No matter how much you think you prepare yourself for this…you are never really ready. If someone had told me I would be posting here 3 months ago I would have said they were full of it.

Back ground.
In June 1995 I married my high school sweetheart, right out of high school. I was 18 he was 19. We had some problem prior to our marriage that cause us to stop speaking for about 4 months. Yep, another girl – one he worked with. When we got back together he seemed truly sorry & said it would NEVER happen again. (HOW DUMB WAS I!)

In May 1996 he called me and told me he was working late. Since I ‘knew’ better I went to see him. Well I saw him all right. In the car with his Manager. They were not doing anything, but that night at home he told me he wanted to. I have since found out there was no sex, only kissing.

March 1998 He was on the receiving end WHILE I was pregnant with our 1st child. I did not find out until Feb 1999. He said that becoming a dad scared him and he wasn’t sure it was want he wanted but since DD was born he had changed. And honestly he had stopped going out. (A girl he worked with.)

Some time in 2002 – He had a one night short term relationship with a girl he worked with. When HER BF stopped into where they were working, it ended. (I JUST FOUND OUT. I suspected something; he just confirmed it a few weeks ago.)

Jan 19 – March 10, 2005 – H had an affair with a girl he worked with. He is now 28 (29 in May) she is 18! I have asked him about it since the end of January because he started getting home later from his 2nd job. He just said they were busy or they changed their closing routine. He did not come home on Valentines Day until 3am the next morning. Then Feb 5th he did not come at all. He said he slept in his truck. He worked 2 jobs; they were about 45-55 minutes from home but only about 20 minutes apart. Full time job (C) was 6am – 2:30pm, job 2 (U) was 4pm – 11pm on the weekends. He said he needed to de-stress so he had a few drinks & that Job C wanted him in early (5am) so get home @ 12, back up at 4am he could get more sleep in truck. Did not buy it! At 3:40 am on March 10 (my 28th b-day, OUR son’s 1st birthday!) He sends me a text message that he is at his brothers. I called him & said you know we are over right? He said, “Yes”. I said there is someone else isn’t there and he said “yep.” I even asked him on v-day if he was messing around & He said NO. WHY wait until my birthday & our son's birthday and tell me!

He ended up coming home so I did not have to take our (sick) son out when I took our daughter to school. He passed out on our couch. So I TMed her and told her I know. About an hour later she TMed him asking if he was awake & thinking he was kidding. I called, she answered and I said no he is sleeping, but I can go get him for you. She said no, & I said No, I insist. I gave him the phone & walked out. Well he snored in her ear, I got the phone & said, Oh he must have went back to sleep, I will tell him to call you later. She said fine. She did tell me she though it was him & he was kidding.

A few minutes later I asked Kevin if I could call her & He said yes. Well we 'chatted' for about 20 minutes. Found out she is 18, & works at Job U. I asked her how long, she said what? I said you have been sleeping with Kevin. She said she wasn't. I told her he told me & She said just a few months. I reminded her that everything he said
is one sided & beware because he can lie to your face and you can never tell. We talked for about 20 minutes, well, I talked, and she listened.

He moved out that night. We talked all day and decided it was over between up. He also told me there were 16 other in the past 10 years.

He called me Friday & said Thursday he wanted to make me HATE him and he swore on our son’s life that he did not sleep with 16 women in the past 10 years. (He never swears on the kids. He knows I hate it.) This girl was not the only one, there was only one that I did not know of, I had suspected YEARS ago, but never could prove. He said he wanted me to HATE him that it would be easier for him to deal with. He would rather me hate him than be hurting. I said he deserve to HURT the way he hurt me.

He said he would do anything to make things work, & asked if he could come over after work to talk. Right after I said yes his cell phone went dead. The next phone call was a COMPLETE flip to the first. He said that there was just no way we could be together. He would NEVER quit his job there. That he would call me if he decided to come over but he was not going to talk to her so he could think.

I got sitter and went to Job U without telling him. I asked him if she was meeting him there after work & he said yes. I said ok fine. He told me he was only seeing her that night because he thought there was not chance for us since he would not quite Job C. I told we could start talking after he quite Both jobs & took the job he was already offered closer to our house. He said that is what he wanted. When he said that I pulled into the lot next to him (he was very surprised). I told him he had to breaking up with her TONIGHT. He said he would call her right then. I said, Nope, you will tell her IN FRONT of me tonight when she gets here. Give me your phone I will see you in a few hours. (This way he could not TM her or call and warn her I was there.) He went inside, told his boss that was his last night there, then he called the other job and told him he was not coming back. A few hours later, he came over to my table and got me. He walked out in front of me. Boy did the smile on her face vanish quickly when she seen me. He looked at her, said This is my wife, we have been together for 14 years, I love her and she is willing to try to work things out between us. She said fine, guess I will see you around. He said No, I will not be coming back to work at either job. She said fine and left.

I called her from his phone and told her that once she was married for 10 years she would understand why you would want to try to make it work. And I would appreciate it if she would not bother him or call him. She said, I plan on NEVER talking to him again. I said that great!

I hope I am making the right choice. He LOVED his job. He loves to Hunt and cook and working at the kitchen where he was at was his Ideal job. He was up for a promotion at the end of this month and could realistically retire from there. I was willing to let him finish out this weekend, and he said no, he never wants to go there again. The fact that he quit his job ON THE SPOT really played a big part in us even talking about it. He said he not longer needs 'his time' at a bar after work. He will just come home and be with me. He said he wants to get into counseling, & renew our vows this year. He also wants to see someone about depression, he said he is worried he is going to end up like Chuck. (His friend who shot himself 5 years ago)

Sunday (3/13) I looked at him and said, you can't get her out of you mind and I know you are already regretting this. He said I was right. I told him to pack up and get to his brothers; I was not playing his games. I also told him if he left that was it. He talked to his brother, came back and said that he really wants it to work. So yes, he is still at the house. When he went to bed that night, he said that it is getting easier to see why he loves me and not her. And he is sure he is making the right choice.

I really do not want my kids growing up without their father. Yes, he would be around, but I want them to have a family. I really think this is the best. I have to say I am a bite embarrassed to say I am going to try to work it out, especially after complaining so much about him over the past few days.

Since he suggested marriage counseling this time & quit his 'dream' job, I really makes me think he wants to make it work.

I monitor all his incoming call logs and match them against his bill. His phone also logs the number of out going text messages & I check them also. We start counseling tomorrow (4/5) at the church we were married at almost 10 years ago & have now attended for the past 3 Sundays.

Boy when I look back and read it, it makes me even sicker.

We both write in separate notebooks nightly of a way we SHOWED our love and FELT the others. Making it a point to see and feel it really makes one aware of how much or little it is there. We also can write any other feelings. Like while he is at work if I get upset about something, I will write it and he can read it at his leisure. We allow the other to write any comments after our log if they want to. Yes, we also each keep a private journal.

We are tying to work it out, I am reading surviving an affair. I just hope I can forgive.

Well that’s my long story. I could go on, but that is the beginning!
Thanks for listening!


angi

wow angi---i wanted to weolcome you to mb's. read all you can about the principals here. it is a wonderful site and has great help available. oh and ps....your not crazy!

Angi,
It is natural for your H to go thru a period of withdrawal. Go up to the main MB page and read up on it.

Take it from me it is very important that you not punish him when he is honest with you about his feelings. If he tells you he misses her, don't take it personally. Thank him for being honest with you.

Mac

We had our first counseling session last night. It was 2 HOURS! We are talking with the pasture at our church. WH was NEVER one to want to go to church but after I found out and told him to leave he asked about if we could go to counseling. (We have only been to church MAYBE 4 times in the past 10 years. – Bad I know, but honest.)

It seemed to go well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> When Pasture heard an A was part of it, He said we will need to meet more than once. (I agree!) He asked WA “Why?” He said He didn't care if he was with me anymore. Pasture asked him why we were together then and he said, "I don't know how to explain it other than you don't know what you have until it is gone."

He asked me if I forgave him. I said No. He asked if he were living in our house, sleeping in our bed & if we kiss good night. I said yes to all that. He said then you have forgiven him. I said No, I am trying to give him the illusion of forgiveness so he will not get frustrated and leave. Kevin looked VERY surprise, which makes NO scenes because I have told him it is hard to Forgive. I want to the PAIN TO STOP. I want the PICTURES IN MY HEAD OF THEM TOGETHER TO GO WAY!

While walking into the church, a car passed and beeped, and all I could think was IS that HER? The most RIDICULOUS part of that is she lives 40 minutes away! They meet at his old job. I told him he HAD to QUIT before I would even START talking to him about getting back together. He called them that night & said he wouldn't be back. (Thank Goodness he already had another job in the wings he had NOT yet accepted!)

It still hurts when he says he regrets hurting me, but not doing it. WHY say something THAT hurtful! I told him that upsets but and he said he does not want to lie about his feelings. I asked him what will stop it next time? He said he hopes church will help him.

How do you forgive and give them trust back? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I still check his cell phone for incoming & outgoing calls from her. To my knowledge, he has had NO contact with her except the Sunday she called about a week after the broke up. I was home & he told me it was our SIL. I knew it wasn’t so I grabed the phone & said “Good I needed to talk to her.” That is when I heard “It’s not that I haven’t wanted to talk to you, I just knew I shouldn’t. Do you work tomorrow?” I said “Does it matter?” She didn’t say anything so I repeated myself louder & She hung up. Part of me thinks he MAY have tried to call her from his new work number. I can’t prove it one way or the other so there is no scence in driving myself NUTS with those thoughts, right?

I did tell him I was VERY ANGRY for him telling me it was SIL & it wasn’t. That if I hadn’t heard her say that after he had lied, he would be packing. I tried to explain when lies, I don’t believe ANYTHING he says anymore. He said he knew I would be mad & think it was not the 1st time they talked & with my Grandma sitting on the couch (not knowing ANYTHING) he didn’t want to start a fight.

Thanks for listening!