I have read Surviving an Affair, and I have read
everything I can find on the MB site. Still, nothing
I do seems to have any effect on WH's A or fog. He
moved out on Jan. 25. He has spoken all the usual fog alien-speak.

I exposed the A to my parents, his parents, and the
OW's husband. I've attempted a Plan A, but it's hard
to do because WH moved out on D-day and rarely
contacts me. I am afraid to contact him. I don't
want to call when OW is there (they do not live
together). Two times when I did call (his cell phone)
he did not answer or call back. He has seen (but
maybe not noticed) the changes that I've made in
myself and the house and I tried to make our home very
welcoming.

WH is surrounded by A enablers. His buddies at work
introduced him to OW and fully support his choices.
His parents want to be "supportive" by being totally
nonjudgmental, even though they call me, crying, and
tell me that they are not in agreement with what he is
doing. They have even had dinner with him and OW! My
BILs and SILs have also had dinner with her, but
apparently were not overly kind to her, but are being
"supportive" like my MIL and FIL. OW's husband did
not seem surprised or upset when I called him. He
said that this is not the first time OW has done this,
but that they are not divorced or in the process of
divorcing (I don't know if WH knows this or not).

My Plan A seems to have succeeded in making WH think that the kids and I are "fine" and have adjusted to him being gone (that's what he told the MC we saw for one visit),
even though I have told him otherwise. Now he only
calls about once a week. He just says a sentence or
two to me, then talks to the kids for a minute or two.
He has not seen the kids for a week. I took the kids
to his brother's house for Easter, by invitation of my
in-laws (big family gathering). I even asked him if
he would be okay with me being there. He said I
should do whatever I wanted. He did not even
acknowledge me at Easter. He said hello to the two
SILs I was standing with, but pointedly ignored me and
avoided me the whole time. He only said hello to the
kids, spent no time playing with or talking to them.

We did meet with my lawyer the Tuesday before Easter
to discuss a temporary custody/visitation plan. He
told the lawyer that he definitely wants a divorce
(but he's waiting for me to do the filing). He was
very upset that I wanted the kids to have no contact
with OW for 90 days (the most days I could get,
according to the lawyer). He said, "What if I want to
take my kids and [OW] to Disneyland for the weekend?
I want them to spend time with the person I love and
plan to spend my life with." The lawyer also brought
up child support. WH was surprised that it would be
so much and asked how he was supposed to pay his
expenses (WH is paid 3x what I am). He is putting no
money in our joint account.

I'm sure the meeting with the lawyer was a huge LB,
but WH is such an alien and has been so irresponsible
and flaky that I feel I have to protect our children.

I have only spoken to him once since Easter, those two
sentences when he finally called to talk to the kids a
few days ago. In the mail today I got a change of
address packet that he asked the P.O. for March 30
(don't know why it came here). It seems to me that he
has totally moved on his mind.

Edited to add: He called last night and wants to come over Sun. morning. Why does he want to come here to see the kids, instead of taking them to his place? I don't get any of this.

What should I do now? I have filled out the papers to
file for a divorce (WH does not know), but I told WH
and the lawyer at our meeting that a divorce is not
what I want, which is the truth. The divorce papers
will be ready to serve next week, unless I stop them.

I've thought of going to Plan B, but I don't know what
difference it would make, since we don't really have much
contact now. If I sent a Plan B letter, WH and OW
would probably have a good laugh over it.

I'm sure this post is long and confusing, but if
anyone could offer me suggestions or your impression
of what is going on with WH, I'd be so grateful!!!

I know this is hard, but I hope it helps to know that he is following the script. It's only been a little over a month, way too soon to see any major changes. Don't expect ANYTHING from him. They all want a D, don't see anything wrong with OW meeting the children, want everyone to accept this. If you do not want a D, then DO NOT FILE. Keep up with Plan A, take care of yourself and the children (keep them away from OW). I am assuming before all this, he was a good father and husband? If so, then the real him is still in there, just buried beneath the addiction of the A. You were smart to see the lawyer, you need to protect yourself and the children. Make him see the consequences of his actions. 6 Weeks post d-day, my FWH was still horrible to be around (and I was pregnant with his child at the time!), but we are now 4 months into recovery and doing better then pre-A in many ways. This takes time but WH's usually come back.

What are you doing for yourself? Are you taking any classes, working out, seeing friends?

Nothing is working for me either. At least your WS is talking to your children. Mine thinks he has a great relationship but hasn't attended anything or shown any attention to them. He asks me for updates about them when they are sitting right beside them. I keep a log of when he calls. I print out every email.

I am not going to be the one who files for a divorce. He is the one who started all the pain, he can make the decision to file. I'm not doing it for him. I'm also giving it time. Fortunately, my WH is supporting us with $ in our joint account. He seems to feel, that despite what the Beatles said, that you can buy love.

Thank you, kloe and grapegirl, for your replies. It does seem like he is following the script. Everyone who talks to him says he seems absolutely sure of what he wants to do and that it seems like he has completely moved on.

He was an excellent, loving, devoted father and husband before his A began. He had been a bit distant the last few months before he left, but I thought it was stress at work and midlife crisis so I gave him space and tried to stroke his ego.

I think I will call the lawyer on Monday and tell her to hold off on serving the divorce papers.

WH's A seems to have been going on for at least a year. He won't tell me anything about it or her. Everything I know I've had to find out by snooping, internet spying, and from my inlaws calling me and offering info.

I know that I shouldn't focus on the OW and that if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else, but...

She is the exact opposite of me! My MIL and two SILs have called me and filled me in on her description. Now I know for sure that affairs are about ENs and the WS's inner turmoil, not looks or other things. OW is much less attractive than I am (according to reports, I haven't seen her), 6 years older than I am, 50 pounds heavier, much less educated, less sociable, married and cheating, and doesn't spend much time with her child. Don't midlife crisis affairs usually involve a younger, hotter woman? Does he want a mommy figure? Why am I trying to make sense out of what doesn't make sense??

When WH first left, I asked him what he thought I had done wrong to make him feel like having an A. He said (these are his words, not mine), "You have a great body, you are a great mother and a wonderful, kind person. That's just not enough for me any more." According to his family, he has not given them a single reason why I was horrible enough to leave. According to one SIL, he is letting the OW take on the role of homewrecker and himself the role of selfish jerk. They are all surprised that he is not saying mean things about me to them and saying great things about her. I guess he saves all the mean things to say to me.

As for what I am doing for myself during this time, I have spent time with friends, cleared out the clutter in my house, and done a lot of reading. I am still trying to find more things to do.

Home exercising is my hobby, so I work out almost every day. Having my exercise equipment lying around did bother WH, so I have cleared out a lot of space in the master bedroom and put my equipment in there. He did notice that I changed that.

Thanks for the replies, and all other replies are more than welcome and appreciated.

Edited to add: WH is here right now to see the kids. I mentioned that I had put my paycheck in the joint account to cover the mortgage and that I had about $50 left to last me and the kids until I get paid again on the 15th. He said, "Oh, I didn't mean for you to do that. I'll give you a check." He immediately went out to his truck and wrote me quite a large check. This is new.

I wish I could figure out what is going on!!!!!!

Pebbles, here is the thing. This affair is likely not going to last. This woman is not going to leave her H. Once she gets tired of your H, she will move on. With your H surrounded by enablers, it is almost impossible to shock him out of his fantasy world with exposure. That means this affair is going to have to run its course. And I agree that Plan B is not in order right now. Maybe in the future after some consistent and meaningful contact, but not now.

In the meantime, I would quickly get a legal financial settlement in place to protect you and the kids. That is the only thing that is likely to shock him awake.

How is your behavior towards him when you do talk to him? Is your behavior attractive?

Thank you, Melody Lane, for your reply.

I have been trying very hard to keep all conversation
between us calm, pleasant and civil, with no R talk
and no mention of the OW. WH got a pizza for us for
lunch. We all sat around the table and talked and
laughed like a "real family." I catered to him as
much as I could.

Today he wanted to talk about the temp.
custody/visitation plans (in front of the kids!), so I
asked him to sit out in the back yard with me to talk.
We had a very civil conversation. After we had
finished discussing that topic, I almost got up and
went back into the house. He started talking again
about various subjects. We ended up talking and
laughing together for quite some time.

The only rough spot was when he told me I shouldn't be
"harrassing" the OW's husband. Apparently someone(?)
had mentioned it to him (hee, hee). I told him, very calmly, that I had spoken to him once, for less than 5
minutes, and I felt that I needed to protect my family
and that I needed to find out what kind of people I
was dealing with. He said the only one I was dealing
with was him. I tried to do reverse babble and just
said, "Only you. Hmmm..." I felt like telling him,
"I'm sorry that the truth is inconvenient for you."

He then told me his family (my MIL and FIL, etc.) was
complaining that I was harrassing them and that they
thought I needed professional help. His family has
been calling me, with one or two exceptions, so I
tried reverse babble again: "Harrassing. Hmmm..." I
will, however, be much more careful when speaking to
his family, just in case. I will also wait until they
call me, if they do. I wonder if I am talking to them too much...or is this just more alien speak??

We also talked about financial support. He said he
would be agreeable to setting up a legal plan, but not
at nearly the level my lawyer said the kids and I
should get. He told me that if I expected that
amount, he would be forced to make us sell the house.
I reverse babbled again, "Hmmm..."

I hope I'm handling this the right way. It is so hard
to know.

**Sorry the layout of my posts looks so strange - I'm having to cut and paste from another program, since I keep getting logged out. I also have to use my son's computer. My computer won't let me post. Aaaagh!***

Hi, Pebbles.

quote:
================================
When WH first left, I asked him what he thought I had done wrong to make him feel like having an A. He said (these are his words, not mine), "You have a great body, you are a great mother and a wonderful, kind person. That's just not enough for me any more." According to his family, he has not given them a single reason why I was horrible enough to leave. According to one SIL, he is letting the OW take on the role of homewrecker and himself the role of selfish jerk. They are all surprised that he is not saying mean things about me to them and saying great things about her. I guess he saves all the mean things to say to me.
================================

The only thing you did 'wrong', Pebbles, is that you missed meeting some of his important emotional needs. He found himself in a situation where someone else did meet those needs. He shared intimate thoughts with this woman at some point, she decided to meet his expressed need, and the affair was on. The affair has very little to do with how she looks or acts, and everything to do with how your husband 'feels'. He is feeding his brain with the stuff that makes him feel good. She is the drug of choice. The mean things he says to you are done so that he can feel better about doing things that he KNOWS are wrong. Like any addict, he is feeding his habit.

Hopefully, what both of you can eventually learn from this ordeal is the importance of emotional needs in a relationship. In the mean time, fix your issues, do a great Plan A, then move on to Plan B if or when the time is right.

Like MelodyLane said, the affair isn't likely to last.

Most importantly, it was his choice to have an affair. You didn't point a gun at his head and force him to get involved with another woman. I personally think that is a coward's way to address issues in a marriage (male or female), but it happens very often.

Oh, and lest I forget, be careful of joint lawyers. It is arguably better to have your own counsel, not shared with your husband.

I wish you all the best,
Gimble

Pebbles, I would continue to contact the OWH if you think he can be helpful to you in breaking up this affair. If not, there is really no reason to contact him. However, the accusation of "harrassing" is FOGTALK designed to shut you up. Don't let that get in your way and please don't apologize for contacting any of those people. The WS is not supposed to like exposure, that is the point.

I concur with Gimble about your counsel. You need to make sure your family is taken care of regardless of whether or not your H likes the amount. Please push forward and aggressively pursue your legal interests. It will help your financial situation and will likely help your marriage in that it would be a much needed wake up call to your fogged out H.

Thanks, Gimble and MelodyLane.

The lawyer we have been dealing with is actually my lawyer. She is definitely on my side, but is trying to work with us (for some things) together so we can have temporary legal agreements in place quickly. She always gets my approval before sending anything to him and will not meet with him without me being present. WH says he cannot afford a lawyer of his own and was a bit upset that he will need to pay a portion of my legal fees (hee, hee). It was at her (my lawyer's) suggestion that WH and I come to a temp. custody/vistation agreement before he is served with divorce papers, to prevent retaliation in anger (even though he vehemently says he wants the divorce as soon as possible).

As far as me apologizing to WH for exposing the affair to his family and the OW's husband - no way that's going to happen! If he is so happy and proud of what he has done, then he shouldn't mind if everyone knows about it, should he?

I'm sure he is trying to bait me into an argument with his fog talk. An argument would help him justify what he has done and make him feel better. I'm not falling for it any more. I use reverse babble and stay calm. Another example: the other day he came over to fix the fence in the back yard. I brought him some ice water and he said, "You know, I don't have to spend my whole day here fixing this fence." I replied, "But here you are," and smiled at him.

It seems to make him uncomfortable when I thank him, too. When I thanked him for the check today, he just mumbled under his breath and wouldn't look me in the eye. He did the same thing when I thanked him for bringing lunch. He seems to have a hard time looking me in the eye overall.

I'm wondering if some of his family is giving him grief for being a jerk to me at Easter (pointedly ignoring me, etc.) and during this whole situation. Maybe one of them said something to him and he is afraid that I will keep talking to whoever it was. I will still be careful of what I say to the in-laws, though, just in case.

Sometimes it almost seems like he wants me to contact him. When I suggested we talk about the custody issue, he said, "Why don't you call me tonight? I'll be home all night." He also repeatedly tells me that I should call him "if I need anything" and offers to come by the house to do things. Of course, he is probably just assauging his guilt. What do I know?

Thanks again for all the wonderful advice and compassion. I am so glad I found this place! I appreciate all the help and insight I can get.

Edited to add: Do you think I should call him and ask for things (help in the yard, whatever)? My pride gets in the way sometimes (I know, pride is one of the deadly sins). I don't want to appear needy. WH's father says that helping me probably makes WH "feel better." Is that what I should be doing? Or would it be better to be strong and handle things by myself? What a sad, sorry wreck I am...

Hi, Pebbles.

Quote:
===================================
Edited to add: Do you think I should call him and ask for things (help in the yard, whatever)? My pride gets in the way sometimes (I know, pride is one of the deadly sins). I don't want to appear needy. WH's father says that helping me probably makes WH "feel better." Is that what I should be doing? Or would it be better to be strong and handle things by myself? What a sad, sorry wreck I am...
===================================

If you are in Plan A, then you are going to meet whatever of his emotional needs that you can. If that means that you ask for his help and swallow your pride, then that is what you do. You don't have to be needy to ask for help. The wrong kind of needy is born of desperation. Needing someone's help is not a shameful or needy behavior.

From his actions, I would guess that one of his needs is admiration.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Emotional Needs questionnaire? I will let you in on a little known truth. The very emotional need that you find hardest to meet, will likely be the one at the top of his list. His top emotional need is likely the one that the other woman jumped up to meet, and the affair followed.

Quote:
===================================
It seems to make him uncomfortable when I thank him, too. When I thanked him for the check today, he just mumbled under his breath and wouldn't look me in the eye. He did the same thing when I thanked him for bringing lunch. He seems to have a hard time looking me in the eye overall.
===================================

I take it that you haven't thanked him for his contributions to the family, or acknowledged his efforts in the past very much. Have a look at this
link and see if it fits your husband. You can read about the other emotional needs here.

Quote:
===================================
Sometimes it almost seems like he wants me to contact him. When I suggested we talk about the custody issue, he said, "Why don't you call me tonight? I'll be home all night." He also repeatedly tells me that I should call him "if I need anything" and offers to come by the house to do things. Of course, he is probably just assauging his guilt. What do I know?
===================================

I can usually see guilt talking 20 miles away, but again, this sounds more like a need of his that you can meet. If you can meet his needs, then you can compete with the other woman. This is all very hard to do, but Plan A is about negotiating an end to the affair.

If I knew more about your situation, my suggestions might be different, but for now, I see a hole in his facade, one that you can potentially use to win him back. If it is just guilt, then now is also the time to get a settlement that benefits you and the kids (I know that sounds harsh, sorry).

I think it might be a good time for you to let him know how much you appreciate him and want him home.

"Husband, I just wanted to call and tell you how much I appreciate your working on the fence. In fact, I want you to know how much I appreciate your hard work and the way you have provided for our family all these years. I also want you to know, that I realize I have contributed to the state of our marriage before the affair. I am ready and willing to address any issue with our marriage, no matter what it is, just as soon as you break it off with the other woman. Can you help me with the yard on Tuesday?"

All the best,
Gimble

You know, Gimble, you may be on to something.

I know that being appreciated and admired are two of WH's most important ENs. I had gone back to working out of the house full time almost two years ago, after working from home for a few years. I know between the stress of work, taking care of the kids, and everthing else, I did take him for granted. I told him this after he left.

I have always tried to let him know I appreciate and admire him, but apparently I wasn't doing it right.

Among his other EN's that I wasn't fully meeting is the need to be taken care of. With all the work stress, I hadn't been putting as much effort into taking care of the house, making dinner, etc. I also told him that I realized I was not doing well enough in this area. I have been working on bettering myself in taking care of the house. I hope he has noticed.

I do have a problem asking people for help. I was raised to be self-sufficient and independent. I will work on letting him know I need him.

I noticed that when I called him after I got a flat tire, he dropped everything to come help me. He has also spent several evenings working on my car. I did thank him and let him know how much I appreciated his help.

What other things do you think I can ask him to do to make him feel needed and appreciated?

Thank you for the insight!

Hi, Pebbles.

MelodyLane mentioned that you should seek a good settlement. I agree. Holding up the divorce is fine, but a settlement agreement is not a bad idea, especially with kids. The fact is, you don't know for sure what he will end up doing. Protecting your kids is job one. Don't let him off the hook on this one, make sure that the kids are covered, even with threats of selling the house.

Now, back to the needs 'hole' that other woman is missing. I don't want to suggest that you go overboard, and playing it too hard might not work, but if you think you can achieve the right balance, then it is time to be 'damsel in distress'.

The more he is involved with you and the kids, the more he is away from the other woman. The more he is away from her, the more grabby and needy (the desperate kind) she becomes and the more love busters she throws at him. The first time he hears "you are spending too much time with your wife", you can bet that the bizarre attributes of that statement will stick in his head.

Be careful not to over do it, but if the opportunity arises, then.....

Do be sure to feed his emotional needs. Make sure that he gets the admiration, and that your home is spotless every time he is there.

If he has invited you to call him, then do it. Make a couple of calls every evening. Let the kids talk to him and when you speak to him, be pleasant and bubbly.

If relationship talk comes up, then have a default response ready. Here is the one I like; "Husband, I realize that I have contributed to the condition of our marriage before the affair. I am ready and able to address any issues you have with me and the marriage just as soon as you break it off with other woman."

You may also get some mileage out of this tactic: Whenever you speak of the other woman, don't be disrespectful, but don't call her by her first name. Either use her last name, or better yet, call her John's(whatever his name is) wife.

"Husband, I know you are attracted to John's wife, but we can't repair our marriage until you agree to never see her again."

The goal is to negotiate an end to the affair. You are doing that by being the best wife you can be, making personal improvements and addressing issues with yourself that have contributed to marital problems. With him you present a constant 'face' and a consistent message. You are ready and willing to do whatever it takes to fix your marriage, just as soon as he agrees to never see the other woman again.

In essence, he needs to see constancy from you regarding your marriage. Constancy is defined by Webster as "steadfastness of mind under duress"

Please keep us posted.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble, I think I will play, subtly I hope, a bit of the damsel in distress. That is a difficult role for me, I despise feeling weak and feeling like people feel sorry for me (not that you could tell by my posts here, LOL). Since it is so difficult for me, it is probably what I need to be doing. I did wonder, when WH spent three evenings in a row at my house working on my car, if OW was upset with him for being away from her. I am having hard time thinking of other things to ask for help with, though, and I want to be careful not to overdo it. Thank you for your advice!

WH swears he does not live with OW, that she has "morals" and they will not move in together until they are both divorced. WH does not seem to figure in the fact that OW and her husband have not yet started divorce proceedings. I almost wish they did live together, then they would have to face the reality of day-to-day living and not the fantasy and fun of dating.

I called the laywer this morning and asked her to hold off on serving the divorce papers. All of you are right, I should not feel forced to file for something I do not want. I am going to make an appointment to set up some sort of financial agreement, though, as soon as possible.

Right now I am feeling unworthy and depressed. I think about all the times I felt tired and lazy after working all day and taking care of the kids. WH must have felt neglected and unappreciated. It kills me to think how unhappy he must have been, without me even knowing! I felt neglected sometimes, too, but I would have never had an affair. Hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes I think, "Why on earth would he ever want to come back?" But I also think of all the really happy, good years we had. Some of those good times happened even after the A must have begun. It breaks my heart that he is only thinking of the bad times now. Just two years ago he told me that he was so happy that we had such a strong marriage. Where did things go so wrong??

What also scares me is that one of his three brothers left his family for another woman. The brother ended up marrying her. They have been married for 12 years now, full of affairs, yelling, and threats of leaving each other. What if my WH is using this brother as a role model? He always spoke about this brother with contempt, but now is doing just what he did. You'd think he'd see that they are unhappy, but he probably thinks OW is the perfect woman and they'll live happily ever after.

Somebody tell me everything will work out and that he will notice and care that I am trying to make myself a better wife (I know you can't - just whining here). I have loved this man (the man he was, anyway) for so long. I know down deep inside the good man must still be there, trapped under the foggy alien. I see traces of him from time to time. It just kills me inside to imagine the future without him.

Anymore advice, anyone?? Obviously I can use all the help I can get. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am also in Plan A and have heard the same from my WW. She wants a divorce, but not to tell anyone. No one needs to know. She told DS8 it will be just like before, it's just a piece of paper. OK.

Go rent Rear Window with Grace Kelly. Plan A is her. I watched Cary Grant in His Girl Friday over the weekend. Plan A is him too.

Half my inlaws are enabling. The other half are incredulous or ticked off. WW is upset I told "everyone". Sorry. she did it, not I.

Hang in there. Even if you're doing it right, he may not respond. But then again, he might <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pebbles
you said
I have been trying very hard to keep all conversation
between us calm, pleasant and civil, with no R talk
and no mention of the OW. WH got a pizza for us for
lunch. We all sat around the table and talked and
laughed like a "real family." I catered to him as
much as I could.

This isn't 'plan A'. This is enabling IMO. He believes his actions haven't hurt you. That affairs are just like on the telly, without pain and bad consequences.

A plan A 'lighthouse' guides the way home DESPITE acknowledging his affair, not in denial of it.

"You hurt me, and STILL hurt me and your kids very much with your behaviour, but right now I choose to invest in our marriage for as long as I possibly can. If you stop your affair, I am prepared to invest heavily in trying to rebuild our marriage. I want to work out what we BOTH did that led us to this place so we can learn from it. But that can only start if you stop your affair. Until then I will get on with my life as I am able."

Plan A means removing ANY bull justification he may have in his mind for his affair from your behaviour. Be lovable, capable, desireable, but strong.

I can't understand OWH being so accepting. Thats a new one on me....

By the way, you wonderd why your H might start an affair with someone evidently much less of a package than YOu are. Well, my Squid did that too. I found this except from a GREAT article by Frank Pittman that helps give insight.I hope it helps:


All blessings.

I love that article by Pittman Bob.

If you can get your hands on a copy of the book "Private Lies" by Pittman, it has some really good insight in it.

You are doing so well Pebbles, I love reading your thread because you sound so level headed. It's amazing how you sound, although I know inside you probably are in quite a state.

You are getting excellent advice here.

Hang on, you are doing great!

Sleepless, my WH said this too! He told the kids, "You may be living in two places, but everything will be pretty much the same." How could even a foggy alien think life for the kids will ever be the same?? My WH also told the kids (when he finally had the courage to talk to them a week after he left) that he had found a woman he loved more than their mother and that he would probably end up marrying her. What a lovely thing to tell a 9-year-old and a 13-year-old who are having their world torn apart.

Thanks for the movie suggestions. I'll put them on my list for this weekend. It's the first weekend the kids will be staying at WH's apartment, so I'll have lots of spare time (sob).

Bob, I have been reading all of your threads and I am very grateful for your input. You are truly a master of Plan A. I could just kick myself if I have been enabling the A!! I am trying to let him know that the kids and I are hurting. Maybe sometimes I am trying to avoid LBs so much that I am not making it clear that I am *not* okay with his A.

The last paragraph about "You hurt me, and still..." is something I truly want to use. Of course, he will tell me that I am wasting my time as he feels there is no marriage left worth working on.

OWH told me that they had been living together on and off for the last few years and their son lives with him. OWH owns a fairly lucrative construction company, so maybe they have some sort of arrangement where he provides for her and she lives there from time to time (this is my own conjecture - he didn't say this). Somehow my WH found out about my call, so maybe OWH mentioned it to her? Funny though, at first when I called I got the answering machine. The outgoing message says: "You have reached the home of [OWH] and [OW]." I wonder what that means?

Wow, that article makes a lot of sense. It seems to apply precisely to our situation! Out of the blue (it seemed), the MC asked WH how long he had been depressed. WH seemed surprised, then said he was only depressed when he was around me - because he felt guilty and unhappy with me. I had thought WH had seemed somewhat depressed the last few months - I thought due to MLC and work stress. Hmmm...makes me think. Like the article says about men, my WH is more than willing to give up everything, a wife and children who love him, his house, the dogs, etc., for his "wonderful" romance.

Thanks, Bob. I would truly appreciate any more insight and suggestions you might have.

Can you tell I figured out how to use the "quote" function? LOL. Is it possible to quote more than one person at a time?

Thanks, weaver, though I must say that I feel anything but level on the inside. To be honest, I've lost about 15 pounds since this began. Food makes me feel sick because my stomach is filled with turmoil. I am also having trouble sleeping, but I've always been an insomniac. Despite that I've been teaching my class everyday, taking care of my own children, and trying to keep things together - along with trying to improve myself. I teach at a small private school and my 9-year-old daughter is a student in my class. That has been both a blessing and a struggle during this whole situation.

Many times I wake up in the morning and think "I'll just survive until 10:00." Then, having survived that long, I'll tell myself "I can make it until 3:00." And so forth. Day by day I can survive just a little bit longer.

Agreed! The support and information here are invaluable.

Oh, I just remembered something. A lot of BSs here have said they got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. I got "I don't love you, I don't hate you, I don't feel anything for you." Nice, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />