I had a very brief affair with a guy at my former work place about 4 months back. I was married for 10 years and have 2 children. I was friends with this OM and most thoroughly convinced myself he is just my friend but somehow did not tell my husband he was my friend(actually he was my mentor at new job). But now it seems I was flirting with him and one day I had to stay back late and work and had wine(I dont drink so even small quantities make me drunk) this man kissed me in his car and I responded. The kiss made me so guilty I could not sleep that night and focus on my work the next day. I told my H that day that I was attracted to this guy maybe. Slowly over the next 2 weeks I told him all details of the kiss and all other coffee/lunch interactions I had with him. As soon as i told my H(that is the day after the kiss day) there was nothing I felt for this OM and without any problem had NC and even quit my job. Once the OM tried to contact me I complained to my boss about him.
We both want to recover and move on. But there is huge amount of pain that we both are dealing with each day.

I know my H since my childhood and we always thought we are made for each other. I still believe that and keep on telling my H that but he cannot bring himself to accept that now. I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil becos of lack of identity, self esteem, a sense of security etc which might have lead me to do this.

I cannot bring myself to reconcile that I could do this to my H whom I loved so much and dearly. I keep on remembering the promises we made and feel totally sad that I broke them all with my lying and cheating.

I keep on rememberng myself as a young girl with so much dreams with no knowledge I would be hurting the person I love the most ever and I would hurt myself so much. This makes me cry endlessly. I was supposed to be a very good girl. Now I feel I dont deserve to be loved and there should be some big punishment which will take away my pain.

There are times when I try to forget my actions but then my H would be replaying the tape in his head imaging OMs lips on my cheeks and lips. Yesterday we had a huge argument which put up back to DDay again.

We really dont understand how we will ever be able to get over this. My H trusted me completely and this is what I did. Can anyone please advice me.

Hi, Grave.

Here is a link to one of Dr. Harley's articles on surviving infidelity.

Please read it and get a feel for some of the underlying principles for recovery used on this site. That will get you off and running.

All the best,
Gimble

I have gone through surviving infidelity section. We both understand it on a theoretical level but not on an emotional level. I cannot get over the hurt I caused myself and my dear H

Grave, have you been to IC? It sounds to me like you really need to talk this through with a professional. Sweetie, many of us here have made mistakes even bigger than yours. You must find it within yourself to forgive yourself and accept your H's forgiveness. Do you have a faith you can turn to? Sending MB hugs your way. {{Grave}}

FF, I am so glad someone wrote back. I am not into IC or MC. I am a catholic by faith and I have returned back to church after this(I had abandoned church a few years ago). How were u able to forgive yourself or your spouse?

Grave,

My FWW did something similar to your story about 6 months ago now. It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right (NC, switch jobs...) so how is your H responding to this? You said you had a fight recently that took you back to DDay. Has he begun to forgive you yet? Being completely open and honest is really important. IC and MC can really help, but more importantly you have to talk to each other.

My FWW and I went to MC with our pastor and more than anything that he had to say or help us with, just the act of being there gave us permission to talk about things we had avoided discussing for years. Are you being completely open with each other?

I ask because I feel like we have gotten to the point where my FWW is punishing herself for what happened. To a degree it is healthy and can show your H that you really are remorseful. When you feel those things, use it to be honest and get closer to your H.

I wasn't able to forgive my FWW until I saw the remorse. I think she is beginning to forgive herself because she sees that it isn't tearing me apart all the time anymore.

One thing that can help is to concentrate on making new memories and moving in new directions. If you are constantly thinking about the past, then you are living in the past. At first it takes some conscious effort to let it go, but it gets easier. I wish I could get my FWW on here to tell you her side. Hope this helps

Grave, my A was several years ago but my H did not know about it until about 6 months ago. Until he knew and we worked through some of it I was unable to forgive myself or accept God's forgiveness. Once the chains were off of me so to speak, I was finally able to hold my head up and really accept the forgiveness of our Lord.

It was finally being open and hones that did it. I confessed to some close friends and our church leaders as well as made a confession in front of our church congregation. Spiritual cleansing if you will. Have you asked and accepted God's forgiveness for your sins? Has your H forgiven you yet? Have you asked him for forgiveness?

Sorry for all the questions but they may help you on your walk.

^bump^
Grave, you around? How are you doing?

^bump^ Grave, I saw you posting. Can you update?

Grave-

I've got to agree, I think that MC or IC (or both) would do you and your husband a ton of good. It sounds to me as though there are other issues at play here besides the one time kiss you shared with OM.

[color:"green"]Hi Grave...

I have to agree with the others, I think counseling can really help, especially marriage counseling. A good marriage counselor will be able to provide you with a "safe place" for your and your hubby to figure out why the affair happened in the first place.

I would like to also recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's a great book for learning how A's happen - how easily they can happen given the right circumstances.

Keep posting too - I think it helps to know that you are not the only one out there going through all this. [/color]

God Bless,
Carol