I think this will all be coming to an end in the next few days. I can hardly see my keyboard as I type...should be interesting walking out of work with tears streaming down my face.

Anyhow I finally had had enough of the waiting and limboland. I asked my H..WH...FWH...whatever the hell he is, if he wanted me in his life....no answer...nothing. Yeah, yeah...I know I am supposed to stop asking him things, but damn it I deserve a life and I need to move on with or without him....I told him if he wanted a D I would give it to him.....again....I am so sick of waiting for him to make up his mind....

I have been taking care of me....running...going out with friends...taking care of the DD's...reading....but you know what....he needs to [email]sh@#[/email] or get of the pot. I asked him if he would like to go out with me sometime...thinking that we need to rekindle some good feelings if we were going to turn this around.....his response...."Not sure...need to think about it...or we need to talk more"....yeah sure....have the "its over" talk more like it. Why can't he just say that instead of making me wait while he stews.

Why is it that I know that I am smart, attractive, fun and I will go on....but right now I feel like crawling into a hole and dying... I don't even want to face what the next few days will bring...I want to run away. Please...someone take this from me

Are you in Plan B? If not, it sounds like you should be. Protect yourself from the pain and agony. If you're already in Plan B, why are you talking to him?

"Why can't he just say that instead of making me wait while he stews."

Why are you waiting? Why are you letting him control what you do? Go dark on him. He needs to see what life will really be like without you.

Just a bump for my friend Homer...

Homer,

A big hug to you. I don't know you, but I know You. You are doing well by taking care of yourself, your life and children. I wish I could say something to take away the pain, grief or resentment. But as a wise person once said to me, "the only way out is through."

Miriam Greenspan wrote a beautiful book called "Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair." From a review: In this heartfelt therapeutic manifesto, psychotherapist Greenspan (A New Approach to Women and Therapy) argues that grief, fear and despair are not pathologies to be medicated away but emotions that help us grow psychologically and spiritually. The disavowal of these painful emotions (which she blames on Western culture's privileging of "masculine" reason over "feminine" emotion; lifelong lessons in suppressing emotional pain; and modern psychology's focus on "dispelling feelings, not learning from them") leads to depression, numbness and violence in both individuals and the world at large. But by "attending, befriending, and surrendering" to grief, fear and despair we can effect an "alchemical transformation" through which they become "gratitude, faith and joy." Greenspan's eclectic approach to healing invokes "depth psychology, Hasidic Judaism and Buddhist meditation"; her desire to make "meaning out of suffering" owes something to religious traditions that acknowledge the redemptive value of pain, as well as psychoanalysis's dedication to lighting up the mind's dark recesses, while her praxis includes New Age and recovery movement therapeutics such as visualization, breathing exercises, "chakra bodytalk" and prayer. Drawing on her clinical experience and her own painful recollections of the death of her infant son and her parents' travails during the Second World War, Greenspan writes intensely and compassionately. This is a committed, serious look at the emotions most of us would rather sweep under the rug.

I highly recommend it. In the meantime, surround yourself with a powerful support system, and above all, BE NOW the kind of person who, on the other side of this, is healed, free, wise, powerful, beautiful, and at peace.

Thanks all...made it through another night.
Got home and called WHIH (my own acronym..whatever/whoever he is husband). Told him we had to talk and figure out what it was we were doing or going to do...that I could not take another day of this.
He came over and we discussed various things. I mostly poured out my heart to him and asked him to please take the risk and turn back around. I asked him to try to work with me on our marriage but I felt their was too much good to walk away. I am still certain he isn't feeling that. He said he is afraid that if he comes home to work on the R that nothing will have changed...he will end up leaving..and it will be over for good. It is as if he is afraid to try because he doesn't want to face the reality that it is beyond redemption. I say...at least when you walk away you can say you tried. Right?

Counselor....how do you get unwilling spouses who have difficulty expressing emotions or even recognizing them (due to family or origin issues) to be willing to do some of those "stupid" couples activities found in all the great relation help books? My WHIH often says he "sometimes" wants to be married to me...he "sometimes" misses me...he "sometimes" wants to come home, but those "sometimes" actually depress him, I told him next time he has a "sometime"....TELL ME....it would make me feel he is turning towards me and not away.

Anyone know why WH/FWH's are afraid to go over their EN list with their spouse?

I am going to try to run an 8K race at the end of this month, something I have never done. Found out my WHIH is planning on it as well...and guess what ...the OW happens to be doing it too!! (Not with him). I am hoping to actually see the OW...I want to see what the big "woodie" is all about.

I have been reading on this site for well over a year and have followed adviced directed towards my situation - even if it wasn't given specifically to me. I have at times gone against others advice too and most of those times I regret. Given what I know of your situation, I think you need to move to Plan B. Your H has way too much power in your life right now and he is giving you nothing. He seems like a typical cake-eater and appears to be enjoying the single life with marriage to a wonderful woman to fall back on whenever he gets sick of it. MAKE him get off that fence by taking away the option of having you to run to when he is done "playing". I think people often hesitate to go to Plan B because they immediately think the result will be a divorce, but I have seen the opposite effect - the spouse usually comes back. You already know that you can live without him if necessary - he doesn't know what he is losing yet. Just my two cents.

Spouse....Boy I think if I go back and read how many times people have told me to go to plan B, I would lose count.
You think I would get a clue? Yes fear is a big part of it.
We would have to start with splitting the $$$ I am afraid that these big changes would just make it say "well we've done all the hard stuff...lets keep going and get the D"

The one time I started to turn in the direction of Plan B
he assummed that meant I had given up and wanted a D.

Last night he told me that perhaps the few months before the EA when I was feeling close to him , and feeling good about our relationship, it was because he was bringing home the good feelings he had about the OW and expressing them towards me, and I thought they were about me. Puuuuck!!