Hey Lemonman! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So very nice to hear from you.......

I agree with everything you have said. I am "padded up" - as you say, and I'm ready for the fall.....if and when it comes.

I don't think I am making excuses for WH (please note that I still call him WH....and as for recovery, I have never really thought that was what was happening here. It's kind of like menopause.....you realize you are going thru menopause when you realize that the "natural" course of things hasn't happened in a while. Retrospective.)

I'm just wondering if WH really can break himself of his addiction.

All in all, he really does treat me a lot better than the times before....it's just the past several days that make me wonder.

He's doing things he hasn't done before, like taking me away for a "surprise" weekend.

If WH can't break his addiction, then I am fully prepared to go on with my life on my own.

That's where I am at. I have NO doubt about where I am at.

I can't fix him, or break his addiction for him. He has to do that on his own. And he is not going to do it at my expense. I've paid too much for his addiction already.

These are all things I know about me and my situation. Just so you know.

Being married to someone for almost 33 years....they become a part of everything you do and think. It's hard to put that aside.

Thanks for your reply......Hey! I thought you said you weren't going to reply to my thread anymore..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

But I do so enjoy your cut to the chase way of looking at things. It has a way of making those blinders disappear.

You must be one tough cookie!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K

"I still feel that I am in control here.....no matter what happens."

That's the most important thing, I think.

Hi all...

Just got back from the "surprise" weekend WH had planned for us.

We had a great time....lots of conversation.....no A or R talk. I wanted WH to spend some time with me that wasn't strained.

Now he is off on a weekend of scuba diving and camping with the guys in a pretty remote area.

The only problem there seemed to be this weekend was in the SF area....WH just doesn't seem to get much aroused by me. HMMMMMM........he did however seem to get more aroused when he started asking who I saw (at a place we went) that I would like to F*** - man or woman. So, I played along with his little fantasy. To me it was disgusting. Do all men really think that way? I hope not.

I would love to ask him if he is in contact, or has had any contact whatsoever with OW. I still have gotten no proof of any kind in that area. His cell and work phone passwords are all changed back to what they used to be.

His mood seems to have eased up, and I'm hoping a week away will do him good.

I feel a little deflated and a tiny bit suspicious....but have no real gut feeling right now to follow.

My declining state of mind is coming from (I'm sure) not being able to speak of my fears and doubts to WH. After our last MC session, I don't know what to think.

I would also like to speak to him of my pain and hurt, without him bringing his anger and blaming into the whole thing.

Honestly, thinking about our M experiences of the past, the only thing I can really think of that went wrong was perhaps things got a little boring - day to day, and this is why he went to someone else.

I was wondering if it would be a good idea for me to call our MC and make an appointment to see him this week alone. I don't know if the MC would do that or not.

I don't want to get info about WH or what he is doing in his IC. I just want to let the MC know where I am coming from.

What do you all think?

K

K, when you say that he has changed his passwords back, what do you mean? Do you have his passwords?

Hi Mel.....

He changed his passwords back to what they used to be - the ones I know. All of them. He didn't tell me when he did it, but I checked, and they were all back to the old passwords.

I'm glad you are on here........I'm really needing someone to talk to right now. Feeling kind of down and alone.

K

K, I am glad to hear you know the passwords. What is bothering you tonight?

I can't really put my finger on it....I was just reading Pep's thread about being "real"......

Makes me wonder if I really know ANYTHING.....about myself, about WH, what is REALLY going on....

Do I need to know that? I don't know what WH thinks, feels, does......and he doesn't really seem to want to know about the same kinds of things about me.

Is that why his A seemed so WONDERFUL? Because it was so superficial?

Did he REALLY think that Ho-bag was better in any way than me? Does he still?

I don't think I'll ever be able to have this kind of "real" conversation with WH.

We'll just live in a little cloud world, and pretend none of this ever happened. I'm sure that's what he would like. It's bull as far as I'm concerned.

Whenever I bring up any kind of a "hot" topic in MC, WH always says he's afraid this is always going to keep coming up. And I always say to him "this is all still new to me-especially since I just found out AGAIN not six or seven weeks ago that WH was still in contact with OW".

Do I need to know all of this stuff? Yes, I think I do.

That's why I was wondering if it would be a good idea for me to see the MC on my own - just to let him in on my side of the story.

What do you think?

If the WS is afraid of 'hot topics', tell him Boo!

Mine said similar. I told him Boo. He asked why I said that and I explained because he said he was afraid and I wanted to see him jump. More babble. Brought him to his senses for a moment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Well, I think you should not let his discomfort shut you up anymore, K. This is information to which you have a right to know. He wants to move on, and so do you, however, that can never happen until you know all the facts and you won't know that until he tells you. I would bring this up in counseling and make sure they both [MC and your H] understand that this is what you need to heal and ever rebuild trust.

Every time he stonewalls you,it just further erodes trust. So, if he ever wants to be trusted again, then he needs to be willing partner in your recovery. You will never ever trust him again as long as there are secrets that only he and ho-bag are privy to. Can you explain it that way?

And then, K, it is really important that you don't react to his anger. I think he uses his anger quite successfully to manipulate you into shutting up. Who gives a damn if he is angry? You have a right and a real need to recover from the damage he has inflicted. Telling you the truth is the least he can do. So, please stop reacting to his anger.

I think.....no, I KNOW you are right!

I have read many times how the people who just sweep it all away and try to forget this kind of a mess do okay for a while, then all the resentment and anger builds in the back of their minds, til it destroys them totally.

I don't want this to happen.....especially to me (sounds selfish, but oh well....).

I have endured enough destruction in my life these past few years....especially the last year. It's coming up to one year for D-Day #1. I think this is a lot of what is bothering me. Mother's Day for me last year was horrible.

I keep thinking back to different things that happened....like the Sunday night I had our old beloved dog put down.....I'm almost positive WH was with OW then. I had to do the whole thing on my own. That was two years ago....

I still don't know how WH kept his A going during the 2+ years while he still lived at home. I do know how he did it when after he moved out.....using his apartment for a closet pretty much.

I feel I'm no where near close to even beginning healing.

Some people have said that I'm so strong.....keeping on trying to work things out. Sometimes I think they are confusing strength with stupidity - or doormat behavior.

I DO think that I am much stronger than I have ever been, no longer a doormat.

As for Ho-bag....she's just that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

And I am "FOXY CLEOPATRA, AND I'M A WHOLELOTTA WOMAN!!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K

PS.. I'm taking your words (my version) to the next MC session with me. Unfortunately, that won't be for about two weeks.

hi k <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry that you're feeling down and lonely tonight. Do you play backgammon? Do you play on the computer? We could go play if you want.

Hi LovingB.....

No, I don't know how to play backgammon.....although I have always wanted to learn. I know how to play Cribbage, Black Jack.....I love games, but WH HATES games. Funny, he didn't used to hate playing games. He loved Trivial Pursuit, and Monopoly.

Where do you play? I have Hoyle games on my computer. I will look into it, and learn how to play! Then I think it would be great to play online!!!!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I could teach you in about ten minutes. It's one of those games like checkers that the moves are easy to learn and then the rest is learning strategy and practice.

Want to play tonight? I could meet you over where I play.

I would love to play tonight. But it seems like I missed your last post.......I was paying bills....

Tell me when and where......

I am on the West Coast. Don't know our time difference.

Sorry I thought you left.

Still want to play?

Yes....are you still here?

Good morning to all......

It pours down rain here. Another typical NW spring day.

Had a good nights sleep. Still feeling a bit down, but better. Obviously LovingB and I did not hook up to play backgammon.

I did however look in WH's car he drives to work everyday.....yes, snooping, I know. Didn't find much. A kite (I'm sure it's the one that he and OW bought on there celebration trip to the beach last August.....)

It was last August when I called his secret "adultery cell phone" because I couldn't find it in his apartment. He had it in his pocket the whole time he was here that weekend. When I called the number, he answered.

Later I called him and told him he was a free man. He and OW took the next day off work and went to the beach. He took her all the places we used to go. He bought her a kite. (I found all of this out by looking at his credit card statement).

Did OW give it back to him? When did she do that? These are all things I'm going to ask about.

Then, I'm going to burn it.

K

I just called the MC and left a message that I want to see him.

I really do want to let him know where I coming from, and to give him my side of the story.

He's never really heard my side.

Good idea? Or not?

K

MC just called me back, and I have an appointment with him on Thursday morning.

He didn't seem to have any problem seeing me alone. I hope I can get across to him the MB principles, and the things that I need.

I just feel that the MC sessions have been a little biased since WH has been seeing him in IC for a few months.

K

Sounds like a great idea, K! How long will your H be out of town?