Hi, left.

Please listen to me. You do whatever you legally need to do to insure that your children are not hauled off to another state again. That is your priority.

After that is done, then you can work on your relationship.

Kids first, everything else, second.

Do not wait on your wife. She simply can not be trusted right now. That is a fact that you must face.

Gimble

Post deleted by leftandlost

Hi, left.

Skip sixflags. Don't leave her alone with your stuff.

I like your plan for Saturday. No matter what she decides or says, make sure you keep the noon appointment.

Now go and delete your last post just in case she reads here.

All the best,
Gimble

The past week has just about killed me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Friday - I p/u WW & friend from airport and head to Galveston. I got a top-floor, 2bdrm, oceanview condo. We had a night on the town. We had never been out dancing before. We had a blast. We slept together, but no sex. She did everything in the world to make me want her, but she said she wasn't ready "just yet," so I didn't press.

Saturday - We goofed around as a family. It was our DD's Bday. We all had a blast. Things got serious when WW noticed the car (that she was supposed to drive back) wasn't at the house. I had to fib, telling her it was at the shop. We got into a talk about us. WW said we shouldn't have slept together and shouldn't have kissed. She didn't want to lead me on (I'll get back to this later). Things warmed back up and we did sleep together again though. I was informed (and it was mentioned Fri. as well) that WW and friends are wondering if OM is actually gay. He hasn't touched her or been interested in her sexually in over a month, but seems more interested in friend's H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I ask WW why she is staying there with OM considering how he now treats her and neglects her. She seemed to shift to it being more of a location factor now that is keeping her from coming home("I like where I'm at, but I'm seriously thinking"). WW starts to cry and asks why I would want to have anything to do wth her after what she's done.

Gimble, I was going to serve her Sat., but lawyer informed me I should wait till Mon. since the hearing would be reset anyways.


Sunday - I take WW to Lakewood church. They really enjoy it and take a picture with Joel Osteen. Then we go to Six Flags all day. It was wonderful.

Monday - The proccess server was supposed to come around 10AM, but shows up at 7AM. I was not prepared. The DC, company, and WW's friend were all there. WW went ballistic. She said all sorts of mean things as expected. She also said that there was real hope for us getting back together and that couples go through things like this and work it out all the time. She told me she hated me and there was no hope now. She walked out of the house and went to a hotel. I was miserable.

Tuesday - Evil stares to go around at the hearing. WW & I go outside to talk about things. Everyone on both sides, even lawyers, note that it's obvious we're still very much in love. I speak of losing my parental rights and the fact that she has bashed hope time and time again. Talk, talk, talk. WW tells me she didn't mean she was leading me on all the way around, just that she didn't want me to think she was coming back thos weekend. We decide that I am going to think about how we are going to proceed.

WW goes home with me. WW, lawyer, & friend run off with idea that my "blood-sucking, evil lawyer" scared the crap out of me that I was going to lose my parental rights. They go on and on about how it was understandable how I could react like this, especially when I'm such a good father.

WW now seems to respect our M now that it has been shown legal and a divorce is required. WW even seemed to enjoy signing her married name. She looked at me with more love and admiration than ever before. We slept together again. I never would've imagined that to happen after her conduct Mon.! WW drove me crazy sexually. Said she would have sex, but it was that time (yes, it was true).

I gave WW the car and paid for insurance and tags as agreed in the TRO. WW left to bring her friend back to Arkansas Wednesday. I don't know when she is returning. The Temporary Hearing is scheduled for 6/29 if I don't postpone it. WW's best friend informed me WW was 98% she was going to return, but isn't sure now. Told me that WW doesn't seem to be mad now.

WW is assuming I'm going to work with her, but I haven't made my mind up. She wanted an answer today so she could call her lawyer off. She can't afford one. I want to hold any temporary hearings, but leave the case open for now. My lawyer is seeking an injunction regarding the DC. I want to give her the chance to return. This scared her and proved that we are legally married. I want to see what she does with this new respect and knowledge.

BTW, WW put up a personals listing before she came to visit. It's funny because her match describes me to a T. The good part about it is maybe it means she's done w/OM. The bad news is it may mean she's not ready to commit. It could also mean nothing at all now. We'll see.

Dear Lord this is such a roller coaster ride...I hate it.

Hi. left

Time to change that name to rightandfound :-)

OUTSTANDING GOOD JOB!!

Now you hold the cards. Your kids are back and your wife is ready to work.

You decide what you want to do from here.

I am very short of time right now, but I will get back to you late this evening.

Edited to add: Please make sure that your wife has a full battery of STD tests done before you have sex with her! Don't allow her to seduce you. Also make sure that you follow through completely with any leftover legal issues concerning your children. Do this regardless of what anyone thinks of you.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, left.

I read more carefully through your post. One thing that is missing is the status of the children.

Are they indeed in your state and legally bound from leaving with your wayward wife?

Assuming the children are properly covered now, then you have a big decision to make.

Do you want to win your wife back or let her go.

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble,

The sentiment from my WW is that if I try to take the kids away from her, it is over between us and she will hate me. She doesn't want a mud-slinging contest. She promises that if I try to take the kids, it will be one. WW is blown away that I did this when things were going so well between us and, according to WW's best friend, she was so close to coming home.

It feels like the flex of a little muscle may do the trick. My WW doesn't seem to realize that the outcome isn't going to be black or white. She seems to think it will either be, she gets the kids in Arkansas, or I get them in Texas. The most likely outcome is she gets them in Texas according to my lawyer. I haven't told her this because I'm not sure if it's something that should be handled by the lawyers or not. WDYT?

I told WW that my lawyer sent something to her lawyer to put off the temporary hearings until we figure out what we are doing. The order will put off the hearing and make the TRO an injunction until the outcome of the hearing. This would keep the DC with me. I'm waiting to see if she'll sign off on it next week. If she doesn't, we'll see what happens.

My WW doesn't like the idea that how I proceed depends on if she comes back to me or not. She's taking a bad attitude towards it, saying "If you're just going to do this if I don't come back anyways, let's just do it now!" She was very emotional and crying when she said it. I calmed her down. She doesn't have the resources to pay for a lawyer. My resources are about drained as well, but she doesn't know it.

I guess I'm not much better off than I was 2 weeks ago am I? I hate this! I want to save my M. If she was telling the truth about coming back to me, I feel like I should give it a little more time. She knows now that I'm not going to just sit by and be walked on. I wonder if holding this over her head will only push her away.

She told me she wouldn't be able to call me very much except to talk to the kids over the weekend. "Why?" I asked. "Do you need to ask why?" she replied. "Ok, you'll be with him?" I whipped. She then hinted she might be ending things with OM this weekend, but I can't be sure anymore.

The process of securing the DC isn't as clear-cut and simple as I thought. It is a drawn-out and nasty process no matter how well-intentioned I approach it. It also hurts so bad to see her go back after we had such a magical week together. I saw such love from her, it's hard to understand. The OM seems to do nothing for her, but she still holds on to the scraps. I'm very confused. There is no cake on the other side of this equation! So if she loves me like it is obvious to everyone, what is holding her back?!

Hi, left.

I can tell you this.

Your wife may be telling you the truth, but she has been living in another state, with another man, with your kids, and screwing this other man. If you think you can trust her after that, when all you have is what she is telling you now, and even what she is telling you contains no promises, then you go right ahead.

Those are the facts as I see them.

Even if she gets custody, at least she will have to live near you.

I can't tell you what to do, other than what I have already said, and that is; See to the safety and security of your children FIRST, then your relationship.

As I see things, the ONLY thing you have working in your favor is the legal system. She and the children are in your state now. Make damn sure they remain.

Your wayward wife will tell you ANYTHING in order for her to remain in or regain control.

Others, if you are lurking, please read left's history and thread and weigh in if you have an opinion.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

So do you think I should tell her that is what I'm expecting? (A geographical restriction) She might relax slightly if she doesn't think I will take the kids from her. She will of course still be pissed she has to come back "before she's ready," but I agree it is an obvious benefit. I just wasn't sure if negotiations/requests should just be handled by the lawyers.

She said she had just about made up her mind to come home, just not quite yet. She said this before I served her, but I agree I can't trust her. She talks as if she will come home, just on her time, not mine. No, I'm not saying I believe her, I'm merely repeating her words/actions.

I would be interested to hear from others that have taken this route about the actions/words of WS and how it played out, but I haven't seen many unless they're just lurking.

Hi, left.

Let me ask you a couple of direct questions.

I thought that your wife was being served so that she could not leave to stay with the other man again in another state, children in tow. Has this occurred or not?

Secondly. If the above is true, then are the children with you or with her, and where is she?

Gimble

Gimble,

She was served to prevent her from taking the kids out of state again. I can't do anything to make her stay here. She asked for a continuance which put it back to the 29th. She can do whatever she wants until then. The children are with me. The TRO prevents her from taking them. I am seeking for the TRO to be made a permanent injunction pending the outcome of the hearing. I was going to postpone the hearing if she signs off on the injunction to protect the kids. I don't think I can make her do anything.

She drove the car back to Arkansas. She doesn't have to come back to town until the hearing. I suppose I could forget delaying the hearing. She would be back by next week. She was expecting the DC back July 5. Can you win someone back if you force them back?

BTW, my lawyer tells me the courts are inclined to keep the children in the jurisdiction of the courts. I wish I knew the odds of this. I hear about parents taking children out of state all the time. This makes me wonder why it wasn't prevented. Has anyone lost a request for a geographical restriction? Has anyone here won one?

Hi, left.

Thanks for the clarification.

No, you can't make her do anything, but the courts can, or make her wish she had.

If she wants to 'sign off' then fine. After that is done, you can work on your relationship.

As for the legal ramifications, you would have to ask your attorney, unless someone here knows about your state's laws.

You can't make your wife stay with you, but you can make sure that you have access to your children, and at least temporarily keep them away from a potentially harmful influence (other man). Who knows what that guy is. He could be perfectly okay guy (doubtful), or he could be a pedophile, no way to know.

Your wife forced you into this situation by her actions. You are trying to make sure that she can't haul the children off to be witness to an illicit tryst again. While that may not make it into court for consideration, I recommend that you let your lawyer do what he/she does best.

Let me ask you something for you to ponder on. If you got your wife back right now. What would you have?

This is rough on you, but you have done a man's job, Left. Hang in there.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

When you say "back," do you mean back in Texas, or back to committing to the R?

Hi, left.

I was talking back as in your relationship, but I would assume that she would need to be in TX in order for that to happen :-)

She can't really commit to the relationship from other man's place.

Hang in there left. Watch your back.

God bless,
Gimble

left

I think Gimble has been spot on through this entire mess. Hes been pretty accurate on what your WW was going to do and when ........ I think thats a good hitting score.

Like he says though , its your decison and you in the end have to make it & live with it hard as that is.

I think you need at this time to only consider the facts as they are and not the what ifs.

FACT 1
The DC's need a stable safe environment.
Tx seems to be a state which more often than not enforces kids to stay in prox to the residing parent from many previous posts I've had with other MBers. Your lawyer will know if this is the case for sure so ask.
I also understand is that Tx is one of the states which take adultery into account in custody cases , how much or how that is done I'm not sure..again a lawyer question. May not be relevant at all in your case.

FACT 2
your ww IS living with OM, having sex with OM, living in another State, right now.

FACT 3
Anything she tells you directly or through 'friends' should be treated with great scepticism .. actions only actions mean anything. .... look at her actions right now.

Frankly Left I dont know what else you can do but protect your kids and present your WW with a viable option to come home & work on the M. Maybe your wishes on that score will change soon and you'll close that option to your WW, but again its your choice and whats right for you.

I do feel myself that you may be doing too much supporting of her - eg she rings you to get a Left fix and then stays in another state with OM for that fix.
Yes I know the argument on plan A etc etc ..just my feeling thats all, I'd be to 'busy' too stay long on the phone I'd be going out etc
My overall impression is that your ww does not fully respect you and has not for a long time. That she could not see anything wrong with taking the kids away from you is real foggy stuff.
I think its starting to hit her that suddenly you are no walkover any more & she is NOT happy.
IMHO I'd be thinking Plan B - total dark - soon BUT not right now. There is still some real hope she will drop OM and want to come home and then the REAL work will start [you think THIS time is hard!]or at the least end it with OM and come to be near the kids or get joint custody.
Then you may have a good chance to work with her on the R and maybe a M one day...but frankly I'd be very careful on that one for along while.
I'm sure it will turn out to be a big EN of hers but you would need some period of regained trust to take that step if your head is screwed on right!!again my opinion only.

What ever happens left I wish you well as you've done the real hard yards all through this. My wife reckons you are a real battler left and I have to agree with her ...though I dont know if she needs to know that of course ..lol

But good luck and if you ever need to email someone just to vent whatever if no one is arounf MB then you feel free.

Aussie

Thanks Gimble & Aussie,

I have gone through such a roller coaster this past week and am in a valley right now. We had a venting fest with me in the middle of Walmart last Tuesday. She is worried about hurting friends and family and them having nothing to do with her if she comes back. She claims there are many that now hate me after I served her. Many of these people supposedly supported her coming back to me prior to it. Claims she wants to hang my lawyer for talking me into it because things were going perfectly for her to come home before I did it. I vented my feelings about it. She told me she felt that if she decided not to come back I would force her back anyways, insisting this would lead to an all-out mud-slinging contest again.

She was starting a new job the next morning. I also expressed unhappiness about that. I said, "What does that say to me ?!" She replied, "You and I both know that a piddly job isn't going to hold me down if I'm going to come back to you."

The next day she called out of the blue. She asked me to fly up to Arkansas and drive her home. She couldn't break it off w/OM face-to-face. Thirty minutes later she decided to break it off face-to-face because she "owed him that" (remember, I only got a phone break-up). Thirty minutes after that, she decided she needed more time to think on things. She told me she didn't have the courage to take the step yet. She quit the job the next morning by the way. She told me she was going to try another job, but wasn't sure if she could hack it or would want it.

I finally told her that if we proceed through the court, a geographical restriction would likely be placed on her. She flipped. I told her I felt like I had to choose between my love for her and my love for DC. She said everything expected (this won't win me back...I will hate you...I can't make it by myself...I will be the most miserable person...etc.) She kept insisting that if I didn't do it I could have both her and the kids. That was tough.

I made a decision (sort of). My lawyer passed the hearing and isn't requesting a new one. I told WW I didn't want to move forward on it & that she should call her lawyer and tell him the same. My intent is to leave it pending not dismiss it.

She did go out w/OM over the weekend. I aired my frustration with her today. She didn't apologize, instead asking if I would prefer she didn't tell me what she was doing. I didn't reply. It's hard because I like to hear about all the bad things she tells me about OM, but it hurts so much when she tells me she did something fun. Without her updates, I'm flying blind since she's out of state.

She's supposed to call me back later because she wanted me to open up to her and tell her what is wrong with me. She's going to take her drug test for her new job. I told her I was looking for daycare/nanny. She offered to take the kids back because she didn't want me to have to pay for that. I said no, I needed to get used to it anyways. I actually said it a couple times. The second time she got upset and said, "What the hell are you talking about?!" I said, "I'm going to have to get used to paying for daycare since I'll have to do it in the future anyways." She didn't have a reply.

I want to tell her I need her to come home (again). Tell her if she loves me (like she claims she does and acts like she does when we're together) she needs to put the kids above OM's feelings and anyone else's. Tell her I'm flying up on Saturday and she needs to be ready for me to drive her home. Tell her I was asked out. Tell her I don't know how much longer I can hold on (I'm not ready to throw in the towel, just to put a little pressure on her).

I don't know if any of this would do a thing. I know, maybe I shouldn't have put things on hold legally. Maybe I should carry forward with it. Threats of love/hate and mud-slinging instill a lot of hurt and fear for me. Fears of doing irreversible damage exist as well. I understand everything that you've said for ensuring th DC legally. I've just been putting it off thinking the tides were turning and I wouldn't have to. I had hoped showing a little muscle and backing off would be enough. She's expecting the kids back July 10th.

She asked me today to promise she was going to be able to get them back. I was weak. She kept saying, "I'm trusting you with my whole heart," in a loving manner. She said, "If there's anything you need to tell me, now's the time." I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I want to be honest, but
#1 I haven't made a decision yet
#2 the truth would close the door (maybe temporarily)
I hate to close it right now if she is that close. Her call to come get her makes it seem like she is on the doorstep.

I feel so twisted. I don't like hiding things. I'm starting to wonder if I should move to Plan B, but don't know if I'm ready. My hopes got so high, now I don't know where they should be. MIL thinks a little more time would do it. She was the one that helped WW get the courage to call me to drive her home.

Hi, left.

Quote:
================================
I finally told her that if we proceed through the court, a geographical restriction would likely be placed on her. She flipped.
================================

I think that was a serious tactical error.

Answer a question for me. Is there a legal injunction preventing her from carrying the children across state lines again?

If there isn't then you need to get in touch with your lawyer ASAP and get one. It is extremely likely that she will haul the kids off again, soon.

As for the other stuff, a wayward spouse blaming the betrayed spouse for everything is nothing unusual, it is in fact, standard fare.

You can't believe what she tells you. She is mad because you are taking away her control of the situation.

In the future, NEVER give away your strategy. She will/is going to use it against you.

Please get busy protecting your children.

When your children are safe from her hauling them off again, I will help you with a plan to deal with your wife.

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble,

#1)I will have to go to a temporary hearing w/testimony to get that done. She won't let it happen through negotiations. She will have to be forced by a judge. I've never been D, but isn't that basically doing all the damage as one? She threatens if I do that, she will push the D all the way through.

#2)I will have to call her and tell her I changed my mind. If I do it, I just lied to her about getting the DC back. Isn't that LBing and against Plan A?

#3)Should I put pressure on her to make a decision before going through with it? Giving her one last chance? If she says no, she will see me as controlling, another LB.

I'm sorry I've dragged my feet on this so long. She sounds so convincing in her threats.

GEOGRAPHICAL RESTRICTION
PRO-Ensure DC are close, WW in same city
CON-Probably will never get WW back in M (though I would like to hear from anyone who's done this and recovered), create enemy, CS I can't afford since custody unlikely

SIT'N'WAIT
PRO-Maybe get whole family back over time, CS I can afford (if she doesn't change mind later)
CON-Maybe not, DC in Arkansas w/limited time


Am I leaving anything out? Thanks Gimble.

[color:"blue"] PS- What are your suggestions for explaining why I'm doing it? The best way to diffuse the situation? Thanks! [/color]

Hi, Left.

Here is the deal with me. I will pick your kids safety first, over any other aspect of trying to help you.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your children, or if having your wife back is more important to you than the kids.

My advice to you from the beginning has been the same. Get the children situated so that your wife, who is arguably not firing on all thrusters right now, (she did expose your children to her sex buddy, for an extended period of time) can not further damage them.

I thought that was your goal as well.

I now see that your wayward wife is attempting to manipulate you (and succeeding to some degree) into believing that she is coming back to you, just as soon as she (insert wayward reason here) does whatever.

You are being placated and played. She is threatening to never come back and divorce you if you don't do what she says. Tell me how that is different from your average terrorist.

My point is this, left. I don't want you to do what I say because I said it. I had hoped that you were looking far enough ahead to see what all this is doing to your children.

I won't help you cave to your wife's demands. I won't help you pick a middle ground that leaves your children exposed. That will be your choice.

All the best,
Gimble

My WW came home July 4. She started reading SAA after she found it in our room. She claims it is helping her understand things a lot. She has volunteered NC. She has told me she is staying forever. I suggested ADs to help her get through this time. After a rough couple days she agreed. We went to Arkansas to retrieve the rest of WW's belongings. OM has done some things to make this a lot easier on her, but I can still see her thinking once in a while. Last night a song came on and made her wierd.

Last week she said she didn't deserve me and was sorry she ever left. Last night she told me that she's been really happy the past two weeks. She said it's been a lot easier than she thought it would be (so far...I know there will be bumps). I asked her about MC, but she wasn't interested. She doesn't think we need it...hmmm. We'll see. Things are fabulous between us so far.

I don't know if I'm in recovery or not. She's talking abiout long-term plans now. She got her old job back, she's talking about a 3rd child, etc. Thoughts on all this? I hardly seem to have time to get on here anymore. I guess that might be a good thing though.