I've discovered that my husband is looking at internet porn and downloading pictures of nude women onto our computer and it really concerns me. I've had some people tell me that as long as things don't go any further that there's nothing wrong with this, but I feel that my husband and I no longer share the same moral values. Can our marriage survive if I just look the other way? Is it true that pornography doesn't mean the same to men as women or is this just as excuse for bad behavior?

I'll probably get 2x4'd for this but I don't see a real problem unless it is stuff that crosses the line. Nude photos like you would find in Playboy, what's wrong with that? Now photos of woman and animals or other fetish type stuff then I can see where you may be concerned. I guess it comes down to I know it when I see it.

If you are bothered by it, talk to him. Have you told him it bothers you? What did he say?

Men are more visual than women so (and this is a poor analogy) it would be similar to a woman reading a romance novel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

bkldy,

Is it true that pornography doesn't mean the same to men as women or is this just as excuse for bad behavior?

In general sex doesn't mean the same thing to men and women. This doesn't mean that looking at porn over the internet is good or bad.

First lets try to understand his behavior. To do so we need a little more input from you. How old are you two? How long have you been married? How would you qualify your sex life? Do you think your husband is happy with it? Has his sexual behavior changed after he started looking at porn? Is he replacing sex with you with porn?

My personal experience with porn was that I got over the internet what I was not getting at home. Sex with my FWW was never great but it was enough (at least for me) but when she started with her A's we didn't have sex (1 or 2 a month if I was lucky). So I went back to my old primitive habits.
During my A talks with my FWW I told her that I masturbated, she was disgusted with the idea, and we agreed that I would stop. I agreed to it not because I think it is wrong but because she does and I don't want to hurt her. I, in particular, would have no problem with her masturbating (She even has 2 vibrators which she doesn't use). So I believe there is no right or wrong. Masturbation can be part of a healthy sexual life but it doesn't mean that everyone should do it or accept it. It is upto you to make that decision.

I would be really worried if he starts to visit dating sites.

I'm no expert, just someone who used to do it.

My WH did that. I never called him on it because it was something he'd done almost since the time we were married. Even in college, he had his collection of Playboys. I should have made an issue of it.. Now, I see it as a symptom of a problem. Would our marriage have been different or would thing have come apart sooner?

IMHO, the time spent doing that on the Internet is time robbed from a marriage. If my WH had invested that time into the sexual aspects of our marriage, we would have a better sexual relationship.

Just letting you know ahead of time, I don't know anything.

When my H and I first started living together (before marriage) I found internet pornography on his computer. This wasn't really that big of a deal for me except that he hid it from me and that kinda bothered me. I confronted him on it and he said his XW had a problem with it and made him feel like he had to hide it. Since then, he stopped hiding it as much... and now 4 years later... he doesn't hide it from me at all. The only thing was to set the conditions for it, if it ever interfered with our sex life then it was a problem, or if he ever masturbated to pornography while I was home that was also a problem. We never argued about it, not even once and it never became a problem.

Your H and you need to talk about how you feel about it, you can't look the other way because it will eat at you, so talk to him about it and if eliminating it is not an option for him then work out some guidelines.

Just my thoughts.

Best of luck.

Shannon

Hi Bkldy ~

I disagree completely with the approach that "men will be men".

First and foremost, if it is a problem for you ~ it's a problem for the marriage. If you have read the concepts of POJA on the website, then you know that if he is doing something (anything!) that you don't enthusiastically agree to ~ that it hurts the marrage.

I consider porn viewing to be a very selfish act that directs both sexual and emotional energy away from the marital relationship. I think you have every right to be concerned about it.

What to do about it?

I think I would first try to talk to your husband about it in a nonjudgemental way, but explain to him how deeply it hurts you. See if he is open to a POJA on this behavior.

I don't want to sound cyncial ~ but I doubt he'll agree. Next I would try asking for third party negotiation via either your minister or priest, or good marriage counselor.

Good luck ~ don't let others downplay your need to a sexually exlusive relationship.

I'm with BrambleRose on this one.

I don't think anything is wrong morally with looking at porn. If you're okay with it, and he is not being secretive and dishonest about it, then there's no problem. But from your post, I think the way it is happening is damaging your marriage.

For some reason, he is feeling the need to go "outside" your marriage with his sexual/mental engergy. Is this because he is not satisfied sexually? Is there something missing emotionally? Is it affecting your sex life with him? Is he being dishonest and hiding it from you? And if so, why?

For most men, it may be simply that he's horny and he has no idea of the deeper issues in what he is doing, as well as the extreme harm he is doing to you and your marriage. This, I'm afraid, is what you need to try to help him realize, without yelling at him, judging him, etc. And he's likely to tell you you're overreacting. The key is for you to stay calm and talk about it to him in a loving, yet firm, manner.

It's a tightrope act, I know. But if it's something that damages your marriage, it needs to be dealt with, not swept under the rug.

As a guy, I'll admit that most guys look at porn at times and it is indeed "a guy thing." But when it begins damaging your marriage, it then becomes "a marriage thing."

Squiggle