OK OK!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know what I have to do! I replied over on Card's thread that the first step will be to tell my husband of the note from the OM and then proceed from there. I purposely left the OM's email marked as unread so the OM would think I haven't read it yet and not delete it. This way I can show my husband the email. I KNOW that if I left it as read , the OM would delete it and I may change my mind!

Hi 2BN-

(sigh) We know K is right, and he eloquently pointed out that all those little pieces are pieces our H doesn't have of us. Since I still have some "little pieces" to take care of myself, I feel in no position to hit you with a 2 x4. I'll let K do that!!! BUT, by keeping those joint email boxes, etc and being able to see activity in them is just impeding your withdrawal. You're getting your fix by checking them and seeing what is "going on" with OM & W. Maybe not technically CONTACT, it is still doing a number on you and acting like contact. Maybe make a list of all those "pieces" and quantify them, so you can start marking them off and ridding yourself of them-I need to do the same.

I know you wanted to hear about the issue in OM's life that you were concerned about, but even revisiting that in your mind will make you go back and think of conversations, think of his life, his family, etc, etc, etc. The more we keep going back to those things, the more we are put in positions of temptation for contact (I know this, because I have done it!!!!). Don't re-addict yourself!

If your H believes that everything has been deleted & wiped off the pc, you will have to come clean about these other things. Certainly he should know about the email.

You know that I know how hard this is, but we want rewarding & fulfilling M's,right? It will be worth the efforts. We HAVE to do these things to get over the hump and rebuild our M's.

Hi Cards - I only have a second to write here, but I wanted to thank you for your encouragement. We both know what we need to do don't we?!!

That email this morning from the OM just hit me that I need to do something especially after yesterday with me feeling ready to change the passwords on the email accounts! Strange how things happen that that email came today!!

I went ahead and printed the email out to show my husband...hopefully tonight, but we'll see how the evening goes. I'll give an update on Monday as I don't get on here much over the weekend. Let's keep encouraging each other to move on and do the right thing for our M's!!

Well, since I've already shown you the stick, let me share with you the carrot.

Yesterday I called in sick. The darn meds had me literally up all nite long, so I was exhausted and ill. My wife really felt bad for me, I had bags under my eyes like tennis balls. NOT A PRETTY SITE!! LOL

I worked from home for a bit, and finally got a little sleep that let me get functional for a little while around noon. I'd suggested that we get a shower, and my wife asked me if I'd mind helping clean the bathrooms while we were at it. In the past, I would have balked, not wanted to, whatever. This time, I didn't mind helping out, and we scrubbed both showers and bathrooms like they'd never been done before. It took a lot longer than I'd thought, and I was pretty beat, but we made a game out of it and actually had a BLAST working together doing it.

She was/is sooooo greatful for it, it's hard for me to believe it. I admit, they look awesome, and it would have been hard for her to do on her own. But it was such a huge deposit in her LB for that bit of work (and fun!) that it's hard for me to imagine that I would have totally done the opposite thing in the past. Instead of LBing her by not helping, I actually made her day simply by lending a hand. She called me at work today again, just to thank me for helping her.

My point is that once you get things back on track, it'll be amazing how different you can make your relationship with your spouse if you try. I wanted to share this with you all so that you can see that things CAN change for the better. It sounds to me like both of you, Cards and 2B, have a good foundation to start from.

Have a great weekend friends. I will pray for you both and for your families, simply asking that God's will be done in both of your situation.

OWL IS BACK!!! LOL

Turns out that another thread solved my problem with my original screen name. So now I can use my "Owl" login again! Sorry if I confuse anyone, but I'm glad to be able to use the name I'm really used to.

OWL!! Glad you have your name back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I shared the email with my husband Friday night. I had it printed out and I read it to him and gave it to him. I explained to him how the OM and I still have each other's passwords and how the communication had happened through our emails. I had tried to explain this to him a few weeks ago when I confessed the continued communications to my husband, but my husband is really not too "email smart" and he really didn't understand. So it took me alot of explaining for him to understand and "get it". Of course he was angry about this and he was angry about the note the OM left. It was not a pretty night, but then again, I did not expect it to be. I told my husband that I wish all of this to end and to tell the OM to change his password and I will do the same. My husband wanted to call the OM right then and there, but he calmed down a bit and didn't.

Saturday we still went to breakfast. My husband still wanted to take me, but it wasn't very pleasant considering the circumstances. We talked some more about it after and I still tried to explain how the email thing worked. I had asked him if we could write the email by the end of the day to the OM. He agreed and we did so late Saturday. I basically just asked the OM to change his password, told him my husband knew of our continued communications and that he was dissappointed. I stated that my husband and I wish that all communications end. I also copied my husband's email on the email so the OM knows that my husband was involved with this email. Well, the OM still has not checked that email yet. (I just looked now!) My husband does know that I'm checking to see when the password has been changed.

My husband is having a hard time for sure now. I know it's hard for him to feel comfortable with me because this has dragged on for so long. Not only with this OM but the previous one. I told him I wish to gain complete trust in me, but at this time it is hard for him. I know he is putting up walls with me, and I'm not sure how this will happen honestly! I know how much I have hurt him but by hanging on to all of this!

My husband is planning on calling the OM this morning at his work to reinforce the email I sent. He says it will make him feel that he had an active part in stopping this. I am not sure how that will go and especially since the OM has not read the email yet.

Also, I have deleted that site that OM goes to off of my favorites and have taken of the OM's W s/n off my IM here at work so it is not tempting for me to look. These are steps I know I have to take to get through this and move past this. Cards, I do feel better about getting rid of all of this and writing that email to the OM. It took telling my husband to "make" me do it, because on my own, I am weak! I know this is hard for you as well to get rid of all of those "little pieces", but it is really the only way our M's will move forward. You will get there like me, but please think about my situation and try not to let it drag out as long as I did. It was painful. All of this is painful to let go of, but we can only move forward if we let go!


Edited to add that the OM just checked my email and has changed his password!! I feel a relief right now!

2B-

Glad that you were able to take these steps my friend. It sounds to me like you're doing the right things here. Being able to see this through your husband's eyes will do you a lot of good here in trying to help him deal with his pain and distrust right now.

Now that EVERYTHING is out in the open and there should be no more further 'discoveries' that your husband may have to deal with (and I'd recommend that you think long and hard about any other possible things that would hurt him if he found out about later), it should just be a matter of time for you to DEMONSTRATE your trustworthiness to him now. I'm not going to kid you here...this is going to take TIME. And you really need to realize one last thing...your relationship with your husband will NEVER go back to being exactly what it was before d-day. You have both changed as a result of this event...so what you both need to do after this is to re-discover each other, what those changes were, and to help build this NEW relationship between you.

Hang in there friend...and be proud of yourself for doing the right thing here!!

Owl - I realize this will be a long process for my husband and me. There has been so many mistrusts and lies that kept going on for a very long time. I know our M is forever changed by this. It saddens me in many ways when I think of this and that I'm the cause of it, but we can only try to move forward. I really would like to go back to MC, but my husband is not feeling that he wants to. Yesterday I started to re-read the book "Torn Asunder" which my husband and I read together back in January. I want to re-read through some things that may help me process what my husband may be feeling and what can be done to help us move forward and really think about what I've learned from all of this.

To follow up on this morning, my husband left a message on the OM's voicemail for the OM to call him. The OM returned the call shortly afterward. My husband said the conversation was brief and that the OM only wanted to tie up the loose ends (with his email) of the issue with his son with me and that he was not looking for continued communications. That was my feeling from the email as well, and I had communicated that to my husband this weekend. The OM also had told my husband that he had wanted to change our passwords a few months ago but I was the one not willing to, and that he had acted wrongly in his judgement to listen to me. I had already told this information to my husband. The OM told my husband that we shall never hear from him again. I know this helped my husband tremendously to hear that.

I was still in the OM's email account this morning when the OM read my email, and I could "watch" as he deleted my email as well as his email to me. It was a good closure for me to see that happen and then he promptly changed the password as I had requested. I also told my husband all of the information to let him know the OM was not hanging onto anything of mine.

I am really feeling a big release to not feel tempted anymore with checking on the OM now that this is out in the open and that I cannot check his email anymore. It was the step I NEEDED to take.

2BN-

Something positive for you to consider....

Change isn't always bad. And all the changes in your marriage won't be bad either. My wife and I just had a wonderful weekend together. I picked up a couple more flowers to plant in pots, and we got them all planted and setup yesterday. Then, we spent about an hour sitting on the swing out in the backyard together...not talking, not a sullen silence...just content to be with each other.

This time last year, my wife would spend time in the back yard sitting on the swing in the rain. Thinking of the OM, thinking of all the problems in our M, and with our family. This year, we've spent a lot of time out there together, in the sun, just being with each other. She's not sat in the rain once yet this year. Our backyard has kind of become a symbol of the changes in our lives...we keep it clean and pretty looking, so that we can ENJOY it together, not use it as an escape or a place to go when we're down.

Our relationship now is BETTER than it was a year ago, by far. Yes, I'm still dealing with some pain, and it does upset her to know that I've started taking ADs. She feels like that's all her fault. It's not. But we spend sooo much more time together. We talk. We are closer now than we had been in YEARS...and it shows.

I don't want to go through what happened again. I don't know that I could. But I am VERY happy with how it ended at least...because we are now where we are supposed to be! God had his hand in this, I have no doubts!

Keep that in mind, my friend. Pray that God's will happen in all of this, let Him guide where your marriage should go. And remember that things may change, and they won't ever be the same...but that doesn't mean that they can't get better!!

Owl, thanks for the encouragement to know how much better things will get. I think the biggest thing I think about when I say how our marriage has changed is that I can never say that I was faithful to my husband all of our marriage. Yes, I can be faithful to him from here on out, but it saddens me when I think of my unfaithfulness to him where he has been so faithful to me. I hope that I won't always dwell on that and try to look at our future together and what our marriage can become!

2BN,

It should sadden you 2BN. However, there are things you can do to relieve this sadness. It will take time, years, decades actually <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, but you two can LEARN how to LOVE one another at levels you never had before. Noticed I used the verb "love", not the concept of "in love" feelings.

There is really no way to "make up" to your H what you have done, just as he cannot "make up" to you where he has failed the marrige. However, you two can decide to "make" your marriage something that rewards and sustains both of you.

It will take patience, planning, and care. I would like to urge you to not only reread the books you have, as you say you are doing, but to reread Harley's four rules for a good marriage. If you do nothing else discuss these rules with your H, and using "radical honesty" and the POJA, decide how each of you will strive to live by those rules.

Finally, you are going to be coming out of the last of the fog. Your views of things will change and yes the messages in the books you have will take on new meaning. It is my personal opinion that as you take more actions, such as discussing the four rules, plans, and boundaries, your H will begin to relax and trust will return to your marriage.

I know you know this is not going to be an easy thing, but I think you will be surprised to see how "simple" it can be to rebuild as your H heals, you heal, and you both to use the things you learn. Just remember something being "simple" does not mean it is "easy". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But, you are on your way.

You have done well by getting rid of the contact points as Owl, glad you changed the name Owl I can spell it much easier. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You are now ready for the road to recovery. I think you and your H will be successful.

God Bless,

JL

2BN-

I am SO impressed by you following through on all the pc & e-mail issues. Sorry it has taken me this long to congratulate you, but I ran out of time earlier today. I am so happy for you and also I am glad about how it is making you feel. You should feel great that you had the strength to do this! You are stronger now than before both EA's started. Now you and your H can truly know that you are committed to your M.

I am envious of where you are - at a fresh, new starting point with your H. Your H seems amazing that he is so committed and by your side in all these steps. It was just a few days ago that you felt so obsessed with checking on OM - now look at you! I hope that your strength gives me the courage to follow in your steps.

GREAT JOB 2BN!

JL, Thanks for the encouragement. I will take your advice and re-read Harley's four rules for a good marriage. I want to re-read everything now as I think my perspective will be quite different than it was a few months ago!

Cards, thank you for the encouragement as well. I KNOW you will get where I am. I really didn't think I could let go of having the OM's password and visa versa, but I HAD to come to that realization that it had to happen. I was telling my husband last night...what was I thinking that I was going to check that email the rest of my life???? It was time to let go. Even as I keep thinking of everywhere I have traces of the OM, I still remember "one more place" that I have to delete. I really was obssessed with not losing any contact information and I broke down and told my husband all of this last night and about how I was making sure all traces of the OM are gone! He would never find them nor does he really understand where I have these "traces" hidden, but I needed him to know that. I still remembered I have something in my work email inbox that I have to delete and even told him that. There is just a picture of the OM's house being built that he sent me in September that I still have in my work inbox!!! I'm deleting it as soon as I get to work this morning!

The email the OM sent yesterday for my husband to ask for forgiveness and to have a final closure was one I think the OM needed for himself. I know he was left "speechless" when he was on the phone with my husband. The OM told my husband that he registered a new name on the forum that we met and that this name has no connection whatsoever with his old s/n on the forum. I am really glad he took it upon himself to do that!

Dear 2BeNormal,

I know it’s a long time since I’ve last posted to you, but I just want to let you know I’m still following you closely and I feel very proud of you too! Keep up the good work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And o yes, get rid of any more “traces” of the OM you can think off! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Blessings and take care,
Suzet

Hi Suzet! It's good to hear from you again and I appreciate that you continued to follow my thread. You have been a great encouragement to me! It took me a long time it seems to get where I am at today, and I am VERY thankful for ALL on this site that have encouraged me and kept pointing me in the right direction with words that I needed to hear.

2B-

You really have come a long way my friend...and that is a lot of hard work on your part. Be proud of yourself. And of you and your husband both...it takes a strong couple to work through things like this, and the fact that the both of you have gotten to this point says a lot about you both!

The fact that you volunteered that last bit of information to your husband is a wonderful thing to. It shows now that you 'get it'...and THAT is what your husband really needs to see in order for his healing to move forward.

Be proud my friend! Hope you have a great day today!

Owl, Yes I am "getting it" now! After I told my husband that information last night, this morning he said PLEASE don't have any new information for me this Friday!! It seems as if all my new information to him always happened on a Friday and ruined our weekend. We definately have healing to do, but we will work through this and move forward!

2BN-

I can relate. In my case, shortly after d-day and when she didn't leave, every Monday she'd declare NC. And every week, right after MC, it would fail. We'd go to MC with her claiming that NC started again on Monday, but it would fail again each time. This went on for about a month. So I can imagine how your H feels.

But it sounds to me like you've turned the corner...it sounds as though you've thought of every possible thing, and you've got no more surprises left for him to deal with. If that's the case, then it seems to me that this week (and esp weekend) should be a celebration. Show him how happy you are to be out from under the weight of that deception!! Let him know how happy you are that you're still with him, and that he's dealt with this in such a great way.

And celebrate how far you've come, and how far your M has come!

Owl, yes I have "turned the corner"! There are no surprises left. I told my husband everything I could think of last night - including looking at the OM's W s/n and the other forum that I found the OM posted on. I had to get it all out so there is "nothing hidden" from him. It was all very emotional for me and it felt like it was the first D-Day all over again for me! I wanted it to be the last D-Day possible!


It's funny that you should say that we should be celebrating as I was thinking that myself today! I am so very HAPPY to be out of any deception that I had going on and that my H is right by my side to move forward together with me!