FF...will you explain disengaging to me?

I have a few ideas but i'm not sure.
thanks...

I will be back later...we are getting ready to go on an end of spring break trip so i'll be busy tonight. We just barely decided we are going and it is 7:00 pm and the drive is 10 hours tomorrow. Better get the laundry caught up!

Ok, quickly before your trip. What I mean by disengaging is without walking away in anger or hurt when he starts to verbally abuse you very calmly tell him his words hurt you and change the subject, leave the room or pick up a book to read. In other words make yourself unavailable to participate. If he continues to rage at you, then calmly leave the room. Don't get drawn in, use soft tones nothing harsh or loud. As my IC used to say, "show him your soft underbelly" to disarm him. KWIM?

Can you bring something to distract you if he starts in on you on the long car ride? Praying for you.

Well, things change in a hurry. I didn't do a good job of disengaging tonight.

I walked in the house at 7 and expected to watch surviver as I had mentioned I wanted only a few minutes before. H and son had put in a movie and when I walked in it was a full blown sex scene. H said "oh, mom always shows up during the worst parts" knowing how much I despise these kind of movies...the F word non-stop, sex (not a spectator sport in my opinion). I told them I did not approve of this movie and H and I got into a screaming match, which is unusual. I was really upset that H won't honor my wishes to keep this kind of sh#t out of our house. That he wouldn't say "hey, this is not what I expected, lets not watch this". Instead he goes off saying how they didn't know that scene was in there, it's a war movie etc.

I was not good though. I said they're ******* in the bedroom..not too proud of myself as my teen boys were in the room. Very ashamed. I stayed in my room to watch surviver and told them I wasn't cooking supper because I wouldn't listen to that stuff (before I actually said it myself-rolling eyes-lost my credibility there). I came out shortly after my outburst and apologized but that doesn't fix anything.

Your description of disengaging is something I have done a few times. I will work on it more as it seems to be pretty effective..for me. He calls it manipulation when I tell him something hurts me.

Last week, I told him about how something he said and how he said it made me feel. He said, that was not how he meant it. I said I was just telling you as I had identified why I felt the way I did. He said "I'm not responsible for your feelings" . That's an AA thing.

Kind of rambling. My mind is in a wierd place. I don't want a marriage like this.

"i am not responsible for your feelings....". no dear you are not...but you also shouldnt be the root cause of all the bad ones either.....and as your wife i am responsible to let you know when something you say hurts me so im not building resentment....

Good one Nikko. H seems to think that he is only responsible to himself and not supposed to worry about what anyone thinks. He is to do what works for him.

This seems to have gotten worse since he started back to meetings...I have a problem with some of the things that AA teaches (the above being one of them). Another thing is that when the A was ongoing he would tell me he was going to AA but he was going to her house. So, here he is living a lie at these meetings still because he has not told them that he was using them to cover for the A. Of course they don't know about the A either as it was never revealed to anyone. So, I know it would do no good to tell the group but I wonder if there is conflict in his head.

We are getting ready to head out...I'll check real quick before I leave. Wish me luck...there is tension between us but it may get better as we get going.

We'll be back monday evening. Thanks for everything!

I've never been through AA, but it sounds like he's misinterpreting it for his own ends. He is responsible for treating his wife with courtesy.

Well, I made it back. It was a little tense at first and then we had fun just hanging out etc.

I don't know what it is about home but as soon as we got here things went to sh*t again.

I have done a lot of thinking the last few days....this really is a screwed up mess I live in. Last night was proof. Lets keep on doing the same thing over and over again and expect it to change.

I think I have been in plan a so long I didn't even see how it has enabled H to walk all over me. I don't argue with him anymore about things that really bug me (stock trading-a huge can of worms-and one that I am not able to talk about with him) and I don't tell him when he hurts me because he doesn't respond well to it, adding more blame to me and none to himself. I am constantly told about how broke we are (like I don't know?) while he sits all winter without a job and won't even work the equipment we have (and have to make huge payments on) because he doesn't like winter. But I had to cut off the house phone (kept the business phone-and he said he would hook that up different so it would ring in the house but didn't-and then complains that our phone system sucks), I am going to sell my car and get an older one so we don't have a payment anymore. When I told him last night that we have to make a lot of payments by friday he just said "you could have waited to tell me that until tomorrow". I could have, but what if I forgot? He has to get it out of a trading account so I wanted to make sure he knew in time to do it...and I'll bet ya 50 bucks it doesn't get done in time either.

I'm just so sick of this....working on them boundaries....and the first one needs to be in SF department. I have stated a boundary there that he refuses to acknowledge...which just pi$$es me off even more.

Anyway, same ole', same ole'.

bumpity bump...I fell off the first page! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

M&L, my you have so many issues to deal with don't you? It really sounds like you need to get some financial protection in place. Sorry I can't be of much help but thinking of you.

FF-Thanks. Yes, i do have so many issues to deal with.
I agree that I need to get some financial protection in place, I'm just not sure how. I am needed in the business which is starting to get going now with the nicer weather so getting a job now will be a real bugger. Plus, training someone to do what I do would be hard. However, it has and does cross my mind. I just don't know how to go about it.

I feel I am doomed to another summer and fall of the same ole' song and dance.

what hes telling you from aa is [censored]! period. he's twisting what they teach to fit what he wants to do and say to you.

now---back to the plan---pick one thing you want to work on and lets get going on it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> one thing at a time. and remember we are not trying to change him---only he can do that. we are trying to change how you react to what he does and says.

Hi Nikko,
One thing at a time...
I don't like the way he is talking to me right now. If I ask him a question he always answers the opposite of the truth and hopes to get a reaction out of me, so he can grin or laugh or tease me. It is how our teenage boys are talking to each other and it is driving me crazy from my H.

I can't get a straight answer out of him. And he thinks it is funny. While on our vacation he did one of those, twisting my words around until he finally answered correctly, and I looked at my daughter and said "he thinks it's funny to insult me". He honestly didn't know what I meant. Another time he said something really stupid and hurtful and I asked him "are you trying to endear me to you?". He is going about it bass ackwards. I don't even want to talk to him. Imagine how difficult SF is!

i am going to ask a very tough and serious question....i hope i dont offend you---that is NOT my intention.

what is your payoff for allowing yourself to be abused...especially in front of your kids??

and my other question---what are we working on first....what will give you the most power to change??(financial, emotional...etc..)

Good Morning Nikko,
I am not offended. Not at all. I really need to be challenged to think about what I want.

I don't know what the payoff is. I don't know why I allow it...I guess I just don't know how to stop it. When I have said I don't like "it" (whatever it may be) or that something hurts me he doesn't apologize so I quit telling him. I don't need further blame for his actions.

But I don't know what the payoff is. I am gonna think on it for a bit...I'll be back.

you have made him 100% responsible for your happiness....that is wrong. YOU are responsible for your happiness....until you take bake that power you will be miserable forever. you are waiting for him to wake up and say----wow ive been an [censored] all these years.....im gonna be 100% different and life is gonna be better!

sweetie--you better have a comfortable chair cause that is gonna be a long wait, unless your willing to bet it all! shake it up and move him off the comfy ground he is on. that is what i had to do....i had no idea if he would change or not. what i did know was i was dying slowly. i figured he would either get it or i would be happy alone. alone but still better than what i had....HAPPY! i'll be on later....

I don't know how to shake him up and move him to the point he wants to do something.

its called plan b

Oh.

I thought I was supposed to be working on little things, more on the plan A stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I don't feel like I'm getting it right now.

the answer to shaking him up and move him is plan b. (it could also mean plan boundries...lol)

the idea of plan a is to get you healthy enough and strong enough to realize you have done all you can...the only thing left is plan b.

for me i did plan a for 3 years waiting....then i realized all i was doing was wasting time waiting for him to make me happy. i was doing all i could...i was/am a great wife and mom. the issues were his. his emotional avoidance of everything. when i realized i did all i could...well it was his turn. so i asked him to leave and not come back until he was in counseling and working on his stuff. does that make more sense to you.....he needed to earn us. not me

When you asked him to leave, what was that like? Was it during a fight, depression, what happened?

I can't imagine asking H to leave. We have 2 houses but I don't know which one should move. And I'm pretty sure if I asked him to move out he would say no. So I would be left to move out and I don't want to but it would be better than what is going on now.