this sick feeling in the pit of your stomach like what you are doing is NOT the right thing...I feel that sometimes!

Tonight, WH and I talked on the phone without arguing...which is amazing cuz we cant even say hello lately without it being a shouting match! He asked if I loved him anymore and I told him that I did, but that I do not love the man he has BECOME! I have explained to him that I do not want to divorce, but I have no choice anymore!

I have explained to him what I NEED and he is just not willing to give it to me...I requested to be present at the paternity test when he went...unbeknownst to be, he went to have it done on Tuesday...I called him just as he was going there and I said I would meet him there...he said NO, and also said that the OW was going there! HE said I had NO RIGHT to be there! Ummmm, OK!

Well, tonight when he asked me if I wanted to work this out, part of me DOES and part of me doesn't! The part that does is the part that just cannot let go of the FAMILY part and the part of me that doesn't is the part that SEES him NOW for what he IS! He is disprespectful towards me, after numerous times fo me telling him how to respect me...and you know, it is not even a matter of respecting his WIFE...I am a WOMAN, and all WOMAN need to be respected in some WAY...KWIM??

Ok, so I asked him WHY he wanted to STAY married to me..he said he wanted to keep the family together! ummmm, OK...but WHY do you want to stay married to ME...do you love me....NO, but he THINKS he can get that back...he feels that it would be BEST to stay married to ME and keep the family together! He said he was going to wait for the results of the DNA testing and then do the right thing then...I said, well, what about in the meantime..what are you going to do for me before that comes back! he said NOTHING! ....NOTHING????? NOTHING???? oh so you dont think you need to do anything to make me feeel secure and comfortable...he said NO!

I just wanted to see what he thought about it all...When he asks what I want, I flat out tell him I still want this divorce...but part of me feels guilty for doing it! I feel sick sometimes when I think of it! I can picture myself down the road with a wonderful man who treats me very well, who loves me, but what about my kids??? Can he handle my KIDS

Oh and then the alien throws this in there! "you know when the kids are 13, they WILL live with ME" oh really, and who makes that decision??? He said, "all boys want to live with their daddy's! soooo he is already bribing them and turning them against me...His words, he said "I tell them sometimes that YOU wont let me come home and tell them to ask you why I cant come home! "

This man is so dillusional! He STILL manipulates me! I asked him tonight, how he would feel if I was seeing someone? He said it would hurt him

ummmm, ok...and why is that??? I just dont understand the man...how can you stay married to someone whom you dont love??? I know I am doing the right thing..but someone jsut slap me in the face here! Please!

mom

I don't get his reasoning...Wait until he gets the result of the DNA test and then "do the right thing". What is the "right thing". If it is his child he needs to support it but until the D is final he's married to you and will remain obligated to his children married or not.

It is a stupid question but why would anyone want to be involved with another who has to take a DNA test to see if the child is yours?...You don't have to answer.

You have both heard this so many times I am sure one more time won't kill you...nothing can ever get better as long as OW is still in the pic...
I feel for you...sorry
H

kandi, he's still talkin' isn't he? talkin', talkin', talkin'. No doin'.

You hang in there. Keep being strong. You're doing the right thing -- except for that part about having conversations with the dimwit, that is.

I know it's scary to think about him turning your boys against you, but really. . . they're smart kids. There may be times when they will play that card with you both, but in the end, they will know who was on the side of this family and who wasn't.

Blessings,
PM

Kandi,

Don't believe the kid thing by any means. My FWH and his brothers had a choice and they chose their mother because boys love their Moms. You can't change that. Unless you were a wicked woman or they had an awful stepfather they would choose you. Who can not love their mom? I mean my mom is an alcoholic and she is mean and I still love her and chose her over my dad. Your mother is your mother. Just make life safe and comfortable for them. Love them and respect them and they won't want to leave you for anything. My son is 4 and when FWH and I were separated he didn't even want to go with his dad because he missed me too much. Half the time he stayed home because he would scream and cry so much when it was time for him to go. Don't worry about the future. I think you and the boys will be fine. I am praying for you as always and I am so glad you are so strong now.

The games they play eh?

HINY

kandi--i divorced my first hubby when our son was 2....i always knew our son would hit a point that the grass would look greener and would want to live with dad....it is only natural....the custodial parent is the bad guy disciplining them all the time, right......so i figured it would happen. its happened to almost all the moms i know.....what i also know is i am secure enough in who i am as a mom to handle it. and all those other kids i saw do it....came running HOME in less than a month!!!!! lol

Kandi - You say you want to save your marrige. Yet you are willing to go to Plan D (Divorce) while refusing to go to Plan B.

Why do you refuse to do the one thing that *might* actually do some good here?
Mulan

It works the other way for me sometimes. I wonder if it was the right thing to do to M him. If I would have known how hard it would be...what was in store. And should I have stayed M after the betrayal. Or here's the biggie...should we have had kids together?!!!!

Kandi, stay on the course you're on. I'm all for people saving their Ms, but your H has proven over and over again what an A** he is. Sorry! I'm with Hiker as far as what difference does it make what the results of the paternity test are? So if it's not his kid you're in, if it is his kid you're out? Oh thank you mighty gracious one! Your DA** right you deserve better than the person he has become.

As far as your boys, just be the best mom you can be. Children need love, not things. He unfortunately sounds like the kind of parent who will use manipulation on them. They will need you to be solid so they won't get sucked in to his bullcrap. And they will know in time who had the integrity and who loves them without strings attached.

Kandi, I told you before about my cousin whose H Ded her and Med the OW 18 yrs. ago when she was 43. He was a total [email]jack@$$[/email] like your H. None of his adult kids talk to him now. I'm not saying I'm hoping that will happen in your case. Hopefully Ed will become a decent human being and be a good dad. However, you will have a good R with them. Also, this cousin remarried within about 5 yrs. to the most wonderful man who her children love. You have payed your dues. You don't have to settle with this dysfunctional person. Hugs! CV

Kandi,

Wowww,,, he sure knows EXACTLY where your buttons are and how & when to push 'em!!

Hon, you've done EVERYTHING you can and then some. It's time for him to be SHOWING you something, some reason to hope. And I don't see it. He knows your LB for him is seriously depleted and now he's trying to hold onto you through fear.

Kandi, I know what it's like to be at that road where you have to decide which path to take. And the indecision can eat you alive. I don't see that he's giving you much of a choice. Stay strong Kandi. I know this is hard... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

M23B,

You're coming so far along that I can almost see your strength building. Don't let him and his delusions set you back. I was so encouraged by what you said about him needing to respect you not as a wife, but a woman. Yes, you deserve all that and more.

That crap about wanting to come back if the paternity test shows the baby isn't his is just revolting on so many levels.

Dobie

This man is so dillusional! He STILL manipulates me!

That's not reason enough to stay away?

There's always tomorrow (as the Rudolph song goes).

And a D does not mean the END...it means you are protecting yourself from financial loss/burden, the hurt, and set up court rules and boundaries to contact.

You can always get M again.

BUT (and just a little but today, I feel like losing weight). Why the continued contact with him? What is it about talking with him that gives you something back?????

Please please, please think long and hard about consciously ending ALL contact with the man...NO MORE TRIANGLE!!!

Hey Mom,

Just more words.... he's strung you along for HOW LONG with these words?

Romantic words, manipulative words... marriage words, threaten you with the kids words... yank, yank, yank, yank...

Arent you tired of this yet?

Hi Mom2,

I may be mistaken (it wouldn't be the first time I misunderstood MB principles) but isn't it OUR responsibility to protect OUR Love Banks so that there is something to work with should we decide to rebuild?

Are you protecting your Love Bank when you ALLOW WH to drain it every time you talk to him? What can YOU do to protect your Love Bank balance that is left? (Before you say there is NO $LB balance, I don't think this would bother you if your Love Bank was closed.)

Hi Dad2. Yes, I believe you are reading this. The Mom2 "fix" you're getting is costing your family dearly. Is it really worth the price????????

Dad2, are you having any thoughts of becoming the man and father you could be? If you are, you know who the strong and successful men on these boards are. You could seek them out (using a new screen name) leaving out details that would identify you so that you could do your work anonymously without anyone knowing what you were doing (you know OW reads here to plot her next moves).

Mom2, what are you going to do to protect your Love Bank and what are you going to do to quit being a pawn in WH/OW's drama?

Take care

WOW, I didn't think anyone would respond to me! Thanks! Yes, I AM getting tired of all of it! i have asked him to STOP calling me and he continues to do it and I continue to pick up the phone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Only my fault, I know!

Plan B??? I did a plan B for about 2 months or so! It didnt 'do a damn thing except made him go to her...he was SUPPOSED to be working on himself and trying to figure things out, yada, yada, yada...uh huh!

I have to tell you he has tried soooo hard the last few months to TRY to do the right thing, but I WONT LET HIM! I WONT LET HIM into my heart! I will not allow him near me...I wont let him do anythng for me! He begged me one night to come home...saying he would do all the work...I wouldnt' have to do anything...he would fill ALL ME EN's..I think back to that night and I get sick...i think I should have let him come and try to do it...now I have filed this stupid divorce and we are arguing all the time!

I think he says these things, cuz he just does not think before he opens his BIG MOUTH and they come out wrong...I dont know what he meant by that commment..>I think that if the paternity comes back as it IS his then he is tied to OW forever, if it is not his then he doesnt' ever have to see her again and I think he was relieved by that one!

I am just thinking to myself that he WAS trying and I wasnt' letting him in....It's kinda like right after DDay and I tried soooo hard and he wouldn't let ME in..now it is reversed! KWIM???

I am just a mess...I have got to get my head screwed on stragiht...I think it is only natural to feel this way though...I mean, gosh, it's not like threowing away a pair of shoes...this is my MARRIAGE, MY FAMILY! It is so easy to say "just do it" but when it comes right down to it, it is damn scary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

What did Plan B do for you?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

--------------------
The energizer bunny has been arrested and charged with battery!

[color:"purple"] [/color] Mom you are not wrong in how you feel - it is so hard - but the simple fact remains - he made it hard like this....You shouldn't feel like this is your fault - he did this - he had the affair he had the child - he is continuing to see this woman to talk to her - to keep it from you - You are not wrong - you filed for divorce to save yourself or what was left of your marriage -someone had to take a stand - You are the brave one - If you get divorced - it might not be over but he will know for sure that you refuse to live like this.... You cannot continue to second guess yourself - You can only control yourself - You and your boys should have been his top priority all along - and you haven't been - Do not beat yourself up - You are not wrong.... Really you are not.. It is funny I remember when I was going through this and I said something like well "my ex said that it was hard to break away from his girlfriend" and my sister was like what - What about you you are his wife???? I mean they literally get all twisted and the sad thing is that they get us the BS feeling bad for them and second guessing our actions... Keep in mind you did this to protect yourself - from him - because of him.... You did nothing.... If you let him come back he would have done the same thing a week later - he has to be willing to give up that other person totally.... Try to stay strong...

One of the things that a good plan B would have done was allow the OW to meet all his needs. Usually, that is enough get a WH out of the fog and burst the bubble. Your giving him fixes of Kandi only defeats that purpose. If it doesn't cause him to feel all he is missing with you and an intact family with you then maybe the two of them deserve each other and you will ultimately be better off without all their drama in your life.

When do you think you will get the results of the paternity test?

MT3B,
Why would you let him into your heart?

He needs to return to you, not because of his current feelings for you vs. his current feelings for her, but because of his commitment to care for you. It's not a feeling. It's a decision.

Let him stay with a woman whom he trusts so much that he'll need a paternity test on this baby and any additional ones. He'll never ever trust her. That will be his punishment for as long as he remains with her.
Cherished

Hi Mom,

I bet we are of very different personalities... I'm guessing you're an ESFJ with a HIGH sense of duty and family, but for the life of me I cannot understand how you think it's SCARIER to be divorced, and in control of your life, as opposed to being with a VERY dangerous man?!?

HE scares me MUCH more than being alone would. He's cruel, narcissistic, and risks your family with OC's and possibly VD's. He's unstable. He only yanks your chain when he see's you pulling away. Most strangers on the street would treat you more kindly.

It might help to examine WHY you think D is more threatening to you than he is. From this side of the screen, he scares the hell out of me - Dru