So, I've been thinking and thinking and crying and thinking and praying and crying etc etc etc. I even posted the situation that occured on Sunday on the marriage builders website, just so that I could know that I'm not going crazy.

I feel like you think I'm just a big dope and will believe anything. I'm afraid that if I try again you will think that no matter what you do I'll always come back to you. I feel like you won't respect me if I do come back now, and I need to know if that's true.

I have decided that I do want to work things out, but we both know that things can't continue the way they have been. The secrecy tears us apart. I know that we will need to work out how everything needs to work together, but there are some things that I do need to know from you before we even start with the counseling. I need to know if you want to be married, I'm not trying to be a pain in the [censored] here... I know you said you want to work things out, but it doesn't seem like you want to be married and share with me. I feel like you want a wife, but not the constraints of marriage. Please tell me I'm wrong? What do you think marriage is supposed to be or what is your idea of marriage?

Also, I know that if we are to work things out, your friendship with Michelle has to end completely. I know that you are tied to her because of the paper route, but other than the monthly checks/deposits I need to know that the friendship and all contact has ended. I know you said you are willing to do this, I just need you to prove it to me. I ordered a book that should be here early next week, its called Not "Just Friends", its a recommended book for couples that have friends of the opposite sex. I plan on reading it and I was hoping that you would read it with me as well.

I feel very vulnerable right now and I know that we are both going through this... I don't know if it'll help us for me to be home or if its helping us by my not being there, but I know that every day I fall apart when I go to bed and you're not there and when I wake up you're not there. What do you want?

I love you with my whole soul and this week has been one of the hardest in my life (next to the last time we went through this). I never knew how strong and how binding "marriage" would be for me. I thought if I ever encountered anything like this again, I'd walk out the door without looking back. I'm finding that I can't do that, I can't just give up on "us".

I have hope.

I have one last question... please be honest with me on this... do you believe that (in my definition) you can be faithful to me for the rest of our lives together? And are you willing to do whatever it takes to be faithful to me?

I am feeling a lot of emotions right now and one of them IS a lot of anger towards you. I do want to work things out but I have some things to say and you need to realize what you are getting into here.

I want you to come over this weekend to see Sammy AS LONG as you can put on a happy face for her. After that I do not think that I want to talk to you until we can see someone. Talk to you about anything that involves "us". We obviously have to talk about the life that we are in and bills and such.

To answer some of your questions here.

What is marriage to me. Marriage to me is being happy with the person that you married and accepting them for who they are. Not putting rules and expectations on them that makes them feel that they have to change into a parody of who they are in order for you to be happy with them. A song and a dance are not what I wanted, if I wanted that I would have stayed married to Stacy. Marriage is knowing that you love somebody and that they are going to come home and love you for everything that you do and everything that you are because you know that they love you and are not looking to replace you.

I have had PLENTY of chances to be unfaithful to you but I haven't because you were more important to me and because you asked that I not and I have respected that. Now you want to know if I think that I can be faithful to you in your definition. Before I answer that I also want to bring up that the other morning you said that Michelle had "Crossed your line". Well, the 2 kind of go hand in hand. NO BODY KNOWS WHAT THE [censored] YOUR LINES ARE because you are always adding to them. I have no idea what your lines are. One time the line was that you didn't want me calling anybody other than you Beautiful, so I stopped ... but if I did does that mean that I crossed the line? This time the word was Lover, so now I cannot say THAT word to anybody and believe me, because THAT rule is so stupid, I will not be saying it to you either! What other words am I not allowed to use? What other rules do I need to know NOW before I find out about them later? If I do not know the full scope of these rules, regulations, requirements and specifications how the hell is anybody else supposed to know them?

Michelle - I know that I said that I would stop being friends with her. I HATE that you are making me do this again. This is the 4th friend that I have dropped for you but somehow that means that I do not love you enough or that my friends are more important to me than you are. I give up, you win, as of right now I am not going to have anymore friends just for you. So that you have no reason to be jealous, petty, insecure, not special or anything else that you come up with. Why should I have friends if all you're ever going to do is ask me to throw them away and trash the relationship that I have built. It's too painful so forget it. I will just become more and more sullen and become an introvert so that I can just concentrate on you, since I never do that now. DO NOT say that's not what you want. THAT IS exactly what you want so you're going to get it. I will try and avoid talking to people here at work or building any relationships at all so that I do not mistakenly have feelings or relationships that you MAY take out of context. We'll see how long that lasts before I just slit my wrists.

Along with that I think that I will also give up all of my dreams just so that I can be where you want me to be at all times. I mean we've already talked about how you do not want me to have an off schedule from you so that pretty much negates a lot of schedules that I would be offered so why bother. Since I need to appease you and make sure that your insecurities and need for me to always be there are fulfilled I will just stay or find a job that I hate and despise so that you are comfortable with all of this. There really isn't any need for me to go to school since what I want isn't really needed ... for now on you just tell me what you think or in my best interests.

What did I think that our marriage was going to be? I thought that you were going to trust me enough so that I could be me, not hounding me or calling me when I'm not where you thought I should be because you think that I'm off doing something nefarious. I thought that you understood that I needed female friends in my life and that with that in mind they were not to replace you but were for me to have some sort of outlet for talking since I do not always want to talk to you about things. I thought our marriage was one where when I forget to do something that I have done frequently that you would not harp on that one instance but instead remember the other times that I DID say or do it.

That is all just a little bit of what I am feeling right now. I am so frustrated with this marriage and with you that I feel that I should just end things any way possible but NO, I do love you and I love who you are. Unfortunately I do not feel that you feel the same about me. You do a TON of stuff for me and you love me tremendously but you also suffocate me in what and how you expect our marriage to be. But none of that matters, in this marriage it's only your way or no way so once again, I will give in and do what you request so that YOU are the only person that has any significance in my life and I hope that that will suffice because right now all I want to do is chew on something life threatening just to make the frustration stop.

I've never had anything but respect for you but it's now getting to the point that I do not respect our relationship because it's one way, your way. You're right in that things do need to change and you are a lot of what needs to change as well! You are not my mother, you are not my guardian and you are not my caretaker. You are somebody that I love and want to spend my life with but not at the expense of my happiness and sanity!