I don't think you misinterpreted. It was just LM's unique way of expressing that he thinks that K is a fool for believing that this recovery will be any different from the others and that K's and her H are probably just following their already established pattern of false recoveries. K probably allowed her H to come back way too soon and with the excuse that he was very ill and needed her to care for him so he could get healthy again.

They have a long history together but this A has also been a strong addiction for her H. He has been the typical cake eater. As long as he is still working in the same area as this OW it is unlikely that their A with really be over. They may take a bit of a break though.

I really hope for K's sake that it is a real recovery. But I, like LM, have my doubts. She's kinda done this dance before.

K, your H really has a way with the charm or his poor me. I didn't like when he said something to the effect of you not being able to find out if the A was continuing or not anyway.

You know I felt the same as surviver did first reading Lman's post. But I also know that Lman has an incredible amount of compassion and can't bare to see the WS's suffering over and over again.

I didn't want K to take her WH back again, not this soon or this easily because of the pain she has already endured. But she took him back when we were down I think over Easter weekend and we didn't really get a chance to vehemently protest or we all would have, I am sure.

Once she agreed to let him back in, I feel I have no other choice but to support her through this. Because after all who knows if this is THE time or just one more of many.

We have an idea of what a recovered WS looks and acts like but we don't know for sure.

If I had a choice K would not have gone back with this man, but it was not my choice it was hers and maybe she saw something which was not there all those other times, and maybe it will come still if she was mistaken.

We don't know. So in this way I will support K, even through more false recoveries until she decides to either move on or they recover.

Her WH is on a downword spiral, he will bottom out eventually, if he is not where he needs to be yet for a true recovery.

She can't move on until she is ready. It is that simple. You can't go around it, you have to go through it.

I think surviver and Lman both have the same hope for K, wanting this pain to end for her. Just different styles of expressing and supporting.

K, hang on girl, still thinking of you. Wish I had something useful to say to you.

I agree Trix, but I also believe that LM IS being supportive of k by saying what he thinks (with a sort-of-invitation for her to ask him why he has his opinion). I also think that LM IS being encouraging to k when he says that she will discover what she needs to in her own time. I'll bet that LM will cheer if/when k's marriage becomes what she wants it to be or that LM will cry with her if it doesn't.

Different people, different styles, different deliveries....with a common bond of wanting the best for one another, and supporting/encouraging each other throughout our struggles.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"pink"] Dear K, [/color]

well you sure are getting alot of "input"..........

I think that "Everyone's" advise will help you sort out your thoughts. I too treasue Lemon's way of spurting things out. He really gets to the point.

I'm different but I still think that his point of view is valueable.
It is "your" decision what you decide to do because you are the one that knows your situation the best.

We here in MBers will be able to give you "our" point of view about your situation in a MBers manner.....not like "outsiders" that are talking balony!.

The fact that you are talking with SH really "eases" me and therefore I am sure that he is giving you the "right" advise.

Has he talked to you about any Plan??? I see your situation from a different point of view right now, considering the fact that you are "working & talking" with SH.

I can also "only" talk from what I experienced in my relationship.
Are you in "any" kind of plan right now??? What exactly has SH told you??? It makes alot of sence "not to send" that letter.....I too wouldn't have sent it either because your husband did sound "pressured and reluctdant" to sent it the first place and he left that up to you to do. If he was "serious" about that, he would of done it "together with you.

What I experienced at this time of "my recovering" was that we concentrated on "fun & easy-going" times together. We went out and had a ball together.
We did alot of free-time activities "together" and lots of "romantic" stuff.
We went on picnics..........we went for car drives.....we did alot of massaging......MANY Bubble baths "together".
"Short trips"............."2 week trip to the Caribic"..........long walks with the dogs..........

These are just a few ideas. We did everything to put ourselves into a "positive mode". And it worked. All these things "pulled us together" and gave us a "new & positive bond".

It gave my husband reasons to feel attached to me and it gave him reasons to want to "open up" and be honest with "me".
I'm more than sure that OW did try over and over again to get into contact but I was filling in with so much "fun stuff" it wasn't making any sence to my husband anymore.

We "rewrote" romance and excitement.......All the others things that were important for a good relationship "worked out" anyways.

I did keep up with "snooping" during all of this time. It was a great urge and I felt as if something was forcing me to do that.
I also did "find things" that threw me back.......but everytime it did end up to be 2 steps forwards and 1 step back.

I confronted my husband "everytime" and we would talk about it. At the beginning he did get mad when I "caught" him but I also showed him the side of me that must of gotten him thinking.
I didn't tell him that he was a "$hitbag" but he must of felt it for himself.
I treated him better everytime.

He for sure didn't "understand this" but it had a great affect.

I told him "over and over" that I loved him and that I knew that he was a great man.
I gave all to make him "feel like a man".............(even though there were surely times he didn't deserve it)

But I also told him where my boundaries were. I told him that I would NOT accept a third person and I would NOT share him. I told him that I was giving my 100& and I too wanted 100% of MY man!

I told him that I would not take 99% not would I take 70%...I want 100% because I LOVE every bit of him!!!!
I also told him that I wished from all my heart that he would "trust himself" and open up so that I would be able to "get to know" all sides of him..........even his flaws. I didn't want him to feel that he had to "hide" any sides from me because I HONESTLY wanted to be able to love every bit of him, which is only possible if he "lets me".

K, this took alot of time and it took alot of talking from both sides. It was a "life altering" experience and it took alot of "courage" for my husband to "open up" about alot of things that he had "stuffed away" for many years.

We had to change alot of habits............In his affair, he was able to show himself as a different person. He felt differently because OW didn't really know him.
He felt like a "MAN" and due to the fact that we had known each other since I was 14 and he was 17..........we didn't really have that chance.

We had went through all stages together. I had to learn to see my husband "differently" and in a way that made him feel good about himself. He had to learn to see me differently too.

I hope that this makes sence..............

I too had to change things about myself. I had to "stop" telling him what to do in a demanding and pressuring way.

If I saw that he wasn't doing things from his "heart" I backed off. This sorta gave him time to think about his actions.
I just made him feel that I was in pain for his actions.

Within time, he did feel the urge to want to "please me" and "open up" because he started to realize what he was going to loose, otherwise.

We had a great blow up this year and I found out that my husband had lied to me for a long time. OW had contacted him and they had talked briefly with each other.
This was a great blow-back for me. I was seriouly at the point that I wanted out of my relationship.
I wanted to get out. My husband knew that I was serious.

Due to the fact that he also knew what he was going to loose, he knew that it was up to him to do the work in order to make this work out again.

He wanted to talk about this and he wanted to regain my trust. He was extremely passionate about his actions. He phoned me constantly and he told me every step he was making without me asking or even mentioning it.

He planned getaways for the both of us and he was talking about our future.

So things really "switched" and I know that he "got it".

We are now back on track again and I'm happy that I stuck to what I believe in. I will NOT back off from what I believe in and I will NOT stop living my words and beliefs.

My husband knows that he can depend on me and I am more than sure that he has learnt to treasure this personality trait. I feel precious and I feel important.

I feel that people can count on me............mostly when they are "weak".

So I've done enough babbling for now.

I hope that you understand my words. I'm not good at putting my words onto paper but I gave my best.

If you feel that your situation is not going the right direction, speak it out and if nothing changes..........change "yourself and your situation".

Don't take anything else. You cannot change your husband and his actions, he has to want to do it.

bb

BB,

I just wanted to say that I (even though I am not in recovery) really appreciate you sharing that story of your and H's recovery.

It's really a remarkable story and I think it could be invaluable to someone trying to repair a broken marriage.

If you don't mind I am going to save it as I think it gives some excellent ideas to BS's about what they can do and also about what recovery might look like, and the amount of time and patience involved.

Thanks BB.

Okay, I did save it to my notebook, and I called it Blondblossoms recovery story, so if you see me use it from time to time, don't sue me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your kind reply. I always am abit afraid to reply because I sorta see myself (others probably do too) as a "Drama Queen".
Well, you really gave me something "inspiring" to continue to post because I really think at times that I am not being heard and that the things I write don't come over the way I want them too.

I am happy to be where I am..........I am happy about my husband and the relationship we now share. I am mostly happy that I got through with this "Bumpy" adventurous trip and that I survived.

I wouldn't of made it without this site, that's for sure because "others" that have never experienced these things try to help but they tend to damage more than anything.

take care and save whatever you want........if it helps. That is all I have to give!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
bb

As FWH and I began recovery there was quite a bit of changing we had to go through. It was too easy to fall back into old habits.

One old habit is the me vs. him attitude where you feel you have to check up on him and have to sneak around...

Be honest about the checking up on him...a possible script...

"I am having trouble trusting that you won't go back to OW. I need to check on your phone usage (email, text messages, etc...) Everytime I check and find nothing it makes me feel better. I have found that your password on your work phone isn't a password I'm familiar with (he may have changed it to an old, old password....) and I can't get into your work cell phone. Because I can't see your phone records I have to assume contact is still continuing, even though your attitude seems to be helpful. Is there anything you can do to help me feel better and protect the love I have for you?"

And as an aside, I am not in the LM fan club this time, thought your response was cruel and sarcastic. It's not OK to come back later and say...that wasn't your intent, when that is how it reads...no punches pulled. I understand your brand of support...I've asked before for more tact.

LM, LovingB, Weaver, Mel, bb, and StillHere...

Don't have time to reply right now, but will do so later. I have to work early this morning.

But, be assured I value each and every reply I get. I agree with most of them - everyone has their opinion - and take from them what I can use, or what fits my situation.

I would love to be able to meet and personally hug you all.

You mean that much to me.

K

I just wanted to add (have an extra minute here) that like Mel said...I don't want cute and nice things to be said for support.

I need some hard and fast reality checks, and someone to see something in what is going on that I cannot see as I am too close to the situation.

Right now, I'm getting my list together of subjects to discuss at MC on Saturday. I'm sure WH will not like all of the things I have to say. But, with tact, I hope to say them all anyway.

The first is that he seems to have lied to me about changing his passwords. I will not have lies.

The second is that he has yet to give me any proof of NC.

I'm not looking at this with "rose colored glasses". My Love Bank is in the red.....and it's just a "step" for me from where we are now to D.

If a couple is supposedly in recovery, how do you handle it when there is resumed contact? Plan B again? Or Plan D?

K

Has your H read any of SAA concerning NC? That explained the importance of NC in a way that my H could understand and apply. If I remember it is fairly close to the beginning of the book.

He has to be the one to do anything and everything to reassure you the he is commited to no contact. At some point my H realized that he was the cause of all the turmoil and loss of trust so it was up to him to do everything to reassure me if it takes the rest of his lifetime. He is fully accountable for his time etc. He always has a good, caring attitude about it.

He totally bought into the Rules of Successful Marriage, like the Rule of Protection...in that we don't do anything to be the cause of our spouse's unhappiness and do all we can to contribute to each other's happiness.

If your H is starting his pattern of non-action and only words then you may not be there yet. Everyones experience is different though. Look at Bob Pure, his W still hasn't bought into the MB principles.

Have you ever thought of contacting OW and telling her that she can have your husband "completely"!!!

Tell her that you could give her a "instruction manuel" about how he works and the things that he does that she is not aware of.

I would of done this if my husband wouldn't of "woken up"..........and I then would of left the country!!!

take care
bb

Hi Trix and bb.....

Sorry I did not have the time to respond to your posts. I agree with what you have said.

bb....your reply made me laugh! Certainly something to keep tucked away just in case.

We went to MC on Saturday. I really do like this MC. He agrees with me about everything I bring up (regarding proof, and accountability).

I mentioned that WH had changed his voice mail passwords back on all but his work cell. His work phone number he changed back, but didn't tell me it wasn't exactly like the old one (he left off the last number), but I figured it out on my own.

WH said he just wanted to have something that was "his own".

I told him I was not worried about his privacy that he wanted, I was concerned about "secrecy". Just a little something that someone posted (weaver or Mel) on someone else's thread a while back.

The MC totally agreed with me. Next session, we are discussing safe ways to communicate about the A, so that I can have my questions answered without "pushing each others buttons". Also working on communication.

WH is VERY kind, attentive, and affectionate. I feel very good about the way things are going. Of course, I am still wary, and will listen to my gut.

After reading KMEJ's thread, my heart was wreched. All I could think was "get out while you can!" Then thought of my own situation, and yes, everyone is right. We have to take 100% responsibility for our own lives.

"There are worse things than being alone." I totally agree.

So far, doing great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

hi k <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your updates make me smile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi LovingB...

Your replies always make me smile! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Don't see anything from anyone else....so I guess that everybody has given up on me. Oh, well.....

Still doing great.....so far.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh, by the way, WH is now reading HN/HN. He said "This is a really good book!" Go figure....

I have the questionaire printed out and ready to go for when he finishes the book. I did mine a long time ago. It really helped me identify what my needs are.

Now, Dr. Harley, you should write a book on personal boundaries, and how to go about protecting them. I think that would also be really helpful for a lot of us "wimps". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K,
I surely haven't "given up" on you!!!!! Your situation seems to be taking its course.

Your posts are much more positive now than they were before.

You go Gal!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

BtW: my husband really enjoyed it when I got silly! I would kissem and huggem out of the blue.............no matter how "down" the situation was. It got him laughing and me too!!!!

So don't forget "humor" !!!!! Get yourselves "laughing & giggling!" and believe me, that does wonders! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This brings in abit of pep and will make your present situation a little easier to cope with. If you're not used to it............still give it a try.
I remember one time, I bought a can of whipped cream! We ended up "giggling" and we had cream all over ourselves.

This was unusual and yet it really got us laughing and acting like children.

just a thought! (I know how hard things are in your situation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />) but it might bring out the *little boy* in your hubby! and the *little girl* in you!

take care
bb

Btw: we just had strawberries this evening with whipped cream!!!! This got me thinking! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K,

I think this all sounds promising.

Be vigilent in the no secrets rule, and with regard to the passward issue.

This is a deal breaker boundary when in recovery.

Good that the MC seems like a good one.

Hi Weaver and bb.....

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, humor does help a lot, and in so many situations! Thank goodness for humor!

Yes, I will maintain this boundary.....the passwords, and so many more things that WH needs to step up to the plate on.

As for me, I keep a watchful eye, but have no reason to be suspicious right now. And it really doesn't take much to get my "feelers" up and going!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi all....

Just to let you know, WH has changed his passwords all back to what they were. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He calls frequently to let me know where he is during the day, and also calls me while he is on his way home.

Slowly but surely, things keep getting better and better.

But I have a question....just something in the back of my mind....any ideas on how I would know if there is renewed contact if WH has figured how to "act" around me like he is really trying?

There are still so many parts of his day that I do not know where he is or what he is doing. I don't really think about it much, but sometimes I wonder. This all comes into the realm of "How did he carry on his A those 2 years while living at home?"

Some of it I have figured out, some of it I need to have answered. Next Wednesday at MC we are going to plan ways to ask questions about the A so both of us feel safe.

Still, I feel pretty good about how things are going.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Do you have his phone logs, K? It sounds like things are going really great. It will take a long time to rebuild trust, though. Hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />