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I just reread Plan A and B in SAA. It is confusing to me. I was in a modified plan b while the affair went on (had to talk to her often in mediation meetings and dealing with our 4 children; we are splitting the time with them). The affair ended about a month ago, but she is still totally full speed ahead on the divorce, with vague reasons ("I don't want to settle for less.... I feel judged by you etc.")<P>I am aware of issues I need to work on, and have clearly offered to do so, and Have indicated my desire to stay married. But the divorce continues without a hiccup.<P>Is now the time to try to meet her needs, not do the love busters etc., or basically ignore her except for stuff I absolutely have to communicatae with her about? The divorce will be final in (gulp) 2-3 weeks. Any thoughts?
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Joined: May 1999
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Will she even let you meet her needs? Regardless if you are in B or A, both require no lovebusters.<P>Protecting yourself isn't a lovebuster, as long as you do it without lovebusters....Did that make sense?<P>I say, no lovebusters for sure - and IF she will let you meet her needs maybe it couldn't hurt.<P>At least I would try, and I would feel good about doing everything I could have.<P>I hope that the 11th hour there is some sort of hope. <P>My sister in law divorced her husband last year. They had a mutual property settlement, and the divorce was almost instant. She moved back in with her husband about 2 months later. It does happen.
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I would say Plan A. Plan B is for when you want to avoid the resentment of the affair which could lead to lovebusters.<BR>Plan A is to show her how you've changed if you have.<BR>Best of luck, I don't think I'm too far behind you though. W's affair ended last week, her lawyer is out this week and she is on vacation and away the following so I have 2 weeks to figure out what I"m going to do.
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I guess Plan A won't hurt anything, even after the divorce. We will still need to talk and interact regularly because of our 4 kids. Who knows? <P>RWD, I prayed for you for wisdom, courage, and clarity during your 2 weeks. I've never been more aware of deadlines, dates, and the passage of time than during this whole separation/divorce deal.
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I don't know if she will "let" me meet her needs. I do know that there is no point at this juncture in withholding kindness or in angry outbursts or in judging what she is doing (thought it is wrong!). We are in a conflict right now over how we are going to handle next week (I have the kids most of the week). Without getting into the details, she has basically called me weak and indecisive ( a love buster on her part!). It's hard to know how to respond. I feel very defensive, but I know that will just degrade into a pointless conflict. Thoughts?
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Defensiveness is the fuel for the fire. Try and look for solutions if the conflict is about visitation. Ask her to help you brain storm for solutions until you guys hit on one or modify an idea that you both can agree on in a POJA.<P>Also, be careful - disrespectful judgements are also lovebusters. Better to not have an opinion than to be right. You don't want justice, you want peace.<P>You want to make your life appealing to your wife, not to rub her nose in it, but to make where she's at in life feel unsafe and where she would be with you is "safe". <P>You need to understand how she is feeling, before you can be understood.<P>Hang in there. What exactly is the situation with visitation?
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Joined: Aug 1999
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I like the idea of making her feel unsafe in her situation, so that being with me appears "safe." Not sure exactly how to do that with divorce weeks or even days away (waiting on settlement papers to be drawn up to be reviewed then signed). The visitation issue was solved. I really felt good about how that went. God gave me grace to be firm about what I wanted and what seemed best for the kids, but I also compromised and was not a bit defensive. She responded well, I think. Much less intensity than there could have been, had I come in loaded for bear....
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Wow, there have been a lot of posts since I was last on. I just wanted to keep this thread alive, if anyone has any thoughts.
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Thanks for your prayers Doc!<BR>Don't be wishy washy worrying about how things effect your w. You must make the best choices for your children. Also your w may appreciate you making choices. That was one of my problems. I didn't take charge of things, I always let her do it because it was easier, I was lazy about it, I didn't want to make a decision. These things plus other caused her to lose respect for me.<BR>Since I've been on my own with the children, I've made alot of decisions, not all of them good, but I made them myself.The hardest was telling her not to come in and clean and grocery shop as I needed to learn to do thsi my self(I still haven't found time to shop!)<BR>My problem is that I'm a conflict avoider. My w appreciates a man who is more decisive so I am working on improving that part of my life too!<BR>
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