That little smiley describes exactly how I am feeling right now.

Summary - d-day for my 4 mo EA/PA was nearly 2 years ago. NC ever after d-day. Tried recovery, but STBXH had an 5 mo EA with d-day being last October. We had separated in August and have been living apart since. Divorce papers were filed in October by me.

Over Christmas, we began speaking again. Just on civil terms. And only when something financial etc came up (with two or three exceptions).

The weekend before last, I met STBXH for dinner to exchange vehicle registration and tax info. After dinner, he called me to his car and gave me a birthday present (surprise because neither of us had gotten anything for the other over Christmas or Valentines). Turns out he bought me a $200 watch. I felt so guilty because just earlier that week, I had been ready to finalize the D.

At that moment, I broke down and asked what we were doing. We then had a 5 hour talk about the screwups in our marriage and with regards to our affairs. I was able to share a lot of what I had learned through these boards and counseling. He finally had some of those 'aha' moments where he realized that his A was not right either. He also finally admitted to helping contribute to the degradation of the marriage. It was a new side to him - willing to take some responsibility instead of pushing it all off on me.

BUT , there are some other things about him that have not changed. I forgot my phone earlier that day (was going to easter lunch at a girlfriend's house), so I called from her house. Apparently he had called before I phoned him, and I did not answer. Although he did not say them until later, he admitted that the first things going through his mind were "who is she F*ing" "She's a whore" etc. he also still goes and drinks an awful lot. I did tell him that I would not put up with comments like that and that I do not want a lifestyle of drinking - period. Those are non-negotiable.

The next couple of days, we e-mailed very emotionally. We both have the same feelings. We don't really want to let go, but we also don't want to be back together right now. We both think that getting back together would be toxic. But we also don't want to miss a chance at reconciliation.

He then e-mailed me saying that he was trying to change himself so that honesty is always his policy. He wrote that he wanted to confess some things that he had done while we have been separated (that he was ashamed of) - things that he had alluded to, but never really been honest with me about. Just 'in case' we got back together.

I e-mailed him back, and said that I wasn't sure yet if I was ready to hear them.

So now here we are. In limbo again. Not really knowing what to do. These are indeed positive changes. No doubt. And perhaps he could continue to grow. But at this point, I'm not sure I can wait. Part of me just wants to move one direction or the other. I'm tired of being uncertain. I'm tired of being passive about it. I feel like I am stuck in a rut right now.

I don't want to date. In fact, I'm horrified of that. But I'm also horrified of going back to the relationship. If he was feeling those things when I didn't answer my phone and we are not even together.......then I can only imagine our relationship would go back to what it was before. And I will not do that.

I'm also scared of giving this another chance because I don't want to have to grieve again. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am somewhat happy with life again. But it's not so far ingrained in me that I couldn't slip back into the same state as before.

Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired of waiting. Yet I do still care about him very much. I don't really know if I love him anymore. I don't truly know him right now.

Any suggestions?

Thanks!

Hello LIT
I have kind of followed your story since I first saw you on JFO,I really dont have advice but wanted to let you know that I can relate to so much of what you said.

Even tho I did not have a revenge A,my story right now sounds alot like yours.I also want to let go some days and others I think I want to make it work,but without any real change from my stbx why??

I wish that I could advise you on what to do but I just wanted you to know that I am here dealing with simular fellings.
Funny you should write about the gift.........my stbx did not do anything for me for my b-day but he gave me a wonderful valentines day,,,,,,,,in our M he NEVER gave me a valentines gift and it made me wonder why now??

I wish there was a clear answer to all of this.Anyway just wanted to show my support for your situation.
Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gosh LIT, your situation sounds a little like mine these days. I posted an update over on GQII. My exH and I have been chatting a bit again, and he too is finally taking responsibility for his mistakes, and for contributing to the downfall of the marriage, and apologizing, and being more honest, etc. What I forgot to include in my post over there was that he too sent me a birthday gift for the first time in 3 years, a pretty snazzy gift as well.

I, like you, don't want to get back into it to have it all fall apart again and have to grieve all over again. But, the changes in my exH are striking, and have caught my attention.

For me, I'm not going back, I'm trying to take our conversations as a chance to process things, and help me move on. Actually, they're only phone conversations, I won't allow myself to see him in person, I'm too afraid of caving and getting involved again.

I'm not sure what advice or suggestions to give you. Like you, when I filed for Dv it was because I was tired of being in limbo, and tired of being uncertain. I preferred to get out and move on instead of wondering what was going on. I'm much happier now on my own than back being stuck in limbo, that's for sure. As one person posted to me on GQII, it's better to be alone and happy than with someone and be miserable.

It seems to me that you sound more like you would prefer to be out of limbo and leave him behind than you sound interested in waiting around for things to get better.

If nothing else, I just wanted to let you know that I feel like I've been close to where you are at quite recently.

Jen

Have you tried counseling?