How does a remorseful cheating wife feel? How do you tell your H what you have done?
I was asked this not long ago by a new MB member.
For me well I remember the look in his eyes...the pain, the knowledge that his formerly proper and faithful wife had been cheating with another man...the hurt I had caused him by that adultery… I will never forget that look.
It would have been kinder to shoot him was the thought that passed through my racing mind ...I felt as low as I ever had in my life. Then, his reaction was not what I would ever have expected too. I could tell he was trying so hard to hold in his temper, but his statements about the OM and I were so...calm. So...at times he almost sounded like he was just curious about a co-worker and the day we had at work instead of a husband asking about a cheating wife's lover.
The hours went by slowly and the longer I was around my husband, the worse I began to feel. I saw that whatever else I had done, my cheating had probably destroyed my marriage and my husband's love for me.
When he wanted me to tell him all the details, I was at first shocked, then after realizing why he wanted the details, I was afraid.
Wouldn’t do it for days and days, fear of the consequences froze me in the essential move of facing myself
How do you tell a husband of so many years, how do you tell your one true love, what you did with another man?
How do you tell a loving husband why you allowed yourself to have multiple sessions of sex with another? How could I have done what I did and not have died of that guilt I had the first time? All those questions, then when he questioned my faithfulness before...from our dating days to the time the affair really started. All those years.
How was I supposed to ensure that I was an honest person after having lied, cheated, and gone outside our marriage like I had?
There are no GOOD ways to tell a partner - husband or wife - you have cheated.
There are no GOOD ways to tell them what, where and how you cheated.
You only have to tell the truth no matter how bad. Harder than it sounds.

I wanted to die. I seriously contemplated suicide when my husband said he felt like walking out that door that first night.
Cry. I had never cried as much in my life as I did those first four weeks as we were slowly dying as a couple. I just knew that we were finished as man and wife then. The handwriting was on the wall. Old friends stopped coming by to see me; I was persona-non-grata at family events in my own mind. At work I was hopeless - I had to take long service leave.
How? How did I get there?
I could give a million excuses but that’s all they are … excuses. Sure we issues in our Marriage, you tell one that hasn’t. Mom & Dad’s M has issues even now, they just learned how to live & deal with them. Where did I miss out that?
Most of all is the absolute absence of any deal breaking issues in our M. None, Nil, NOTHING.

So why?
Well I’m working on that with IC & MC. A mix of work issues, our child’s death and fear are the starting points.

Well after I was tested several times for STD's - not romantic is it? Even using condoms I wasn’t going to risk my husband health. It was one thing I could do.
We slowly struggled into a difficult but more normal relationship. SF was a mix of joy and pain, it was like two steps forward one step back.
We were very carefully feeling each other out, both pretty well sick at heart, going to MC & IC. Slow and brittle was our progress but getting better.
After some weeks a new deployment came up for him and it intensified our relationship.
I fell pregnant which was a bit of a shock at the time and certainly was for him when he got back.

How do I feel?
I felt and at times still do feel dirty cheap and mostly worthless. What I did was unforgivable but my Husband is forgiving me anyway.
It is easier to seek forgiveness than actually forgive yourself. That sounds so confusing but it is how I feel.
Of course he feels anger and hurt and pain. He does not trust me and who can blame him for that. It suddenly has not disappeared or dissipated in a few months. It may not for years. WE have to deal with that - I’m not sure how but we must.
Somehow someway I must find a way to forgive myself or I will just hurt my husband again.. It would be throwing his gift of forgiveness back in his face.
I KNOW this I just can’t do it. Not yet.

{{{{aussieswife}}}}}}

You "get it",,you really do.
And I do pray you find forgiveness for youself.

{{{{{{big HUGS}}}}}}}

dear aussiewife...

blessings blessings to you

thank you for putting into your words your husbands pain...

thankyou for sharing so honestly...

your post was painful to read for the pain you expressed is exactly the transcending pain of all people affected by an affair...

as you are blessed to have your husband..
so is he to have you.....

seek Gods true healing Grace to guide you...
seek your worth not only through him but through who you have become...far from who you were during that lost period...

you are correct that you must forgive yourself for you and for your husband....
to stay stuck denies your own husbands ability to believe in you...


what you did was not unforgiveable...
and though I can think of things that are....
your story is not one of them...

this to shall pass....
it will....

ARK^^

Aussie,

I read your post just before you responded to mine. It took a lot of guts to tell your story and thoughts.

I hope you can work on your own forgiveness and recovery. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks.

I wish I could get my WW to read your story... or any of the WS stories on this board. Thanks for sharing.

AW, that was tough to read. Thanks... don't know what else to tell you. I bet sometimes you feel like you've done the impossible. Are doing. The impossible.

GC

Wow. I don't think my wife will ever understand things the way you do, AW.

That may be the most powerful post I've ever read.

All I can say is "wow".

Squiggle

Aussieswife,

I have thought of you often. I have a lot of respect for you. Yes, respect. You made a mistake, like so many of us humans. BUT, you are trying to fix it. You are fixing it! So many of us do not want to admit when we make a mistake, much less fix it. Not just WS, people. Then we want to blame others, we have probably all done that, I know that I have! You are taking the Brave path, not the cowards way out.

I am not excusing what you did, but I am applauding you for what you are doing NOW!!!

Keep working and figuring out why, and how to forgive yourself.

My kids both went thru these phases when they would mess up and think it was awful. Constantly asking me if I ever messed up and how. If I had ever done the same things that they did? Of course, I would tell them, I mess up many times every day!!! It's more what you do after that really counts. Paralyzing fear never helped anyone!!

jls

Thank you for sharing that AW.

No words, just a whole lot of respect for you.

AW, the self forgiveness will come in time I promise. Give yourself a bit of a break and enjoy your pregnancy. You and Aussie are doing very well and you are a brave, strong wife of a hero. Thank you for the courage to post this. Big hugs from a fellow idiot.

thank you AW. you are a very special soul.....

(((((AW))))))

I really do know where you are.
Recounting that must have been really horrible.

I also remember every detail of D day. I'll never forget it. I learnt that day that I am capable of cruelty. I never knew that about myself before then, and I would have been happy living in ignorance of it. Now I feel about 50 years older in some respects, older and sadder but hopefully wiser.

I think forgiving yourself might come when you can see what massive progress you have made as a person, in living with integrity, recogising the damage, working to make up for it, growing, understanding, and being patient and understandign with A2. Living without self-pity and without excuses.
I admire that a lot.

Hey AW - Well, let's try this again... I lost my first attempt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

AW, you are a worthy wife. You have always been worthy. Your worth never changes.

You made some bad choices and you've damaged your marriage, but that doesn't change the fact that you are still worthy of Aussie's love. He loves you, there is no doubt in my mind that he loves you.

Remorsefullnes is a good sign that you've accepted responsibility for your actions and that you are sorry... while painful, it's important that Aussie see your remorse.

Keep loving Aussie and show him by your actions that you are commited to him and to your marriage... As you continue to rebuild your M, these feelings of unworthyness will pass... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You're doing a great job... I'm praying for you and Aussie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

wow, very powerful.

It is obvious that you should forgive yourself, free yourself to take the next step. I am excited for you and your family.

Realizing, facing and sharing your experience out loud gives true strength to where you want to be going.

Thanks for sharing AW, you and Aussie are in my prayers.

I can only thank all for your encouragement.
I dont have answers really right now. Not sure I will... my husband has a lot to process still.
I wish there were easy answers, something to make the past go away.
You get through it a day at a time and hold each moment together as a gift.
I dont brood as much on it but its never far away.
Time & hard work perhaps.

Do you need all the answers right now? (echos to self)

I've an idea for ya...start a daily scrap book. I bet Aussie will love it when he gets home.

Something tells me that it might help fill some of the loneliness while you 2 are apart.

Give it a thought and thinky happy thoughts so that bump isn't upset. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You guys come up with possible names yet?

I am the BH trying to UNDERSTNAD the WHY my WW did what she did...your post has (hopefully) give me a look at what she is going through.

I'll be showing her your post...she doesn't like crying informt of me or talking aobut how she REALLY feels about what she did.

Thanks...you are a great wife who behaved TERRIBLY and are making amends.

It's not the mistakes that kill you...its what you do about them afterwards and it sounds like you are doing WONDERFULLY!

Dear AW,

I agree with the other posts, this was very painful to read. It is exactly how I wish or hope my WH feels, but not sure. That is the problem with the lies, it is hard to believe the truth. Your truth is so heartfelt, I don't think your BH would think it was something said because you think it is the right thing to say.

Just remember we have all done things we are ashamed of, but hopefully we learn from them. One thing I have learned is to cherish what you have and to pay attention to it.

All the best to you.

Nancy

Hey AW - you don't have to have the answers right now... you're doing great. Aussie does have a lot that he needs to process... and you will be right there with him to help him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

AW,

You know... there is sooo much to say to you, but I am not sure I have the words to do it. Did you know when a bone is broken that if properly set, the point of fracture is often much stronger than the rest of the bone? Do you know of the saying
Do you realize that you and Aussie now talk on a different level? It is easy to see here in both of your posts. Do you see in the passing of the Pope, something for all to learn? He is revered not just by those who are Catholic because he was a man capable of forgiveness and generosity of the soul.

What I am driving at is that your marriage is NOT over. You have been given a gift of another child. Your H is working on his issues. You are addressing yours. While there are deep wounds, there is deeper understanding and appreciation. Your H almost lost you or so he thought. He is reflecting on that. You thought you had lost your H and you are clearly reflecting on that as well.

YET, there you are: married, rearing your children, and expecting a new one. Each of you more aware, more sensitive to the other. You two have been blessed and you are finding that each of is much stronger than you realized.

AW, don't be down. Consider yourself blessed, smile and enjoy the days. You two WILL make it and I think in the long run you two will (if you don't already) have a marriage that most can only envy. You are a good woman. Aussie is a good man. You two both need to remember that fact.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL