2Long,

You and I are in similar situations - to the extent that neither of us has much of a plan (as the local planmeisters see it).

I appreciate the humor.

I think sometimes that we just have to ignore the crisis and live life.

The birds flew free and sang even over Aushwitz. Ever thought about that?
And we've got it very very good in this life - despite whatever our W's are doing/thinking.

-AD

Update:

I stayed at the office til 9pm last night - so minimal interaction with W.

DD was out of the bath when I got home, running around with wet hair in a pretty good mood. I barely interacted with her either - which is certainly a minus for the day.

I told WW that the cable TV would be cut off in the next few days. She wasn't upset - said she doesn't watch much TV anyway (?!?). She did say, kinda weakly, that since we'll probably move/sell/whatever in a couple of month anyway, I might as well have left it on until then.

WW invited me to watch another segment of LOTR with her. I declined, saying I needed to sleep.

WW slept in her own room, so I had my space to myself again.

Still no word from the DNA lab. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Finances are my big worry right now. I'm afraid WW will not cooperate with getting "our" house sold. It sucks almost half of my income down the drain. Although she promised to put it on the market in mid-May, I can see that she was not serious about it - wants to wait until she gets her citizenship - or at least until she gets the interview notice. We've got plenty of prep work to do, so I figure it can wait a month, but we need it on the market in the summer for sure. Whether or not we D, we don't need that house.

Time is getting short. Although renting my other house would provide complete financial relief, my present plan is to move to the other house over Mem-day weekend. I'll tell the potential renters "no". W will not be happy with me moving out.

I'm thinking of cancelling some of my life insurance - term stuff that I buy through payroll deduction. That will save me another $75/month. If something happens to me, WW will still have enough to be OK and be able to take care of DD.

-AD

AD:

Why not rent the other house out, get yourself a small apartment, and put the first house on the market?

-ol' 2long

2Long,

Hi!

I've thought about that.

1) Honestly, I would rather be in the house. There is so much to do there, it will keep me busy.

2) The guy wants a 2-year lease and I don't want to commit to that long.

3) If I rent the house, I'll have to find a spot for the grand piano. I think I could rent it out too. I know a retired piano tuner who could probably connect me with somebody. BTW. He called me up one day - when I hadn't talked to him in about 10 years, and offered to buy my piano sight unseen (at least unseen for a long time) - for a church he was involved in. Then he said "I had one of those (Yamaha C7) years ago, and sold it. My wife has never forgiven me." So, I told him "no".

If W moves to an apt, I'll have to start paying CS (at least) and possibly temporary alimony. But, I think I can squeeze through the cash-flow tight spot if the house sells within 6 months. Houses move slowly in our neighborhood - but if it's priced right, it will move.

-AD

I had to really dig to find my thread - slipped down a few pages.

As I posted on my other thread, I've decided to move to the other house by June 1. I have a 4-day memorial day weekend to get things kinda set up over there.

W and I were discussing selling the house we currently live in and she suggested that we should clear out as much stuff as possible to facilitate showing it, so that put me in position to start moving before I actually told her that I was definitely moving.

I've taken a couple of vanloads of stuff over there. Tomorrow at lunch a work buddy will help me move a couch (hide-a-bed) which is what I'll use until I get a BR suit moved later.

My bro has grandma's old bedroom furniture (which is supposed to be mine) in his garage. He's going to help me bring that over when he has a day off. It features a small "full" sized bed - all pieces of which will fit in my van. He has asked no questions, and I haven't told him that I'm probably divorcing. I don't want him to hate my wife if we do stay married. I suppose I'll have to tell him something soon.

There are some other items I can get a buddy to help move, but I'll eventually have to rent a truck to move some big stuff.

For awhile, I'll be going to "our" house to do my laundry. This is important. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> When we were separated the first time, W didn't have a washer/dryer and came to my house to do the laundry. She used that as an excuse to come often. I'll need to be there to see DD anyway, so I might as well bring along my laundry. I can't remember who's list the washer/dryer ended up on. I'll check. If it's her list, I might go ahead a buy myself a set soon.

I went shopping for a big riding mower. The used ones I saw were cr*ppy - so I'll probably buy new - although it will eat a good chunk of the cash I need to get through the squeeze until "our" house sells. It's 3 acres and I don't want to have to nurse some half-broken mower for the several hours each week that I will spend on that perpetual chore.

I spoke to my neighbor - actually, he was mowing (on his $6K mower - you get the idea that this is a place that grows grass) - and just drove over to talk to me when he saw me. He was glad I was finally moving back in - sorry that I was leaving my w behind. He offered to help me with some things. It was really nice to be more-or-less instantly greeted by the neighbor - who had to go out of his way to come over to speak to me. I'm sure he's been anxious to get somebody in there - since the place really has been essentially abandoned for more than 2 years.

On the citizenship front, the USCIS (formerly part of INS) web site made their monthly update of the processing dates - showing that they are progressing at calendar pace. That's as good as we can expect.

If Gimble drops in - sorry - but it looks like I've given it up. Actually, there is still a tiny bit of hope, but I'm not clinging to it. If W wants me, she's going to have to fight for me - and I agree with your prediction that this is unlikely.

BTW. She took DD to church today <hoorah!>, but drove past OM's place after church - with DD in the car. Didn't stop. Perhaps his car wasn't there.

I'm at the office - and when I left the house tonight, W asked me to stay home - just seemed to want me to be around the house. She's been looking really lovely lately - was sitting there in front of the computer in her little white shorts. I told her she was lookin' really good to me. She smiled / frowned / looked angry / smiled again - in about 1/2 second - and tried to pull the legs of her shorts down to cover more of her. She usually is angry if I complement her on the way she looks.

<sigh>

going home now.

-AD

Today at lunch my buddy helped me move a sofa over to the other house, so now I've officially got a place to sleep other than the floor over there.

It's a pull-out.

W still doesn't know when I'm moving.

W's probably forgotten that I have Friday off - so I'll just go "to work" Friday morning and spend the day over there getting things straightened up a bit - shop for essentials, mowing (if I have the machine delivered by then) etc.

Am I a CA? Yeah. But, well, it's better this way.

Still no results from the DNA lab. I talked to them by phone yesterday. They had sent it out to another lab since they don't do the y-chromasome test there. I check that email box every hour or so. Maybe today.

-AD

W had an appointment today and consequently asked me to take DD to her music lesson at my lunch time. It would be a long lunch, but I would be able to work late. The music school is near my other house, so after she finished her lesson, I took DD over there and picked up a pizza nearby. DD was in a great mood and was running all over the place. We finally sat down to eat (there are actually chairs there now). I poured a soft-drink for DD (didn't have any milk). She said "that's for mommy". I tried to explain that this was going to be Daddy's house. She ran all over the place and checked out her room - hid in the closets etc. We were very late getting back. W was frantic - having finished her appointment much sooner than I expected. She gets very nervous when she comes home and DD is not there.

All smoothed over now.

On the finance side...

I've got a coupon for the store where I'm buying my mower - that'll save me $200! I'll buy some blinds too on the same purchase.

It felt really good to be over there - and I'm eager to spend my upcoming 4-day weekend just mowing, cleaning up the overgrown "landscaping", hanging blinds, etc.

I'm excited!

-AD

AD I had the dangest time finding your thread. I was looking for AD and you changed yourself to little cat Z, you nut! LOL

I was thinking of your move into your other house this weekend and hope that you are doing okay, emotionally.

I know it is going to be very hard on your WW and DD, so hoping that you can remain strong throughout this.

Happy Memorial Day weekend AD, I am sorry that what you will be going through is not very happy, but still hoping that this will be a catalyst for change for the better.

Well one way or another it will be. And it will be for the better either way.

Thinking of you,
weaver

Hey Weaver,

I'm glad you took the trouble to hunt me down.

I've been busy - spreading some "VOOM" over my house on the hill.

Only, my version is the special slow-acting, high effort <voom>.

Two nights I've slept over there.

The water heater did not work yet.

The AC has been fixed.

The mower has been delivered and I have embarked on the long voyage in the deep sea of grass - many hours of the voyage remain, but the ship is good - and the engine willing.

I pulled the covers off the water heater and found a little button marked "ECO", which I pushed. It clicked. I understand it to mean "Emergency Cut Off". I left the house soon after, so I don't know if it will make any difference, but before I changed out the elements, I thought it worth the wait.

A cold show is a thing of wonder. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Etc. Etc. Lots of work to be done.

Stumbling a bit setting boundaries. W wants to come over and hang out, try out my new mower, look at the kittens my neighbor has etc.

I came by "our" house a little while ago to pick up some stuff.

I eventually, said "Look, I'm leaving you because I want to separate my self from you and your affair. If you want to drop DD off for awhile, I'd appreciate it, but I'd really rather you not come." She asked for a hug. I gave DD a hug and asked her to give that one to Mama - which she did. W said "So, this is the way it's going to be?". I left.

Oi! I've got to run. I'm picking up some furniture I bought and I have to get there before they leave.

Thanks again for checking in.

I'll post some new photos of my progress soon.

My other thread has the link the the albumn.

-AD (The Voom-master <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Thanks to each of you who take the time to read and comment on my thread.

I don't know where to begin. I don't think I can cover all the ground - even the most important parts.

Quick Summary:

I moved out of "the big house" Thursday evening - into "my" house.
My W was shocked by this and begged me to return.
At first, she made a lot of calls that I didn't answer.
She visited several times - said she liked the house (which she previously didn't like) and wanted to join me there.
I undermined the "Plan B effect" by allowing her to visit - even eating two meals with me there - one of which she cooked.
Every time she saw me, she asked for hugs.
It's hard to tell how my daughter is taking this, but she seems to be doing OK. She likes the new place because there is a lot of space to run around it.
There is a lot to be done and money is going to be tight until the "big house" is sold.

Detailed Update

Thursday, I had come to work very early and Thursday afternoon, I left work at 4PM. My new credit-card had arrived in the mail - giving me a few thousands more of credit to work with - but on the way home, the AC compressor in my minivan locked up - almost burning the belt in two before I figured out what was happening and turned off the AC. I think I'm in for a thousand dollar repair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> !!!

Well, just when I think I'm catching up - cutting off little expenses like cable TV - something like that. Well, it would have happened anyway, and the little economies add up over time. Actually, I was wondering if this was a sign - or some signal from God. Hmmm what could it mean? It could mean that I was embarking on the wrong path and was being give a warning - that everything I have can fall down easily - and I should stick to my wife no matter what. On the other hand, it could be a sign that I need to roll down my windows and experience life as it really is - feel the wind, smell the early summer smells - feel the heat, sweat a little. I've decided that if it was a sign, that's what it means. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I ran into a guy at the auto-parts store while pricing out the repair. He came out and listened to my car - said he thought I needed the compressor and the AC clutch, that I should check for an old recall notice - and that I should to to a particular web site (not his store!) to order the parts - take them in hand to the mechanic - and save some $$$. What a nice fellow! I'll do just that.


I'm not good at telling things in sequence - but Thursday evening, when I arrived home, W was not there. I took the new credit card which had arrived in the mail (want to get it secured before W got any ideas about it) called them and arranged for a balance transfer from my other card (zero percent for one year on balance transfers!) - then went to Lowes and bought my mower (on the old card, which will be transfered to the new card). If you have any curiousity about this credit dance, check out www.debtsmart.com. I also bought blinds for the house - and used a 10 percent off everything coupon that I bought on ebay to save $250. I went by the auto-parts store to price out the repair parts.

When I got home again, W was there. She wanted to take DD to an "international" dance performce - sounded really good. I was the one who told her about it, but I was not invited. I could have gone too - would have been good to do that with DD.

Just before they left, DD started whining about getting something on her hands (that was hard to get off). I was helping her. W was upstairs, but as usual, at the first sound of a whine, she came nearer and started calling DD's name. I stuck my head out into the foyer so she could hear me upstairs and said "It's OK, I have everything completely under control." I was trying to preempt a pattern - where DD whines, and W responds with increasing irritation until she is shouting at DD to stop whining. It hadn't happened yet, but I was trying to preempt it. No chance. W got really bent out of shape - said I was accusing her of being a bad mom - that I was trying to control her. She was very angry - shouting at me, crying etc. In short a big ugly scene - in the midst of which DD was still trying to wash the waxy-oily stuff off her hands.

W said that I spoiled the evening - that they were going to have a nice outing - and I even could have come - but I spoiled everything by implying she was a bad mom - etc. etc. with tears and more. I just said "If you want to go, you can go. If DD misses the concert, it will be because of you, not me." So, W asked me for money for the tickets - which I gave - and they left.

Yuck!

But, I had my chance - so I gathered my clothes and essentials, loaded the car and left too. We only have one cell phone - which W normally carries - because she used to have an unreliable car (the old one I'm now driving while awaiting my van repair). There is no phone service at "my" house. So, W was looking for me all evening after the concert - to appologise etc. Her usual appologies are of the form "I'm sorry I created the big ugly scene, but..." As soon as the "but" gets in there, it's no longer an appology.

Well, I came back to the house at almost midnight - with the sole focused mission of snagging the cell phone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I even came through the front door instead of the garage - for better surprise effect. But, W was still up - and she was clueless! I had forgoten how unobservant she is. She didn't notice they things that I took with me. Her purse was on the table in the foyer, and I headed straight for it (on my mission). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> W was right there. I asked "is the cell phone in here. "Yes, I'll give it to you. You don't have to search my purse". She gave it, still clueless. Into my pocket it slipped. I walked into the kitchen, unplugged the charger and it also went in to my (now bulging) pockets. W was appologising - seeming to take no notice the cell phone thing. She said she called my office several times. She asked where I was. When I told her I was at "my" house - she seemed surprised. I walked around the kitchen gathering a few things. W asked "why are you looking in the cabinets?" I replied "I'm looking for that other wok". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Imagine her confusion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> We don't wear shoes in the house, but I had my shoes on. She asked "Why are you walking around the kitchen with your shoes on?" Anser "Because I'm not staying." Well, I never found the wok. But I made it out with the most important item. W begged me to stay. I left anyway.

OK, enough of this gory detail stuff.

Friday, I had the AC repair, and the mower delivery. I mowed a bunch - late into the night with lights on. My brother helped me move some furniture from his garage - etc. etc.

I asked W to drive her old car over to my house the next time she came (since she was coming anyway) - which she did. I drove her home afterwards so now I have a spare set of wheels - with it's own problems, but servicable. It may be a few days before my parts come in.

OK, you guy ask about any details you want.

The important thing is that I was moving forward. W was begging me to stop - reverse direction. She wanted to move there with me. I told her "I'm separating from you. I don't want you to come over and hang around." But still, she did - and I lost a lot of the shock effect by allowing her to do so.

I've got to work on that.

Meanwhile, I'm at the office.

I've got to order car parts, and internet service, and check all my accounts and stuff that I usually check every day on-line.

At the house, my total communication and entertainment equipment is a cell phone and a clock-radio. I miss the internet.

Oh, and I have hot water now - had to rewire the water heater a bit.

Life goes on.

#1 goal: Make the message clear "I'm moving foward without you." Make my wife feel what it will be like to divorce. To do that, I've got to force overnight visitation with my child to happen - and soon. That's going to be very hard! W fears it very very much and will only agree to do it to avoid something she fears more.

#2 goal: Get on top of my job. When I'm at work, work hard.

#3 goal: Get the house and grounds in shape.

And meanwhile, keep juggling the finances until I get some relief.

If you have read this far, you are my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-AD

I forgot to mention that W took DD to church Sunday morning. DD really enjoyed it - went to "children's church" - but wants to go to "big church" with Mama next time. It is so strange. I wanted desparately for us to be in church together - for our entire marriage. I finally gave up. I stopped going my self most of the time - tired of people asking "where is your wife and little girl". Now, she starts going regularly. I'm glad for DD, but I'm sad that I'm missing out on something that would have meant so much to me. When W and I were dating, we went to church together - and it meant a lot to me just to sit beside her in the pew. I would love for our family to be together in church, and right now, W would not object to me joining them - but I'm afraid that pretty soon, she would stop going - because she doesn't want to be seen as a couple - or because of whatever.

If W is taking DD to church, it is a good thing, and I don't want to mess it up by joining them.

I've got to find my own church.

-AD

There's nothing to these long posts if you have a nice hot cup of Earl Grey tea and a chocolate biscotti! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hiya AD!

I had trouble finding you too and....is he staying or going? Staying or going? We stop looking for you since you are on a "time out" and then you come back.You have us all confused me thinks.lol

Anyway,just thought I would say hello and ask: are you going into a Plan B now or what? I read everything and am still unsure what the "plan" is.

Care to elaborate some more? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

O

Good Morning O'girl!

Hmmm. I didn't know you were still reading my thread. Thanks for commenting.

Is that a plain chocolate biscotti? - or hazelnut? (yum) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Good choice on the tea. I like the Earl, myself.

Did you save some for me?

O'girl asked : "Are you staying or going?"

Do you mean...
On MB? OR
In my marriage?

As for MB, I'm addicted. I asked one of the moderators to block my work machine's IP address - to help me deal with the addiction. She didn't do it, so I'm still here. I really really need to focus on my work. ... but I'm still here...

In my marriage, what is the plan?

Well, I think it is Plan D - unless W "breaks" and begs for terms of surrender.

The trouble is, she has pledged NC in the past, but went right back to her regular visits to OM's place - and calling him etc. I don't trust her and will not believe any pledge of NC again. She would have to do something radical - something that would leave OM hopeless - and leave me with some confidence that she was committed to me and to our marriage. I don't know what that would be. It needs to be something that would put her on the hook, so to speak, probably without putting me on the hook.

I don't expect her to do that. But, in the mean time, it's kinda like Plan B - except I'm messing up big-time by letting my wife come over to my place and visit.

A brief comment on my screen name.

If anybody has a suggestion, just post it!

I think this change - separating from my wife - whether it's plan B or whatever, deserveds a new name.

My old name, AD, was short for AbandonedDad. I abandoned the name "AbandonedDad", when I figured out that I didn't want to think of myself as abandoned, etc. I just changed it to AD (way back then), because it was convenient and people could remember who I was.

I briefly experimented with "Little_Cat_Z" - because I like the idea of the little guy with the "VOOM" under his hat. Powerful fellow.

But I always get a feeling of empowerment when I repeat the phrase "I am an engineer". See, I'm smiling now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> What it means to me, is that I am a guy who knows how to solve problems. For now, I think I'll be "AD_the_Engineer".

Is plain old "Engineer" taken? hmmm.

Have you any Suggestions folks?

-AD, the Engineer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (still smiling)

Update,

W has been begging for money - to pay for classes she wants to take this summer - and for daycare while she goes to class. I suggested that she take it out of her IRA - which she has, out of desparation, decided to do.

Thinking about the new situation, I realize that I was shopping for most groceries since I cut my W off of my bank account - and giving her $100 now and then. Now that I'm out of the house, I needed a new plan. So, I told her I would be paying the same child support (CS) that I will be paying after the D. Right now, I won't pay temporary allimony, because I'm still paying all the bills on the house where she lives.

I left a check for her this morning for June.

-AD

Whatever boats your float, ADtE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Hey 2Long,

Did you go to the star party?

I'll go check your thread now.

-ADtE

Mornin' AD,

It's nice to hear from you.Sorry to say that last night's tea went cold so this morning,it's organic English Breakfast tea.With a Lemon scone.I ran out of my homemade chocolate chip muffins.

Anyway,I am sorry to hear things still aren't so great with your WW.I can understand how not having NC is just eroding any sense of ever trusting her again.I went through 2 major false recoveries and then several other "mini" ones that just sent me over the edge.It's probably the worst aspect of Recovery I think for anyone: how do you ever know if they are being honest? My WH used to tell me I would never know if there was contact,there are just too many ways to be in contact with an OP.He was right of course and I subsequently found out he was still in contact and that's when I said,that's it,we're done.I wondered why,at the time,he was so adamant about it,almost like he was so sure of himself and it was because he was actively still deceiving me.YUK.I am glad to be done with that.

As for staying or going,I primarily meant here but your M too.I could definitely be here for hours and hours.Just like this online game I play too(Americas Army) but I am keenly aware of how much time can be soaked up in either place so I do balance my day and try to stick to how much time I allow.I could easily blow 4-5 hours playing my game and not even look at the clock.It's scary!

I'm sure you already know,you need to have a plan in place to get through all this.If you are not in an active Plan B now you probably should be.Now that you have your own home this would be an opportune time to cut off her supply of you and make her really feel what it is to be without you.No more guest appearances either.Don't enable her.But.that's JMHO.You know the drill.

Well,I'll be keeping tabs on you like I do many other's.Stay strong!

Cya 'round the board <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

Thanks for your comments O'girl.

I know I have to stop letting her come over and hang around.

As far as possible, I need to put her in the same configuration as she would be post divorce - so that she can see what it feels like.

The most critical part of that is forcing overnight visit with my child to begin ASAP. This will be extremely hard for my w to take - but it is neccesary now to avoid a breech in my relationship with my daughter. And is it an essential part of having W experience life as it would be post-D.

Telling her that the money I'm giving her is "Child Support" is, in my opinion, pretty clever of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm not giving her grocery money, but CS. And, I told her to make sure she doesn't spend it on something else, because I'm not giving her any more until July 1st.

She wants money for her classes. I told her "Your class is something you want. Lots of people want lots of things - but you can only have what you can afford. No matter how laudable the thing is, if you can't afford it, you can't have it." She's going to take the money out of her IRA - which will probably have tax consequences for "us" - which means me. But at least she gets to feel the pain of seeing that balance go down - and know that she won't have that money for a downpayment on a house that she dreams of in a couple of years.

-AD

Stopping to say HI! AdE. Keep AD, or something like it. I was a little slow on figuring out who Little Cat Z was! JMO.

And it is JMO too, that O girl is right about the Plan B. But what do I know? I am messing up all over hte place in my M and plan, or lack of.

By the way, I did read that "far", so now I AM YOUR FRIEND.

jls