Just Learning,,

Thank you so much for your advice... Very detailed - you obviously put alot of thought into it.. Thank you.. I would say I agree with pretty much everything you said - but the one stickler for me is that evidently the A is over.. Not because she ended it, but because he backed off and apparently now won't give her the time of day..

She supposedly wrote that letter over a month ago as a way to get over him. She never intended to send it. So now I'm stuck in a situation where my wife has the D papers all filled out but has not yet given them to me.. She is still adament about getting a D. She is still acting very single with going out and partying and all.. and she has made no mention whatsoever of working on the marriage.

I've been trying to give her space and not be ever-present, as I am working trying to get "my" life going and show her I can stand on my own two feet. I've been very nice to her.. She called me Saturday morning - called me Hon - and basically said she needed medicine for our son and she didn't have any.. She didn't want to pack up the kids at 4:30 in the morning to take them to the store.. So - I told her I would bring some over. Got up - brought over medicine, gave it to my son, put him back to bed. She was sleeping - I knelt down next to her - stroked her hair, and softly told her that I had given him the meds, and for her to call me if she needed anything.

Yesterday she calls with a playful and pleasant phone call about my son putting her in a time-out. I don't know - I think she's waffling a little bit... but maybe I'm just picking out things I shouldn't..

She is now at her counseling meeting, and then at 4:00 today, we're supposed to meet for the couples counselor to discuss the problems my daughter is encountering in all of this. I'm very nervous about it, and I'm praying that it goes well.. I'm taking every opportunity to deposit to her love bank, but as you said - probably most, if not all, are just dropping out the bottom.. I don't know.

I'm scared of the whole process.. and I'm hoping and praying that she comes out of the fog and realizes before it's too late that we should be together.. God I hope so.. In the meantime, I am trying to stay un-depressed and trying to get something, anything going in "my" life... Hopefully someday it will be our life..

Thanks again for your comments and opinions.. It helps more than I can say.. I welcome and encourage anyone else out there to jump in here and give me you take on where she's at in all of this, and how I should proceed from here.. Sometimes it truly seems hopeless, but maybe with yours and Gods help, a miracle can happen.. Thanks.

JD,

There is also the issue of withdrawal. The A may be over, but it is NOT in her head. She must go through withdrawal and for some it takes months for this to happen. It would seem that you are seeing bits of fog clearing. It would also seem that you are seeing her still "use" you as if you will always be there. Left gave you some very good insight concerning this aspect of things.

I would suggest that you view these things as baby steps. She will need to take many before this resolves itself. I am sorry to hear your D is having issues with this, but I am not surprised. I am sure they are affected by moving back and forth as well as your W's partying. You as the father probably represent the only stability they have. Be there for them as much as you can.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL,,

Thanks for your take on this.. We went to the counselor meeting yesterday - and the counselor told us we were doing a great job dealing with the kids - working together and cooperating and all - so we actually felt better about the whole thing.. She pointed out some things to watch out for, such as change of eating habits, temper, school grades, sleep changes, etc...

My W and I got along great - joked, was playful, and we even hugged when she left.. She did say she was open to meeting with the counselor to discuss and deal with the "garbage" that we both have and are holding against each other... I thought this was a huge break through... but, we'll see where this goes...

I think you're right about the baby steps, and hopefully, it will continue..

I am trying very hard to focus on me, and my kids.. I am trying to be the rock in their lives.. although they enjoy being at her place more I think because of all the activity and kids around, whereas at my place it is just the three of us... but I'm sure things will get better...

Thank you so much for you views... they are so helpful... so how do you view our meeting?? Should I be hopeful,, or just not think about it?? Thanks again.

JD,

Should you be hopeful? Sure. But don't expect anything. Do you see the difference? Have hope and act in hope, but try to not develop expectations. Those expectations will lead to disappointment and resentment. There seems to be steps being taken, but don't forget often this stuff is two steps forward, one backward, one forward, two backward, three forward, ....

This whole thing requires consummate patience and is definitely NOT for the faint of heart. You are doing well. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL,,

Well, things have turned for the worse.. two steps back I guess.. boy when you say this isn't for the faint of heart- you're right.. this is very painful and tough..

Basically, I saw her yesterday for a couple hours while over to her friend's house.. I was there trying to sell my car that is parked there.. The buyer never even showed up.. but my W was acting somewhat cold and distant from me.. and her friend John was hanging around her like a puppy dog.. he obviously wants more then just friendship.. I ended up taking the kids to our church meeting from 6:30-8:00, and then came back.. As I was getting ready to leave, Jen had to run to the store, and John jumped up and said he had to get something too... so off they went.. in his truck, with her driving... I went home feeling sick to my stomach...

Then this morning I had to drop off a cat to her friends house, and then on my way to work I ended up going by my Wife's place.. Well guess what.. John's car was parked out front on the street... Maybe it was all innocent... she has repeatedly said he is just a friend... but the evidence seems to suggest something else to me... I think she's trying to acclamate our kids to having him and his two kids around... I don't know - maybe not, but my heavy heart is telling me there's something amiss... Hopefully not, and hopefully she and I can contiue on the positives we had on Monday. Please help!! What do you think JL??? What should I do from here???