Hi guys

Near the beginning of the A the OW said that at the end of the A "you are left feeling empty". In my mind I thought that it wouldn't happen to me but it did. My W also has bouts with the same feeling(she shared with me last) PM. I asked her what was the "because" for the emptiness and she replied that there are many "becauses" but gave nothing specific.

We have made great strides in our recovery and I feel that we are ready to "tackle this one" but I do not know where to begin. I do not blame the feeling I have on anyone and sometimes I think it isn't related to anything it is just something that comes with anti-D's. I will not stop the AD's because it is too risky.

I feel that this feeling maybe our last hurrdle. I do want Mrs H to have a full and complete life. I just don't know for sure where these feelings come from. Both Mrs H and I have been having difficulties with aging parents (her dad my mom). It seems that our parents have "abandoned us" where we were once the favored we are now the unfavored and that has left us both weary...

I know no one has a magic wand out there(well maybe Pepperband does). I am just voicing the reality of my life and perhaps someone has some "choice words"
H

Hiker,
I have nothing to offer in the way of suggestions. Just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I feel the same exact way. Maybe my ADs are fighting the depression off. Not sure.

Mac

Hi Hiker,

I'd guess it's just normal phase of any long term relationship. Are you thinking it would be different if you had D'd your W (or your W had D'd you)? I'd bet any action one could take after an A leaves a person (especially a FWS), with feelings of regret and emptiness... There is a lot of trauma involved no matter how it is resolved. Leaves one feeling shell-shocked.


So, your OP was a very experienced OP to know all this, huh? What is the phrase, something about a planted suggestion...? If she was so wise, why'd she start an A? I know she was a family friend, but I'd hesitate basing relationship advise on things the OP said during the A...

Can you define 'feeling empty', or can you say when you did or didnt feel empty before? Could another word be substituted for 'empty'? I'm just trying to get clarity.

I'm thinking you may be reading too much into this 'feeling'. Feelings change, you know.

How about a little vacation with Mrs. H? Something fun... Please take care - Dru

Dru

Yes OW was experienced with other A's.
A D was a consideration by W but I think we both realized that a D would not give us the "peace" that we sought. You are definately right about the "trauma". I don't know where these "notions" come from, I mean the idea that this A is really "harmless" and the emotional damage will be minimal. I don't remember thinking that but it must have been ratteling around in my head somewhere to have me move on to having an A.

I can only say that the A was a kind of "intoxication". The effects were so great that I lost my balance. I was the drunk who insists he can drive home because he's not that drunk. The aftermath is a long hang over that lingers and reappears.

Before the A I thought something was missing(I guess it was a few loose screws...pardon the pun). It was a temporary fix that left a hole bigger than the one I tried to fill in the first place.

By "empty" I guess I am saying that there is no emotion. It isn't a full time condition it is something that just appears.

For my W she expalined it something like this: I used to look forward to organizing and putting things together now I just don't care...I really don't understand her comment because I have seen her organize family gatherings just as she did in the past.

For me it seems to be stuck in a routine that isn't very exciting although there are aspects of my life that I am receiving great satisfaction. Certainly knowing that we have saved our marriage is one of them.

I feel more guilt for my W's emotional state...I mean I would rather she not have the empty feeling...it was my choice not hers to have the A. It would be part of my penalty but she did no wrong
H

Hi Hiker,

I guess I'm wondering, are you both trying to attribute this 'slump' to the marriage or the A? I mean when things slow down in life, dull at work, not much new going on anywhere, these kinds of feelings are pretty normal in everyone's life, you know...

I'm re-reading 'Getting the Love You Want', and your post makes me think of the Loving Exercises. Where you perform acts of love for your S, as a gift, with no expectations of repayment. The theory is that our 'old brain' doesnt realize that these loving acts are directed outward, it just sees that there is LOVE in the brain, and therefore starts to feel 'love'.

I get in ruts pretty often (I think we've discussed this before, ours have coincided in a full on bluesfest on one occasion). I really have to MAKE myself do something different to get out of the rut. I forced myself to pick up that (damned!) book again. I just remembered thinking how great the book was when I read it. Reading it again has made me feel more sympathetic, and a bit more loving in general. I needed a push in the right direction.

Anything you can think of to jump start you two? Got a vacation you two can start planning for? Little get away? You two start taking an evening class at the JC together? Or something totally wierd, like knitting, quilting, yoddling, noodling, welding, sky-diving or kayaking???

I think you're pretty normal, so are these feelings. Dont worry about this too much, ok? - Dru

Dru

Thanks for the suggestions...It is nice to hear from someone that I am normal...mommie never thought so.

We are planning a trip to Germany but that will be in June.

Most everything I try is totally wierd...But I did want to yoddel when I was a kid
H

Hiker,

you are both reacting "NORMAL"!!!!!

We too have been there and this feeling seems to come as a wave. It will come and it will go.

Take it as a time to "Rest".

BTW: If you need any ideas concerning Germany, feel free to ask!!

take care
bb

Hiker,

if you wanna try something "exciting" when you're in Germany............how about renting yourself a "fassssttt" car and take a drive on the Autobahn. A friend from Canada once told me (while doing this) that is was the "second" best thing in the world!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yoddel................you'll get your wife to do this while she is sitting by your side!!!!! or she might not be able to make any sounds! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

No seriously, if you need any ideas, let me know!!
bb

Hiker
I think one of teh attractions of progressing an A once you have a toe in it is the sensory overload : that frission of 'love' , guilt, naughtiness, rebellion, SF, 'specialness' etc.

A FWS may realise all that was BAD but it sstill going to leave a hole. It seems to me only drugs and affairs deliver that rush.

Layne Staley, from Alice In Chains write lyrics about folsk who knw teh rush of drug abuse : "We are an elite race of our own - stoners, junkies and freaks".

Well maybe WS/FWS are an elite race too...as they/you know what it is to have you life consumed with the good/bad sensations of an affair ?

Heres a dumb thing - even as a FBS I am feeling life's a little dull: the 'fight or flight' of responding to my soap opera story has gone and we are both treating life very tentatively, in case we do something stupid.

All that drama is happily dead and buried, its the adrenaline rush thats left a hole.

Is that your 'emptiness'?

I think talking to long-recovered FWS will help you Hiker. They have obviously learned to either fill that 'empty hole' or at least deal with it.

All blessings.

bumping up

Yeah, LO, I know what you mean. My mom wasn't too impressed with me, either. But you know what they say... if they can take a f*, joke'em... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Totally Wierd

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Dru

I think I'll stick to hiking...
Actually when you included "noodling" I thought you were refering to what musicians do on their musical instruments...then I thought you mis-spelled
nude-ling...and I supposed it was a husband/wife thing.

I think part of the "emptiness" has been the depression I have been fighting. It really has been difficult for me to overcome. It seems just when I get a "good run" going the med's crap out on me and I sink into a pit. It has affected every aspect of my life.
H

I'm sorry. I fight depression, too. It's a b*tch.

Hang tuff... it always passes - Dru

Dru

The insidious thing about it is that I find myself "there" almost w/o realizing I have declined so much.

I really feel that many here on this board are fighting the same battle. Moreover, I believe, it was one of the factors that lead to the A. I have been in that "state" for so long that I became comfortable being depressed, it became "home" for me. I am discovering that I want out of that persona more and more. Having the A seem to allow me to break from that in some odd way. I surmise it might be like the shy person who has to drink in order to become the "life of the party" or feel socially accepted.

It is tragic to use others to satisfy a need in a life. Sadly many have not been properly equipped to deal with their own needs and find themselves unable to fulfill their own desires.
H

Hi Hiker,

Yes, I bet the A was akin to Electro-shock Therapy in treating depression. Nothing like living on the razors edge of life and death to get the pulse going... it's hard to be depressed when your nervous as a cat.

I bet you are right that this is a major component in marriages. Seems we all find some way of treating our problems. The goal is to find the better ways... sex, food, drugs, alcohol; nothing good ever comes from these. I find I'm using too many of these crutches lately myself... I have GOT to snap out of this.

Good snap vs bad snap... we gotta think on this. I used to do volunteer work years ago, and the thought keeps crossing my mind that I need to find something new like that. I keep cleaning out closets, the garage, reorganizing things and taking tons to good will... things that make me feel productive. H & I just started planning our vacation (you'd die!), so that's good.

What do you think might help you? I'm open for suggestions,too... Hope you have a good day - Dru

Dru

The three things that help me keep it together are the outdoors, music and exercise.

The problem I run into is most of the outdoor stuff I like is a bit extreme for others but just being "out there" is a benifit for me. I am a performer of sorts and so when I am playing(music) on a regular basis that helps (and right now I am). Lastly I like group exercise classes like spinning and step. Exercise is the thing that is most available to me so I try real hard to stay involved. When ever I plunge into any of these it helps me pull away from the "depths".

I keep saying I am going to join the Sierra Club but I haven't. As with most of us I find myself out of time most days. It seems like I cannot really put enough time into any one thing to satisfy my need. Eeeekkk now I sound like an addict who needs a fix.

Lets see sex, drugs and rock and roll (the roll is the food part). While in college I felt I was headed for alcoholism so I quit for the logest time until I realized I could control my drinking and I didn't need it to prop me up. Drugs never really became an issue. That leaves sex and food OK so I am over indulgent...nobody's perfect.
H

Hiker, don't know your story but the subject caught my eye. Feeling "empty" from EA that ended 2 months ago. I have spent countless hours trying to label the feelings (as probably most of us have). For me, the feelings & "highs" of the EA were feelings I haven't had for many years. I've been married for 18 yrs! What wonderful feelings! But now, wondering how to live without them - or - how to transform your M to once again have them. I'm struggling with if it's even possible to have them with H, or adjust life differently and fill it with something else.

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you said the A filled a hole that you didn't really even know was there. THEN, a bigger hole is left when it's over. Sometimes I wish to just feel as I did before the EA, other times I don't want that because I know it wasn't good either. I think life is constantly changing and what we've done & been through we will just have to adapt to accordingly. Hopefully TIME will help heal these issues.

[color:"midnightblue"]Hi Hiker.
I just used a quote from 'cardsonly' post, in a message to Mixed Molly, in her thread: "Withdrawals stink."

MB members beware as there is some ADULT sexual content im my post on that thread!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Now that will draw people to that thread for sure!~lol~

Hiker, maybe you could add some WISDOM to her thread since you are
a REFORMED WH.

Sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />[/color]

Ah geeese I am a reformed "WS"

No I am a husband I was "one of those" but now I am better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Each experience, good or bad, adds to what we must "adapt to". We need to "change the things we can" rather than adapting to them and "accept what we cannot change" instead of struggeling and of course have the "wisdom to know the difference".

Thankfully we are emotional beings. Sometimes I wish as the Hunchback of Notredame said to the gargoyl "why couldn't I have been been of stone like thee?" It hurts to hurt and it is even worse to be empty. But we only have so much fuel. We should "fuel" others so that they in turn can refuel us. Our spouses are the ones that have the resposibility...guess what we are a spouse too.
H