There have been a lot of mentions of spouses being conflict avoiders. W is basically one, too.<P>Is there a cure for this? For those of you married(past or present) to conflict avoiders, what does it take to vanquish this scourge?

I wish I had an answer for your question. It would certainly make my life easier. I guess in my case the scourge was vanquished when H walked out the door. He told me he was going to break it off (lesson don't ever ever let the S do that in person) avoided conflict with me tell me what I wanted to hear. He couldn't do it avoid conflict with her by staying! I am not sure there is acure but if you find one let me know. Sorry I couldn't be of help.

Boy oh, boy, Heartpain! When someone can give us the answers I am going to shout Hurray as loud as I can!<P>But living with a conflict avoider is hard, isn't it? I mean - nothing gets resolved. It just moves on. And WE have to find a way to empty that bag of poop that we've been stashing everything in for the sake of peace. Yuck. Never easy. <P>Isn't life grand.<P>Seriously, I have learned a couple of things on how to cope while living with them - is to realize that they do not have the skills to resolve the conflict. And they are afraid of either themselves, or the blame. <P>Sometimes when the conflict avoiders realize that the pain they cause in certain situations that they've ignored (like visiting their children because they are a conflict avoider) - when that pain of not seeing their children is larger than the pain of the conflict, then they seem to move.<P>They aren't much in the way of prevention of problems. But they are the best at sweeping it under the rug, aren't they?<BR>

I guess that is what I am hoping for. I hoping that his pain of not seeing his family and hopefully of not being with me is greater then the pain of conflict ( getting rid of OW ) Sometimes that is al we can hope for. The difference in pain to make them deal with life.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

I'm the queen of non confrontation, but I am the betrayed.<P>This affair and realizing how issues I thought had faded away popped back up when H was in justification mode, showed my the need for a cure...although I think the issues he brought up were mostly dead and he dredged them up because he didn't have a good reason to do what he did.<P>Even so, I started reading books and I held my own feet to the fire. I realized that H could say something and mean just what he said and I would "hear" something completely different that I would take negatively and personally...and I would back down and lick my imaginary wounds. Now I stick around to hash the issue out even if it is not natural or fun.<P>My H is a conflict avoider, too...we trade roles sometimes. He has been good about sticking around to resolve issues when I point out that we are avoiding conflict and we need to keep up the discussion. <P>I think the conflict avoider has to realize what he is doing and want to change.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<BR>I think I'm a lot like you. My w is always angry about something so I withdraw unless she attacks me and then I attack back. She then withdraws. Usually when she is upset I just avoid her and she sees it as neglecting her, which I guess it is. I'm finding this out thru counseling and I plan to work on not avoiding conflict. Maybe I'll have better luck with next person in my life.

I just checked my email, and guess what I got in the mail? This month's MB newsletter. If you don't have this newsletter, go back and subscribe for it. It is great.<P>The subject is resolving conflict in marriage! Really!<P>Harley's approach is simple, I can't believe we didn't come up with it ourselves. <P>Work on building love, and not on resolving conflicts. People divorce more because there is a lack of love, regardless how many conflicts they have..... <P>Go read the article, it is great. It is so great, I am going to tuck it into my husband's front seat tomorrow, with a note for him to read it. I printed it off, 8 pages, but worth it.<BR>

I'll check it out.<P>RWD...I think many times I've thought my H was critical when he saw it as being factual or "taking care of business" with no personal message attatched.<P>It happened last night...H grumpily said he hadn't gotten enough sleep all this week and I took it to mean he thought I was at fault. How dumb. It was our daughter's Bday and we had guests. I got quiet and a while later H asked if I was alright. The old me would not have attacked, but would have been defensive which would have invited the downward spiral. Instead when he asked I took him aside and quietly told him. He hugged me and assured me that is not what he meant. Crisis avoided. Funny thing is tonight when he was already in bed he said something like I don't like him to get enough sleep. Old me would have been really defensive. New me said...do you really believe what you just said? He thought and said, no...I'm just tired, that was stupid. (I think he's got a sleep disorder which I actually think does add stress to our marriage)<P>Anyway, we are doing better at this...but it is not easy...is it?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13