... This is my hope and my prayer..

When we left - she gave me a hug and said she was sorry it has come to this - rubbed the side of my face.. I said "me too".. and rubbed the side of her face. Then we said good bye..

I feel like total crap!! I truly feel like I have lost a part of me!! I know I have to get thru this, but even with my faith in God - I don't know how I can endure this pain!! I am so lonely.. I miss her so much.. I can't seem to embrace my life without her in it.. I have been holding on to hope for her falling in love with me again, but I am quickly losing all my feelings of hope... and yet I don't want to... I want to find hope in her heart somehow.. Even if it were 1-2 years after this god forsaken Divorce - I would still want us to find each other again... I know she loved me dearly before... What do I do?? How do I proceed from here?? Should I just give up??

JDS,

You cannot change her. Repeat after me...you cannot change her. She is going to do what she wants to do, and you have no control over that. You are not recalling your wedding vows are you? Do you recall saying "I take thee to control and influence for the rest of my life." You made no such vow.

JDS, all you can do is learn, grow, protect yourself and your kids and see what happens. This has been going on a short period of time. Affairs and subsequent withdrawal are measured in years or large fractions of years. You are only 3 months into this thing.

Do your best to be a GREAT father to your children. Do your best to be a good man, a good friend to your friends, and a man that follows his faith. That is all you can do.

You have and will learn a lot from this, continue to learn. Learn how you could be a better friend, a better H, a better father. Learn these lessons well, because no matter what happens in your marriage you will need what you have learned .

It is all you can do. Please accept this.

God Bless,

JL

JL,,

Thank you.. good advice - and it makes sense...

I took the kids over there this morning to drop them off.. She was sleeping, and I took the kids in, and put them in bed with her.. She sleeps a-natural.... I didn't go looking, but when I put the kids in the bed with her it was obvious.. The kids get to sleep for about another hour after I drop them off before they have to get up..

Then I called her around 8:00 this morning to tell her about our daughters sneakers out on the steps.. When she answered I said "Hi beautiful".. trying to be positive and make deposits... Then towards the end of the conversation, I said "well babe it looks like you've got alot to deal with, so I'll let you go... Have a great day, and I'll talk to you later"... Hopefully this type of upbeat positive comments from me help in some small way... It would seem that having me come in and put the kids in bed with her while she is sleeping naked in the bed, I feel shows she does trust me atleast to some extent...

From an outsider looking objectively at this - do you see any form of hope in my situation?? If she is so galvanized against me, how do I possibly make deposits to her love bank??

The more advice and help I can get at this point, the better... Thanks.

I am sorry your in so much pain, I know how bad it hurts. I would like to give you a perspective from her side since I too have been there and made decisions based upon emotions due to an EA and then trying to figure out who I was and what I am doing. I married young, had kids young, and woke up thinking Oh my God! I have never lived, I have never did what everyone else has done, the clubs, the partying, she will get tired of it. The only thing I can say is give her the space that she needs right now. She will remember the kind things and they are wonderful but she is only into herself, her friends, what she thinks her new life is going to be and her partying. (We are living in the Sex in the City era and we are convinced we have been missing out) I don't know if you all are high school sweethearts or not, it sounds like you might have been. I am sure she was pretty pissed off about the letter but not about violating the privacy but because you found her out. She now has some blame in the marriage falling apart and she may have been placing all the blame on you.

You remind me of my STBX when you said "Hi Beautiful" that is exactly how he talks to me (when he isn't drinking). He blames his drinking on my EA, I blame the EA on his drinking.....we both have alot of blame. Alot of baggage from the past as well

One thing to remember is that you said both of you have trust issues, until you are both willing to forgive and leave it there it is impossible to move forward.

That is why my STBX couldn't do it, he couldn't let go of the past and neither could I and we beat each other over the head with it every chance we get. He too has the undying love that it sounds you have for her, and he too is lost without me, but the more he pushes it the more I back off, I know it's hard but when she sees you taking care of yourself and not so consumed with her, she will notice.

Don't beat yourself up about the letter, she may be glad that it is finally out in the open and she can bury that guilt. Take care of yourself and the kids right now, I know it's easier said than done. I know the pain just cuts right to your soul, but you will make it, you will survive, just think of all us as your life support.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

J.D, sorry about what has happened to you. I've been looking for your thread since you posted on mine earlier. your WW sounds so much like my WH, it is unreal. I'm having a real hard time posting because I keep getting logged off. the sight has some issues i guess. We all need some one to talk to,hope you have someone. If you would like you can e-mail me. chin up J.D !!
-Jamie-

Wow.. Thank you Left...

You almost talk as if you are here watching... It's eerie.. but most useful.. I believe you are right.. atleast I hope you are right.. I hope and pray that she will sooner or later (hopefully sooner) regret the direction she is going or has gone, and God willing - will attempt to move back towards me.

It's hard to understand the mental state of mind she is in.. How she can feel the love for me one time, and then a month later classify it as me putting her thru years of hell, and that I had left her mentally years ago... No way am I going to agree to that...

Yeah - I feel horrible about the letter.. It wasn't right for me to read it.. but I think you're right - that she is hurt that I am now aware of her feelings and intentions with him... and she understood my loss or respect and trust for her because of it... So yes - she does have some responsibility for what's going on... and now she knows it... I don't see how she could look back on this and feel good about how she went about things... I on the other hand, feel I can look back and be proud of the efforts I made to try and save our marriage... other than the screw-ups I've done over the years, I will have no regrets... That doesn't mean I'm not sad about it though... The loss of my marriage and the break-up of my family feels like it's destroying me...

I'm so hoping that she will work with me to get rid of the garbage between us... I will need to assure her that I am not trying to stop her divorce process, but since she agreed that we need to deal with the garbage - maybe she'll be up to it.. and maybe, once the garbage has been taken out, she'll have more pleasant thoughts about her and I... I can only hope..

Thank you so much for the hug.... I don't know why, but even an electronic hug felt really good... It helps alot.. I really appreciate your advice... So what you are saying is that if I give her space, and basically work on me... put my life together without her... and while doing that not push myself on her in any way - that she'll eventually come around to miss me?? Is that what you're saying?? Are you saying, even though she is so absolutely certain that she wants a divorce and she wants to be done with me.. that there is hope??

Hi Mainegirl,,

Great to hear from you.. It is kind of weird how similar our situations are..

Yeah - I'm having some difficulty with the new site too.. but it means so much to me to get the feedback and the advice from this site, that I am finding ways to make it work... I don't have very many friends at all.. it seems that the friends that my wife and I had have migrated to her to keep her from being alone - which is leaving me out in the cold... Kind of a double whammy.. She leaves me, and then the friends leave me to support her - even though I want it to work out... What a cruel irony..

I will definitely email you.. The only email I have right now is at my work - which is where I am right now.. (I can't post my work email in the forum, but I'll put it in my email to you).. I'm hoping to get online at my house soon, but I just haven't had the energy or drive to do much of anything like that... ya know..

Thanks so much for posting back to me... I can't tell you how much my MB family is helping me through the most painful time in my life... It's so helpful to talk to people that are in the same boat... Thanks again..

Good Morning JDS

There is always hope, that is why we place our faith in God and know that he has a plan for all our lives. We have to accept that these trials will strengthen us for what he has planned for us and to look at it and say this is going to make me a better person and build character. I know that right now you feel the whole world is crashing down around you and sometimes find it difficult to even breathe.

Take a deep breathe and realize you have made through another day and each day will get better, some days will be tougher than others.

I too gave my STBX mixed signals that were unfair to him even when I was in the midst of the EA. Even though I was thinking of this new life that I was in, I was holding onto the former life too. I didn't want to let go of what was comfortable because that was all I knew, but until I find myself which sounds a little cliche but people do have to find themselves and really know who they are and love themselves before they can fully give themselves to someone else.

Take this time to reflect and look at yourself and see what you need to do for you. Don't let the decisions she is making define who you will be in the future. You can learn from it but don't fall into thinking you should have done more and be full of regrets, the past is the past, you can't change it now, you have to take what you learn so that you can make the difference for your future and your kids future.

A suggestion is to find something that you like to do and do it. When she has the kids let her see that you are living your life. One thing our MC told me was that I was too close to my STBX I know that sounds weird, but I use to say that he breathes in and I breathe out. I was with him from the time I was 17 I knew nothing different, that was why my friends that didn't have a relationship influenced me so much because I thought that I was missing out. I will tell you it did help me to learn to be independent in which I had never been, I was always the little girl that never grew up. I went about it the wrong way, I didn't need someone else to define who I am, until we are comfortable in our own skin, we can't offer much to anyone else.

Reading what is happening to you helps me as far as what I put my STBX through and even though the decision to divorce is the best for us, we can at least learn from this and be better parents for our children. When I was going through that phase in my life I don't remember much of it, I was in a FOG and that is why on the MB site they call this behavior a FOG, it is true. I went through the FOG from October through January and I really don't recall those months, I became very sick and tired of living a double life, and that is what it is, and that is why they call it having your cake and eat it too. It really puts things into perspective to hear how the other side feels when they are having to deal with the person in the FOG, but please remember not to lose yourself in the midst of it.

God is my best friend and will always be on the top of my list. When I was in the FOG I wasn't praying or even keeping in touch with him, he had to break me before I came back to him, unfortunately it took my heart being broken by the EA and realizing that I was placing that first in my life before my STBX, or my children, I lived in breathed for the so called new life I was living, it was never real though because it wasn't the will of God it was my will.

The most humbling experience was realzing that God will take away those things that get in the way of our relationship with him, if you want things to work in your life you have to be in God's will, the hardest part is realzing that the pain right now is God's will and that he is allowing us to go through it. The book of JOB gives us all the insight on that one.

I am sorry for rambling, I just felt the need to share that with you....my email address is sharix8@charter.net you can add me to your email address too, you have alot of friends out here and we are all here for you don't ever think your by yourself....

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Remember you are one of God's children and your special, he has entrusted you to care for those children and she is lost right now and she may or may not find her way home but it will be on God's terms not our own.

Take care and have a blessed day

From this <a href="ttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=1275501&page=0&fpart=1&vc=1" target="_blank">thread</a>

I, personally, do not think you did anything wrong when you stumbled across the letter! When raising my now adult kids, I always told them "if you don't want it read, don't write it down".

Keep up the good work and quit beating yourself up. The letter is a symptom of "the elephant sitting in the living room" no one is talking about.

Thanks Left.. for everything... and the hug too... I have to return the favor..

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> BIG HUG <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I am trying to cling to hope, and I know if it is to be, it is not up to me... It is up to God.. I'm trying to have the faith necessary to believe that with all my heart, but I'll admit, I'm having some difficulty.. I love my wife so very much, and it is killing me that she is allowing our family unit to be ripped apart because she doesn't want to work on our problems, but instead is thinking of only herself. How can she think so little of what we've had for 12 years.. I just don't get it...

The way I look at it, if the person leaving is having even little second thoughts - especially if there are kids involved - then I feel they should turn back towards the marriage and do anything they could to save it... Atleast then they would be able to leave with a pure heart if it doesn't work out.. But to give it all up because they've lost that "loving" feeling and are now looking for "new" magic - I just don't buy it. It's not right... but that's my opinion... that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee...

I do appreciate your advice - please keep it coming... You do seem to have a very good view of my situation. Thanks again.

Thanks Ragamuffin,,

I still feel bad about it.. Hindsight - I shouldn't have gone into her bag at all. I mean, even though we are married, she is living in her own house and in the process of divorcing me.. Well - what's done is done.. I've apologized to her repeatedly, and expressed the hurt I received from the content of the letter.. I have strong betrayal feelings about her right now.. but yet I love her with all my heart.. I would still today lie down and die for her if necessary. And yet - I have to somehow resolve myself to the apparent fact that she doesn't want me anymore, and I will soone be 42 and single again... :-(

I'm trying so hard to keep busy, but it seems no matter what I do, I still have a lot of alone and very quiet time.. I know I'm on the right path, but I need more people around me.. She's got a ton of them, and I have none of them... What is the "elephant sitting in the living room" thing??

Oh, and I couldn't get to your thread link for some reason..

J.D.

I know what your saying as far as trying to do all you can especially if kids are involved, I tried for 2 years and then I just couldn't do it anymore, you can't just exist you have to be able to enjoy every moment in your life. It's not the breaths we take that keep us living its the moments that take our breath away. God want all us to live a full life and if you are living in a very unhealthy situation then you are not living. The children are more damaged by seeing the tension all the time. Now that may not have been in your situation but when my kids said to me, mom would you please finalize the divorce. My children have witnessed alot of verbal abuse and I wish they never had. They had to lie for their father and his drinking, he would think I didn't know and I did. What a burden to place on your children. So in my case it wasn't a matter of turning back for the sake of my children, it was a matter of staying away for the both of us not to stay in a unhealthy situation and drag the children in the middle of it.

I know what you mean as far as being alone and everything quiet those are the worst times for all of us. Try to call your chaplain at those times or someone in the church they will be able to at least listen. Also start a journal it will make a world of difference.

Hugs back at you again, you take care remember we are here for you.

Thanks Left,,

I guess where I'm coming from is she is the one that left.. and she can see that I'm open and trying to do anything and everything to heal our marriage and keep our family together... so it's not a matter that she would think things would be the same.. atleast I wouldn't imagine that she could think that at this point.. So she would have to see that if she did try, that we would have a real good shot for once, but she does not "want" to try.. She seems to be focusing on any bad thought she can think of to create a case in her mind so she feels better about continuing her agenda to be single and do whatever she wants.. Very selfish if you ask me.. especially where the kids are right in the middle..

I have bugged my chaplains so much I think they're beginning to feel a little frustrated as well.. I feel good about my life and the path I'm on, I just need more activity and people around me and of course I would much rather have the love of my life fall back in love with me again... If that happened, I think the universe would make sense again...

Thanks for the hugs again - I can't seem to get enough.. You and all the MB people are simply incredible, and I applaud all of you.. You are serving a purpose higher than yourselves - and I appreciate it... Thanks.

Hey there J.D.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{afternoon hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I just noticed that your location is Maine, I use to live in Dexter for 2years.

I know what you mean as far as the selfish behavior and the kids are caught in the middle, but please realize that she really doesn't think she has done anything wrong and she is using all of the past to justify her actions right now and until she gets a real huge reality check she won't see it. That is why God is the only one that can restore this. You keep saying that your doing everything to heal this marriage, God is our healer leave to him it is all up to him and boy do I know that's easier said than done.

She knows you will always be there for her and you will always love her, she is having her cake and eating it too, and until you make it clear that it is either one or the other she won't have a reason to stop anything.

I know what you mean as far as your chaplain, I feel my church is so over seeing the on and off again family, and they know that its really confusing for the kids and they really don't know what to do. People just kind of look at me and the kids when we arrive (of course I have 8 little ducklings following me) they really don't know what to say anymore so they just don't say anything and it really hurts sometimes, but I know they don't mean it.

I want you to also know that the love of your life is still in love with you. I don't doubt for a minute that she does not love you, hence the snowball fight and laughter. You are the father of her children. She is confused, she quite frankly has no idea right now what she wants and she knows you will be waiting there to cushion the fall, trust me she is banking on that, if all else fails well he'll be there.....that is the selfish behavior.....the problem is you may say that is ok now, but you don't know how long this FOG will continue and that is where you have to draw the line and say I don't deserve to be treated as though my feelings or thoughts don't matter.You said that if she fell back in love with you again that the universe would make sense again. I know that you think the universe revolves around her and how lucky she is to be loved in such a way, but don't let her use that as weakness. You are too good for that. Your universe right now is God and those kids, she can have her place in it when she wakes up.

I would recommend you to read James Dobson book "Love must be tough" it is so wonderful, it really helps you how to give tough love. The hardest thing to do because you would walk through fire for the person that you are having to say "no more" to.

I am glad you feel good about the path you are on, remember you will have good and bad days. Don't let this season of your life break your spirit. You are going to make it through this, just take it one day at a time.

How have the kids been this week? Does she keep in contact with them everyday? Do you have custody? Well speaking of kids I better get back to mine.

Please try to take some time for you this weekend and enjoy God's beauty.

Take care

J.D - Yes!! I got in, haha... just want to agree with Left on the book - LOVE MUST BE TOUGH - I have it. awesome, awesome read. you'll enjoy it!!

-Jamie-

Hi Left,,

Wow - Dexter,, that's where my older brother lives - about 45 minutes away from me.. unfortunately my brothers and I aren't too close..

May I say Left - that you are incredibly insightful.. Your advice means so much to me.. and I really feel you are right on target.. I mean right on target !! And - I know you are also correct about leaving it all up to him.. I am being the person that I need to be, but it has to be for the right reasons, which is that he would want me to be the man I should be and of course because it is the right thing to do.. If I am the man I should be and have internalized that, then I would assume I would appear to her that I am the man she should be married to.. I need to keep reminding myself of that.. Thanks.

I've heard that "cake and eat it too" numerous times from many people.. and I am trying - but with the kids it's hard to get much real separation from either talking to or seeing her. I am working on getting things going in my life, but it is taking much longer than it is for her..

I truly hope and pray that you are right about her love for me. There are times that I notice little things she does and says that indicates to me that she does in fact love me, but it's almost as if when that happens - it scares her because it threatens her agenda and the path she wants to take, and so she usually right after that becomes cold and distant and is concentrating on bad thoughts about me to reinforce her thought process.. I do feel (hope) that she will have a wake up call someday, and a reality check.. I'm hopefuly that at that point, she will realize she does love me and should be with me, and hopefully I'll still be open to possibilities with her at that point.. As you said, it is God's plan, so I hope it would be his will that she does in fact find her way back to me... and hopefully before the divorce.

Yesterday morning she called at 4:30 because my son was sick and left a message which started out with "Hon". Just another little something that tells me she still has fondness in her heart for me - unless she is just playing games. I don't know - I guess we'll see.

Thank you for the book reference - I will pick that up asap. I'll let you know what I think about it - but it sounds good. I've been reading alot lately.. hehe..

Our schedule right now is that she has the kids for 7 days, and then I have them for 7 days (Friday night to Friday night).. Right now she has the kids until the night of the 8th. We have (I believe) agreed to "Joint Parental Rights, Responsibilities and Residence". I told her that I would not accept anything less than that, and if she pushed for more - that she would be face with the fight of her life. I love my kids more than anything, and I'm not going to allow her to take them away from me or "give" me them on weekends - that's not going to happen !! Unfortunately though - during my weeks with the kids - she is acting as the daycare since she is currently unemployed. The routine we have been doing is that M-F I bring them to her place in the morning - bring them upstairs and put them in bed with her so they can sleep another hour or so before having to get up for school. Rather trusting on her part if you ask me since she is divorcing me. She also usually sleeps ah-natural. Then after work, I go over and pick them up, and go home.

Thank you for the kind words Left - I really appreciate it.. Oh, by the way.....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> BIG Sunday Morning HUG <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hey Girl,,

I'm glad you finally got in.. I still keep getting logged out though - don't know what that's all about..

Yes - that book sounds good, I'm definitely going to pick it up.

By the way - thanks for everything.. I reall appreciate your conversation and counsel. I hope you have a very positive Sunday - you deserve it...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGGING YOU BACK}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Wow!! You must be near Bangor that was where my youngest son was born. I pretty much knew everyone in Dexter since it was such a small town, I probably know him. I use to be a member of New Life Baptist church Pastor Ireland. I really miss that place and am planning on moving back someday, the kids and I were always much happier up there, a slower pace of life. And the beauty God shed on that state, it is God's Country definitely, I believe there is a sign headed up to Moosehead lodge that says you are now entering God's country.

I am glad that I am helping and encouraging you, I guess if that is the reason that I have had to go through so much pain these last couple of years is to give encouragement and help someone else it is all worth it. It always is but we just don't know it at the time.

I hope your having a good Sunday, I got all the kids off to church and even one of the neighborhood kids. I just pile them out. Our church started the Rick Warren "Purpose driven Community" we did the Purpose driven life 3 years ago which was the time my STBX split the first time.

I had a pretty tough night last night, I went out with a friend from my divorcecare class Friday night and STBX was text messaging me all night and then Instant Messaging the kids asking where I am and who I was with. You see that seed of doubt was placed in his head long ago and now anytime I go anywhere he says I am doing something wrong.
and that I am a bad mother.

One piece of advice that I think is very valuable, is that no matter what she is doing, clubbing, dating, anything that you feel is bad, do not put their mother down to them. I am sure you are not, but mine did and he called me all sorts of names to them and tells them that if I go anywhere that it is probably to see another man and that I have all these boyfriends out there and that I am a bad mother. The kids see where I am and what I am doing and they now know their dad was way out of line, but it damaged their heads and the relationship we had.

He doesn't look at any of his faults in our relationship and when I say to him you are blameless he says, YEP. There is so much baggage and pain over the last 17 years that I can't see how I ever survived, but then I try to figure out how I can go the rest of my life without him.....I still love him with all my heart, I can't even begin to explain the type of love we shared but I don't think I have to, I think you have that too.....But I had to realize how unhealthy of a life I was living, and unfortunately I made poor decisions and my judgment was very clouded and by no means do I justify the EA I just know it opened my eyes to have to look at myself and that is what hurt me the most. Not realizing his faults, realizing my contribution.

The lonliness for the past couple of days has really gotten to me and I have tried to keep myself busy, read, write whatever I need to so I don't feel the pain, but we have to go through it in order to come out on the other side of it, so I just go in my room, shut my door and let myself have a good cry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> You see I miss my family unit too, I miss being a wife, I miss having my husband. When I talk to him on the phone I still end the conversation with I love you, as he does to, our loved hasn't changed, just the relationship, I will always love him from the very depth of my being. My friends tell me to move on and that I will find someone someday. But I don't want to get used to someone else, I don't want to share my life with anyone else except for the person that started it with me....and not to mention I have 8 kids, hello....they are not going to be breaking down the door. Boy, if anyone told me that I was going to be a 34 yr old single parent with 8 kids I would have told them, never we love each other to much, but unfortunately if you have no trust or respect, the love can't withstand it, that is part of your foundation and if you lose that it just keeps crumbling underneath you. Ok time to stop the pity party, I'm sorry, its just a bad day and like I told you, good days and bad days.

Let's get back to this glorious day and the beauty all around me, look at my beautiful children that I can see and be with everyday. I got the best part of the deal, I got the best part of him, I think that came from the movie "Hope Floats" I have been watching alot of movies lately, "Under the Tuscan Sun" is the most wonderful movie and recommend it for any person that has gone through a divorce. It is more geared toward women but I think it relates to all of us really. I love to hear sayings and I try to remember them, there is a part in the movie that her friends are trying to get her out of her shell and depression and they give her a trip to Italy and she refuses and the girl says, "I'm scared for you, I don't want you to end up like one of those empty shell people that you see and you ask yourself what happened to them so bad that they are left like that, and it could have just been that they came to a crossroads in their life and they had to make a choice of which way to go but went the wrong way and ended up a empty shell and bitter."

I want to live and I want to do God's will each and everyday of my life, I know that I am going to stumble and fall, but what loving arms to be picked up by. The grace I have been given is unfathomable. I have been so undeserving and he continues to bless me and the kids each and everyday. I hope you are having a glorious Sunday afternoon....your in my prayers....you can email me at any time I am curious if I know your brother that would be [email]neat....sharix8@charter.net[/email]

Take care and God bless you

Good Morning Left,,

I'm so sorry for all the trials you're going thru, but as you said - we have to go thru them.. I know that too, but it is very very hard..

Hopefully today (Monday) you'll feel better.. You sound like a wonderful person - so don't sell yourself short..

It sounds like you and your husband have more surface Love than my wife and I. Although I would love to say "I Love You" to her, I haven't been - especially in front of the kids. I do say it when the opportunity presents itself.. She knows it... She doesn't say it to me at all, and hasn't said it since Monday, the 28th of February.. That was the day before she moved out.

My Sunday was pretty good.. very busy at work.. and my wife called me in the afternoon in a playful conversation with my son who had decided to put his Mommy in a time-out.. Then the kids called me later last night to say goodnight and she and I talked for just a few moments.. It was semi-upbeat.. not negative at least..

I asked her if she wanted to go to our meeting today together, and she said she'd have to see how she feels. She has her IC today at 2:00, and then we have a meeting with a couples counselor at 4:00 to discuss the problems my daughter is having.. God I hope it all goes well.. I keep praying that today is a "positive" day for our marriage.. I know God is working in my life and I hope somehow he can work in hers.. I'm very nervous...

JD,

You have been getting some very good advice. I would like to direct you to two concepts here. One is plan A, and the other is plan B. You are doing a plan A, but it seems it might need a bit of tuning so do some reading on it. However, plan A is to be used for a limited time. Harley mentions 6 months for men. But, then explains it may be shorter or longer depending. What does it depend on? It depends on your love for her and love busters. If you feel your love for her slipping you need to move to plan B. If you start to notice that you want to LB her, then you need to move to plan B.

Plan B is to preserve the love you have left by slowing down her drain of your love bank. Everytime you interact with her, her account with you gets drawn down. If it goes to zero or negative, there is little chance your marriage will make it. Why?

Well it is simple really. Most affairs end. The plans are based on that fact. Until the A is over there is NO CHANCE you can really address your marriage. I'll show you why in a moment. So the idea is to wait out the A, and while doing that stop the love busters, plant the seeds that she would be welcomed back, and meet her needs when she will allow it. This is plan A. Plan B removes you from her presence. You no longer help, or talk with her. You exchange children, and if you can get a intermediary to pass any information concerning the kids. Plan B lasts until you are ready for divorce or the A ends. IT removes you from the "cake and eat it too" portion of this as Left mentions. It is not a punishment, it is a strategic withdrawal. In fact, it should be started with a plan B letter, which is a love letter telling her that you love her and will be willing to work to rebuild the marriage ONCE the A is over.

Please reread the articles on these plans.

Now you said
JD, you married a good woman. She has a conscience although it doesn't show much right now. THE ONLY WAY she can justify this is to paint the marriage as bad. Every mistake you make gets magnified and all of your good points are pushed to back and never examined. It is how she justifies what she is doing. It does not make sense. It is not reality or at least your and that is why it is called the "fog" or as WAT likes to refer to it...as an alien abduction where their brains have been swapped out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So your logic will NOT work. Hence, you need to just focus on you. The woman you married and loved does NOT exist right now. She may come back once the A ends.


She has a right to privacy. But, as your W she has not right to secrets. You should have snooped. You needed to know what was happening to your marriage and your family. Your children, your extended family everyone is affected by her choice to have this affair. Have you exposed the affair to her family and yours? You should. Affairs tend to deteriorate rapidly in the light of day. She will be mad as a hornet, but if you do it by asking for the families help in restoring the marriage and make sure this is not about punishment but rather saving your family they will understand. Eventually, your W will understand. You fought for her and the family. Exposure is part of plan A and Harley strongly recommends it. Until the A is ended NOTHING else can be accomplished.


Good you are beginning to see the purpose of working on you and trying to save your marriage. I would offer one piece of advice. When the A ends and it probably will, be generous with your w. YOu may not realize this, but if your marriage is to be rebuild HER guilt will be a major hurdle, so be ready to help HER, although you are the one deeply hurt by her decision.


Nothing will truely happen until the A is over. If she continues to push the divorce with the A going on, then she will want to be "friends" to ease her conscience. I would strongly recommend that you not be "friends" with her. YOu should be civil because she is the mother of your children, but friends????please. You would not select a friend that treated as she has so far.

JD, until the A ends focus on your family and you. Do your reading on the plans and then do them. Set a time for reevaluation of your plan A and be prepared to go to plan B.

You cannot change her. She has to make these decisions and she will one day realize what she has done. Sadly it may come when you don't care any more. Hang in there though, you are still early in this.

God Bless,

JL