I have a quick question for any WH's or anyone else who may want to share their thoughts about this. I am trying to understand my WH and his feelings. I want to understand what he is going through mentally so mayby i can understand him somewhat. A quick history. Married 14 years. Good marriage, 3 children. WH had an affair August, left home lived with OW for 3 months, came home in Dec. but did not establish NC with OW. Left again with OW 4 weeks ago. Found out from a reliable source the 2 of them are fighting terribly. SHould i just be there for when love in la la land is over , or should i push for an ultimatom. I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, I want him home but not until he's 100% commited to us, with nc with OW. He comes home about 2 x's a day to change clothes or eat, or play with the kids. WHen he says he feels like a piece of crap and is no good, is this sincere guilt or something else. He says he knows he screwed up and now he has to live with it. He seems very depressed, drinking, not eating, sleeping..If he was truely happy with this OW, would'nt he be showing more happiness in his life? I don't bring anything up that i know about his relationship with OW, i want home to be welcoming to him, even though i want to just throw everything in his face. I am really trying to be nice, but im seething inside. Do i just keep doing what im doing. Im afraid to get my hopes up that he'll come home. He says he always loved me and always will. Please give me some insight. thanks

If he has moved out to be with OW, why are you not in Plan B? Why are you talking to him at all?
Mulan

WVG

You are making it so easy for this guy.
He needs to understand that you want NC if he wants to think about coming home. You might want to have his clothes "laidout" for him on the driveway for his next visit home.
H

SHould i just be there for when love in la la land is over , or should i push for an ultimatom.

Why would he change his behavior now? Seems like he’s got “the best of both worlds” now.

I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, I want him home but not until he's 100% commited to us, with nc with OW. He comes home about 2 x's a day to change clothes or eat, or play with the kids. WHen he says he feels like a piece of crap and is no good, is this sincere guilt or something else.

My opinion? Something else. He wants YOU to feel sorry for HIM.

If he was truely happy with this OW, would'nt he be showing more happiness in his life?

Yes.

Do i just keep doing what im doing. Im afraid to get my hopes up that he'll come home?

I don’t think your H will change without proper motivation. Loss (or the fear of loss) can be an excellent motivator.

He says he always loved me and always will.

This is a scary quote. Watch this. It sets up an exit. Don’t fall for anything that allows him to play the “victim.”

thanks alot guys, for some reason i feel a sense of calm about making this choice, i am just about to the point of filing for a seperation. I really don't think he has comprehended that he is about to lose me. I have sent a plan B letter about a month ago, but he does not respect that at all. Mayby when he get seperation papers, he'll realize i am not playing his game. I refuse , for my sanity and my children's sake....I am really lonely though, and miss companionship. is this wrong? thanks alot guys...

Plan B is hard and you have to lay your foot down. Tell him not to come to the house to play or change his clothes or anything anymore as long as you are there. Get an intermediary set up so you don't have to be there when he comes to see the kids. You have to get active and be motivated in your Plan B no matter how hard it is. Make it a point to NOT be a part of his chaos and horrible life.

You are the only one that can change your situation so you have to put yourself forth and just do it. He will continue to use you as a back fall if you don't do something now. In my opinion a separation is not going to help alone. Now a great Plan B with a legal separation sent via mail would probably do quite a bit, esp considering that you have let him walk on you for a while now. He will have major withdrawals from not seeing you everyday and having his cake and eat it too. I know it is hard, I have been there. I bought the T-shirt. It sucks. There is nothing easy about it. You have to decide if you want your M or not. If you do then do a great Plan B, you have already done a Plan A way longer than you should have.

Just my opinion.

Read SAA over and over if you have to until you get the jist of Plan B. Also there is great info on this site about it.

Prayers and luck.

HINY

Focus yourself.

You say you're in Plan B and sent a letter and then he's still at your house 2 x's a day and not respecting it.

Where are your boundries? Why are his clothes at your house? Why don't you have a schedule for his playtime with the kids?

The MB method is pretty precise. Plan A and expose the affair. Have a set time frame for when Plan A ends and Plan B starts. During your Plan A time you leave the best possible impression of you with the WS. Plan B is a loving transition. Protect yourself and your love for WS.

If you're in Plan B, you have NO CONTACT with WS and let OP meet ALL of their needs. You stop anaylzing whether or not WS is happy because its not your problem. Your problem is yourself. Focus your plan.

Ditto HINY and Lexxxy. nuff said. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You can do it! It's what he needs. It's what YOU need.