this sick feeling in the pit of your stomach like what you are doing is NOT the right thing...I feel that sometimes!

Tonight, WH and I talked on the phone without arguing...which is amazing cuz we cant even say hello lately without it being a shouting match! He asked if I loved him anymore and I told him that I did, but that I do not love the man he has BECOME! I have explained to him that I do not want to divorce, but I have no choice anymore!

I have explained to him what I NEED and he is just not willing to give it to me...I requested to be present at the paternity test when he went...unbeknownst to be, he went to have it done on Tuesday...I called him just as he was going there and I said I would meet him there...he said NO, and also said that the OW was going there! HE said I had NO RIGHT to be there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Ummmm, OK!

Well, tonight when he asked me if I wanted to work this out, part of me DOES and part of me doesn't! The part that does is the part that just cannot let go of the FAMILY part and the part of me that doesn't is the part that SEES him NOW for what he IS! He is disprespectful towards me, after numerous times fo me telling him how to respect me...and you know, it is not even a matter of respecting his WIFE...I am a WOMAN, and all WOMAN need to be respected in some WAY...KWIM??

Ok, so I asked him WHY he wanted to STAY married to me..he said he wanted to keep the family together! ummmm, OK...but WHY do you want to stay married to ME...do you love me....NO, but he THINKS he can get that back...he feels that it would be BEST to stay married to ME and keep the family together! He said he was going to wait for the results of the DNA testing and then do the right thing then...I said, well, what about in the meantime..what are you going to do for me before that comes back! he said NOTHING! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />....NOTHING????? NOTHING???? oh so you dont think you need to do anything to make me feeel secure and comfortable...he said NO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I just wanted to see what he thought about it all...When he asks what I want, I flat out tell him I still want this divorce...but part of me feels guilty for doing it! I feel sick sometimes when I think of it! I can picture myself down the road with a wonderful man who treats me very well, who loves me, but what about my kids??? Can he handle my KIDS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Oh and then the alien throws this in there! "you know when the kids are 13, they WILL live with ME" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> oh really, and who makes that decision??? He said, "all boys want to live with their daddy's! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> soooo he is already bribing them and turning them against me...His words, he said "I tell them sometimes that YOU wont let me come home and tell them to ask you why I cant come home! " <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

This man is so dillusional! He STILL manipulates me! I asked him tonight, how he would feel if I was seeing someone? He said it would hurt him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

ummmm, ok...and why is that??? I just dont understand the man...how can you stay married to someone whom you dont love??? I know I am doing the right thing..but someone jsut slap me in the face here! Please!

Mom,

I've questioned many times whether or not I did the right thing by DV my WH. I have days when I'm sure I should have waited longer, and then there are times like now when he's over a month behind on child support and is refusing to answer his phone or respond to emails. He's ignoring me and ignoring his children.

As for your WH being able to convince the boys to live with him when they're 13, yes I've heard of some boys going to live with their dads. But my bet is that they'll see him for what he is and will stay with you. At this point, my 18-yr-old boy (who my WH tried to have "man-to-man" talks with when the affair first started) will not even speak to his father.

Take it one day at a time. If your WH really wants to come back for the right reasons (instead of the ones that sound to me like he just doesn't want to DV because it's darned expensive being in one household and paying child support to another), he can show you this before the DV is final. How long does it take from the day you file to the day it's final in Texas?

You are not doing the wrong thing. I definitely got that feeling, but I know now that it was fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of not making it on my own. You can do it and will recover. Your stbx will dig his own hole with his kids. He'll either come out of the fog or he won't. If so, his actions will show it.

Thank you for your replies! I KNOW that I am doing the right thing, but I just cant shake this feeling righ tnow! I have nightmares and wake up in cold sweats...we seem to STILL be giong around in circles..He will say one day HE wants to save the marriage, then he does something stupid, like go to her house <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Then I get these feelings of "OMG, what am I doing! I cannot be doing this"

I think my problem RIGHT NOW is that he really has been trying the last few months, but I will NOT for the life of me let him in...I cannot shake these feelings of hatred and bitterness...I mean, really he has been tyring...he hasnt' been to her house, he has been calling me, coming over, TYRING to be respectful, but I am sooooo angry and I cant see me every getting over that anger...

**SIGH** oh well, I guess one way or other things WILL be OK!

I don't post much to you, if at all. But the theme of self doubt is familiar.

You shouldn't be doubting yourself. What choice did you have - your H has already destroyed the family by starting another family without ending his marriage with you. There is no need to explain or to excuse yourself on this forum. You have been patient and tolerant beyond human limits.

If you still doubt yourself, think about 27 years hence. Imagine your grown sons have wives and children. Imagine that one of them takes up with another woman and they conceive a child. How can you look your daughter in law and grandchild in the face if you suspect that your son learned his behavior by imitating his own parents marriage?

You are doing the right thing without a doubt. (You may doubt yourself, but from a stranger's point of view, there is no other choice.)

Somehting in the Bible says the sins of the fathers will be visited upon the children, down to seven generations. (Bible scholars, correct me because I'm not an expert.) Your filing for divorce is imperative from that standpoint.

Your boys are learning that if they cheat on their wives, there will be terrible consequences. You are doing them a very important service. You are their moral yardstick. God bless you.

Hi Mom2,

The 3 states: Intimacy <--> Conflict <--> Withdrawal

When in the state of conflict, you can go either way. Which way do you want to go? If you think that Intimacy might be possible, I would highly recommend guidance from Steve Harely for BOTH of you.

I wouldn't stop the divorce if I were you, but I would seriously consider adding marriage coaching to the equation IF Dad2 is wanting to fall in love with you again AND if you are wanting to let Dad2 in but you don't know how to do that while still protecting yourself in a precarious situation.

Take care Mom2

I was glad to read this,I am going thru this right now.There are days all I want is it to be over with and for me to go on,but on other days I cant let go.

My stbx still feels that he does not have to put his all into me or our relationship because I will never really be gone.I try to be strong,not talk to him see him for who he really is and know deep down he is never going to change but still its hard and I wonder am I doing what is best.

I know how you are feeling,its so hard and you have one more obsticle and that is the OC,dont know how I would handle that.

Find comfort in knowing you are not alone in these feelings,I sure am.Thanks for this post,I feel a little better already.

mom, I agree. I think you are doing the right thing for your situation. I also understand that feeling you are talking about. I had my first court hearing today and have been in the dumps wondering if I am doing the right thing. I know, in my mind that my marriage will never make it at this point so I am doing the right thing for both of us, however it is sad to see a family falling apart right before my eyes.