I am going to post my whole story. I need help at creative ways of exposing. Please do not quote me – I will need to go back and erase these when I follow through with exposure.

I did hire a PI – to find out OW’s H’s work address (I was going to send documents to his work address so he would be sure to get it). It appears he is self employed. Anyhow, the PI started asking me some questions about BF. PI had a hunch BF might be married. To make a long story short, PI did some pro bono work, and found out that not only does BF have a wife, but BF is also 11 years older than he told me. It would seem that I am an OW as well. It makes me sick.

I have been watching his e-mail account for the past 3 weeks or so. I discovered his password, and just this weekend (aside from his offering to take OW on a motorcycle ride), he invited an old girlfriend of his (who he apparently has been talking to) to his vacation house that he is building. He has asked me to go many times as well. This guy is such a creep!

Here is my problem. I work at a hospital where we perform elective outpatient procedures. My BF sends us a decent amount of business – I’m not sure at this point whether it is because of me or insurance. I want to expose both to his wife and OW’s husband (and I don’t want them to weasel their way out). I have copies of e-mails between them. But I do not want BF to know that I am the one who exposed. My field is very tight with reputation, and he could put me out of work here.

I am trying to think of creative ways to expose without making myself the suspect. I already got myself in trouble because out of jealousy and anger, I got into his account and cc’d a response he sent to one of my seductive e-mails - to OW (this before I knew of any more). I thought it would end their relationship, and then I could end with him. But OW believed his cover up about how the correspondence between he and I was ‘old stuff.’ Then they started e-mailing from another account to which I don’t have the password to. In spite of that, she has occasionally messed up and e-mailed to his old account.

So now I just can’t handle this anymore. I need out. I can’t fake it any longer. I am now hurting his wife as well as OW who thinks I am an ‘old’ girlfriend.

Here is the only idea I have come up with. She has e-mailed him from her work e-mail. I thought about printing up the e-mails, and sending copies to BF’s wife and OW’s husband with a note that says “These were found on the XYZ server. Thought you should know your wife/husband is having an affair.” Then sending copies to myself and the ex girlfriend that say “These were found on the XYZ server. Your name was mentioned in e-mail. In case you are involved with this man, thought you should know he’s having an affair.”

I could send them certified, restricted recipient so that the intended parties only would get them. I would then send him an e-mail saying I know, and that I will no longer be involved with him. That I will be polite and cordial should I see him, but will not contact him in any personal way.

Am I completely out of my gourd here? I have just worked so hard at this job that I don’t want to have to move out of state because HE’S the one who lied to me and I fell for it.

Any ideas or other creative thoughts? Thanks.

Sounds like a pretty good plan to me. I would go for it.

Umm...
What do want the outcome to be?

He is married? Just curious, you never suspected? I'm sorry, it's devastating. Here are some ideas:

*You used a PI get info. on him...Use a PI to find his wife's info. Meet her at home and be there with her when he comes in.
*Ask to meet him for dinner at a public place, then have her come in later.
*Create a "newsletter," complete with fake articles and news briefs, announcements and photos about his As. Post them in his W's neighborhood, send them anonymously to his colleagues, clubs or professional assocs he belongs to, anywhere he might be.

Too

Just checking this a "favorite" thread...

dating, I think your plan is perfectly sound. You will have covered yourself while warning every involved party of the doctor's activities. I bet this has been going on for years simply because no one else had the decency to warn his wife. Good for you for caring enough to let wife and the OWH know.

I don't like it. His wife should be told by you that you had an affair with her husband (unwittingly) and now he is having an affair with so and so.

I don't like the secrecy behind your exposure.

As for your job, why would you get fired you are being honest and upfront, you are the victim right? And if they would fire you for that, then find a new job.

If you really want to do the right thing, come clean. Come clean completely.

This man's wife deserves someone who will stand up and state the truth without secrecy and hidden agendas. And you need to be the person to do this.

Otherwise I question your motives as revenge.

Because this is a dating situation and not a marriage ... I approach this from a different slant.

You are an unwitting OW. Therefore, I'd approach this way:

[color:"blue"]Call his wife and explain how you became the OW of her husband without knowing he was married.

Appologize for your unadvertent involvement into her marriage woes.

Explain to his wife that you discovered he is married because you thought he was cheating on you, and you hired a PI.

Tell her the rest of the PI's info.

Wish her well.

Exit out of the whole entire situation.

Exposure beyond this is a vanity (in my opinion) because you are NOT his wife.

Let his wife decide how she wants to handle this herself. [/color]

That's my take.

Now why is it you were not suspicious he was married? Did you get his home phone number? Had you ever visited him in his home?

Pep

Yeah, you're right, on second thought (whoever said it'd be revenge).

Dating an MD sounds angry (of course!) and I got angry right along with her. So my idea of the newsletter would be very vengeful (but fun!). So nix that. The other two would be less vengeful-minded but, instead, they're ways to keep him from lying his way out of things.

I should have mentioned that when you speak to his W, apologize. She's going to be really hurt, I imagine. But then again, lots of women know about their H's As and deal because they don't want to lose the house, the family, the money, the status, esp. if he's doc. Nevertheless be gentle with her.

Need to keep my mean streak in check.

registered new, posted, and lost it.

i do not understand the revenge thing. i want to send an anonymous phrase with copies of e-mails (so that neither of them can talk their way out). as far as I can tell, this serves me no real different purpose than telling them in person. except that it keeps my name out of the middle.

my job is based on rapport with physicians. i doubt that he would take to it lightly if I were the one to expose his multiple relationships. would I get fired by his going to the administration? no. but there are many more ways he could blackball me and hurt my business. taking his own patients away. getting his partner to take his patients away. slandering my name and my reputation. after seeing how emotionally sick this man is to need 3 or 4 women. i can't help but wonder his emotional stability if it blew up.

as for finding a new job, just to show you how few and far between. 2 job openings for what I do in an area of 3 million people. it is very specified. i have worked hard for this hospital, and love the people I work with. i do not want to see it go down the drain just because I screwed up by having a relationship with a physician I worked with. and that was my screw up. i am not without fault.

i just still don't understand how, aside from risking my job less, an anonymous phrase and copies of e-mails is revenge. now the response to my e-mail that I cc'd OW from his account. that was revenge.

pepperband. no, I really didn't question that he was married. looking back now, I should have. but he is a doctor with an active social life. we did not advertise our relationship at work, but those that did know never mentioned he was married. i did not go over to his house, because where I work is 60 miles from where I live. and we did not spend nights together. there were offers for that, trips, and such. but we never found a chance. go figure. now I know why. he did give me his number, but it was his cell. i did not question that because I don't even have a home phone hooked up. i use my cell for everything.

he did tell me that he he was married when he was younger and is now divorced from the woman. he does not wear a wedding ring, and has never mentioned a wife.

the thing is here. i want out. more than anything. if I have to risk my job and my life here just because I should do it in person, then I would rather bow out of this relationship under a different reason. this man is not worth losing my life here. i think the spouses should know. i would want to know. but I am not married to this man. i just want the truth to come out without it affecting my professional career. if I did not work with him, it would be a no brainer.

Unfortunately affairs in the Medical field are all too common! I would not write annonymous letters...you never know where they will end up or in whose hands they will end up in...Call the DR's wife for goodness sakes! You can call her annonymously or be youself! She might even know already and just be "ignoring" it...or she might have known of another affair and think it is over with...but I would bet my first born that she knows (ok, maybe not my first born...my last born <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

Really, there is no need to be so secretive about it...did the PI take any pictures? If so, make copies and send them off to the WIFE and the Husband with a PHONE call explaining what to expect in the mail! Very simple...dont make it so complicated...EXPOSE the darn Affair(s)!

Just tell the wife. Nobody else. No drama, no exposure, no anonymous letters, nothing. It is her right to expose if that is HER choice. Anything that you do above that is just involving yourself more in their marriage. Can you agree that this woman has been hurt enough? If you truly care about the truth and doing the right thing, just tell her the truth, all of the truth, and then step out of their lives. Everyone involved will be better for it.

And I'm speaking from the point of view of a wife who was in a very similar position to this one.

I hate to keep bringing this up, but...

YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO THIS MAN!

Why are you creating and involving yourself in this level of drama?

You hired a PI to check up on a boyfriend? That's just not healthy.

I'm afraid someone is going to end up getting burned severely here and I'm afraid it's going to be you. Are you familiar with the laws in your area concerning slander, defamation, and stalking?

I believe your best tack at this point is to simply extract yourself from this situation and move on.

Low

I do agree that this woman has been hurt enough. And so have I, honestly.

No, no pics. I don't really know when they meet most of the time. That was the original plan was pics.

LowOrbit. I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm stalking. And I do think the respective spouses need to know. No, I'm not married to the guy. But he has made me an OW without my knowledge. This is dramatic for me because my job could be affected. It will be more dramatic for his wife and/or her husband because they are married.

I know I am JUST a girlfriend. But I really liked this guy and I thought I was the only person in this relationship. I hired a PI to find out OW's husbands work address so I could expose her. Not to stalk bf. And quite honestly, I'm glad that I did because who knew how long I would have continued being an unknowing OW.

I'm sorry, but I disagree with you.

You all are right about the drama, though. I do need to take myself out.

No, you are not a girlfriend you are an OW, a mistress, a little action on the side. That you got that way through lies is no fault of yours. BUT, by NOT letting his W know you are allowing him to continue his evil. Are you your brother's keeper?

I know what God says.

You KNOW in your heart what the right thing to do is. Your mind, however is talking you out of it. Pep's plan outline is right on the money...it'll save your conscience and your soul. The right thing to do isn't usually the easiest, but when it's all said and done it's the one that allows you sleep easy at night.

Karma happens. Bad karma comes around and gets you double what you delt out (or allowed to "happen").

- Kimmy

What are you talking about "losing my life"???
I think you mean "losing my job".... but your wording is unclear.

Are you still seeing this man? Does he know you know he is married and has another OW, besides yourself?

Pep

I am the wife of an MD! I WISH someone would have told me about his affair! People hid it from me and still do...if someone knows something, they do not let me in on it! PLEASE just call the wife! This man has TWO OW's, and who knows how many more, and one of those OW"s is MARRIED and one is YOU! Do the RIGHT thing...do the MORAL thing and call the WIFE NOW! Do not hide this from her any longer..you will feel much better...yes, she will be hurt, but she will be able to deal with it...

It is NOT your probnlem what happens after you expose this to her...it is THEIR problem! So call her and step back...Do not be afraid of hurting his wife...HE is the one who is hurting her!

Look up wrongful termination

You cannot be fired from your job because of something you do in your off work hours .... unless what you do is a criminal act.

Your integrity hinges on your behaving in an upstanding and forthright manner to correct this wrong where you have been a participant in adultery.

If you hide from speaking the truth of your involvement to the betrayed wife, you become that very thing which you despise in the MD's character. A coward.

You do this for yourself. Stand up for what is good and right. Self-esteem is restored by being brave in this way.

Pep

That's the point De-lande. I WANT to tell her. That has been my intent the whole time. I just want to find a SAFE way to do it. And I'm offended by 'getting some on the side' comment. I had no idea until this weekend when PI investigated. It's Tuesday for God's sake. I have not 'been' with MD since I found out about OW or W. I do have SOME integrity.

I have decided that I am going to have one of the men at the PI agency call wife and OW H. I know it is not preferable, but I still want to keep my name out of it. They will let her know about the one A and that there are probably others. If W or OW H wants to investigate, they can. I am out of the situation at this point.

I know many of you don't understand, but that way, W knows and OW H knows. And I have a chance at not risking my job. That doesn't mean that I still won't suffer consequences with my job. He could still find out.

I do mean losing my job. But losing the job would require a move, new friends, new support groups, etc. That is a big part of my life now.

I meant that's the way HE'S looking at it. It is offensive, imo....that someone uses people in such a way.

I know that's what he's thinking b/c when my dh cleaned up and defogged, he told me that was what he was thinking. He said he never thought he'd get caught....

You are far better than "something on the side"!

I'm VERY glad that you have a plan now so that the BW/BH find out.

- Kimmy