Thank you for giving me this insight. I feel very dicouraged for my own situation though. My WW seems to feel no guilt for what she has done. She thinks she didn't have an affair or cheat. She had, at the very least, an EA before she told me she needed time and space and ran to Arkansas. She thinks she is justified for the years she tried to get me to fill her EN.

Her mother tells me she cries when she reads my letters or talks to me on the phone and worries about me. Maybe she does feel guilt and is just ice cold to me. I hope she feels this way and there is hope.

AW
I had become resolved to the fact that Squid would never be able to remotely concieve the hurt she visited upon me.

Your post gives me hope that she just may, someday.

{{{{AW}}}}

I & I
I think that having 'run' away and if her Mum is correct, then she is feeling guilt & is probably too ashamed to even try to come back to you.
She cannot see how you can forgive her. Or she you either. That is very common.
I do know it will be important for you to be welcoming and supportive of her if she did come back & let her know that - if you want that of course - while not being too 'needy'.
The other thing is that if she says you were not meeting her needs then there is no way she as meeting yours either.
Your situation does appear to be where there were issues but not ones that jumped out at you. That means there was little REAL communication but I am guessing you have worked that out.
If its not hopeless for me it it not for you.
Are you familar with all the MB plans and have you read harleys propositions on affairs & M?
They do seem to fit well and in many places all over the world. That makes me think hes well on the right track about all of this.
I do think you should be writing/speaking to her and repeating the same message over and over....
we can work this out it is 'safe' to come home and begin this work. It will be hard but with MC we can do it as many others have.
Do you think she would post here at all?
MAybe email myself and some other FWW if that helps?
You can reassure her we are a nameless faceless entity she can sa anything to, because I'm sure theres nothing she has thought that we haven't.
I dont know if she has run away with a man or to be with one - that would change my advice a bit, but you dont say so so I assume its her parents she has gone to.
IF she is just sitting on the fence & wont move I would suspect another man where she is but no detail provided so I dont know.
Anyway L &L dont give up on this until the fat lady sings as they say in OZ.
I'm not giving up & neither should you.

Bob dont be surprised if she cant just face it. Without MC & IC I doubt I could have.
Once that starts I think it will come. Then you will need to be very attentive because I know I walked the edge for a while. I think she will get there, intellectually I'm sure she does know, emotionally right now that is still clogged with so many things that are happening.
[[[bob]]]

My wife has gone through and said many of the things you've expressed. She's handling it differently though. She's filing divorce paperwork next week when she comes back from overseas. She says she feels relieved now that she's made the decision to divorce me. It seems she never was In Love with me, and she doesn't want to hurt me again in the future. I've been in Plan A for the last two weeks, but she says some of the things I've said made her feel cheap and trashy. I've never thought she was and told her so right back. I told her I cherished her for what was inside, not her looks (She's uncommonly pretty).

All she says is that she HAS to be divorced and maybe we'll be together again after that. She has some control and intimacy issues too.

4/1 was our 10th wedding anniversary and I tried to fly over and see her for the weekend, but flights were full.

I had bought her a Sterling Silver mirror for her purse and have a note that tells her to remember how precious I think she was to me every time she looks at it. No matter what I ever said to make her feel trashy.

I know she's still sleeping with the OMs Tshirt under her pillow and contacts him occassionally.

I hoping to at least improve our relationship for the kids sake even if we're not together.

Sometimes it just seems hopeless and I wonder how long I keep trying.

You need to reassure your husband he should keep trying. Give him lots of affection. Tell him what you feel about him. Let him know when you feel bad about yourself and let him prop you up, not someone else.

That makes us men feel good. When the woman we love counts on us. Relies on us. We want to be your knight in shining armor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aussieswife,
I can only hope that my outcome could be as hopeful as yours. Reading your post I fully understand all you are feeling. My situation is different, but I feel like I want to die and I can not believe the hurt I had been capable of doing. My H actually suggested I get on here and read your posts. Glad I have found this site. I am getting alot out of it and I am learning so much. I wish you the best in your marriage and in your life.

Hang in there SSG - and get the help you personally need to become the stronger woman you can be - one who will not waver, one who will be loyal. one who knows hers strengths and weaknesses.

It's hard. Esp when you are in a marriage now that has all the signs and damages. My husband is here, and for the past week, has been very warm towards me, but it isn't the same. If I so much as get grumpy for one moment, it sets him off. Our marriage is damaged, and it may not make it. I know your husband is looking for a divorce, that is tough - but you are no good to yourself hating yourself.

I contemplated suicide in the beginning many times, the revelation of the pain I had put on everyone I loved was so great and so unbareable - I thought I was the lowest piece of [censored] in the world.

5 months of HARD work and ALOT of spiritual healing later, I now like parts of myself, but it is still an onward struggle. I have realized and finally accepted that I do not have to live based on my prior mistakes, that it doesn't define me. That I can live based on NOW, and I am NOT who I was then, and never will be, as God has shown me the bigger picture. it helps me get through the bad days when the wreckage of what I have done is even more apparent.

Have you read "Torn Asunder" Along with the Harley's books, this book in particular really helped me out in figuring out why I had an affair, and they cycles etc.

Hang in there SSG - you are in the right place - and AW is a fantastic woman - I hope she can help you out as well.

-ds

deeplysorry,
I liked your statement about how you do not have to live based on your prior mistakes and that that doesnt define you. I feel the same way and I dont believe the person I was then is the person I am now or the person I had been prior to the A. I have learned alot from all this and it seems like you have too. God is a big part of my life now. I know I will get through this only through him. Psalm 32 helps me remember that I am forgiven for the wrong I have done. I havent gotten that book yet, but have just gotten "Surviving an affair" in the mail today. Sure I will be up tonight reading.
You hang in there too.

The death of a beloved child has often been the catalyst for many marriages to fall apart under the stress.

This is not an excuse for infidelity, as you said ... but sweetheart ... you are just such a really good woman ... please understand your life took a wrong turn and later you got yourself back on the right path.

OK?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />