and yes, i do know you do not like i'ville <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> TOUGH!!!

i'm copying this here cuz i like it and my response and it will get so lost in I'VILLE.

bob pure wrote:
hopeless theme. yes, i see it too Bob. way too clearly. and it is really not a productive outlook for me to have. i recognize that.




is that what this always boils down to?? i just need more patience again?? i swear, i don't mean to be saying i just want him to get over it already.

please understand he detached from me long ago, years before i found the d#mn internet and chatting.

i do believe i need to keep myself from letting the long ago past influence me. that is long ago HISTORY. i do believe i am letting that worry me too much. i do i think i get to feeling hopeless due to that instead of staying in the present.

aussieswife said:
i don't think i could ever learn to live that way. i'm not wired that way, it would kill me. i swear, i don't mean to sound dramatic here. i mean i could live with it happening once in a while, but not on a regular basis like before.

there i go again, thinking about "before"...

No good advice for you this morning FL. I hear what you're saying though, I'd rather my H pour out his wrath on me than be detached. I'm sure it's your H's defense mechanism to protect his heart. Yet he was detached before the A as well (???) Is he this way in other R's, such as with the kids, his folks, etc?

You know where I stand on this. There comes a time for the BS to fish or cut bait, just as there is for the WS. Not to say a BS should never have bad days, weeks, even months, nor ever be affected by triggers, (it's ridiculous to think just because they stayed things are all honky dory, peaches and cream), BUT I do think when the decision to stay has been reached, then BOTH the WS AND BS have to give it all they've got. That does not include being completely indifferent/detached. Imagine a supposed FWS being indifferent/detached while supposedly in recovery? I'm probably biased and a tad naive though because my H made up his mind and went for it, no holds barred.

As for Kohl's, I was j/k with my uppity attitude. I shop there all the time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope you are well today,

~ad

Hi AD,

i'm doing ok today.

RIF gave me some good stuff to read today in i'ville(robby hates it when you say i'ville!! HI ROBBY!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )

RIF said:


RIF is such a good cheerleader!!

thanks for the Hi AD, you are a sweetie!! (and i was not worried about your opinion, good or bad, about Kohl's!!)

FL,

I read this thread and I am almost in tears.

You know why.

Dear FL, I want so much for you to have happiness. And I know you want that with Mr. FL.

But you can't MAKE him come around.

It is the old servant's heart. You have the servant's heart for him, because that is what it means to love him. And it doesn't imply, come with, or guarantee that you will get one back. It may not be in him. I don't know him, I have never talked to him. I can't really say from only hearing what you say.

My heart does break for you. A one-sided relationship is pretty sad.

Steel your heart. Stay the course. Distance is better than indifference. You said indifferent earlier. I don't see that in him. I see fear. Caution. Indifference comes with some serious selfish behavior. It may hurt, but if it were me, I wouldn't quit on him yet.

He has a lot to swallow. Give him some time. You are doing great, and you may not get your rewards for your efforts here, but they are being stored in heaven. Even after what you did, your soul in God's eyes will be redeemed through your walk right now. (QUIET. No arguing. It WILL.)

Email me at rapandncw@nc.rr.com if you want to trade my new number.

NCW

HI NCW,

oh, don't worry about me that much. i fear i let myself conclude things are worse than they really are. i have such a fear of the marriage being as it once was, but it cannot be like it was, Iam too different.

you are right, distance is different than indifference, he does have a lot to swallow and it is understandable for him to have fears and need lots of time.

don't worry, i have absolutely NO thoughts of giving up and quitting!!!

today he brought a candle out to the porch when we were sitting out there for me. i love candles. i know he wants us to be close. i just know it. i just have to hold my fear back. that is where the MB cheerleaders come in <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

patience and showing him lots of love. that is my plan.

it sure feels better when i am hopeful than when i am not!! I'll have to reproduce these thoughts in my journal before i go to bed tonight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> so i can go back and read my own words when my own fear hits. be my own cheerleader sometimes too.

as always, thanks for your support.

i've only talked to rap once (and it was briefly) since you started your new job, almost called her today but ran out of time. i sent i hi to you thru eric, did you get it?

any changes with what is going on with you and rap??? (sorry, i am still hoping your situation will have a miraculous turn around, although i worry that if it happened now, it would be too late).

either way, i know you will be ok. it is really nice to see you on the new boards!!

Even with all that has happened, I would take her back.

But it would have to be with

The Rule of Care
The Rule of Protection
The Policy of Joint Agreement
The Policy of Radical Honesty

fully in effect.

I would do no less for her. I did no less for her the first time. Made some mistakes, but that IS what I did.

Her recent actions have told me CLEARLY that she is not serious about being my wife. The wife of my youth. The wife I knew when I stood at the altar. She is the WS, remember? I trusted in the principles of the board, I trusted in her. She burned me.

She can come back. When she is ready to be the wife of the husband I have ALREADY SHOWN I can be. And I will meet her halfway. I really will. But I went ALL the way accross the gorge the last time, and I can't suffer that pain again. No. I won't. There are too many people who appreciate someone who serves. I showed her, to the best of my ability, what a Christlike husband and father looks like. And it wasn't good enough. Didn't meet her "needs."

No. The problem is hers. I am certain of that now. Took too many steps to make sure. Don't get me wrong, I am not a perfect man, nor a perfect husband. But her actions resulting from my transgressions are WAY out of proportion to the latter.

It just isn't in her. She doesn't have the servant's heart.

NCW