My STBX sends me an email stating his contributions and that he was sorry he didn't meet my needs and so on, I then reply to which I thought was very sweet.

He is hostile and going off the deep end, was I way off base?? Would this email make anyone mad?? I am starting to question my own judgment with anything I say anymore

Please give me much needed advice..........



Michael, the trust and respect between us has been shattered, the foundation of what love stands on. And if all we have is love without a foundation we will crumble. You can’t get over the past and neither can I, I keep saying pick a day and anytime you get mad you say, “Why don’t you call one of your boyfriends”. I understand how you feel and I am sorry I hurt you but there comes a time too that I don’t have to be beat up every time we have a conversation. The dialogue you had with the kids really hurt me, I guess because when they told me things I would know that they were half truth but this time I saw it for myself in black and white, and it really doesn’t matter what things they were saying, you should have encouraged them that you were sure I was ok and that I will call, you just let them know that I was a liar that didn’t care about her kids and that the reason you weren’t coming back here was because of me and that it was just like me to do this to our family.



You don’t know how bad I want my family back, how bad I want my husband back, to laugh again with you when we both know an inside joke on something. I want so bad for the past to go away and start over. I have loved you since I was 17 and I will always love you with every fiber of my body. You think I don’t care that I want a life of pain and despair, no Michael I never have. All I ever wanted was to feel completely and totally loved in our marriage and even though you would tell me and do the little things, the computer and the drinking showed me that was above me. Yes, I was wrong in how I escaped from the pain, I was so so wrong because I have to live with myself everyday and stand before God when it is said and done, I can’t have it thrown in my face everyday, just as you did not want your drinking or you going to prison.



I now know what I put you through when I when bring that up every fight we ever had, it was done you couldn’t go back and change it but is it worth losing our marriage over because we could forgive and drop it, I guess it was because we are here at this place. We both took each other for granted and because we loved each other so much thought it could withstand anything, well it couldn’t and now we are living in a lot of pain.



As far as not meeting my emotional needs, I didn’t know at the time you weren’t but I did when all someone had to do is say a kind word to me and didn’t make me feel like such a failure made me feel elated. Michael, your Sweetpea will never be the same person again, I use to be innocent and not corrupted by the world, I had been so sheltered. I will never be the little girl again, I have grown into a woman and I think its hard for you to realize that. I can’t be restored to a little girl again, I can however blossom into a wonderful woman and that is what I am trying to accomplish



Michael I will love you forever that will never change, no matter if I meet someone or you do. You will always be the love of my life and I can’t imagine even if we aren’t together as husband and wife, not having you there with me through all of what life continues to dish out. I will never stop loving you please believe me when I say that, and when you say I don’t care about your feelings it hurts me deeply because you may not think I do, my actions have proved to you otherwise, hence always making sure that you don’t think I hung up on you or ect….



Thank you for the email it was really special and I wish things had turned out differently for us and maybe our memories can be buried and we could start all over again but until we BOTH can leave the past in the past, we can’t

I love you with all my heart.

Hi Momax,

It took me awhile to get on these boards... but for some reason... I thought I read that you went out on a date with an OM.

Did I read that right, or was that someone else I was reading up on?

If in fact it was you, and you did go out with an OM. Then all I can say is... is you just added some major fuel to a fire that was already starting to burn out of control.

I'm going to let you correct me on this, and set me straight before I give you my .02 cents worth on this.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Left,

I can see why this email made him mad. It seems that you are lying to him. That is what I would be taking from this. Permit me to illustrate what I mean.

[color:"blue"]You don’t know how bad I want my family back, how bad I want my husband back, to laugh again with you when we both know an inside joke on something. I want so bad for the past to go away and start over.

Michael I will love you forever that will never change, no matter if I meet someone or you do. You will always be the love of my life and I can’t imagine even if we aren’t together as husband and wife, not having you there with me through all of what life continues to dish out. I will never stop loving you please believe me when I say that, [/color]

And then you say

[color:"blue"] Michael, your Sweetpea will never be the same person again, I use to be innocent and not corrupted by the world, I had been so sheltered. I will never be the little girl again, I have grown into a woman and I think its hard for you to realize that. I can’t be restored to a little girl again, I can however blossom into a wonderful woman and that is what I am trying to accomplish [/color]

So you tell him you love him and always will.

THen you tell him you will be better off without him,which the last quote says.

Then you tell him it is over.

And then you end it with "I love you with all of my heart."

Do you see any inconsistencies? Do you see how he might get mad IF he loved you and wanted you back? You love him, but the OM met your needs better. You are sorry you did this BUT you will be a better woman...without HIM.

You now recognize how throwing things in his face hurt him, but you are going to continue on.

Left, I am not saying you should stay or go, but this email could easily drive him crazy. He knows you are lying and trying to let him down easy but he also thinks you want better than him and that hurts. You may not realize this but anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as: pain, fear, anxiety, frustration. So which of those do you think your email set off?

So you asked the question and you have my opinion. He feels you are lying to him. You must not love him IF you are doing what you are and feel that other men can meet your needs better. That is what I suspect he feels when he reads your email.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Left, I don't think I'd enjoy getting that letter either. First off, your contrition didn't sound sincere. Second, you make a lot of little assumptions about how he feels. Third, you say you acknowledge he doesn't want his mistakes thrown in his face everyday, yet you remind him of them at the same time. In general, I found the tone accusatory. It is not exactly the honey needed to catch the fly.

I know a lot of people believe in 'getting things out in the open." Mostly, they seem to believe in this when they want to say something hurtful. I believe there should be a lot less "getting things out in the open." I'm not endorsing secrets, but stating and restating the situation in a way that hurts teh other person is NOT helpful.

If I were you, I'd practice brevity. Next time he sends you a nice email, reply, Dear M, thank you so much for the touching email. It meant more to me than you can know. Yours, Left.

For now, I suggest you write a short email that says "I'm sorry for my last email. I really wanted to express how much I care for you, but my frustration got in the way, and I hurt you instead. I won't let that happen again. Please forgive me. Yours, Left.

See in the first case, you simply thank him and don't run any risk of LBs. In the second, you give a complete and absolute apology. No real explaination of why you did it. Explanations usually end up sounding like blaming others or justifying your own behavior. Simple is better.

Thank you for the clear response, I can see where you are coming from.

I have decided it would be best if I didn't have contact with him anymore, because if that was what i said to him then I am no better than he.

I don't know if you know the history with him and I for the last 3 years, very abusive relationship. Does not condone any behavior by no means but I just want us to try to be civil for the kids sake.

I understand now why he could be mad, not the abusive things he has said to me over it, but he can be mad and after reading your reply I did apologize.


Very heavy heart, 18yrs of my life poof gone!!!