While I've been reading everything in the book, After the Affair, I seem to have been trying to leave my spouse alone and not nag him (he is still much in the honeymoon phase with the OW). How long do I have to wait? Does the other partner usually break down first? I'm just worried that I'm keeping myself mentally on hold for a man who may never want to come back to me. At first he said he was interested in counseling. Now he says he doesn't know what he wants to do and has pretty much given up his life with me and the kids to join her. Should I consider this the end?

Kate, no this doesn't have to be the end.<P>While you are learning what works and what doesn't, you should also be learning about you. Whether you are waiting for your husband to return, or whether you are going to get divorced, in either case - you need to work on you.<P>Learn to discover new things about life, and what makes you happy - with or without your husband. <P>I have discovered new things - and they are mine and nobody can take them away. <P>I love the sunrises. The squirrels as the scramble to get ready for winter. I love hearing the geese honking and moving south for winter.<P>Today the trees were really changing. I saw green 2 days ago, yesterday green and yellow, and today I saw some orange. There are also some bushes on the ground that are bright burgandy. So nature for me is a newfound peace, that I get tickled all over watching.<P>Hang in there Kate, and find something that makes YOU happy. Happiness is your choice. And whether he comes back or not, he can't take that away from you.

I too am waiting for my husband to come back. Sometimes i think i am giving myself more pain. Letting him decide if he wants to honor our 12 year marriage or love another woman. I have made the commitment to fight for my marriage. I am trying to make myself stronger and closer to God. It is so hard sitting around and giving him the chance to choose. It makes me feel like less of a person. I need someone to love me too. He gets the best of both worlds. Two women that want him. Also how do you not let hate consume your heart for the other woman.I guess im in a rotten mood tonite, lol

I am right there with you guys. I posted a similar topic last night. As my friend always asks me "how do these guys find two women who both will sit and wait for him". I have often asked myself the same question. I don't want to be a lesser person just sitting around waiting in case he decides he'll choose me - I am worth way more than that. I am not doing well tonight either having just sat through a meeting where the OW was attending - yeugh!<p>[This message has been edited by loveu (edited September 23, 1999).]

I was really stuck by the phrase "makes me feel like less of a person." That is exactly how I have felt ever since my husband (then-fiance) cheated on me. He eventually did choose me over the OW (or she dropped him -- since that's how she tells the story). And well, I've been trying to overcome my own resistance to healing for over a year. Does it ever get easier???