I’m not sure why I’m posting other than I feel completely insane, unproductive and desperate. I’m a WW who has been having an A for two and a half years. I’ve posted here before and gotten wonderful advice, but I haven’t followed through on any of it. I just don’t know who to talk to and more and more I feel like a crazy lunatic.

I started NC with OM last month and was doing very well, although I never told my H. I know that was a mistake and part of my problem. I blocked all of OMs emails and changed my schedule, took different routes to work and focused all of my energy on my H. I started IC again. Things were actually going better than I expected and H was saying things to me like, “wow, we haven’t talked like this in years.” I was never fully engaged in the relationship and didn’t even realize it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I really wanted to tell him but my IC said she didn’t think I was ready because NC had only been two weeks. I also had some concerns because I am finishing my Master’s program and I felt I couldn’t put all of my effort into both school and the relationship and be successful in either. Since this was the forth time I had ended the relationship with OM, I was cautious about telling the few people who knew about the relationship that it was over in case we ended up back together (the typical pattern.) Since two weeks was the longest I had gone without seeing or talking to OM, I finally confessed to my best friend (who lives in another state) and my mom that it was over (both are unsupportive of the relationship.) They were ecstatic and very supportive. Reading posts on this board was also very helpful, particularly during weak moments when I missed the OM.

In the typical pattern of my relationship with the OM, he started showing up at my work and school wanting to talk to me. I tried varying my schedule and skipping days at work in order to avoid him but after a while he started taking days off from work and following me. Every time I would see his truck I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I would shoot down side streets and through neighborhoods and I would finally lose him. Until one day when he caught me and to make a long story short, the relationship is slowly starting back up again.

This is why I feel so crazy. I don’t want to see him anymore! I have no interest in a future with him, yet here I am. After almost three weeks of NC I felt clear-headed and more grounded. I felt a sense of inner peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. Every day I had NC with OM, I felt like I had really accomplished something. I was working towards doing the right thing, which was telling my H. I just don’t understand WHY I let this OM have the control over me that he does. I know I have free will, and I’m sure I’m get pummeled for this post. Half of the time my head is in la-la land and I’m not focused on the here and now. I’m so tortured by all of this yet at the same time I feel powerless to change. I understand the right thing to do is tell my H but I am in the midst of trying to graduate and I just can’t handle it. Although I just can’t handle it anyway apparently, as I am behind on my thesis and my advisor informed me today that I am in danger of failing. I just bought a pack of cigarettes after being quit for five years and I feel like I’m getting ready to hit rock bottom. I acted (and continue to act) selfishly and turned away from my marriage in a time when my H needed me the most. I’ve made such a mistake and want to fix things, but can’t seem to break free from the grip of the A. OM just left for a weeklong trip with his W and my H is out of town. I’ve been looking forward to OM being gone so I can clear my head but it’s having the opposite effect and I can’t seem to think about anything else. I know this is a long post and rhere isn’t anything that anyone can tell me that hasn’t been said to me before, but I appreciate everyone letting me get it out. I just feel so hopeless…

KM,

Short answer...tell your husband.

Until you change how you are dealing with the situation nothing will change. Yes, telling your husband will not be easy but what your doing is no piece of cake either.

Even now as you aren't in contact with the OM you are still betraying your H. Often times BS's feel that the constant lying is worse than the actual "affair" itself.

Keep posting....

God Bless

Doug

Katie Mae,

I'm pretty Junior here, but its my second time around, so I only have a few short words. I agree with Doug, you need to tell your H. As a BS twice over, it was easier the first time when my H was honest about it and came clean and we were able to work through it... the second time around I found out about it, and am finding its a lot harder to work through the hurt and anger. I'm not saying that it'll be easy and in the end its your choice, but think about this... Forgiveness and healing come a lot easier with honesty... and each passing moment you run the risk of your H finding out and you lose another opportunity to change.

Just my two cents.

Hang in there.

Shannon

I really hate to tell you this, KM, but you won't end this on your own. You're playing this little game with yourself right now by telling yourself that if you can work up enough internal remorse for what you're doing you'll feel better about yourself.

Not gonna work...you can't bluff me. If you want to end this relationship, you will end it. The truth is that you don't really want to.

You have lots of options, the first being to tell your H that this guy is stalking you. Another is telling this guy that if he doesn't stay away, you'll tell his wife. A third is to get a PPO against the guy, but then your H might wonder why and you'd have to tell him.

It's an addiction. You need help to end it. Your H and the OM wife can provide that help.

Low

Let's make it unanimous. Tell your husband.

My husband was able to break off his affair once I knew about it. Before that he kept getting drawn back in, just like you.

Stop and think about it. Once your husband knows, and you are working on your problems openly, do you really think you would risk your marriage again? I don't think you would. Also, tell his wife, too. That will put his attention back where it belongs: on his own marriage.

~ Snow

Please try not to get too offended by my post. It's great you're here, trying to get out.

I see you saying, I know this is unfair and horrible for me to do to my husband, but ending it might put a kink in MY education.

So just as in the affair, you're willing to continue abusing and betraying your husband to get something you want.

Why are you in this trap? This dilemma?

Because everything is about you. You don't want to end the A because it's such a thrill. And even if you could get motivated to end it, that could mess up your education.

Me me me me me me me me me me me.

You continue to abuse your husband because there's something in it for you. Having OM hammer away at you, or getting your degree, or whatever.

How about putting your H's needs first for a change?

Isn't that what loving someone means?

Give, and you will receive. You might just have to - god forbid - wait a little while for your reward.

GC

Thank you everyone for responding. I will tell my H, it’s just a matter of time. I’m struggling with admitting to a relationship that is nearing three years in length… how can my H possibly believe me when I say I’m sorry, it was a mistake, I want to work it out even though I continued to engage in an inappropriate relationship for such a long time? He’s going to question why I didn’t end it sooner and to be honest, I don’t have a good answer. There are no good answers. “I didn’t want to then but I want to now?” I can’t begin to justify my behavior. I guess the question is, is it better late than never… is it easier in the beginning or does it matter? I suppose it’s never easy (poor choice of words)… is what really matters the honesty and the willingness to admit to being deceitful and wrong? The sincerity of really wanting to change as a person? Wanting to show your H you love him more than anything and you are truly sorry? All I know is how much I love my H and that I will never, ever, do this again. You are right Gray Cloud, my inability to tell him because of my schooling is selfish. It’s hard for me because my degree is my dream and I’ve been working on it for four and ½ years (me, me, me… I know). However, my marriage is more important so I think when my H comes back from his trip I will tell him…. I’m not sure how, but I will. I know several of you think I don’t really want to end my A, but I do. I admit the OM meets several of my EN and has been a band-aid on my M for a long time… when I am with him, I get those needs met, and fall back into the old pattern. But I don’t want this anymore… it’s not fair to my H and it’s killing me. Thank you all again for your insight and support….

Hi Katie,

You need to tell your BH and your OM's BW.

Not trying to get down on you but you need to end this all the way, and the right way. It is your BH's choice if he wants to stay with you after you tell him, if you love him give him this choice. You are having panic attacks because you are not following what you know to be right. Listen to them, they are speaking to you.

I doubt OM will be bothering you anymore after his wife knows, or your husband knows.

You are here on this site for a reason, so I applaud you for that.

Lead your husband to this site as soon as you tell him so he can get the support he will need, and the education he will need to be able to handle this.

Might want to purchase SAA and Private Lies as well, for you both to read. I haven't read ( but see it recommended here alot ) "Torn Asunder".

Good luck and bless you Katie.

Let me get this straight...you're not telling him because you can't foresee how he will respond to it? What if you KNEW he would put you out? What you are doing is worse than you think...you are MANIPULATING your H. You can't control how he will respond to this. It's going to hurt him. He may very well put you out. It's too late for you to change any of that. What's done is done and the consequences will follow naturally. The longer you delay, the more hurt and used your H will feel.



Bull. Like I said earlier...if you wanted to end it, you would. It's not killing you or you'd do something about it.
You have no easy choices at this point. The damage has been done. Own up to it, accept what happens and change your life.

At this point, you can't count on saving your marriage. You can't count on controlling anything. Stop trying to.

Do right, KM

Low

You can stop.

Make those changes so that you can become a person you respect.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

--------------------
The energizer bunny has been arrested and charged with battery!

Okay, I just got off the phone with my mom. We had a long conversation about what's been going on. She feels I should NOT tell my H. She said it's not fair to unburden my guilt on him because it won't help and he can't handle it. I understand this is the view of many people (Dr. Harley has mentioned this) but since it's my mom I can't help but listen. My best friend and IC have also said I shouldn't tell him. At the same time, I don't consider it unburdening guilt... I think of it as taking an honest step towards fixing myself and my marriage. Why are the people who know me (and my H) the best telling me to keep my mouth shut? Is it because they don't want to see him hurt or because they don't want to get caught up in the drama when I do tell? Is it because they don't want to see me hurt? I already am hurting. Do most people feel the way they do? I know the answer on this board is no, but it's hard when you're getting advice from both sides...

KM

You do not know what your H can or cannot handle. He can handle the truth much better than he can handle the lies.

I didn't have to tell my W about the A...she suspected it and discovered it on her own. In many ways it was the cowards way out for me since I didn't have to muster up the strength to tell my W.

The OW in my situation didn't tell her H. My W gave him the bad news.

The A wasn't as long as yours but it was deffinately a rollercoaster ride.

I never thought my W would forgive me. There have been several times when I thought for sure I was headed out the door. I didn't want to confess but I did. I did it in such a manner that it made it even more difficult for my W to accept what I was saying as the truth.

I am living a miracle. I believe that it would not have happened if the truth was still hidden. I would have continued to live a lie and so would the OW. The truth has kept us apart...lies kept us together.
H

Katie, I posted to you about an hour ago, but it was lost somewhere in cyberspace. So I'll try again.

First, concerning your mom and BF's advice. Most people don't know jack about As and the proper way to handle an A when it occurs. When the truth about my H's A occurred H was so guiltridden he went to confession. The priest told him to not tell me the whole truth. We would never have any intimacy in our M if he would have followed that advice.
I'm sure your mom and BF are scared for a variety of reasons. They might not want your H to get hurt. They probably fear your H will dump you and you will get hurt. Maybe they wonder what will happen to the Rs they have with your H. You know what, the only thing that matters is this. Are you going to do the right thing or not?

I have to be honest with you and say this. I truly commend you on the effort you are making to get yourself out of this A. I also have to tell you that there is nothing that annoys me more than an active WS. I'm being nice now. You have made some horrible choices that are going to have consequences no matter how you cut it. There is no simple way out of this mess. You can tell your H now and face the consequence that he might leave you. I can tell you I never thought I'd stay if my H cheated on me, and yet here I am, over a year later. You can wait to tell him, so you can wrap up your grad degree. I can honestly tell you that the longer you are in the A, and he is lied to, the longer he will feel cheated and like he has been living a lie for years. You can keep cake eating and be miserable, continuing your life without integrity. You can end the A and never tell him, however you will never have true intimacy in your M again. I would say that you should pick the choice that sucks the least. I can tell you as the BS I know the only choice I would want you to make.

Also, you can ask the powers that be at your university for an extension on your thesis or a leave due to personal problems. I got my MA in 8/03. In 2002-2003 I went to 5 funerals of family members. H lost his dad, and my dad was very sick throughout that year. I was the major caretaker of him, had 2 teenage sons, was dealing with H's emotional and sexual withdrawal because of his A(not known by me), and was working my butt off to finish my internship. The day my dad died my graduation papers were being processed. I found out about H's A 4 months after I graduated. It screwed me up so badly I still haven't taken my licensure exam because I wasn't able to study. So sorry, I really don't have a lot of sympathy about your career goals. What about yout H's right to be living an honest life? To know what's going on so he can choose his destiny?

You are not going to begin to feel any better until you do the right thing. And you might be feeling pretty darn bad until you begin to feel better. However, you won't be moving forward at all in your life if you don't begin to live honestly. Trust me, at the end of your life that masters degree won't be the thing that brings you peace and comfort. When you decide to do what's right we will all be here to help you. CV

Katie,

My wife has had two A's. I found out about the second one before the first. One of the hardest things for me to get over was that her family knew about the first A for about 3 years before I did. Not only had my wife betrayed me, her family had too in a way.

Maybe the truth will never come out. Maybe you H will never be the wiser. But, if he ever finds out, even if it has been over for a long time, it will still hurt just as bad.

Your mom, friends and IC looking out for you. My W's friends and family gave her the same advice. During and after My A, my friends told me to keep it quiet because of my W's ongoing A. That's what YOUR friends do....the look out for you. It is up to YOU to look out for your husband and marriage.

Your friends are doing what they think is best...keeping others from getting hurt. You keeping this to yourself puts distance between you and your H and increases guilt you feel.

You're not unburdening on your H, you're just unburdening it.


God Bless

Doug

KM

You know the differenc ebetween 'involved' and 'committed' ?

Take a an eggs benedict :

The Chicken is involved

The pig is COMMITTED

Until your H and OMs W know you are involved in ending the affair but not committed.

Your Mom, bless her, knows about as much about affair dynamics as I did on D-day. She only knows that YOU will be at the end of some sharp words once your BH knows of your affair. So her instinct is toprotect you from hurt. Trouble is you dived your whole family into in a whole pool of hurt when you first took off your panties with OM.

COMMIT to recovery. Treat your H with some dignity. Recover your own dignity.

Tell your H ask him to help you to stop the affair and rebuild your M.

KM

I have been a WW too though in a very short affair. Does the length of the A hurt your chances of repairing your M ? Honestly the ans is probably - but thats only my own opinion.
Can you avoid it?
I doubt it. Sooner or later you WILL screw up and your H will find out. I'd suggest he already knows 'something' has been up for 3 or 4 years and has gone into denial and blamed it on your masters. That is a natural reaction of BS I think initially.
When should you tell him?
The most obvious ans is asap, BUT here I differ from others because of my own expereince. I told my H during an extremely difficult time for him, very stupid of me in hindsight, our IC/MC said she would have advised at a later period - we are talking only weeks here not months by the way - AND the A was well over.
I would only pay attendtion to professional advice and ask why such advice is given. If its because you are having trouble coping with your Masters then frankly you should seek to have it put aside for a year and start to fix your M. You cannot continue to use your IC as an excuse here - illness is another matter but just dealing with your desires is not an adequate reason.
So you need to tell your H within the next week or 2 subject to the professional advice.

How?
Never heard or found a good way. I cried and screamed it at my H to my shame. Maybe the best is to sit down at the table and simply tell him 'I have stuffed up terribly ...etc"

Be prepared for the worst. His first reaction will be shock I'd guess followed by anger and emotions that will hurt him greatly. You cannot avoid this.
He may want to go, may want you to go .. there are so many ways he may react ... you cannot control that. Perhaps seek to stay with your Mom if he wants you gone for a while & have that prearranged. BUT DONT RUN AWAY. It will be important to show by ACTIONS you want to stay and fight for your M

Yes you are going to loose control of the situation once you tell him .... that was one of my greatest fears ...
BUT if he finds out by himself then I can only go by what happened with my brother & his wife. When he found out about a 4 yr A that was it ...over - kids or no kids he was out of there. She wants to reconcile and start over he wont talk to her.

Frankly your only chance in my opinion is to tell your H and be HONEST. Tell him you dont know why if you dont yet ..but also say you are seeing a IC to try to find out why so it doesn't happen again.

It really is time to face the consequences KM, you may loose or you may find after some hard work you have something special in your M ...right now you have NOTHING but a selfish one sided relationship thats bound to fail sooner or later.

So suck it in and tell him - we'll be happy to help any way we can but YOU have to act.

KM,

I've been reading this thread w/great interest. I see you dancing around the issue of telling your H. Let me advise you, he will be hurt worse by you withholding this information from him than if you just come out & tell him. God love your family but without trying to sound rude, your family doesn't know squat about YOUR M or your H's ability to handle something. No one knows that except your H. I have always said that I would rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie. I think most BS on this board will agree w/me. The lies are the biggest thing to get over IMO. So if you withhold this vital information from him, especially if he finds out on his own (& most likely he WILL), then who do you think he's going to be the most angry with? YOU. And he will probably be very angry w/your family for trying to keep the truth from him.

Fact is, if you keep rationalizing of why NOT to tell him, the more time that goes by, you won't end up telling him at all & when he finds out, he'll feel betrayed worse later.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the courage to face those demons.