I posted an update, and now it seems to be gone. This is more than frustrating!!!!

I spoke to SH on March 25. WH had set up a MC session. SH told me to go, and told me EXACTLY what to say (he had me write it all down).

I did speak to WH several times that weekend before the MC session because a deposit I had made into his checking account seems to have disappeared (a $400.00 deposit). He was not angry about it.....but still, it has not been found.

The MC session went well. I said my piece. I was to ask the MC how many couples he had helped thru infidelity. But he answered my question before I asked it.....hundreds.

WH said that he would do anything and everything that I wanted. And that he would not ever hurt me again ..... with "I swear on the name of God".

WH VERY sick.....he has pneumonia. I told him to come home and see the doctor. He has been home since.

The feeling this time is very different from before (yes, I know what you are thinking....I'm sucked in again). I do not have rose colored glasses on, and I made it very clear that I am very cynical (sp?) about the whole thing.

WH is very different.....he answers all questions without anger or defensiveness. I do not hold anything inside this time.....I jump right on anything I feel or see that I don't particularly like (in a very non-LB way, of course).

WH is taking me here and there, and is buying me things, etc. More like the repentant H that he should be. He's made plans for us to go and do a lot of things (it feels like the kind of "butt kissing" that FWH do when they really turn around).

We have MC tomorrow. WH is paying for all of it. He must certainly be able to feel that I will not go thru this mess again, that I will indeed be going for D if needed. I'm not messing around anymore. His account in my love bank is in the red. He knows this.

So, bring out the 2x4s.....or what have you. I think they wouldn't even hurt now. I'm too calloused.

K

I hope it is real for you this time. I really do.

What did he do to end it with OW once and for all. What is your proof? His word?

He wrote NC letter, and gave it to me to mail.

I told him I don't trust him at all (in front of the MC). The MC told WH that what else should he expect? That trust can be rebuilt, but it will take some time, and that I would never forget any of this.

Like I said, I'm not putting any trust into this "recovery" for a while. But it REALLY does feel different this time.

Thanks for the Mozilla tip, Trix. I just got done downloading it.

K

hi k <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I read your other thread to catch up after finally getting my computer access back. H getting sick puts quite a twist on it, doesn't it? It could be the start of H doing the things he has said in the past he will do and be lasting changes, or it could be more of the same that you've been through before. Time will tell. Either way, be prepared so that YOU'RE ok.

What do you think of the MC? I've heard many stories of MC's who did more harm than good. Do you think this MC can help you restore your marriage in the ways that you want it? Btw, how to find a good marriage counselor is in the info pages of this site.

Sorry if I sound cynical about your situation k, I'm cynical in general right now.

Take care k

I wrote that WH must certainly be able to feel that I will not go thru this mess again....

He KNOWS that I will not.....because I told him so in front of the MC. I also said that I DO NOT trust him in any way. Which the MC agreed with. He told WH that what else should he expect....but that trust can be rebuilt.

The MC is helping us lay out a plan...so that we can be "in love" again. I really liked him, and his plan is very Marriage Builders....even tho he doesn't know much about MB.

I took HN/HN and Love Busters and SAA to the session with me. MC looked them over. I will keep taking them with me, and use them.

K

K, how do you know he is not calling her or seeing her? What is he doing to prove it? Does Steve know you are back together?

These are all things that we will discuss in MC.

And the funniest thing happened the next day after the MC session. WH accidentally dropped his work cell phone in the water. Oops!

I said it was a "sign". He is willing to give me anything I want.....phone logs, e-mail access, etc.

But like I said, the gloves are off. I trust nothing. I think I have a really bad attitude about all of this. But, what else can WH expect?

I am keeping my bad attitude in check, tho. Not letting WH feel the full brunt of it....I think it would be counter productive.

K

K, it is not a "bad attitude" to be wary of an untrustworthy person, it is a rational reaction. Is he in withdrawal from the OW? What about work contact?

I couldn't really say about the withdrawl....I asked him if he felt like calling her at all.

He said he was done with her. He doesn't want anything to do with her. That he would call me instead if he ever felt like calling her.

His office is now completely moved from the main office. So he does not have to be around her at all. He has also put in for a transfer to another office about 3 hours away from here....so we would have to move. I'm all for that.

Wary......good word for the way I feel.

K

Hi LovingB....

I didn't see your post earlier.

Don't feel bad....I'm pretty much cynical about everything now too. But the MC does seem pretty good. And although he puts things a little differently than MB, the content and idea are the same.

Yeah, WH being sick really put a twist on things. He was better for a few days, but seems to be getting worse again.

Also, there have been some big conflicts at his work, and he has already told all of his supervisors that he may quit his job soon.

But, in the whole scheme of things, I will keep my eyes peeled for ANYTHING.....and I am not letting anything go by without saying my piece. I'm certainly changed on that front. I can almost say ..... CONFLICT? I LOVE it. (Well, not really love, but I sure won't back down....this is a real 180 for me!)

K

K ... he seems like repentant WH but let him prove it to you that he is FWH. It is good to be guarded on him let time and his actions bring it down. However don't guard your ENs, let him fill up your ENs and guide him too. We, males, need check lists ... lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> .
-rh-

K,
well I have already been looking for you. I was thinking about you alot and I was wondering what was going on.

Well, go by your gut. I'm more than sure that you will feel when something is not right and if it feels good and right now, that is probably how it is.

Things really seem to have changed and I am so happy for you.

You've been through so much and you have grown alot through this situation. You have learnt to "listen to your gut" and to "Set boundaries". Make sure that "NO PERSON" ever again disrespects your needs and your boundaries.

You deserve respect and you deserve to be loved. Your husband "KNOWS THIS"!!!!!!
He knows what a great person you are and he knows he cannot just "GIVE YOU UP" and replace you for any OW!!!

You got your point over to him loudly and clearly and I am positive that this did the deed for him.
He has woke up and he realizes that you will no longer take his garbage but the change came because "YOU" set "YOUR" boundaries.

I wish you the best!!!!!

Even if you don't trust (you're right on about this!!!) give him the BEST of YOU!!!!! Then he'll really know that it is the RIGHT THING to be with you!!!!

bb <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi bb.....

Thanks for your post....you always bring such a positive note to the situation.

I do really hope that things have changed as far as WH is concerned, and that they stay that way.

I have my list of topics I want to discuss at the MC session tomorrow. One thing I have really learned about WH is that he is really clueless about how to make amends, and be an "open book". If he really wants things to work between us, then he is going to have to learn a lot.

I know I have a lot to learn, but have already learned so much from everyone here. Especially how to stand up for myself, and that I really do have some worth - both as a human being, and a wife.

The trust is going to come about slowly, and if WH wants me to trust his, he is going to have to earn it. I mean REALLY EARN it.

Like the MC told WH last week, I can forgive, but I will NEVER forget! After all, how can we learn and grow if we forget the lessons we learn in life?

Thanks again for your post.

K

K,
please keep us updated!!!! My thoughts are with you.

take care
bb

Hi K,

No 2x4 from me.

Sometimes it takes only a split second and our life changes. A split second of massive insight. It's called grace I believe.

Maybe it had to do with him being so sick, maybe it had to do with the fact that you meant it and he got that you meant it.

Maybe in this instance the three months of proving to you first are not necessary because you know that he gets it, finally.

Sounds like he does to me and I am pretty skeptical of him. It's a gut feeling you got and gut feelings are usually right on as we all know by now. LOL

And you can always keep Plan B in your back pocket, like everyone else does around here.

I thought of you when we were down over easter and hoped you were well.

Good luck with all this K!

bumping up

Hi Weaver and bb....

Thanks for thinking of me....I really do appreciate it.

We had MC last night. It went well......a lot of the things the MC talks about are very "Marriage Builders". Even WH noticed that.

We had some discussions last night and this morning too. WH just keeps saying he doesn't know how to help me get over this.

I tried to explain to him that next month would mark 1 year since I found out. And that up until a month ago, he was still seeing OW. That this wound is all still fresh and new.

He's getting cell phone logs from work, changing all of his passwords back to what they were, etc. He said he really couldn't see how that would help, because he could still stay in contact with OW if he really wanted to, and I would never know. But he said he would do whatever it takes to help me feel better.

I don't know, maybe he doesn't get the fact that his WILLINGNESS to do these things is what is really important.

He is really trying tho.....the past week and a half have been really great.

The MC gave us some more homework to do, and I also said I would really like for us to work on the Emotional Needs questionaire. WH agreed to do this also.

I just wish I knew how to get over some of this stuff. Thoughts just come out of the blue, and some of them are really upsetting.

Any hints on healing? Any good books to read?

Thanks for your replies......I hope you know how good it makes me feel to know you all think about me now and then.

K

Then ask him how you WOULD KNOW since it is HIS DAMN JOB to PROVE TO YOU that contact has ended. If that is not enough, then WHAT is enough? How will he demonstrate he is trustworthy to you? Ask him how he can prove it, K.

WHERE IS HIS PROOF?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

K,
Once again, we lead parallel lives! My H said the exact same thing about proof--if he really wanted to, he could contact her. I replied facetiously that that statement made me feel a "whole lot better"--NOT! But what he was trying to say, and that I got through many conversations was that he was really done contacting her and that he was doing it because he wanted to. Our first time reuniting he was doing it for all the "wrong" reasons: I had demanded it, he wanted to stay M, etc. This time he was doing it because he did not WANT to continue to A, he could see that it was wrong all the way around, for himself included. Ultimately that is what stops people from doing things: it is the worst choice for THEM.

Just keep thanking him for doing these things to reassure you even if it doesn't make sense to HIM. Thank him for validating your viewpoint even if he doesn't understand or agree with it--he is giving you the right to have those feelings and requests and is doing his best to respect you by complying.

The OW was still contacting my H during this time, so watch out for that one!

A book that I found helpful, or rather two, and I think I have mentioned these to you: "Forgive for Good" by Fred Luskin and Steve Carlson's book something like How to Be Happy All the Time really helped me get perspective on how my thoughts feed my feelings and so forth. It helped with the triggers.

Remember that this progress is slow and NOT linear by any means. You are doing great.

Hi Mel and Anne....

Sorry, I've been out a lot, and haven't looked on here till now.

Mel....I am also in a wash of confusion about proof. What kind of proof? I don't know if I should ask questions all the time, or what. I know it's his job to provide it, and in some ways I agree with him (I know what he says is true) about him still being able to contact her, and me never find out. But I would still know (his attitude toward me is very changed when he was in contact before)....it's now that easy for me to read.

His attitude about everything is so much different than before (the other times). And even tho his attitude is different, he still hasn't coughed up any proof.

Anne....I do let him know I appreciate what he is doing. And that I am enjoying his company. He's been taking me out a lot....and we've been doing lots together. He's making plans to build this and do that around the house.

His actions and attitudes do not make me feel suspicious or wary.....not like the other times. I could tell you the exact DAY he began contact with OW the other times.

We have no R or M talks. I almost feel like I'd rock the boat right now if I did much of that. But when I do ask him questions, he just answers them calmly. He says he has nothing to hide. I'm pretty much saving a lot of this stuff for when we see the MC.

Reading this over, I sound kind of wimpy. I don't feel wimpy. Just watchful, and wary.

So far my gut tells me this is what recovery should feel like (as far as WH's actions and attitude).

What should be happening as far as recovery goes.....I've never been there, so I don't really know. Before, it was still all lies, and I was so very suspicious (for good reason).

Go ahead....let me have it!

K