Hi,

When I make a mess, I really do up right! I need some advice. I travel for my job and I recently went to India. While I was gone, I typically have a difficult time as I fear that my WH is contacting the OW. I haven't any proof of this and I believe it is my inability to trust him. I went a year thinking there wasn't any contact, when there was. (secret e-mail accounts, phone cards) I found this out by using e-blaster, a software monitoring system at the end of October.

My WH wrote OW an e-mail and Bcc me over a week after I asked him to after D-Day. The e-mail itself was disappointing, only said he wanted to try with me and actually thanked her for her support! Anyway, as I was fooled once, I have a real fear that there is continued contact. I can't possible figure out all of the ways they could still be incontact.

This weekend my WH worked all day on both Saturday and Sunday. We own a business and are currently moving to a new space at the end of this month. He needed to do some work, but I was concerned about the amount of time spent away from home. This just increased my insecurity. Soo, since I read e-mails they sent to each other, I knew a sort of "tone" my WH had w/her in his e-mails. So I set up a yahoo account with the first name of a co-worker of theirs (my husband no longer works there) and sent a message to her personal account with a few short words sort of in the tone of my WH, and signed it "me". I then went onto IM went on instant message under my WH's id (I knew is password bc of the spyware)to see if she would contact my WH and "accidentally" sent her an instant message. I say accidentally bc maybe it was overt. She did respond to the IM twice, neither of which I responded to, I was in shock over what I did. She responded to the e-mail two days later in general terms. No indication of my WH.

Besides feeling like the stupidest person alive at this point, should I answer the e-mail as if it were sent to her in error, ignore it completely, close the e-mail, tell my WH? I am now worried that I have set the stage for her to contact my WH, if there really was NC. I really am disappointed in myself and wonder why I did it.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Can anyone please advise? Thanks!

nab, I don't think its a big deal. Just close down the email address and quit playing chicken with her. I agree that you should keep your eyes peeled and watch your back, but I wouldn't go about it this way.

You didn't say what was said in your email to her beyond 'a few words'.

I think that you shouldn't go any further wtih the email or messaging. Did she respond in any way that would make you think that they are still in contact? If they are, then she will let him know what she received soon and ask if it was from him. They will put two and two together. If he asks you anything about it you will know and you can definitely explain yourself at that time...honestly.

I am not sure I'd tell your H although it may not be a bad idea if done in a way that lets him know how you are still having a hard time trusting him or his resolve.

During my H's longest A I wrote to the OW quite a few times...as myself. I told her just what I thought of her and that I was't going away quietly. Most would say I wasn't wise to do that but I was just going on my own adrenaline and impulses at the time with no direction like MB. I never got a response from her. When I confronted her a couple of times she just bold faced lied to my face. I felt I was just fighting for my H and family. But, it wasn't until he totally went to live with her that reality set in and their fantasy collapsed.

Don't beat yourself up. This probably won't have an effect on the outcome one way or another.

Well, I said "Hey, how are you? Everthing is going okay here. Sure glad it's spring with a smiley face". (they used these icons a lot) and signed it me. Her response was general, saying they had a lot of rain, her husband was doing work around their house and it said to write back soon.

Thanks for the advice, I don't think she has contacted him, yet. I had tried to contact her in the past, she has caller ID and would never p.u. the phone. I really know deep down that it isn't just her, if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. Especially with my husband's M.O.

I had some pretty strong advice here that it was my obligation to contact OW's S and clue him in to what had went on, but I just can't seem to do it. I wasn't sure she was still married bc she told my H that she was deciding between the two of them before he sent the NC e-mail. He, on the other hand, stated he was not deciding between the two of us, he was only with me bc of financial reasons (this was in his e-mails to her that I read, I guess this fog talk.)

I'm sure u r right, I shouldn't beat myself up. I just can't seem to get past all of the communication I saw, it just plays over and over in my head.

When the persistent thoughts come into your head you need not pay attention to them. You don't have to give them the power. Try stopping mid thought or memory and have a star down contest with the thought. This will cause it to disapate. I know it sounds weird..but it worked for me. We really do not need to engage those thoughts just because they enter out minds compulsively. They aren't helping you heal.

I do think you should have definitely informed her H. Then you would possibly have another person keeping an eye on NC.
You still should consider doing it.

Yes, it wasn't only her but your H as well. If he isn't totally involved in recovery you will likely experience another of his A's in the future.

You want to keep working toward real recovery. IS he willing to do any of the work?

I am going to try this again, third times a charm!

Trix, thanks, I also try to tell myself that thinking about OW is giving her power and I don't want to do that.

As far as informing her H, I found this website and the advice on exposing the A at the end of February. I posted about this and Melody Lane advised me to for the other person. Problem is, I did make calls to her and I was afraid of two things. One, she would spin it to her H as I have the proble and two it wouldn't help my M recover. I am not really concerned with another person keeping my husband straight, if he doesn't resolve his issues, he will keep on having A's. Or I guess at that point it will be called dating bc I won't be around!

He has serious problems from his childhood which includes being sexually abused by one sister, told by his father at the age of 5 that he is still his son and to not listen to what others say (which he then figured out his mom must have had an affair), his mom pretty much abandoned him emotionally and was physically not around most of the time. My H believes that acknowledging this to his IC is enough and now it is resolved and time to move on. I think that unless he deals with all this, the A's will continue. He was in IC and stopped in September. He went once this February after I called his therapist for advice on how to encourage him to go to counseling. She instead called him and let him know I called her w/o even knowing what I wanted!

I have been in IC since the 1st d-day. My insurance only paid for 4 MC sessions, which we had after d-day #1. These were in-effective as he was continuing his A, which was an EA at that time due to my H moving out of state.

H seems agreeable to MC, but we have gone to one therapist about 3.5 yrs ago who didn't help and the one above. I would only want one who focused on the A first, then on the marriage problems. We don't have a lot of money right now for this as there is only my income and kids in college.

I haven't told my IC about what I did, I feel like an alian right now!

Our last therapist used Rational Emotive Therapy. He recommended that we each read the book Three Minute Therapy:


Three Minute Therapy

To help us change our way of behaving and the choices we've made.

One helpful discussion the therapist had with my H had to do with the meaning of commitment. It seemed my H really hadn't understood what it meant before.

If you don't really feel like he is really commited to the M and wanting to be a different, improved man, then he probably isn't. I think he should be actively showing you how commited, remorseful, repentant he is for all the hurt he has caused. I think he should willingly be an open book. I agree that we can only change ourselve. Then you will have to decide about your own bounderies.

Did you read LB, HNHN, and/or SAA aloud together. If you can afford it, you can buy and do the MB home study program with the tapes and books together.

Trix,

Thanks, I checked out the site briefly, will look more tonight as I am still at work.

I guess you hit the nail on the head, I don't feel he is committed to the recovery. I have asked him why he never reads anything and he either says he doesn't know, or its all about the affair and that makes him feel bad and guilty. (He feels bad, please!) Early this morning I read a post by Suzet that had a link to a post from a WS back in 2001. It was awesome. I saved it and plan to show it to my H. He said that the WS shouldn't be asking the BS what they want, they should be reading and making efforts to find out on their own what a WS should do. In part, bc the BS isn't capable at first to do this. I really liked that and would appreciate it if my H would not just react to what I've read or thought about but made an effort on his own. I always wanted this and really never knew about fog or withrawel on the part of the WS until recently. I know that I didn't think, nor even care to be honest, if it was painful for him to have NC. Maybe selfish but that is what happened.

I have read HNHN on the plane, I thought it was great! I printed out the questionaires a couple of days ago from the MB website. I would like to do the homestudy course, would actually like to do the weekend seminar too but that is close after the grand opening of our store at the end of this month so the timing isn't good.

Have you and your H recovered/reconciled?

Nabohio,
I read your first post and got rady to respond however when the board booted me I decided not to.

Not that I'm lazy. It was bc I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I have done something very similar to your e-mail.

In fact very similar to your e-mail. You see my wife has only admitted to things when she's confronted with evidence and usually irrefutible evidence.

My trust was broken with my wife thanks to the affair. How do you restore trust? IMHO at the time you test to see if the person is trustworthy again.

I tested my wife by sending her a few e-mails. She told me about one.

My wife also never wanted to give information concerning the affair so how do you get the info? Ask the other party. I sent OM an e-mail pretending to be my W. Basically saying that I (my wife) hadn't come complketely clean about the affair and looking for his advice on what to reveal.

Got some info, but ended up getting a bunch of "you'll always be my soulmate...yadadie, yadadie.

All of this was done at alow point.

Bottom line is I started feeling better about my situation so I didn't need to keep up the charade.

Another similarity is that IMHO my wife did very little to repair and alter the marriage other than NC.

Wouldn't talk about details

Thought MC was for me

Wouldn't read any of the 20 books I bought or brought home from the library.

Still hasn't had a talk with DD who asked, "Did Mom cheat on you?"

Never really sat the other kids down to say mom did something she regrets which affected her relationship with them as well as Dad.

I understand your frustration. Been there. It doesn't help recovery one bit when you feel as though you're the only one working on it.

Mac

PS I appologize in advance for my spelling. Not much of a typist. You'd think this new software would have spell check. You here me, Tempest? lol

Mac,

Thanks for the post. Yes, I agree, this is an embarressing and juvenile thing to have done, but I did feel like in the MB forum, it is ok to admit to it, especially in order to get help with it.

How old is your daughter? My oldest son asked the same thing on the same day as D-day #1 as he came in during some of it. He asked if there was someone else and I said that well, let's just say that I don't believe in that kind of thing and I won't do it. I know that many people advice it can happen to anyone. I've been in situations before where things were getting too close and I stepped away before it became inappropriate. I'm certainly not perfect, but I try to be in tune with boundaries. My H was upset that I handled my son's q this way. However, it being on D-day and all, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly.

How are things going for you now? Did the OM ever know it wasn't ur WW? How about ur WW, did she ever find out?

Don't worry about the spelling, I'm bad too!

Nab,
I'm out of town so don't have alot of access to a computer.

It's my middle of 3 daughters. She's 15.

OM suspected but I fooled him.

My W actually discovered the account. The name was similar to her reugular account so she figured it out.

Oh well.

I gave a half lie to protect my wife as well. Felt guilty about it and asked my wife to have a talk with D2. Taht was in January. Still waiting.....

More later

Mac

ok, safe trip!