My husband just admitted one month ago to his second cell phone affair. The first one two years ago, was with a coworker and it took me by surprise. It being an emotional affair I am sure he did not consider it an affair but the conversations did end in a kiss(or so he says). Through alot of turmoil this incident did enhance our passion in an already good marriage, yet trust, of course, was always an issue for me. I realize I often do not meet his sexual needs and this affair did allow us to recognize my role in not meeting his needs for affection. We have an okay sexual relationship just not enough for him. This second time I was very suspicious for several months (this also put a damper on my sexual arousal!) and accused him on more than one occasion of having a phone relationship with someone. He of course denied it and this made me feel foolish for not trusting him. He covered all his bases, locking cell phone account info, etc...I then overheard him one day locked in his workout room. He finally came out with it after i cornered him. This time it was an old girlfriend that had moved back to our state. He argues that the conversations were above board but so much lying and secrecy makes it hard for me to believe. Even if it was as he says, I am unable to get through it this time. I seem unable to give him affection which I know he needs. I enjoy his company, truly love him and he is trying to make it work and is remorseful. Yet, he was clear on the fact that this type of relationship and behavior hurts me. How long does it take to forgive. I do not feel the say way this time. It is a dull ache-not a passionate one. Any suggestions on when I can get rid of my resentment and how? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi jsb,

First, sorry you have to be here, but it's a great place under the citcumstances.

Second, (((hugs)))

Some questions:

How long did EA #1/#2 go on (if you know)?

How long have been M? Do you have children?

Have you read any of the Harley books (His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, Love Busters)?

Have you had any MC?

Your resentment is normal. Your H has been lying to you and conducting an EA.

For Recovery to start, he must come clean completely about all the details of the As. He must make his life an open book to you; that means no locked cell phones, no secret calls, NC with any OW ever. Period.

Read everything on this site. Read all the books. Take the EN questionnaire with your H.

As far as the SF issues go: It is very good of you to acknowledge your part in the risks to the relationship. Good for you. You'll work on that. Together.

Good luck and blessings
---------------------------------------------------------------
me-50 FWH-44 M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NCltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help

Thanks. I have two great girls 8 and 10. I have been married for 15 years. The first time was about 4 months? and this time he does not admit fully but I believe started 10 months ago. That hurts. He has come mostly clean (who is to say how truthful-his track record is not excellent and my mind fills in blanks that could be worse than what really happened), He is remorseful. He is making his life an open book and this time no contact (the first EA stuck around as an employee for two years!) That was a mistake for us. He is trying to make amends. That seems to be the problem for me. I want to cry every day and am so hurt, jealous, supicious I am having trouble getting past my anger and resentment even though he is taking all the right steps. I know I want to eventually work it out but it seems that the intimacy issue is the hardest thing to overcome and of course probably what he needs most. I cannot seem to pet him or caress him in any way as if I am frozen by it. My head works overtime until it will explode with questions of details of what happened and why ,etc... we have talked about it but it is always me doing the talking-he listens knowing he was wrong but not confirming how I feel. How would he know? I have read much on this site. No MC-he would be willing I don't know if I am. Maybe I don't want to take as much responsibility as I think a counselor would have me take. In my head I know I contributed but the rest of me thinks that he wronged me. He is really a good man and no one who knows him would think this of him. Unfortunately I am not willing to confide in friends or family to help me out-I don't want them to know but I am starting to think I have to talk to somebody besides him. how much time should this take to forgive? The fact that it is the second time and I accused him on more than one occasion he made up lies about it, and he still did not stop seems to me the biggest hurdle to forgive.

Hi jsb,

Regarding your not telling friends/family: Neither did I. Actually, my IC agreed with this, saying in his opinion, telling was just revenge. Sometimes telling is necessary, like when the WS won't end the A, for exposure. But, in my case, and in yours, the A was over, and while support is certainly necessary, and this is a lonely journey, telling friends/family can be a mistake. Their memories are longer than yours, and while you will forgive your H, they will always remember, and it will be a source of gossip.

Many good folks here may disagree with me. That's OK. This is just what worked in my situation.

So, I too never told anyone, except my IC, a retired pastor, and my MB 'friends'. I am not really a new member. I registered 08/04 (not really an 'old member', either). My old sign-on got lost in the switchover. I have been posting regularly for the last 8 months. It has saved me in so many ways. And it is enough. I do not need to tell my friends or family. Ever.

So, post often. Read others' posts. It will really help, I promise.

And consider the counseling. My MC experience was awful, but a lot of folks here swear by it, especially counseling by phone with Steve Harley.

Best of luck, and blessings!

One more thing: The intimacy. Dr. Ellen Kreidman ("Light Your Fire" author) says, "If you don't have an affair with your H, someone else will." She is right. Believe me, I learned the hard way.

So, work on this. Please.

thanks. I agree with you about others knowledge. How can I expect others to forgive or forget-they have no need to! I have found comfort in this site. I really came out with it to my H this week and I have decided that I have not been willing to help reconcile and now that I think he somewhat understands how this situation has affected me I think I need to work on getting our marriage back. The quote above regarding intimacy is right on. I have learned the hard way too. Thanks for listening-it is amazing how I have worked out so much in my head just by being on this site and actually telling someone. For me, just saying things often allows them to leave me. I know that sometimes all the feelings recur later as I see your signature is "healing". I actually hope we can remember this as a couple (not just me!) and use it to keep us on the right track. Best wishes to you too.