StillLoving (and other well-intentioned ladies)

Hmmm. I'm not sure how to put this, since I really appreciate the good folks who take the time to think about my situation and post, but...

No offense intended, but ...
er... I didn't become a Dad just yesterday.

We have all the stuff that you mentioned - and lots more.
I just don't have it at my house. I'm sure WW would have no objection to me collecting a trunkload from "our" house and taking it to "my" house - since it would reduce the clutter over there.

I shouldn't perhaps object to your posts, but how do I say this?

I've been a dad for 4.5 years!

It really hurts my feelings to be treated like some wild ignorant guy who just stumbled into the role of parenting. I very much like being a Dad - and I have changed diapers etc. etc. etc. OK!?

Sorry, I don't mean to run you ladies off, and I suppose you meant well, but it really hurts to be treated as if, just because I'm a man, I'm incompentent as a parent - especially the parent of a daughter. It's bad enough that the legal system is biased against me. Does everybody else have to be too?!

I can neither gestate nor lactate, but all the rest I can handle.

Sorry. Really. Maybe I shouldn't have written that.

But, it's the way I feel.

-AD

I guess you accidentally pressed the red button.

Yikes! Okay, okay, apologies! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I was using my sitch as a reference and I shouldn't have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Again, I'm sorry.

My DH is a fantastic father but his engineering job is so stressful that he isn't always able to process and understand what a 5yo girl needs. I'm a SAHM so I thought I could share what I've garnered from my experience in 10+ years and three kiddos. I vividly remember wishing someone would've handed me more implicit instructions with my first preschooler. I apologize, I wasn't trying to imply in any way that you weren't fully capable.

You obviously are.

All blessings,

slh

SLH,

OK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure you have plenty of helpful hints.

I'm a guy who always went home after work - didn't work all night or weekend. I didn't have any friends, nor hobbies, nor vices. I was THERE as much as I could be.

I'm sure some guys are different.

My wife is very nervous and irritable. I think DD feels more safe with me. I don't go off on her about every little thing. I don't critisize every thing she does. I don't coach her on what to say. I let DD breathe a little.

She really didn't want to go home this morning - but she didn't fight it too very much either.

-AD

SLH,

I hope I didn't run you completely off.

Several years ago - before I was married, I used to keep the 2&3 year-olds at the church on Sunday nights.

There was one pair of twin boys that used to come. One night, one of them was a little cranky - probably had an ear infection, then he caught a glimpse of his mom walking by the door in the hallway - and he went off on a separation-anxiety-induced crying spell. While was holding him, consoling him, a completely unrelated lady was walking by the door, and deciding that I was an idiot or something, barged in and took him from my arms to console him.

I was thinking "Hey, this is my job - and I've been doing it for two years - and I know this boy. Who are you?"

But I just said "thanks".

Some ladies are just like that, I guess.

Oh, and while I was in that role, there was one little girl who's Mom told me that I was the only nursery worker who could keep her daughter calm and happy - that if I wasn't there, she just kept the girl with her.

If I get back established in a church, I think I'll volunteer again for that, but these days, with all the legal frights, I would refuse to do it alone.

One of the things I learned about myself when I started doing that, years ago, is that crying or whining children don't bother me. I can listen to them for hours - not that I like it, but to me, it's just a mild irritant. My W goes nuts when DD whines. Having W around a whining child is just like putting oil on the fire.

-AD

It's okay AD. I'm still here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My H is like that with kids, too, little girls especially. Children are drawn to him. . . there is something about him that makes them feel comfortable and safe and loved. Every darn one.

And as a result, all of my daughters have happy and fulfilling relationships with other males, too, all that they come in contact with -- their grandfathers, uncles, teachers. . .even the little boys next door. . . and yes, :: grin :: even the male nursery workers at church. Those guys are the first ones my younger DDs run to when I drop them off -- NOT the ladies.

What does that say about my parenting, LOL? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My soul aches with happiness when I think about the long-term effects of his "gifts" to our DDs. . .because by being a good father to them, a wonderful, true friend, he is also setting the stage for the kind of relationship they will seek in a husband of their own.

You are doing the same, and that must be applauded.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

slh

SLH,

Glad I didn't run you off.

... and I'm always glad to learn how to be a better parent, just feeling a bit defensive about it right now.

-AD

Don't worry about it. I'll hang around as long as you'll have me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Besides, we have all encountered those aloof, impatient know-it-alls who inadvertenedly make us feel incapable and foolish in the very things that we are most gifted and practiced at. They drive me nuts, and I know that I shouldn't let them, but I can't help it. I know where you are coming from.

Don't let them get you down, AD. You're one of the good guys.


slh

I didn't really expect you to remember my story from way back. I plan to start my own thread soon. I've been reading a lot of postings and it just keeps getting too late at night (I have a big problem with insomnia and stay awake way too late -- I try to sleep and my mind just keeps going over and over this whole mess and I can't get to sleep).

I have no experience with DNA testing.

Roberts female friend with the nice voice might not be a grandmother. When I was about 14, some guy called our house, I picked up the phone, it was a wrong number, but the guy thought I sounded nice and asked me for a date, which I was smart enough to decline.

I'm glad that your overnight with your daughter went well.

ewon

AD,

I can understand your "defensiveness" dealing with us women here who seem to be posting most to you as of late but it's just a case of sharing experiences of what we do at home with our own kids.I don't think anyone accused you of being inept as a Dad.That wasn't what the info was about and perhaps you misinterpreted it all.I for one do the same with other women.We always swap ideas.

It's suggestion,that which we give to anyone who is going through a change even if they already know what to do instinctually or habitually.Parent or spouse.Male,female.

We are trying to support you,not the opposite. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

O'Girl said:
I for one do the same with other women. We always swap ideas.

O'Girl, I've read many of your posts and really appreciate your witicisms and perspective. Any time you want to toss ideas (toy or otherwise) at me, I'd appreciate it! Lately, with the loooooong summer days here I need all the help I can get. Chess & Tae Kwon Do just aren't cutting it right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And you should brag. Your kids sound happy, well-adjusted, and wonderful!

Wish we lived nearer; sounds like our kids might enjoy eachother a lot.


StillLovingHim

Ladies,

No problem. Let's just forget about it, alright. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But first, I'll grouse a little more, if you don't mind.

I just feel that everything is stacked against me.

If I wrote that my Mom came to visit, would you have started telling me what I should do for her? I don't think so, unless I asked for advice on that. You probably would assume that I know my Mom and have a relationship with her such that I would know what she needs. (BTW, my Mom has departed this earth. It was just an example.)

Or, let us assume that a woman wrote that her daughter came to visit. Would have given unsolicited advice to her!? I don't think so.

But... when my child comes to visit, all of a sudden you are full of advice.

Seriously, examine your inner thoughts. You did too think that a man alone really wasn't able to take care of a little girl. Now, be honest ladies! Didn't you, in your heart of hearts, think that?!

I don't blame you really. I'm not angry with you. Just hurt and dissapointed.

Now, we can forget about it.

(careful now! don't push the red d*mned button!)

-AD

Oh, and an update.

W called this morning to say she was taking DD to the doctor. I agreed etc.

She called again this afternoon to say, in short "antibiotics", which we all know are often mis-prescribed for viral stuff, but it makes Moms feel better, so the docs do it anyway.

I said, "we probably still have the antibiotics in the fridge taht she didn't take last time (3-4 months ago)." W said she threw it out, and so she bought new. Whatever.

Then, W started talking about the apartments she looked at yesterday. I thought she knew where she wanted to live. She already took the money from DD's account to pre-pay for 6 months. What's all this looking at other apartments!? W said she really liked one place, but the manager wanted me to co-sign the lease. I said "no". And again "no", and again "no" - and W still wouldn't quit. She asked "don't you care where your daughter lives?" I said "I trust you to make a reasonable choice." "But I like this place", she said. "If you can't afford it, you can't live there", I replied. "I'll pay the rent. They just want you to co-sign", she says. "If I co-sign, then I am legally responsible and if you don't pay it will go on my credit report - and they can sue me. So 'no'". She kept on and on. So eventually I said "I really don't want to hang up on you, but I'm through talking about this. You asked. I said "no". That's it." And I hung up - and haven't answered since.

Am I learning?

-AD

I am only speaking for myself of course and as I mentioned,when I threw out ideas for your DD's room,it was based on the previous post where you talked about her room being rather bare.

Things are stacked against you as they are for most of us here.The situation could easily be reversed had I had sons.The realization that this change is going on for you and other's is what brings out the caring instincts.If your Mom came to visit I would not TELL you what to do but rather suggest.Like recipes to make or places to see,helpful ideas if she were ill.It just so happens that this is a place where Infidelity occurs making many of us single parents all of a sudden and who couldn't use some support,advice or suggestion? Isn't that what we all do? You're interpreting the suggestions with a discriminating twist and it just was not there.It never crossed my mind that you didn't know how to take care of your DD but it was more about you being a single Dad in a sense.As I am a single Mom now.

Your very presence here is going to solicit advice unless you now plan to start ruling who can and cannot post to you and what people can say.Or,if you only want to receive advice about Infidelity then you need to let everyone know so we won't offend you.You must know after all this time that most of us will post to any aspect YOU bring up on your own: kids,jobs,In-Laws,legal matters,frustrations,etc,etc.

If I had the gumption I would cut and paste posts that I have made to many other's with suggestions and ideas regarding childcare and other issues.But I trust we are not seeing eye to eye on this matter and it's late so I will now stop posting to you.

Good luck to you AD.

O

AD you crack me up...but I think you handled it well...*hugs* your doin great dad...I fear for your daughter when she hits puberty and starts to like boys...she will never leave the house will she?

OctoberGirl,

Hey, I really didn't want to offend you - or drive you away.

When you first posted your suggestions I started to answer them in a more appreciative way, but then I thought "I'm her dad. I know what she likes!"

So, I reacted to what I felt. Aren't we all supposed to learn to do that - especially us techinal guys?

I really would feel lonely here on my little thread if you good ladies didn't bother to come here.

I accept that you do the same for the ladies and I withdraw my objection. If I've unfairly maligned you, I appologize.

I'm just here - waiting for next thursday when I get to have my daughter again. and I'm going to have her for next weekend too - so I take her home on Friday morning and get her back on Friday evening. Doesn't make sense to do it that way. I suggested to WW that we do it on Tuesday night - since I get next weekend, but WW has Fridays off and didn't want me to drop DD at preschool on a day when WW has to go to classes.

I should be sleeping.

UPDATE,

I went to a laundrymat tonight. Whoo hoo?
The first time ever in my life - except in hotels. It wasn't so bad, but I've got to get myself some laundry machines soon.

I can't remember who suggested it - maybe it was Ogirl. Thanks for the suggestion. I avoided the interaction with WW over the laundry. Now, she doesn't have an excuse to come by here tomorrow.

But, and you guys can whack me if you wanna - I would very much like to catch a glipse of my daughter in her "church dress" - and if they should happen by, I would happy to see them.

Plan B with children STINKS!

Funny (or what passes for funny in my life just at the moment) little (and I do mean little) thing transpired. This has absolutely nothing to do with marriage, but with my novistry WRT laundrimats. I went to wal-mart to buy a box of detergent. I was the guy who always bought it anyway - in case somebody thinks this is a novel outing for me. But, it was the only thing I bought - and I asked the cashier (no, they still have not forced us all through the self-checkout) for a roll of quarters. He seemed to know immediately my purpose - but he wouldn't give me any - saying he only had one roll. He didn't give me any hope of asking at the office either.

So, not knowing if the laundry could change a 20 (which I discovered was a rediculous concern), I went to the post office and stuck my 20 in a stamp machine, bought 1 37cent stamp. The machine gave 19 one dollar coins, two quarters (precious things) and some junk coins (and a stamp of course). Then, I fed the $1 coins into the machine one by one and bought one stamp with each - forcing the machine to give me 2 precious quarters, some junk coins and another stamp for each one dollar coin. When I though I had enough quarters, I stopped - pocketed my "payout" and waddled on down to the laundry.

Turns out they have a machine there that changes 20's. Oh, but I had my little sport at the P.O. at least. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I arrived at 7:45 and the sign on the door said "Last wash 7:45. Last dry 8pm". There was an attendant, who saw me look at the sign, and said "It's ok, just get 'em in the machine." I did - and started to read a 6-month-old "Scientific American" - remembering why I cancelled my subscription, laid it aside and just watched (discretly) the other customers.

Some fine Saturday night, huh.

-AD

A funny thing happened this evening.

W and I had been exchanging blowups on the phone during the evening and I had hung up on her after one particularly nasty one. So, W called and for some reason I talked to her. In the convo, (after telling me how wrong I was in the previous convo) she said that one of her Russian lady friends had called and wanted to come over and see her - but she told them DD is sick and she was putting DD to bed (it was 9pm) and it wasn't a good time.

I can't remember the rest of the convo - it was just one of those things she threw out that I file away without comment.

So, almost an hour later, I was sitting on the front porch painting my mailbox. (Ok, a new mailbox cost $40 at least and a can of black spray paint is only $3) Somebody started driving up the driveway. It's a long driveway, and dark. The headlights were shining in my eyes and I couldn't see who it was, but assumed it was WW - gotten lonely or something.

Then, the doors opened and 3 ladies and a little girl (about 3 y.o) got out - at 9:45. It was WW's troup of Russian lady friends. It was somebody's child's birthday and they were upset with WW for not showing up. They asked if she were there. I said "no, she's at our other house". They said "But she didn't answer the door". I told them she was putting DD to bed and probably didn't hear the bell. So, they pulled a sneaky on me and said "the child is thirsty". So, I had to invite them in. So here I am with 3 ladies in my house! (and a cute little girl too).

The phone rang again. It was WW. I said immediatly, "<name-of-little-girl> is here". That's all I had to say, for WW to know that, of course, the little girl's Mom was here too - and her Mom's sidekick and heaven knows who else. WW hung up.

I gave the promised juice. The snoops looked around, asked nosy questions etc. The phone rang again. I said. "Oh, I'm sure that's WW. If you want to talk to her, just answer it." So, <the-one-lady-we-like-the-least> answered the phone - and WW hung up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Am I mean or what!??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The ladies left, loaded with fresh gossip, probably keying up all three cell phones as they drove away - to spread whatever scoops they collected.

I went back to the front porch to paint the mailbox.

The phone rang again (of course). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WW was livid!

She went on and on and on and on...
(did I say she went on?)

Now, WW knows nothing happened here, but she felt betrayed that I asked one of the ladies to answer the phone, because it put her in an awkward position.

The <lady-we-like-the-least> is the perpetual sidekick of <the-lady-we-like-the-most> (and I agree with WW completly on which of this crowd to like and dislike). So, it's really really hard for WW to get a chance to visit with <the-lady-we-like-the-most> alone. But that has little to do with this story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WW asked what they did here, what did I tell them, etc. I answered briefly, and commented that <the-lady-we-like-the-most> was showing off her muscles. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Well, she was! The <lady-we-like-the-least> pointed them out to me, saying "look at her arms!", squeezing one them. The <lady-we-like-the-most> didn't mind (she never minds what her sidekick does) and said she had been digging in her garden all spring. What a strange bunch! Meanwhile, the lady who's child had the birthday today, was silent, probably because these two crazies took her out all night and drove her around to places she didn't want to go and all she really wanted to do was go home. (BTW, her H (father of the birthday child) is divorcing her - and she talks for hours with my WW who is advising her.)

Oh yes, the child having the birthday was not with them. I don't know where he was - probably with his grandma in bed by that time.

Like I said, WW was livid - and I eventually hung up on her (after 20 minutes of her telling me repeatedly how much she disliked what I did and every angle on it). The phone rang again and again. I finally felt sorry for her. Nobody likes to be ignored. I answered.

After WW got through suggesting (sarcasticly) that I should have an A with each one in turn (making special note that one of them is getting D'ed), she calmed down and we rehashed the 3 ladies in a fairly calm way. It was a pretty reasonable convo by then. WW even said she was lonely. I was reassuring her that really, I'm not interested in any of them. I'm sure WW has forgotten now that I once said that "I never met a Russian woman that I liked".

Anyway, W was jealous!

Imagine that!

I can sleep tonight, maybe.

And I did applogise for having them answer my phone and putting WW in a bad spot.

If I have a second W, I hope she's not Russian.

Enough!

To bed!

-AD

The sun is shining here today - after 3 days of cloudy/rainy!
That always makes things a little better.

Great news!

I just checked my immigration forum and found out that the Atlanta district office of the USCIS (was INS), now has SAME DAY OATH for citizenship.

What this means is that if my lovely wife finishes her citizenship interview before 2pm, she will become a USC the same day!

In the past, people have often waited months after being approved to actually have the ceremony which makes them citizens.

So, I can't help it now. I've got to go with her to the interview. It's something I've wanted for her for a long time.

I'll be there, wearing red-white-and-blue - with DD, similarly dressed, sitting on my shoulders waving a little flag. Yes I will! I'll probably cry too, but I'm a man and I can take it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mid-July is coming soon!

What we will do upon arriving home is another question.

Filing for D the next day is one option - in which case, I can be D'ed by mid-August.

-AD

Hi AD:

I have not been one of your "faithful readers". Sorry to say. I have felt that I couldn't possibly catch up on your story.

I just want you to know, though, that I did notice your name change.

Is there a reason why you are now just AD vs. AD the Engineer?