Hey Squiigle,

How did the session with SH go?

Sounds like you just need to trust yourself (I know sometimes the overanalyzing and advice-seeking comes from "am I doing the right thing? "what if this doesn't work?" "Is there a better way?", etc.).

How did it go with SH?

DBT/counselor - Well, my wife and I each had individual sessions with SH this week. I went first -- I did most of the talking, but Steve showed a lot of understanding and interest in helping. He also had some good insights into what was going on, and he agreed that I need to take a non-pushy approach to WW, as anything that is seen as a demand will do damage. He also suggested that I ask her to talk with him, with no expectation of a commitment beyond that.

That night, WW and I went out for a bite to eat. It went very well again -- we even made an agreement prior to going that we would not argue about anything. And we stuck with it :-) I did tell her that I talked to SH, and then I asked her to consider a session with him to explore the option -- she agreed to do it.

WW's talk with Steve was yesterday. Last night, we had a pretty long phone conversation, partially about her session but mostly about R issues. She isn't sure what to think of Steve for our situation, but she did say she liked him and it was obvious that he has her thinking about things. She also said that he sounds like he would be good for working on the M, but that we need to get to that point first.

Her main concern (I think) with me is that she doesn't know if I can make her happy. She is also worried that too much damage has been done to recover our M. I told her that I understood, as I've had the same concerns. But I also told her that I have a lot of hope for us, and that while it's easy to see all the bad in our situation right now, I view this as a great opportunity -- an opportunity to understand each other better and to learn how to meet each other's needs. How many times in a M are you put in a situation where BOTH partners are willing to REALLY work on things? And without holding back? Not very often. But this could be one of those times, and given the chance, I intend to make the most of it.

I told her that I realized this was an important decision, and that I'd respect her need for some time to process things. I want her decision to be as meaningful and true as possible, so I told her to call me when she is ready to talk. And I will be here to listen.

The past week seems to have put more of the focus on our M, rather than the A. Both things need to be dealt with, but it was nice to be talking about us rather than the OM. One worry I still have is that OM hasn't been willing to respect WW enough to give her the space she needs to figure out what is best for her. I guess that means they'll be talking a lot while she is deciding on things, and I'm sure he'll be trying to convince her not to stop seeing him.

I can't control that, though. And honestly, these are the moments where people's true character is shown. If my WW can find the courage to take that first step with me, she will have already earned a huge dose of respect.

Squiggle

OK, good. Better than my WS's lone session with Steve. A start. She is exactly right that you "need to get to that point first." This is her decision - "that point" is total severance with OM. You help her arrive at this decision via Plan A.


She's REALLY right on this score - you CANNOT make her happy! Only SHE can make HERSELF happy! This is NOT your responsibilty and further, it's out of your control!

Mention this to Steve in your next session with him and seek his advice on how to communicate this thought to your wife.

Alright. Sorry I was AWOL for a few days. you sound a lot calmer and that is awesome. Keep the positive attitude. I don't remember which post I wrote it before, but I really felt a lot calmer and some real peace for the first time post-A when I finally accepted that I couldn't control her. It was a relief to realize that. At that point I also accepted that it might not work out, and that she might not come around, but even so I could handle that too. Once I accepted divorce as a viable option I was a lot less desperate and actually was able to better work on making things work because it was my choice to do so.

Glad she's talking more about R. That will help her more clearly delineate the difference between your M and her A. Be careful not to jump on it when she says something you like. SH has her thinking and that is great, but she has to be the one to come around, so don't try to force it.

Keep us posted! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

An update....

WW and I actually went to the movies this weekend. She initially said "no" when I asked her to go, b/c she felt like I was pressuring her to move too fast. I tried to tell her that it was only a movie and that she didn't even have to talk to me during it, but I could tell she was getting stressed at the conversation. I then tried to back off and told her it was okay for her to say "no" -- that I didn't want to pressure her and I wouldn't be mad, but she then changed her mind and said we should just go and see what happens. I didn't really understand how she changed her mind, but I was glad to see her, so why ask?

The movie went pretty well. I met her at the movie theater, b/c she didn't want me to pick her up at her apartment (I guess it would be too much like a date). Also, I told her we didn't have to do anything after the movie, so that took any further expectations out of the equation. Anyway, we sort of did our usual routine (we used to go to the movies about once a week) -- bought the same refreshments we usually do, shared a soda, etc. After the movie, I drove her to her car (she parked farther away than me) and gave her a little gift she needed for her apartment (an adapter so she can use her portable DVD player to watch movies on her TV). Then, we did our own things the rest of the night.

I can't say it was a fantastic time. But the fact that it was as uneventful as it was is probably a good thing. And even though we didn't talk a lot, our interactions were friendly and light.

Squiggle

Also...

WW agreed to go to a combined MC session with Steve Harley -- the appointment is Wednesday :-)

We have not talked about OM or NC since the big blowup 10 days ago. While I REALLY do want NC, I have decided not to make any demands on her, as it shuts her down, drives her to the OM, and only causes damage to our relationship.

I know this may be a risky decision, but she needs to make her own choices -- without feeling like I "forced" her to. So far, we are definitely making progress. Slow progress -- but progress. We've had several R talks in the past week with no fights, no LB's, and an honest sharing of feelings. I think a lot of that has to do with her feeling comfortable that I am letting her figure things out for herself. Yes, there is a danger that I am enabling her A, but it's a risk I have to take.

If only there was NC, I would have put us on the verge of recovery. But without NC, it still seems a ways off.

Even so, I am hopeful and optimistic. Wednesday can't come soon enough.

Squiggle

Good news about the joint session. Let Steve lead her.

About the movie night: I sense you're being a bit too aggressive. Slow down. Time is on your side. Try being a little less available.

WAT