and I still do not see reconciliation. I read in this site it typically takes about three weeks after finding out about the affair to start considering working on the M, albeit, it will still be a rollercoaster.

In my last note, I said I have no desire to do so and that's where I am still.

While not going into details, I believe the affair has stopped. She wants to stay in the marriage, but again, I do not trust her reasons why. (I still think it's security, not wanting to be embarrassed with our kids and friends, having to move out, etc.)

She is going to look for another place to live in our former town next week at my insistence. (She's also going to Florida with some of our friends while I stay here. Funny thing is that one of the friends is our minister with which she won't discuss the situation. She doesn't even want me to.) The time to discuss with the kids and families is coming soon.

I have never felt so bad for so long and ready to get on with things.

Just a quick question -- For those BS's that did reconcile, how long after D-Day did you get the first inkling that you wanted to?

TNX

My Story: My Story

Moved, I am sorry for your pain. What is your WW doing to show you that she is in NC? Was a letter sent? You both are in MC? Only you can answer if you want to save your M. If you do then you may need to suck up your hurt feelings for a while and get down to the real business of improving yourself and your M. Have you identified how you contributed to the state of your M? Not saying you are the reason your WW had an A, that is solely her choice, but both partners have culpability in the M. Have you read Surviving An Affair or Torn Assunder?

Moved,

I know you want answers now, but unfortunately nothing can be guaranteed at this stage. If you read Surviving an Affair you know that in the case described in the book it took many months for there to be a definite answer to the situation.

I can only tell you my experience. When I found out about Wh's A, my M had been in trouble for a couple of years. I thought it was MLC (it may be) and was just giving him space in the hopes that he would eventually come around. BUT I didn't think of giving up when I found out about the A. Most people don't after the first few hours or days. That has been discussed on this board. Three weeks is the approximate time it takes to get over the strong emotions you feel on d day. To continue or not continue in the marriage should not be an emotional decision.

Somewhere on this website I read Dr. Harleys reasons for committing to the marriage and I remember being very impressed and agreeing with them but I can't find them. I have been looking for those reasons for a while now and was going to start a thread to get some help. What I do remember is that divorce is never a "good" solution, because your W/H will always be in your life if you have children. And unless you really find out what went wrong with your marriage you are likely to make the same mistakes in futur relationships.

Anyway, I would never have believed I would go thru so much pain and here I am, 5 months past d day, 3months in plan B and the people here in MB keep hope alive for me.

the days seem eternal, but time does go by and although I only cry every 5 days now instead of every day, I am still in very much pain, which I take as a sign that I am not ready to give up. I have read that you should think of divorce when you are indifferent to your WS and that is probably the best time.

I've tried to read many stories here to convince myself that things can work out after months and how long it takes. There are many situations where the As goon for months after d day and then there is a great recovery. Mimi is one of those cases and if you read her thread you will see how days and days go by without any solution but finally the day came when her WH decided to come back and she is now recovered and happier than she has ever been. You can find the thread at the beginning of mine if you want to read it.

It takes time. I'm trying to convince myself as much as I'm trying to convince you. In my case the A is still active.

I think I've rambled but I hope something is of use to you.

Keep posting. There are many wise people here.

Thanks for the comments and questions. I certainly feel for both of you. All the best getting through your situations.

I have followed phone bills, and she has told me -- not that I trust her -- that they have had NC. Without going into details, I've done a few other things that help confirm NC.

I did not do a letter. The day after D-day, she spoke with him on the phone (he's lives ~500 miles away) and broke it off. Knowing what I know now from this site, I would have insisted on listening or insisted on a NC letter, but I did not.

I have been trying to "work on myself" through reading a lot primarily about affairs and faith.

We had an interesting conversation last night. Several times over the last few weeks she asked me if I believe she loves me. I told her no and that kind of took her back. Telling another man for 5 months that she loves him either meant to me that she did not love me or she had a foreign view of love.

As for the problems in our marriage, I can't say that we had serious issues. It wasn't perfect, but nowhere near what we think would lead to an affair. If you have ever moved, (this is our fourth) it does put stress on you finding new friends, doctors, auto mechanics, etc. But, we have done it before. Becoming empty nesters at the same time didn't help.

MA

I am a FWW like your wife and I thought it would help for you to understand some of the feelings that someone who is remorseful goes through.
I posted tonight a post called remorse, regret & thoughts trying to explain how I feel and felt.
The greatest thing a FWW - who is remorseful and wants their M - has is fear. They fear loosing thir H, their M the M they had worked on for years and broke so quickly.
ONLY you can decide what you want MA, but I urge you to not decide quickly.
There are no defences for an affair, I won't pretend there are. BUT have you enough love left to forigve, beyond your justified anger?
You obviously cannot do it by yourself, your W has to commit to this as well, with no contact as a starting point.
Please consider your options, its not over unless one of you want it to be MA.
Your doubts are real MA, of course they are, Why should you trust anything she says. Well you shouldn't. TRUST HER ACTIONS. Judge by that.
Hope you can work this out.

Why are you insisting on this?

Susan

It's at my insistence because I do not see us reconciling. Functioning with her here in our house is next to impossible for me. I've been trying to get our taxes done for the last several weeks and cannot concentrate. When she has left town, I do better.

This weekend was especially tough. When she is here, all I can think about is the affair. She did leave this morning for vacation and to look for a new place. When I came home this afternoon, I was actually relieved not to have her here. I know what I've got to do to finish our taxes and feel confident now that I can get them done.

MA