Okay - I have been on a serious emotional roller coaster the past two weeks and I finally figured out that I am reliving last year. Everything is like deja vu. It was at this time last year everything was coming to a head and I was seriously getting ready to ask my FWH to leave. He was denying and lying and I was tired of feeling like I was crazy and waiting for the bomb to drop any day.

Here is where I'm at and I sincerely hope that I can get some useful coping tips. First of all, my FWH has apologized over and over so why do I wonder at his sincerity? He refuses to come completely clean no matter how hard I try to make it safe and I know it just ain't gonna happen. Can you gain trust back when you know that someone is lying about details of an event? He acknowledges the affair and that it was wrong, but nothing beyond that.

Secondly, he has made tremendous efforts in becoming more active in the marriage and in parenting. Our kids now have a father around for the first time ever. He helps around the house, he grocery shops, he does laundry, and literally anything that he can do to help make my life easier. And yet, I still don't feel safe. It is like I am waiting for another bomb to drop any day.

I'm still angry and resentful that he chose to destroy our marriage without even giving me a chance to defend myself. I resent the fact that he emotionally divorced me after I gave up a good paying job to stay home with our NEW baby and my oldest son. It tears me apart that he still sees her at work - no luck in finding another job in this area.

I still get occasional fog babble. He painted me in such a negative light so that he could conduct his affair and I think he still believes some of it. Hard to go into specifics, but he has made comments about me that are just flat out untrue and when I call him on it he seems genuinely confused. He has totally rewritten our marital history and seems shocked when I disagree with "his" view of things. Family and friends back my version - not his. How can he still be this way a year later????

And last, but not least, how do I stop thinking about the OW? She ruined a part of my life and has suffered no consequences for her actions, while I have literally fallen apart. Again, I know it is wrong, but it seems so unfair that there are so many people like her and they get away with treating people like this. Why is that???

I want to forgive and I feel that I have made progress there, but I cannot seem to forget. It still haunts me on a daily basis and I still cry often (though not as often). Am I taking too long? My FWH thinks I focus too much on it, but I honestly have tried to forget and move on, but I still hurt so much. Be gentle with any two by fours please, I'm already in a fragile state of mind.

What your WH did was wrong and hurtful but please, please start looking at the things he is offering. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat except for the fact that he still works with her. I have never received an apology...he emotionally divorced me and is still emotionally divorced. He has detached from the children, and leaves all the work to me. No help...no offering...no nothing.
If you WH does something good...tell him, let him know you appreciate his efforts..he may very well open up about other matters as he begins to feel safer with you. It seems odd that the BS's have the responsibility of providing the WS with a safe place, but we do. It works both ways, but we must do our share without recipricol expectations.

Your WH is making an effort, but you hanging on to the hurt will only serve to sabotage. Have you read "After the Affair", or "Surviving Infidelity"? The help you see both aspects.

SG,

Hi, I always think about you when I see your posts. Still not getting the responses you would like? In your M or here on MB.

I really hope that you are in MC. And you and your H should read the books together. Although I understand if your H isn't "in" to these things, as my H isn't. My H is also making an effort, or rather effortS in many areas. But I really understand that you are not getting the Honesty and Openness that you probably need, and certainly deserve!! That is how I feel also.

Our Ms cannot be all better, albeit they may be "saved" for the time being, until a point is reached where BOTH partners feel good about the M!!!

And if your H is not forthcoming with the details that you need, how do you know what it is that you need to get over?!! Is there any way that your H would read here? Have you printed out any articles or threads for him?

I also really can relate to your comments about his rationalizations for the A, and his "unhappiness" and rewriting of probs!!! My H made several really severe comments (in the tape) about me and our life together that were TOTALLY unfair. Even if he will never admit an A, he also won't discuss those feelings with me. And I know that he still feels the same way about some of those things, if not all!!

All of those problems also leave me with a feeling of total insecurity. If the main issues - the ones that may have helped to lead up to an A - are not addressed, then the M is still open to an A !!! I, for one, don't blame you at all for those feelings of the "bomb about to drop". The bomb already dropped once when you were not looking!! And even tho you are keeping a watchful eye out now, that is just going to make you (possibly) aware AFTER it drops again. I am not saying that it will drop, but I understand your insecurity.

Most of all, I don't know how you are supposed to "get over" anything, if he is still working with the OW. Again, if my H had an affair, then he is still apt to interact with the OW also, as I do not know otherwise! We cannot babysit them. I tried getting my H to be more available when at work. Have you done this, will he agree ? Or will he write down what he does while at work? Is he actively looking for another job? My H has been with his company for 25 yrs, he is not going to quit easily nor do I know if I want him to!!

Please come back and answer my Qs, maybe more will jump on the thread as we go. And keep in mind what homer said. DO keep complimenting and being thankful for the changes that your H is making. I don't mean to sound one-sided here, but I believe you when you say that these are REAL issues for you. And I can understand where these issues are rooted. But I also remember your history somewhat.

jls

It just seems to me that you are not feeling "safe" yet. I don't think that is abnormal at all.

It has been a year and it sounds like everything is going in the right direction for you, your husband is being the kind of husband you have always known he could be, am I right? Part of you is wondering why you aren't feeling "safe", after all he is doing everything right, he's taking more responsibility, being a better father, husband etc...then you feel guilty for not being able to let the affair go.

Once trust is lost it takes a long, long time to give it back. I know that is has been for me. I had enormous trust in my husband and that was obliterated. My husband like yours has changed. He is the husband that I always knew he could be, the one I hung around 20 years waiting for. But as far as "safety" goes that can be scarry too. Now there seems to be so much more to lose.

I feel I have no control over my life. I feel like our marriage is his to keep or destroy at his will and he has all of the power in our relationship. That can be hard, especially when I used to view our marriage as a partnership, a friendship. I think that you could be feeling some of that because you gave up your financial independance to stay home for him and your children. That makes a woman very vulnerable because it shows total trust that he will be there for you in every way. For trust to be there you have to feel equal in the relationship. I know that I don't feel that yet in my relationship and it is me and not my husband that makes me feel that way. He has done everything except take the affair back (something I know he wishes he could de), and yet I am not ready for total trust yet. Do I trust him more that I did 2 years ago? Yes, but I am not sure I will ever feel that idealic free trust I did before.

As far as the OW not having any consequences for her actions, you never really know. Our OW gloated to me about her affair with my husband, said things to me that she knew would cause deep wounds of mistrust and doubt. Words that could never be proven but would always grate on my heart. She never felt guilt or even thought she did anything wrong, she even felt pride in her actions. But ultimately, she died, in a horribly painful and self-induced way (over a year later). She died never being happy, she died without real love in her life, she died with her children disrespecting her, and without making ammends for her sins against the world. I would not want to be in her place. Your OW will have the same thing happen to her if she doesn't at least make ammends in her heart for her part in hurting you. I know that in our case the OW dying is an extreme example of this but you get my point. BTW, having the OW die doesn't make everything go away or ease the pain or make anything easier.

I still cry and I still think of the affair and at times feel like I will never get through this. But I am, one day at a time and so will you. Don't put yourself on someone else's timeline, it has to be yours. Don't allow others to say "its been a year...what's the big deal, get over it, get on with your life." All of that will happen when you are ready to feel "safe".

Cathy

SG, you should not feel safe, nor can you move on until contact ends and your H comes clean. Until that happens, you will NEVER start to recover. Recovery can NEVER take place as long as he is still in contact with the OW. Recovery can never take place as long as he is not honest. You will NEVER trust him as long as he persists in keeping secrets from you. And you would be nuts to trust an untrustworthy person. His lack of honesty and openess tells me he is not serious about your marriage at all.

I see also that this is not his first affair. If you can't determine the cause of all these affairs, it will likely happen again. Is he in counseling to determine why he can't seem to commit to his marriage?


Because people cover up for them and help them hide their secrets. She is now free to continue to pursue your husband or any other married man she targets.

P.S. in answer to your question: "help me move on.." No one here can help you move on. Only YOU can do that. And you won't move on until several issues are resolved. You can't "move on" with so many unresolved issues sitting in your path. These issues will prevent you from moving on.

Start setting boundaries. Protect yourself by insisting that ALL contact with the OW ends by getting another job. Protect yourself by insisting that he go into counseling and resolve his problem with honesty and fidelity. Otherwise, you cannot move on, you cannot possibly recover. No one else is going to protect you, SG, only you can do that. And if you settle for crumbs, that is exactly what you will get.

Can't really post now, but will respond later. Thanks to all that responded - any advice is appreciated. Also, so we are clear my FWH is not a serial to my knowledge - only one confirmed affair.

HI SG,

I agree with Melody, every word. Among other things, I'd bet your H is still foggy because he still has contact with OW. Therefore, recovery hasnt really begun.

He's left you dangling with many unresolved issues... frankly, I can imagine that ever being acceptable. Your stress is very valid. It's telling you something... DONT relax, dont believe... Trust your intuition. This ISNT right.

Move on = pretend everything is OK?
Move on = divorce?
Move on = ???

What are you asking? - Dru

Guess I got more responses than I realized. I'm still limited on time, but will try to resolve some questions.

JustCallMeHomer - love that name because it makes me chuckle for some odd reason. Anyway, I thank my H for everything he does on a daily basis (one of his needs)and I really go out of my way to point out the positive changes he has made and how that helps. He has made himself more available by calling me frequently from work, coming home everyday for lunch, and traveling less. He calls me when he gets in and right before he leaves and if he cannot reach me he leaves a message or emails me. So I just want to make it clear there is no fighting or LBing going on - there never has been even pre-A.

Jlseagull - I get the feeling that I know you somehow, but not sure how??? You have voiced many of my feelings in your response and as I stated above, my H is being pretty forthcoming. My guess is that he has told me all that he can allow himself to tell me. For instance, I know he told her "I love you" (I found a love letter that he will not read), yet he continues to deny it. He still wants to believe that it just happened and was out of his control - he needs to believe that I think or the guilt would kill him. He is honestly affected by my tears and wants to help, but he cannot see that total honesty on his part will help me get over this feeling of mistrust. I'm sorry that you are in such a similar situation - sucks don't it???

MelodyLane - Yes, I am to blame for her lack of consequences because I failed to expose her soon and when the time came there was no current proof. Something I will always regret. I have left the door open if her H would ever want to "revisit" my proof. She is an outstanding liar. In fact, their marriage was based on infidelity - she cheated on her first H with her current H. Kind of sad, huh? She had too much time to get her story straight and destroy the evidence - totally my fault. I would like to say that it was more because of my own denial and fog.

We have discussed many times getting a new job and there just is nothing around here. I am currently working two part-time jobs and looking for a full-time job with benefits, which only he has right now. My mom and his mom are in very poor health and it would cause problems for us to leave this area. I'm still holding in out as an option -I'm just to torn as it is.

Gotta go for now....

***For trust to be there you have to feel equal in the relationship.***

This is most profound. I don't think I've ever heard of a better definition of "trust."
Mulan

Boobyprize - another name that gives me a little chuckle, although I understand the feeling. I feel that way sometimes - like I'm second choice. I am familiar with most of your story and I find it very sad, but hopeful. Your H seems to have really turned around (as mine seems to have) and that gives me a little more hope. Your statements about the marriage fit me and I agree with Mulan that your definition of trust seems to fit. In this type of situation, the person who had the affairs seems to have a little more power.

I guess I'm not really sure what I am looking for. I'm just plain old depressed and searching for the magic bullet that will make everything all right. Intellectually I know that nothing can make it go away, but I still wish it would. I've done many things wrong in my life and have made my share of mistakes, but I always thought I was a good wife and mother. Yeah, maybe I didn't have a clue as to what my H actually needed from me at all times, but I really tried my best to make sure that he was happy - even if it meant me giving things up.

I've lost many things over the past six years - some that were very important to me and I thought I knew what hitting rock bottom was all about. Nothing even came close to this and I can only think of one thing that would overshadow it. I just have no where to turn to right now and I hang out at this board hoping to hear some magic words that will somehow make my future a little brighter when things seem so bleak.

I love my H and believe I can forgive him. I believe that he does wish it had not happened, or at least I try to. My trust in anything is gone right now really so I have a hard time separating truth from lies about anything, not just him. I just don't know if I will ever get over this and I really, really do NOT want him to suffer because of that. He isn't now, but my resentment could eventually reach the point where I can no longer hold back on him.

I wish I could let go of the hurt and anger. Yeah, he still works with her, but really that only bothers me a little in comparison to the way I feel about everything else. Maybe if I work through those issues I will reach a point where I can say - you need to leave your job. I honestly cannot bring myself to do that now, because I am so indecisive about my future with him period. There are many days when I wonder if we even have a future together and I feel bad for even thinking that way. You would think after a year I would be able to make that final decision.