Gingersnap - you are I seem to be in similar boats, though perhaps your boat sails in rougher waters than mine right now. Are you a reader? If so, and if you like the "zen-ness" philosophies, you might like reading The Celestine Prophecy. I don't know that it's true zen, but I think is along that same kind of spiritual path.

excellent suggestion, deja... i read it awhile ago, and i think it is very zen-esk...

another book that helped me was 'a road less travelled'...

I have not heard of the first book that deja suggested but I have heard of the one samm suggested.
Yes I do like to read I just have put it off for a while,maybe it is time to pick up another book and start <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Deja,yes the water seems so rough right now,maybe it is my fault because I will not settle for what my stbx wants.He wants to stay married however he is not willing to relocate to be with me,I refuse to move back to where he is(i lived there 13yrs and hated almost every minute of it)he was the one always telling me to move,when I would come over here to visit the kids he would call and tell me to get a job and stay so one visit last summer I did just that.He is content in having a M where he does not have to be an H full time.He basically wants his cake and eat it to.I cant live like this anymore,but I am also having a terrible time letting go of the only relationship I have ever had.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'm sorry - I hope you can find a way off the fence. Fence sitting is hard on the body, mind, and soul. Perhaps you can move on without burning bridges. Maybe you can let go of what's there today without giving up on tomorrow too.

Yes fence sitting is not good.I need to make a move but still am finding it difficult.

Letting go has proven to be the hardest thing to do.I know all the realities of my H,I will never be #1 in his life,he is not able to treat me the way I desire to be treated so why then do I still love him??

I know in my heart that I must let go NOT because I do not love him but for my protection from any further pain.

... letting go was also the most difficult thing to do for me too... and i did not 'truely' let go at 9 months, or so... even though i tried, i was not sucessful that soon after the sep... it took over a year, and some actions on her part...

why do we still love them... i have pondered that more times than i can count... for me, it came back to my nature, what we had (potential) when we started out, and a little of 'i want (back) what i can't really have'... when i could have seemingly 'had' her back, i would have had to sacrafice a lot of myself and gone against much of what i had learned... so i chose not to let emotions dictate my decision... and IMO, no matter how 'in the red' the LB is, i still think it takes a long time to actually close the account... i still do love mine, i think i always will have 'a' love for her... but i no longer desire to be in a R w/her... i have come too far and she has stayed 'too' the same... comes back to the trio for me... love is a feeling. M is a contract. and a R is work... i still have 'a' feeling-but not like it was, the contract is just about null and void, and we don't have a R anymore and i don't want to put any work into something that yeilds a negative return...

the first sentence of the first chapter of The Road Less Traveled: Life is difficult.

hang in there...

I found out 2 days ago he sent in the D papers without saying a word to me.It hurt.
I guess more that he did it and never even mentioned it so that I knew he had finally done it.Now all the flood waters came crashing down on me.Its final.I am so scared.I am so lonely.My head tells me what is right my heart says something else.
He never remembered our aniversary(well maybe he remembered it 3 or 4x in 28yrs)this yr I knew he forgot he swore he did not but was not the type to say "Happy Anniversary"(his words to me)and I found out the paper work was signed on our 28th anniversary.Of all the years to do something this was hard to handle.Maybe it was just a coincidence but I think not!

When I think of how life was with him I know its not what I want but still I cant let go I guess like you said,its more of what I wished it would be,hoped it could be,prayed for what it should be.

... ouch!!! i am sorry... and i feel for you... i am not sure that anything i can say will help... it was not easy for me to face the truth that after all of the pain that i went through being, what felt like at the time, thrown to the wolves, that this was the person that i wanted to and chose to marry, spend the rest of my life with and raise a family with... what a hard-core reality check that turned out to be...

i will tell you, when i was angry (8 months or so sep'ed), i wanted to just serve mine without any notice (almost did)... like a revenge of sorts (and yours doing it on your anniv sounds very contrived and vengeful to me)... to think of the sherriff showing up at her work (w/OM there looking on, as he would be) on a beautiful friday morning around 10 and how that would set the tone for the rest of the weekend... and she had told me not to do that... so at that time when i was angry, she gave me the bullet... i loaded it up, but clarity came soon after that and i realized that was just a mean thing to do... to purposely go against someones wishes, even after all the redorick, was just being vindictive and vengeful... and it, imo, demonstrates weakness, as one should never use D as a threat, puishment, or revenge... and it would give her a reason to be angry or even hate me... i want to be remembered in a positive light... she may even eventually regret what she has done and that may benifit her growth and strengthen her awarness of herself and the SOs in her future life... all i ever wanted was for her to be happy...

... being scared and lonely hurts and is hard... and it is easier said than done,,, but try to be strong... and do you really believe it is final?.. it isn't over until its over, in my book... even in my case, i don't consider it final just yet... there is no decree of D for me yet... and as much of a pipe dream it is... if she came to me the day before the hearing and demoed the nec changes and took the appropriate actions (and they matched her words), i would consider postponing it for awhile... and i told her that, too... but there is NC from her, so i susspect that would just never happen...

prepare for the worst and hope for the best... when head and heart are in conflict, the waters are choppy, for sure... there is calm beyond the storm... wished, hoped, prayed... know those three very well... i am not sure if it is time for you to let go of hope, only you will know when that time comes, imo... wishing is another subject all together... and it is never time to stop praying...

there were certain things i used to do that were detrimental... one of them was day dream and fantasize about how it would be to reconcile... that would put me into a funk, the minute i stepped back into reality... so i let go of that... and it helped... i never let go of hope, until it let go of me, and even then,,, the outside chance still exists... the odds are like winning the lottery for a million, but there are still odds, none the less...

hang in there... weekend is here for me, so it is off to the trail and mother nature... i will be back late sunday, if you want to post back... if not, good luck and stay strong... here is some zen that helped me...

Zen Suffering: The cause of all suffering is craving. Desire something that you do not have, and suffering will follow. Realize this and peace will be yours. Suffering will disappear and contentment will reign.

The Zen is true,,,,,I am craving and longing for something that I can not have therefore I am suffering.

Have a great weekend.

OK - what's wrong with this picture?

1. We hang onto love even when it's over.
2. We have trouble letting go of our marriages, or perhaps its the lost dreams we hang onto...
3. Then, we have trouble letting go of the anger.

Doesn't matter if it's love, hate, or anger -- we seem to really want to keep whatever feelings we've got going.

Me included. Yikes!

Your right!!!

Sometimes I feel like a child acting out just to get any kind of attention even if it is negative attention.

My STBX says he does not want to go thru w/the D that he wants to call it off and try one more time,,,,,,,,,,,,yet he does nothing at all to change to show me I matter.He called me alot on wed.after a friend called him and told him that letting me go was the dumbest thing he could ever do,that if he did not do something fast I would be gone forever and he could search his whole life and never find anyone that would love him like I have,and do.

But then comes the rest of the week and as the time goes on I hear less and less from him.Today he was in town but way to busy to stop by and talk,you would think that if I was that important to him he would not care,he would tell the guy he was doing a side job for that he would be back late because he had important business to take care of but no I am always last,always left waiting.

I only hurt because I keep allowing the hurt.I need to let go and go on that way he can no longer hurt me.Where do I find the strength to let go of all I have ever known??

From deep inside yourself, in a place you don't go very often, if at all. And from your faith, whatever that may be. You have to trust that things will work out and be better in the future. Or, decide to just let things ride for awhile - wait and see.

If you like logic, think of it this way: Do you like how you are feeling now? Would you like to stop feeling this way? Would you like the limbo to stop? If the answers are yes, it's a pretty sure bet that letting go will cause those things to change. And we can be sure things won't change if we keep doing the same things.

It might be easier for me to do because I've been there before, not only with relationships but with jobs as well. I've been unemployed several times - sometimes voluntarily, but sometimes as a result of a company closing. And this is my second divorce. The fear is now a familiar feeling for me. Each and every time I've felt the fear, and had the rug pulled out, my life got BETTER afterwards. I've always survived, and even thrived, so now I trust I can do it again.

You can survive and thrive too - whichever way you end up going. TRUST. FAITH.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Deja,
I have been praying and praying for a clear answer as to what is right.I still just dont know.

The logical thing is to get out,it has not been a happy 28yrs so why continue,my heart says something else.I am sure a lot of that is because of the length of our relationship and all we have been thru over our life time.

This is the hardest battle I have ever fought,and I dont know if there is a winner at the end.When I filed the D papers I really thought that was what I wanted,I am not so sure anymore.Maybe it is nothing more than the reality that a love that has lasted almost my entire lifetime has come to an end,and I am not good at goodbye's!!

gingersnap, deja... i was pleasantly surprised to see this thread still going... i have been away helping my family through yet another tragedy... sometimes i don't know how i do it, but somehow, i do...

deja... i think your insight is right on... you seem like a strong person, and i admire that...

gingersnap... goodbyes are never easy for me either... i just had to say goodbye to my three year old neffew who tragically passed away last sunday... change is scary and the fear is real... my only advice is be patient for answers... clarity came to me when i wasn't even looking...

i have to run now,,, i will try to post again later...

Samm I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy,life can be so cruel and seem so unfair at times.It is your faith,and your trust that makes it possible for you to do all that you do.

Sometimes when I look back at my life I wonder how in the world I have survived without going insain,but I know it has been only by Gods Grace,and that is still how I function from day to day.

Yes I have decided to just be patient,if later down the road I must spend the money to refile for a D then so be it,but for now I will not rush into it just because the money has been spent,money comes and money goes but it is the people in our lives that really matter.
At this point I can not say for certain that we will get back together,there is alot of damage already done but I also do not feel ready to let go so I wont.Time will tell me what is the right thing to do,and when the time is right I will have peace about the decision weather it be to get a D,or to stay in my M and make things work,,,letting go of the pain and hurt of the past and not looking back just ahead.

Oh Samm,

So SO sorry to hear about your nephew. What a tragedy - especially for a young child. My heart goes out to you.

(((((((((SAMM)))))))))

Now, I think you have found your answer. You seem more settled with being unsettled, if you know what I mean.

That tells me you are doing the right thing. Courage, my friend, courage. When the next decision needs to be made, you'll know it - and you'll know how to make it.

deja and gingersnap... thank you for the condoleneces and the hugs... very sad sittuation... doing everything i can possibly do for them... his 3rd b-day party was supposed to be tomorrow... going to spend the night again 2nite...

gingersnap... i agree with deja,,, sounds like you are gaining your focus and getting some pattience back... when the waters are rough, i look to the sky for comfort, for one day i will be one with the universe and at peace forever... in the mean time, i will play the hand i have been dealt in life and not feel sorry for myself...

Zen Patience: ...watch water drop onto the rock beneath it. one drop does nothing, but many drops over time create a hole in the rock. such is the power of patience...

I wrote a long reply the other day and it got lost in the process of posting so I gave up.

I just wanted to say that right now I do feel some peace,not sure what it is or why but I do feel better.Maybe it is just letting go and letting things happen instead of trying to make them happen.

I know that when the time is right I will feel it in my heart and have no regrets,and never wonder if I did the right thing,,,,,,,so until then I will let things be.

My H may never change,he has not so far,nothing has prompted him to,I guess I thought me filing for a D would slap him into the real world but it did not,and I'm not sure even a D would so for now I will not think about him and how he thinks but think of me and how I feel.I cant go on day by day feeling low,lonely and depressed so for now by letting go of the D,and just leaving everything alone I am feeling better.I am not thinking or worring about the future,about my M,or about getting a D and entering a world of being single.

Tomorrow however everything may change.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

There's some zen opportunities lurking throughout Slap's posts on EN and D/D. Atleast there were for me!

Sometimes we just zen out when we are least expecting it.

GS - glad you are feeling more settled with where you are at. That's kind of zen-ish too.

Zen, on that note, I think I'd best head off to bed!