It's been a while since I've posted and I'm in need of some advice/education.

To recap I found out about the affair on Jan 14th. My WW told me we were over and she was going to be with the OM. She quickly moved out into her own apartment. He happened to be married with 3 kids of his own. We have a 6 year old son. I had the typical reaction of doing everything I could to stop it. I let everyone know and did do a couple of LB's in the process. Now that I look back I realized the stupid mistakes I made. But for the last month I have pulled it together and haven't made any major mistakes.

Now to where we are now. It's only been 2 1/2 months and I know I don't have the most patience in the world but I think things are starting to improve a little. The WW hasn't run off yet and the OM keeps shooting himself in the foot. He keeps trying to reconcile with his own BW but keeps flip flopping. He continues to have sex with his own wife and then comes back to my WW. The OW is a little weak minded in my opinion. Seems like I'm the only one in a dry spell these days.

What I have done is take steps to improve myself. Correct what lead up to the affair and do small things to improve myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’ve got rid of the LB’s and I’m going out and having fun with friends. It took a little bit to get control of my emotions.

Well, looks like my WW is starting to see the light and has broken it off for now. For how long I’m not sure. She called me up the other night and trash talked him. I just sat there and listened. In my head I was laughing. WW told me about how the OM told her that he had a fantasy about his own BS with another man. Then he went home and had sex with his wife. WW didn't like that one at all. Haha. I guess I should just sit back like I have been lately and let him shoot himself in the foot.

Other things that I have noticed is my WW jealousy or so I believe. When I go to my brothers place an hour away she would ask if he was going to hook me up with one of his girlfriends. He happens to be the player in the family. She asked this of me on numerous occasions. I recently signed up at Bally's fitness a month ago. This seemed to really grab her attention. She wanted to know every detail about what I was doing there. One night she just asked me if I was going there to pick up on other woman. Of course I said no. Whenever she hears about me going out she pries for details about any other woman there.

At first I tried Plan A but WW wasn’t receptive to it. Probably because she was intent on leaving with OM. So on to Plan B I went. The problem I had was we had to have some contact because of our son and we did not have a go between. I was also emotional and stupid in the beginning and wasn’t successful in keeping with the plan. However, in the last 4-5 weeks I have pulled it together. The only thing now is she seems to be reaching out to me and continues to call me. I guess I should not answer the phone when she calls but it is hard not to. She called last Wednesday and balled her eyes out. She expressed how messed up the OM is and how she did a horrible thing to me but that she still needed time to think. She also said how she didn’t know about coming back to the marriage and that she was confused and needed to sort out her feelings. I’ve never seen anyone with more guilt and sadness in my whole life. It’s hard not to want to reach out to her but I am holding back still.

I guess my questions are as follows:
Is it wrong to answer the phone when she calls even if she has broken it off with the other man?

Does anyone know anything about this 180 reversal thing I’ve heard about? I once read an article about another woman who used it and was successful. However, the way it was used was a little puzzling. She basically created an imaginary boyfriend and led her WH into believing she was dating. This in turn got the WH jealous and he came running back. If this is a successful technique then would my situation call for it considering her current signs of jealousy? Also, is this the 180 reversal?

Is it typical for a WW to say that they can’t remember the good times or the feelings they had for you over 12 years of marriage? I found this quite shocking because it seemed to me that we had a strong marriage up to last year. We also had great times together with the pics to prove it. Is this something to expect?

Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks

Actually, Bobby, you're basically doing a pretty good Plan A. If you can keep this up for a while, then I wouldn't change anything for a few weeks. However, it's going to take a certain amount of strength on your part. Here's what I mean.

Since she's calling you regularly, she wants to know that you're still there for her. The answer is yes -- but let's not make it easy on her. Don't answer the phone EVERY time. Be out with friends sometimes. Always safe friends, but be having a good time. Make clear to her that you're rebuilding a good life for yourself and that she's welcome back into it. But....

The thing with OM just has to end before she can come over to chat, and before you're interested in going on a date with her. Though, of course, you'd love to.

And you'd just love to spend an afternoon or evening helping her with whatever she'd like your help on, and the thing with OM is just so weird for you that it's just got to end before you can manage it.

She may say that she's ended things with OM, in which case you say, "Great! Let's meet for coffee and write a letter to him and his wife making clear that you never want to see him again and that you're reconciling with me. When we're done with it, we'll mail it together. Oh, and pack a bag -- I've got a little surprise for you."

And then take her on a 3 week vacation to a place without cell phones or Internet connections.

And -that- would be a very nice ending to this story.

Because that would be using the Force, Bobby. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Bobby, I never had to Plan B so the wise ones on MB can help you out with that. I don't believe in playing games, so I would nix the fake GF idea. I can comment on rewriting history. Yes, it is very common. My H of 19 yrs, and 26 yrs. together, rewrote our whole history together. we basically sucked I'm sure. In fact, I think in his mind we never had sex and conceived our 2 boys through immaculate conception. The man convinced himself that he wasn't attracted to me, and before the OW we never had a problem in that dept. In fact, after the truth was revealed, he actually was quite surptised that he not only was attracted to me, but felt passion.

You seem to be doing a great job. Yes, in certain ways there is nothing quite so humorous as a fogged out WS. I would let her feel the full impact of the decisions she has made for herself. If you want your M you can tell her you do. However, only when the OM is gone for good and she is willing to commit to recovering your M with you. In the meantime you live your life with your son, and she can have fun in her little apartment. Good luck and may The Force be with you! CV

I too would ax the fake GF idea. Better that you show your wife that even though she is confused about the meaning of marriage, you are not. Be the lighthouse, young padewa learner.

dewt

I would keep up with the Plan A you appear to be doing. Or rather it appears you are doing a 180.

Keep on cuting out the LB's, and fulfilling her EN's (What are they?)

What I WOULDN'T do is listen to her talk of the OM, no matter how satisfying it is...don't let her know it is OK to talk about him TO YOU as if he is your BF. There will be time to talk later when he is history, like a deposed coup. Talk to her about going NC with OM. Tell her it hurts to have her spend time with him, and it hurts to have her talk about him.

It is VERY common for hte WS to be jealous of hte one they left behind. I think it has something to do with the untrustworthy being untrusting, or thinking everyone else can possibly do wha they are doing.

No need to make it seem like you have a GF. You are moving on with your life, which will eventually (in the case of D only) mean another woman in your life.

Plan A is tough...be the best you can be...while letting them know you are working on yourself.

You can talk about getting back together, and what it would take...you can show her the path back (NC with OM EVER!, moving back in with an emphasis on BOTH EN fulfillment, MC?, etc.) But ultimately the choice is up to her, and she may choose to fence sit. BUT, give Plan A a REAL chance, and do it for as long as you can...how about 6 months?

Then after time, if things haven't changed, and you find you are losing your love, THEN switch to Plan B. Plan B is not a manipulation to get her to see her evil ways...it is for YOU to preserve the love you have...this is very important, because people move to Plan B too soon sometimes thinking it will be the TRICK to get their WS back...it's not...it's to allow the BS peace, and the A time...on it's own...without any help of EN fulfillment from BS.

Plan A your heart out!!! It appears to be helping your M! And these changes you are making, will be good for the long haul...if not for WS, or FWS, then someone else...