Hi to everyone who remembers me...it took me awhile to figure out how to post on this new forum!

I hope someone can help me! I've had a tough week or so since the forum was down and then trying to figure out how to post.

Still trying to work on my marriage, but I had a bad setback right as the forum went down. To review my past. D Day was 12/29/04, but I have had a few other "good-byes" with the OM which was an online EA. Last mutual contact with the OM was 3/11/05. Well, I was doing ok and fine with the NC, but a few weeks after that the OM posted on the forum that I regularly read and where we had met. This really threw me into almost an emotional breakdown as I did not want to see his words, let alone see his words as he chatted to others on this forum. The OM and I had talked about not posting on this forum again and yet he goes ahead and does so with the same name he had used before (the least he could have done was get a new name so I didn't know it was him!). I was so upset that I sent him an email to let him know how upset I was. He did not respond. He posted a few more times after and has not posted since. I know I should not even look there right!!!

Anyways, he has not contacted me and I really believe that there will be no further contact from him or me contacting him.

The next issue is that I have not yet told my H about the further contacts with the OM. As far as he knows, the last contact was on 12/30. I know I need to tell him and it has been on my heart to do so, but I just don't know how to do so. I know it will set us both back tremendously as the last week has not been going so great with the both of us. I need ideas and help on how to do this!

Hi 2BNormal! I'm so glad you made it back here. I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how it was going. Sounds like NC was going pretty well until recently. You're getting there!

I think you know the answer to your first question. In fact you said it:


Yep. Avoid that forum like the plague itself. Then it won't matter if he posts there or not. You might miss your other friends there, but it's a small price to pay for not feeling the pain of "seeing" OM there, right? Pretty selfish of OM to do that....hmmm, what does that tell you about his character? Does that speak volumes?

I know you were mad at him, but no more e-mails and stuff, ok? You're done with him, so who cares what he does or doesn't do. He can't hurt you unless you take the bait. He probably put the bait out on purpose, but don't take it, o.k.?

Because....it leads to your second issue. Contact with OM hurts your H immeasurably. When I came clean, I did it all at once....every single detail, no matter how ugly. It was awful and I hope I never have to do that again. Be honest, but maybe start off by telling him how much your M means to you and how sorry you are for everything. Make a commitment to him that from this day forward, you will be completely honest with him...and keep your word.

I already know you have courage. So, use it today and just know that after all is said and done, living in honesty will feel a whole lot better than how you feel now. He might be mad and that's ok, he has the right to be mad. He loves you and wants to feel you love him more than anyone on earth. Tell him that with words and actions.

Hope this helps. It's hard to give advice without sounding preachy. Don't mean to preach. Hang in there. You really are doing very well and I know just how hard your road is.

Write if you need to vent.
GS

2B-

Glad you're able to post again as well. This is Owl...had to change my handle to post here anymore.../sigh.

Totally on the money that you should not contact the OM in ANY WAY...the email you sent to him telling him how angry you are counts as contact.

As far as owning up to your husband....break down, and flat out sit down with him and tell him EVERYTHING. Explain why you didn't tell him it all at first, but let him know that you don't view those 'reasons' as valid excuses. You do realize that you're going to have to 'fess up about the forum, and subsequent email to him as well, yes?

My wife's final email exchange with her OM happened in a way that lead to her letting me know about it. She sent him a virtual Father's Day card, even though she'd sent her NC letter to him the week prior...an email that I followed up with one of my own, to him and her, asking him to walk away. She broke down the nite she sent that final email to him, and told me about it...partially because she was worried I'd find out about it on my own, but also because she felt so guilty about it that she couldn't stand it. I didn't blow up on her, didn't go off...I thanked her for finally being honest with me.

You need to do the same in your marriage. Hopefully your husband can react in the same fashion that I did. Remember...ANY contact of any kind resets the clock on when the affair ended in your husband's eyes, no matter how you feel on it. Trust me...I've been there!

Hi gentlesoul and Karegh (Owl!)! Thanks for responding. OK I need to fess up that I sent another email on Friday to the OM saying I was sorry for the email of the previous week of being upset. Still no response from him and OK I will not email him ANYMORE!! Please keep asking me and checking on me, but I am not planning to! I was really upset and quite angry with the OM when he posted on the forum. The topic that he posted on could have been discussed anywhere as it was regarding Terri Shiavo, which is why I believe he is done posting now. I was so angry that I tailed on the end of one of his posts to make my point to him! I did tell my H that I saw his posts on there and that I was upset. He was upset and his response was to not look there! And he also agreed that it was wrong of the OM to post there using the same name! I don't feel the OM posted on there to hurt me, but I do think it was insensitive of him to post using the same name KNOWING FULL WELL that I do look there and read there!!

OK about telling my H...this will be very difficult but I know I have to do it. The contacts that I had with the OM since D-Day were in no way the same as the contacts while the EA was in full swing. We said good-bye about 3 times after D-Day and I had asked him what his W knew and about his family. Never any words of "love" mentioned at all. I know it's still contact and that I need to let my H know and I was planning to tell him what the context of our communication was. Is this a good idea Karegh?

As Homer J. Simpson would say...."Doh!" Just had to give you a little bit of a hard time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Next time you feel the need to contact OM, write here instead. We'll talk you out of it. I've got a list of "45 reasons not to call" here at my desk that I used to read all the time. I'll be glad to share anytime.
GS

2BNormal,

I was wondering about you and I’m also glad you made it back here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />I was on leave for a while and when I returned to these boards everything changed and it took me a while to figured everything out. What a frustration! Anyway, I just want to say you received very good advice from gentlesoul & Karegh and I agree with them 100%. Please put all the advice into practice. I understand this is hard and some of the things you need to do will take much willpower & courage, but it's something you need to do if you want you, your H and your M to recover.

Yes, you need to come clean with your H on everything…

[color:"blue"] You CAN do this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Blessings and prayers to you,
Suzet

Hi Suzet! It's good to hear from you! I hope you had a nice vacation!

Yes, coming clean with the contact with my H is what I need to do, but I'm still chicken...or sometimes I still feel like it's my way of holding on to the OM. Trying to justify to myself that he may contact me again!

I am really glad I started to read here again and posted yesterday because over the weekend I had some CRAZY idea that I was going to call the OM yesterday since he didn't reply to my email! I am sooooo glad I didn't! I was thinking yesterday and I know in my heart that the OM did not reply to my emails because he is finally being strong and now I HAVE to be just as strong for my marriage and for the OM to be strong in his marriage!

2B-

You're doing some of the right things, my friend. Now it's time to do the rest of them.

You've acknowledged that your reasons for the emails were in a hope to get the OM to respond to you...recognizing that weakness is the first step. What you need to do now is to work on what you're going to do to prevent yourself from giving in to that weakness. First, you need to make it so that the OM CAN'T contact you, even if he wanted to. Change your email account to a new one that he won't know...and deactivate the old one so you can't see if he's sent you anything. Give your husband access to ALL of your email accounts, phone records, voice/text mail, etc..., and ASK him to look at them periodically...that should help you keep the temptation at bay. At the same time, it will reassure your husband a LOT to be able to PROVE to himself that you're not in contact with the OM...trust me, I KNOW how that feels.

When you do this, sit down with your husband and TELL him about the emails you've sent, tell him when the last contact was, and tell him WHY you're making these changes now. Talk with him...he may be angry at first, but stress to him how important it is to YOU that the contact be ended and the whole thing be out in the open.

Trust me when I tell you this...it's the lies and deception that are the real pain-maker in an emotional affair. I'm speaking from my own personal experience...I'm coming up on our 11 month anniversary of our D-day. This time last year, my life was all a lie. My marriage was a hoax. But...it's not that way NOW!!!

Make your marriage an honest one...make it one to be proud of. You're not proud of what you did....good. You shouldn't be. But...you CAN be proud of what you've done from this moment forward.

So...I'm looking for a response on your thread today telling me that you're going to have this discussion with your husband tonite. The longer you put it off, the more excuses you'll be able to find for not having it. Time to make it happen my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah...and QUIT GOING BACK TO THAT FORUM YOU'RE OM IS ON!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Owl (sorry I can't think of you by another name, can you find a way to go back? haha),

This is a little on the same subject, but really kind of a threadjack. Sorry 2BNormal, I'll make it quick.

A few weeks ago we were on the same thread and the discussion was about momentos from the A and throwing them away. Some ladies on the thread had them, including myself, but hadn't thrown them away. I still have mine, put away for weeks and I haven't looked at them, and my H knows of their existence.

You asked a question that has stuck with me since...."If not now, when?" I just wanted to thank you for question. I'm throwing them away now. Why WOULD it be better later to throw them away instead of now? Rhetorical question to myself not you, cuz you already know the answer. Keeping the momentos does nothing but risk hurting my H, who I love very much. He said it was o.k. to keep them, but it really isn't. They are history.

Thanks for advice. Didn't buy it when I heard it, but it sunk in later into thick FWW-skull. You are wise like an Owl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gentlesoul-

I'm very glad to hear that I've actually maybe in some small way assisted someone else. One last thing...let your husband know what you've done. Let him know WHY you were able to let them go, and what it means to you. He'll appeciate that honesty, and hopefully see this as a step forward in your recovery.

And as I said before...the 'owl' name in my case had nothing to do with being wise...sometimes I wish it did. If I were truly wise, I wouldn't have struggled in my own marriage, now would I? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (and I have no idea how to fix my old 'owl' login so it works...that's why I had to move to a new one).

KK, back to you, 2B! Your turn my friend!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Karegh, Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your words coming from the BS point of view.


This will be a tough step for me to deactivate the email account! It's easier for me to not write than to actually deactivate it right now. To be completely honest, the OM and I still have each other's passwords for these email accounts that we used. These last few months, we were so deceitful that instead of actually sending the email to each other's account, we would write in our own accounts and then I could read his and he could read what I wrote on mine. Anything to make us "feel" as if we are not really writing to each other because with that deception we could say to ourselves..."well I didn't email him"...which technically I didn't, I emailed myself! I know brilliant right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> More deceit, More LIES!!

So when I sit down and talk to my husband, then I need to tell him all of the wonderful deception? Do I need to tell him exactly what the context of the emails were? From a BS point of view, did you want to know? Also, these emails...that I wrote to "myself" and he wrote to "himself"...I moved to another account to save. So do I tell my husband that??



I know this to be true for my husband as well. The lies and deception were the worst for him.



I can't promise that it will happen tonight. We have 2 teenage daughters at home, and I need to be alone with my huband when I tell him all. And I need to bulld courage. And I need to really delete the pics I still have saved and the emails I still have saved!



Yes I KNOW!! I did look again, but he has not posted anymore.

gentlsoul, I am glad that you are throwing away the momentos!! I know for myself...since my story is a bit complicated with having another OM before this OM that I am trying to get over....I still had some momentos from the 1st OM and I told my H about it some time after D-Day. I gave the momentos to my H for him to throw away. It's really hard for me to throw things away, so by giving it to my H, it really helped me. Now...just to get over this current situation and to delete emails and pics. Maybe I will just have to have my H do that as well!

Yes.

You already realize that it's the lies and deception that hurts your husband the most...so continuing to hold on to those lies, that deception, will just make the hurt that much greater the longer you hold on.

He needs to know what you did, and how you did it. He needs this both to help him 'understand the affair' (which in truth he'll never actually get to, but it's a major drive for most BS's), and to know how to keep all of this from happening again.

Let me be blunt...you're not wanting to hold on to all of this out of some desire to protect your husband...you're wanting to do that to protect yourself. You don't want to admit to the ongoing deception, you don't want to admit to him the lengths you'd gone to to keep him from knowing, because that just shows him that you know how wrong this was, but you did it anyway. And you don't want anyone to see you in that light, especially not the man who's still by your side after all of this. But...he already knows that. He already knows the general gist of what you've done...by telling him all the details (if he wants to know them), you're not giving him more 'ammo to use against you'...you're taking the steps to get the air clean between you two.

So, here's what you do... Access the OM's email account, and leave an email there asking him to change the password so that you can no longer log in...AND copy your husband on that email as well. Do this AFTER you've talked with your husband tho...so that he knows what you're doing and is part of that!


So end them NOW. Make them stop, so he doesn't spend the all of his time scared to death not knowing when something ELSE is going to come up that he doesn't know about. Again, you'll be amazed at what it feels like to finally get out from underneath the weight of all of them.


Then schedule it. Call him now, before you get the chance to talk yourself out of it, and tell him that you and he HAVE to sit down together tonite after the girls are in bed. Tell him that it's absolutely important that the two of you work together to do something to help you both recover from this. Tell him that you love him, and that this isn't a bad thing, that's really a step in the right direction.

Then, make tonite a good nite. You're going to be scared to death, but do your best to make the evening pleasent for all of you. Wrap up with the girls, and then sit down at the computer, and talk with your husband. Tell him the truth about it all...tell him that you've decided to delete the things that you were holding on to, but you know that it's time to move on. BE LOVING, BE SUPPORTIVE AND UNDERSTANDING...and ask him to be the same. Tell him how scared you've been of doing this, and of letting him know the full truth, but that you trust him to understand and to help you get over this. Then show him what you're doing...let him see you delete the emails and the pics...don't open them unless he asks you too...but let him see them disappear.

Tell him how you two have been communicating, tell him what lead to the last round, and what lead you to realize that this has to stop NOW...then write the email that I proposed. Make it an NC letter again if you need to.

And when it's all done...make sure that there are NO MORE SECRETS LEFT....hold him, let him hold you, and cry it out. And if he reacts in anything other than getting mad, thank him for understanding, and for helping you. And if he gets mad, tell him you understand why he's upset, but let him know that this is the END of the secrets, and there are no more left. If he's the kind of man I suspect he is, that will sink in.

Lastly....don't start any new secrets. NO MORE EMAILS, NO MORE CALLS...NO GOING TO THE FORUM YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T. Keep that slate clean...because it's THAT slate that he's going to be looking at from now on.

I really hope you don't take this post as antagonistic. I don't mean to be. I want you to understand that I really do get how you're feeling, and that I'm really just trying to motivate you to do what you need to in order to move on.

Good luck friend...please let me know that you're going to start working on this NOW.

Keregh, OK I do understand what I need to do. I am scared, but I know it has to be done. I most likely won't be on the rest of the day. I tried posting a response but I lost it!! I do like the idea of leaving an email for the OM to let him know to change his password. Funny thing is the OM had suggested changing our passwords about a month ago as a way of protecting me, but I just could not do it then!

Just to let you know the conversation with my H most likely won't happen tonight. I will try to arrange and schedule the time this weekend when my daughters are out of the house hopefully. Thank you for all of your words! They really help and are sinking in to what I must do!

2Bnormal, you need to tell your H everything in the sense that you must not keep anything of main importance a secret from him. IMO the WS/FWS must give the BS all the main and most important information and details about the A and then leave it up to the BS to ask questions about the finer details like the exact contents of e-mails between you and OM etc. When your H asks you specific questions and details, it is important that you answer his questions and provide the information as accurate and honest as possible. If he asks something, don’t lie, minimize or try to hide the truth from him. But it’s also important that you just give him the details he request - nothing less and nothing more. The reason I’m saying this is because BS’s differ in how much information they want to know about the A. Some BS’s want to know everything in the finest detail, and others don’t want to know these specific details at all because some feel too much information can hamper their recovery and ability to forgive and recover from it. Therefore, it’s up to the BS to decide how much information they can handle and the WS/FWS must not try to force too much information on the BS if they are not willing to hear it. Therefore, just give your H the main and most important details about your A and then give him the lead in the further, finer details.

Suzet

Suzet, I understand what you are saying. This is how I handled it when I first told my H everything. When he asked, I told him the information he wanted to know. While the context of these last emails with the OM were not like when the EA was going on, I would not even mind showing them to my H to show to him that it was not. I think it may be why I still have them saved. I'm not too sure he would want to read the OM's words though.

I'm still scared and actually started to cry last night just thinking about all of this! It's hard because I know this is the final "letting go" of the OM. There will be "no more" and "no possibility" of communication. It's like I took all these little steps the last few months after D-Day, but could not let go totally. I was holding onto to the memory of it all. There is absolutely no communication between the OM and I right now, and I believe it will stay this way. I really believe he decided to be strong in this.

The only way I can share this with my H is when we are in the house alone with no kids and I don't know when that may happen anytime soon.

Bingo 2BN! You just identified a huge key here. Good for you. Hurts though, doesn't it? You cared for FOM and it's over. I know, I've been there. It's hard to say goodbye and know that it is forever. You are SO doing the right thing for your M and your children....and for you too. Your life will be rich and rewarding, and will give you much more happiness than the on-line A could ever do.

In awhile, you'll feel a lot better about this....especially when you look back to the point in time when you opened up to your H and threw away all the junk related to the A. It is a defining moment in time for you. Approach it decisiveness and strength, so you can look back with pride to the time you and your H came together and began recovery.

Good luck and write if you need to vent!
GS

2B-

If you're not sure when it will happen, then you need to MAKE that time. Please, please understand that this is CRITICAL to your marriage, and it IS time sensitive. If you wait several days or weeks to finally get all this out in the open, you're going to turn this from being a possible positive thing with your husband to a major setback....do NOT put this off.

I told you about when my wife told me about her last lapse where she sent an email to her OM. She didn't come out and tell me...I could tell something was wrong, and coaxed it out of her. If I had found out days or weeks later, there is no way I would have been supportive or loving about it...I would have been angry that she was STILL keeping secrets from me!

I can understand that it's hard...at this point, you STILL haven't given up the OM, and your husband doesn't know that. You have GOT to take this step, or this is just going to go on and on and on...and like I said, it's possible it could be a deal buster between you and your husband if you don't get it done soon.

I won't keep badgering you about this anymore. I've made my point, and I know you understand what I've said. At this point, it's up to you as an adult to make your own choices.

Last thought- You have two teenaged daughters...just as I have four teenagers living at home myself. My crew has been aware of the whole thing from d-day...it was impossible to hide. Have you given some thought about what kind of good it could do them to SEE the two of you work this out? Just a thought.

gentlsoul, you are right. It's over and there is no reason to hold on to any of this! I see that your D-Day was close to mine however you have had NC since correct? My D-Day was close to yours....but....there was still contact and that is why it is hard for me. I wish now I would have stuck to NC back then! I know what I must do!

Karegh, I understand what you are saying. My H has no clue of the contact since 12/29 though. This will be very tough for him! It wasn't like I just slipped up yesterday or last week. It has been over the last 3 months!

I am thinking that I must not wait as you say. I must not wait until everything is "just right". We are to go to church tonight alone, so I may suggest that instead of doing so that we take a drive somewhere so we can talk.

Also, my teenage daughters know nothing. We have kept it all hidden from them. They may have seen arguing in the past, but don't know why.

Karegh, I do thank you for your wisdom on this!

2B-

Don't forget to sit with him afterwards and take all the steps we've talked about there as well. Deleting the emails and pics, the email to the OM requesting he change his password, deleting your original email account, etc... I know it really sounds painful, but it's going to be the 'proof' of your words to your husband. After the revelation that you've continued contact with the OM, you need to show him that you MEAN it this time...by taking irrevocable steps to MAKE that happen. Also, give him access to all your means of communication...texting, cell phone, etc... Suggest he consider a keylogger program or something similar...and let him know that it's NOT to catch you re-establishing contact with the OM...it's to SHOW him that you mean it and it will stick.

You're going to have to re-build the trust that was destroyed. It takes work, and it takes time. You're going to have to prove to him that you ARE trustworthy now...and these are some good steps to make that happen.

My wife HAS re-established trust...FAR sooner than either of us would have believed possible. Again, mostly because she's taken these steps. The keylogger was HER suggestion to me.

I'll think of you tonite, and I'll stop and pray for you, your husband, and your marriage. Good luck my friend!