Welcome.

I'm curious about your story and your involvement here at MB.

Do you do this all day long as a "job" as well as posting here?

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

...and if you do, are you available for counseling/coaching?

-ol' 2long

Hehehe, that's a good one. I'm actually on vacation for two weeks in Florida, visiting some friends and family. I’m glued to the computer today because the rental car is out being used, and I wanted to catch up on email and research. So you’re getting me full force today!!

I have been counseling for over 10 years and work with people who are committed to having successful relationships and don’t know exactly how. By relationships I mean business, romantic, family, athletic teams, etc. Sometimes we tend to hold relationships of the romantic/life partner kind in a different light than other relationships (employer/employee, sister-brother, business partner – business partner, etc.). And although all relationships have different dynamics, the same universal principles apply to them all.

As far as who I am, I am 36, married, two beautiful kids (son is 10, daughter is 8), and a survivor of infidelity in my marriage. Still married. Still happy. Still growing.

I joined MB because I’m very familiar with Harley’s work, used some of it in my own marriage, and have even employed some of his concepts (like LB’s and the questionnaires) in surprisingly relevant arenas (corporate, business, athletic teams, etc.). On a personal note, I also joined MB because I am always amazed at how human beings develop relationships with each other, even online, and how incredibly supportive an online community can be, especially for those who in their own natural environment feel alone or misunderstood. So KUDOS to you all for caring for one another in this way.

The biggest human need, I think, is to feel heard and understood. We can deal with all types of disagreements when prefaced with “I hear you” or “Yes, I understand what you are communicating.” Don’t you think?

Having said that, the ONLY way to fulfill the BIGGEST need is to be in relationship. Hence, MY line of work. I’m passionate about how human beings relate to one another, how we heal each other, how we unconsciously demand to feel important – even while unconsciously causing pain, how we build up each other, and my life purpose is to empower us to love one another because we are all one.

Does it sound cheesy? Maybe. But I bet if you go back to being the five year old little person you were once, you’d probably have the same agenda <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And yes, I am very much available for counseling and coaching. You can email me offline at [email]yourbestlife@bellsouth.net.[/email]

Thank you for your reply.

And how did you select dleightonc to zero in on?

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hm...

...I'd be interested in learning more...

-ol' 2long

I picked a topic that was fairly recent when I signed on, and the rest is history.

I'll be jumping in on others as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> so don't feel left out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Right on!

Nothing wrong with cheesy in my book. And if you throw in the requisite 2x4 (but not at me ) every now and then, you will fit like a glove around here.

Glad you are talking to Dleigh, as it has been a very rough year for him.

Gosh yes.

It took my H and me a long time to learn this, but it's made a world of difference since we have. It was quite a barrier to break through. We know we're never going to agree on 100% of the issues, but we no longer respond to one another as if the other's POV is invalid.

Gotten a lot better at listening instead of just waiting for our turn to talk too.

~ad

I for one am grateful for your "zeroing". As Weaver (who's been a great support) mentioned. The last year has been a saga, to say the least. MB is a great resource and we welcome you. I thank you, too for sharing, and reminding me I can choose better.

As I said in a previous post, d, it's about "what's next" for you. Not forgetting what last year was, by any means, but also, don't hide behind it as if it defines you. You are bigger than your past, bigger than your feelings, bigger, even, than your PRESENT perspective. You are the noticer AND the noticed. You are a creature AND creator -- at the same time.

It is wonderfully empowering and humbling at the same time. I'm glad to be part of this wonderful community. I'll be browsing through more topics and offering my two cents here and there -- at least for the next week and a half until vacation is over -- then I'll probably be more sparse. But I'm glad I found you all.

I'd be interested to know what your professional background is, Counselor1. If you're not comfortable talking about it here, that's fine -- just let me know and I'll e-mail you.

Counselor1...what is your home state?

Susan

Hi Susan,

I live in Boston, MA. But went to school in Florida, so Florida is like a second home to me. I have a lot of friends and family here.

Counselor1

So often we read on this board about posters who have less than helpful experiences with counselors out there in their real world.

It's been very helpful to read your responses to dleigh, you remind me of my very beloved counselor who helped me through some very rough spots several years ago.

I found her through a referral from my best friend. Since those types of referrals don't happen very often, can you offer some thoughts to MBers as to how to choose a counselor that's right for them?

I'm not sure that there's a formula for "the best counselor", since people's lives are inherently individual and do not fall into categories or neat little boxes.

Here's what has worked for me:

1) Being 100% committed to my clients being the best HUMAN BEING they can be -- regardless of what relationships they're in or getting out of.

2) Being compassionate about their emotions, fears, concerns, and even self-limiting beliefs without being an accomplice to them. If they hired me so that I can join in their pity party, 1- I'll smell it and will decline or 2 - they'll give it away during counseling and they'll either have to be open to seeing it differently or be willing to see a different counselor.

3) Being aligned on spiritual beliefs and values. Don't go to a Jewish counselor if you're not at least willing to apply Jewish principles to your marriage. It seems so logical, but you'd be surprised at how many people go to a Christian counselor because they want the WS to "see it God's way" when what they really mean is "see it my way and conform."

4) BE WILLING TO DO THE WORK. AND THEN DO IT. Willing is not the same as wanting, and certainly not the same as committed. Saving, reinventing a relationship is WORK. Not hard or easy work. Just work. And you must be willing to be 100% responsible for its success, and 0% on the other side. Sometimes that seems unfair and illogical, but in over 10 years of practice, the only thing I've seen have consistent success is when someone stands 100% responsible for something. 50/50 only works with half-people, not whole people. And we are all whole!

counselor1 - I'm sorry to butt in here, but I have been following your posts and really respect your views.

I have an urgent thing to decide in my situation with WW. If you have the time, would you mind giving me your take on things? Here is the link to my thread:

Squiggle's Thread

Thank you,

Squiggle

C1,

What you say makes sense - especially the part of doing 100% of the work on ourselves.

That may surprise some of the people on this board. Whew, Steve Harley certainly held my feet to the fire in coaching me in recovering our marriage.

I was amazed at the time how much work was required of me, the BS...I had much to learn!

Thanks for the suggestions!

Welcome from me as well.

We frequently read posts here about very questionable advice from "counselors", but we rarely have the opportunity to bounce these stories off of a "real" counselor. Assuming you are "real", what are your credentials?

Do you intend to respond to posts here with your counselor hat on, or merely as one of us "learners of life?" If you intend to post as a counselor, as your chosen MB name suggests, what are your plans to balance any ethical concerns with the fact that you may be offering advice on very little information? Perhaps a caveat or disclaimer would be appropriate? What I mean is that we offer each other advice freely, knowing that each other are amateurs. We can guage our reliance on any advice with that in mind.

Again, welcome.

Actually, I'm here as a learner of life. As I mentioned to someone offline, my intention in being here was not to subversively "mine for clients".

I am glad to offer my viewpoint as a human being. Counselor1 is a screen name. Some people have "broken so and so" or "disgusted in blah blah" as screen names, I hardly think that's the attribute they most identify with. My profession is an extension of who I am, not the other way around.

That being said, here are my "credentials": B.A. and M.S. in Psychology from the University of Miami. Founding Member of International Association of Coaches, Member of International Coaching Federation, Assistant Coach at coachville.com, Member of the American Psychological Association, and Ph.D. Candidate in Adult Clinical Psychology, also from the University of Miami.

So consider my posts here the same as yours: one human being to another. Anything else is someone else's filters, not mine.

Be blessed,

Not 2 threadjack, but 2 set the record straight for those who don't know my his2ry:

"Some people have "broken so and so" or "disgusted in blah blah" as screen names, I hardly think that's the attribute they most identify with."

In my case, 2long is just short for 2longhistory2quit, my login name. Various people have thought 2long alluded 2 the length of time I've been at this (a long time, 2bsure), but it wasn't intentional. I also think it "looks cool" on my screen...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Others have thought I might be bragging, but if that were the case, I would have selected "3pod" as a username! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long