hi all, i am in recovery right now and its not going so great, and i believe that its my fault. you see, everything i didnt deal with while in plan a,( the sf with ow, him referring to her as my baby, just in general, all the pure unadulterated HELL he put me thru for those 6 or 7 months) keeps coming back to haunt me. the images of him making love with another woman, being with her, doing things together, will not leave my head no matter what. he is getting frustrated with me because i cant stop crying, i want to leave (i think?) because i am unable to deal with the pain of everything. he tells me, loudly, that he's done everything he can for me and im still not happy and its because im never GOING to be happy. Sometimes i wonder if thats true. I know I have my nerve b!tching about a fwh when all these bs are still going thru REAL hell, the only problem im having seems to be in my own head. he tells me to "get over it alraedy, its over with, are you going to throw this in my face for the rest of our lives?!" i said since you have all the answers tell me how to make everything magically "go away" tell me how to get these thoughts out of my head that im alone, with no one to stand beside me anymore. he just says i dont understand you, you have everything you wanted , why arent you happy? its your problem and you need to do something about this. does anyone know of anything i can do? was thinking of hiding under my bed and never coming out.(or failing that, moving back to my moms)

Hi Shelly,

Please see my thread titled "Do you live with a spouse who refuses to apologize?" You're in the same boat that I am. Come on in and grab a paddle. I know exactly what you mean.

{{{Shelly}}}

Mulan

How are you eating and sleeping? Are you getting some exercise? Taking care of yourself physically can help you feel better emotionally.

Are you spending time together doing enjoyable things?

Are you on antidepressants? If not, make an appointment with your MD.

Recovery takes a lot of hard work, but time heals a lot of wounds.

Blessings to you,
Susan

hmmm, eating & sleeping? eating when i think about it, ( usually brain thinks about other unwanted things) Nee d xanxax to sleep, or else im up all night, doing the same, thinking. I have some ad's leftover from before but i dont like to take them (trazodone) because they put me to sleep and i cant wake up. we have good days h and i, like last night we stayed up till 5 am eating pizza and watching movies, and had a good time. then this morning he left early and i dont believe him when he tells me where hes going. I guess i am crazy.

Shelly,

You are not crazy!! OF COURSE you are depressed. The one person who you are supposed to be able to trust, who made a VOW to you, broke that trust!!! And you think that being depressed over this is crazy?! It would be crazy if you didn't give a [email]cr@p[/email], then you could be crazy and calm.

I hate when I see WS saying "just get over it" and the likes. How ridiculous. And again, OF COURSE you don't trust him, he is not trustworthy!!

Did he admit A and OW. Are you going to MC and/or IC ? You really should look into ADs, wellbuterin is more of a stabilizer (it will keep some awake, as does prozac), but there are a ot of alternatives. Talk to your dr. about your concerns. Mine was a real goof at first, but I still got ADs and they really helped!! A lot!!!

Have you read any of the books suggested here? Going over the ENs together can be helpful. I do know though, that it is very difficult with an unrepentant and resistant (to MB and such) spouse.

Update us soon. hugs (((shelly)))

jls

Shelly,

Your H still retains the Xws status in your mind. As long as that is where he is, it is up to him to help you through recovery. His status as an H is given when you are ready to move forward with him as your H. Not before. Therefore, he now needs to do the work to help you get over the damage of the A. You can't just forget it and move forward. When a car is in an accident but is driveable, you don't just leave it all dented up with the door not able to completely close, the windshield with a large crack and the trunk scrunched up and tied down with a rope, do you? Of course not, it is still your car but it needs t/b fixed. Time, energy and $$ must be spent to fix it up. Your M requires that and more. Just telling you to get over it is like 'telling the car to heal thy self.' How silly. Yet that is the mindset of an Xws not an H. So tell him he needs to help you find closure.

L.

a repentant fws does not tell you to just get over it!!! this is a huge red flag for me.....he is trying to shove the elephant under the rug...believe me i know---ive had the whole damn jungle under thare at times!!!!

Nikko, I am sure you didnt mean it like that, but your jungle under the rug made me laugh! Thanks for that. Orchid, thanks for replying, i've missed you since you got your new job. Plus with this new board i cant figure out who's here anyway and i keep getting logged out after every post. aaaggghhhh!!! I keep going thru little cycles like these where i get into the blackest depression, the next day im alright again. I know FWH is sorry for what he's done, when i cry, and i mean REALLY cry he starts to cry to and beg me to please let it go, that when i am hurting he feels like the biggest piece of **** in the world. And I dont know what else to tell him cause I cant stop. Maybe I should just remove myself from the house when I feel so down. I'm probably just doing more damage to my marriage.

just calm down -now do you have the book HN/HN - I gave this to my WH a few weeks ago -so I wouldn't hear the just get over it from him. He is also famous for saying that phrase. I hate that phrase. He read how long it will take for me. I did say to mine when he became impatient the first week of me finding out. I said you have had XXX number of months to get over her. 2 + years for it to come to an end - I have not even had 2 months. So if you eant this M to work you need to deal with everything and I mean everything. Then I told him about the book and asked him if he would read. He read some of it and now can see what he has done to us. That I need much more than he thought. He is really trying but still has not come forward with answers to many questions for me. I still do not know if he is lying to me -time will tell. Good luck and take care of yourself. I have and feel much more whole and happy with who I am.

No Shelly,
He chose to recover the marriage and his wife. His wife has been through one of the most traumatic experiences of her life. He needs to deal with the fallout.

I'm with nikko, I see red flags here, too. He should be more sympathic, just a few months into recovery. Tell him if he wants to deal with this the quickest, most efficient way, that he should go to MC with you for the rest of this year.

There is no 'letting it go'. That's a very juvenile expectation. When there is no money for bills, do adults say, 'lets just let it go and see what happens?' He needs to understand that the 'letting it go' option has been taken off of the table, and will NOT be discussed, again!

Say, if you really want to help, read SAA (so he knows recovery takes at LEAST a year, among other things), and lets start MC. Otherwise, you just get to sit there and hold me while I cry.

You know, we all say, 'if our S has an A, we our LEAVING'.

Then they do, and we think, 'Well, if he's REALLY sorry and wants to recover the marriage and do the work, then I guess I'll stay'.

Then, the WS dodges all responsibility, doesnt want MC, doesnt want to figure out why, how to prevent it, and we say, 'I guess I'm going to stay, no matter what?!?'<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. I dont understand trying to recover with an unsupportive, unremorseful WS.

I hope you can get him to MC. Please take care - Dru

shelly---i meant it just like that!!!! ive gone on more elephant hunts than you can imagine....look it up. i am an expert, unfortunately, on the jungle under the rug....it took my husband three years after d-day to fully realize what he had done and face it. i know every deflecting tactic there is...and lived through them all. this does not just go away...
you both need counseling

Shelly,

U should not have to go anywhere out of your home. Remember that is a family home for the family, not for a WS or even an Xws. It is for a H, W and children.

Now when your H cries with you, how long does it take for his tears to dry up and he goes his merry way? R those crocodile tears? Hm.... think about it. He can cry at a drop of a hat because he knows how it affects U. It c/b a tool he uses to keep you in check.

U have got to learn to use your tools for your benefit and that of your family instead of an Xws using it to lessen his guilt.

When mine cried, I let him. I did not feel sorry for his guilt. When he apologized, I accepted the apology but did not lessen it's impact nor make excuses or let him think things were better than they really were. Can you do the same?

L.