I too am a new member of MB. I still haven't quite figured out how to work this board. But when I read your story, I couldn't belive how similar our stories are. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. Last June I found out that he too was having an affair with a woman at work. My husband and I were in MC B4 I found out about his affair. Lies, lies, lies. He at first was willing to go....now, won't even consider it. Apparently he was born with the gift of figuring everything out on his own. Please let me know if there is anything you would like to talk about. Again, things in here seem to be very similar...but our stories....sadly the same.

Keep strong

Laura

Hi llh:

I am sorry it's taken me so long to get back withyou. My H & I went to Tahoe for the weekend and I've just been trying to figure out this new discussion forum.

As for my H & I, he has written his NC letter and "seems" to want to work things out. He doesn't come right out & say it though. My H is 39 and was married once before. His ex wife cheated on him. I met him shortly after. He never got counseling in regards to his prior marriage and has always suffered a deep depression. I see so much of his father in him.

My H can not communicate his feelings b/c he doesn't have that ability. He can't put things into words. We dated from winter 0f 1997 and married Sept.2002 Our entire relationship has been me trying to get him to open up. The only time he did open up is when he moved to Mass. & then back to Calif after he realized he wanted to be with me. He showed me his true colors then and I honestly thought that's how it would be from that point on but shortly after we married he went back to being his silent self.

That's when my H started text messaging his office helper to meet inthe park after work for hugs/kisses & wine.

He did write his NC letter last night, but it is week and needs editing. He is goingto tell his boss about the A this week and has agreed to have no contact with the OW. He is now having his cell bill mailed to the house. I got the 1st one last week. There were over 150 text messages & phone calls to OW in a months time. Very hurtful.

As time goes on I see how poorly he has treated me. He never answers any of my questions & constantly avoids any confrontation. I feel like I am going in circles with him. It's difficult to get his undivided attention. He tends to ignore me when I talk with him. I do practice the frieds of good conversation. My H has told me that he knows I apprecioate him, and that I've never been one to lose my temper with him. He just can't handle questions.

HGe is on anti-depress. which help him a little. He wants to know "Why would I ever stray from you? Something is really wrong with me!". He wants quick answers from the doctors but gets fustrated when they can't tell him "WHY" after 3-4 visits.

Right now I'm playing it day by day. I am tired of fighting for a good relationship with him. If he doesn't WANT to make changes then I need to leave.

I gave him the info about MB conf. in S.F in May. He's "thinking" about it. Another friend recommended this site to me and gave me the books / cds from when he went to the conf. My H & I have listened to a few CD's together. Not much conversations from him afterward. I have listened to almost all of it.

Thanks for lisytening & any advice you have will be greatly appreciated!

HUGS!
TLC

TLC - I don't know if you've abandoned your previous thead or not, but there is another message to you on that thread.

But let's turn to your current post for a minute;



The "WHY" is a simple question to answer. But having given him the answer he has to CHOOSE. It really IS that simple.

TLC, I am going to assume, unless you tell me differently, that your husband claims to be a Christian. THEREFORE, the answer to his question, and the answer to how you both recover from this infidelity and build a marriage that "sings" is quite clear and quite simple.

The "why" is that your husband DOESN'T trust God.

So your husband is right, there IS something wrong with him. It is called SIN. We all have that "disease" and we all struggle with it our entire lives, especially if we don't surrender our lives, our wants, our desires, to God. The KEY is to keep God on the "throne" in our lives. If we move Him aside and sit down on that throne ourselves, we are ASKING for trouble, "You cannot serve TWO masters, you will love the one and hate the other. There CAN BE only ONE "lord of your life." If it is YOU, then you will "allow" yourself to do whatever you want and whatever makes you "feel good" for the moment. After all, you have no one "higher" than yourself to be accountable to, right?

TLC, God bought us with the death of Jesus Christ. HE who knew no sin, took on ALL the sins of everyone and sacrificed himself to pay the awful penalty for sin IN OUR PLACE. WE are HIS, we are no longer our own. That is the position that we place ourselves in when we ACCEPT His gift of forgiveness of sins through what Jesus Christ did for us.

So the "why" your husband says he is searching for is as close as the Bible you may have laying around in your house. "If you LOVE me, OBEY my commands." This is a COMMAND of God to believers. It is NOT open to discussion or to "occasional" application or nonapplication.

But Satan is right there to tempt us, to reiterate what he told Eve, "God didn't REALLY mean what He said, did He?"

TLC, your husband is struggling with the same problem we all struggle with....we are still encased in a "sinful, sin-natured body" as long as we are alive. We "fight the fight." We "choose DAILY to follow Christ." The life of believers IS a life of suffering because we will be under attack simply for BEING a Christian. Remember, Satan is the "god" of this world and Satan HATES anything to do with surrendering individual will to God's will. Satan enthrones himself on the throne and wants God and everyone else to be "beneath him."

Put on the full armor of God, so that you may stand.

TLC, the answer for your husband lies in total surrender of his life to Christ. He can then start putting on the "armor of God" and learning what it means to surrender his will to God and to "stand ready to give a reason for why he believes."

I strongly recommend that you both see a counselor trained in Nouthetic Counseling. See him/her jointly, as a couple.

God bless.

llh.

My wife was born with the same gift as your husband. Don't give up. They are not as smart as they think they are. More likely they're afraid of learning the truth. Make sure your MC is committed to Marriage and willing to establish boundaries of proper behavior. I've been to a few counselors who just listen, nod, and ask you how it makes you feel.

An affair is NOT OK. Your husband is OUT OF LINE. You both need to figure out how to make each other happy. I am not the perfect husband to my WW. But that doesn't mean I can't be.

Keep very strong. Don't take any garbage.

SIS