Two years ago my husband and I were married. We were at the time working in seperate states for a month. My husband flew in for 12 hours for the wedding. I was having a pretty hard time of it, and unforgivably I was not sharing my feelings with my husband. Two days before the wedding I kissed another man, no "making out", just a kiss. Two days fter the wedding, I ended up "fooling around" with the same guy. No nakedness or sex, but a grave betrayal none-the-less.
Upon reuniting with my husband one week after the wedding, I confessed my confused feelings and the kiss. He understandably freaked and told me to leave. We very quickly got back together to work things out, and things have been pretty much fine for the last few years, with no mention of the details of the affair, just apologies and acceptances and reassurances on both sides. My shame and remorse was and is complete and sincere. I knew the moment he told me to leave that I had made the biggest mistake of my life, not only in the affair, but in my confusion over my relationship with my husband.
In the last month my husband has undergone a personal crisis, feeling depressed about life in general. He doesn't seem to know why, but he has expressed his feelings to me of confusion, frustration, anger, sadness, and uncertainty of all aspects of his life. Last week we called a psychologist and made an appointment for tomorrow.
Three days ago he suddenly asked me for the details of my affair. He said it had nothing to do with his current situation, but that he just "needed to know" if I had told him the truth about only kissing the OM, and if not, what the details were. He said he trusted me now, and knew I would never do anything like that again, but that he just NEEDED to know. I became very upset, but only said I did not want to talk about it. He dropped it.
Since then we have not talked about it again, but he has distanced himself, sleeping on the couch, not touching me or telling me that he loves me. He has been polite, but that's it. I asked him if i was in his future, and he said as far as he knew.
I am getting more and more confused and upset by the day about what I should do.
Please let me know what you think.
Thanks.

You need to tell him. My WH has told me very little . I have all sorts of movies playing in my head. I do not think it went sexual now -however for months I saw him with OW and it was so bad. Much worse than what did take place. The pain of not knowing is the worst. The fact that you do not trust him enough to talk and be honest hurts as well. It rips my heart out - talk to him. Be honest -ya it will be hard on you but its worse for him. Thats my 2 cents anyway.

Wawatasse,
I'm a BH. My wife never told me the truth until I had irrefutible evidence. Not exactly the stuff to restore trust.

I had a different take on your situation. I hope I'm wrong.

I tried to put myself in your H's position. Why is he intrested in details so long after the fact? Has he continuously asked you for details or has this new request been "out of the blue"?

Depression can make people act strangly but is it possible that he is asking for this info now as a way to rationalize his own bad behavior?

Mac

He has a right to know the details about the affair. For you to have a secret with the OM that he is not privy to is another betrayal of trust. These are details about HIS LIFE which have been wrongly withheld from him for some time. Don't compound the crime by continuing to withhold this from him. He is trying to heal so he can move on. He cannot do that if you refuse to tell him.

W,

Why in the world woundnt you tell him?

You hurt him, you betrayed him. You apologized, made promises, etc. You said there was no sex. Why wouldnt you tell him? (and if you tell me it's because of YOUR feelings of hurt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />... well, I'll wait for your reply)

You said he only asked if you told him the truth last time. A simple YES would have ended all this, but you decided to punish the man for asking? I must be missing something.

If I could alleviate someones pain with a simple admission of the truth, that was already known, I'd do it it a heartbeat. Not to do so would be cruel.

I can only imagine what's going on in his head since that conversation. He can only assume the answer must be NO, lies, lies, lies, otherwise you would have told him.

Please tell me I'm missing something - Dru

I'm sorry it wasn't clear in my previous posting. I told him we had kissed...not that we had fooled around. I didn't want to tell him "yes" when it wasn't the complete truth. But I am also scared to get into this topic now, especially, when he is so depressed about other issues in his life. I am afraid, period. I know I have no right to those feelings, but I do. I dont want to hurt him further, I dont want him to think about my horrible betrayal, and I dont want him giving up on us while he is in a state of depression as it is.
As far as CWMac's addition, the question was COMPLETELY out of the blue- we haven't spoken about it in well over a year. I never thought that he might be searching for "excuses" or reasons for his unexplainable sudden depression.

Wawa, I suspect that he has been holding this in for some time and has not been able to move on without the facts. Perhaps that is the root of his depression. [anger turned inward] He needs to know the complete and entire truth and has a right to have his questions answered. It is up to him to decide what he can and cannot handle. If you don't tell him everything, that will further erode his trust because it is a betrayal. He has a right to know, wawa, and you have no right to withhold it from him.

HI W,

If you didnt want him thinking about it, you went about it in the wrong way. You left him hanging to imagine things much worse than I'm sure actually happened.

It would be a nice gesture to apologize for the abrupt response, and ask him if he'd like to ask you anything now. You need to recover from this exchange, and get him to see that you really are remorseful and that you can be a wonderful W to him. I'm sure he's still feeling pretty bad.

I'd be pretty depressed too if I thought my marriage was based on a lie... (ask me how I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />).

Good luck to you! - Dru

wawa

If he wants to know you need to tell him.
I am not the one to give advice because I tried and tried not to give information. In the end the truth came out. It was more hurtful doing it that way then just stepping forward with the info.
H

This behavior of yours more than confirmed his suspicions that there was more than what you initially told him.


Fear is normal but when you let it rule you and your relationship with your H, it will only continue to strengthen the wall of secrecy that exists between the two of you and make it much more likely that another affair [either yours or his] will materialize in the future. Please reconsider you choice not to tell him the whole truth.

TMCM