For those of you dealing with WS involved in EA's only.
My FWH had an EA (mostly in his mind) with a woman he spent 4 hours with on the golf course. Exchanged tele#'s. 2 months later he had heard NADA from her (Guess she was real interested), then after a golf outing he must have been really "missing" this new friend he spent all of 4 hours with, so he calls her and they make plans to meet for drinks. Mind you she did not know he was married. After D day I made him call her...left a message saying...sorry...but...i...am...married....sorry...to ...hurt....you!!! Then he calls her again 2 weeks later behind my back...not sure what was discussed. Since then I have no knowledge of any contact....but 6 months later he still puts himself in every possible situation he can to "accidently" run into her. He has her tele#, knows where she works....

Is this normal addiction after a two day EA that ended 6 months ago? Again I believe he has NC. Friends that he hangs out with believe there is NC. Personally I do not think she ever had that much interest in him, and thus I believe she hasn't has any NC with him. Is he still holding on to a big fat fantasy...I can't get him to see anything good in me because he keeps thinking about her.

I don't know your whole story, and I've only lurked on this site for a while, but I've been involved in another site for quite some time, and I'm also a BS...my wife had a two month EA.

From what I've seen and learned, it sounds to me as though he's not told you everything. I just can't see the amount and quality of the contact you've described to be sufficient to maintain an EA for almost anyone. Either he's TRULY alone in a fantasy world, or there has been a lot more contact than he's admitted to.

Just my thoughts.

You are not the first person to say that to me...and when I hear that I start freakin out again. But as I said I can find no evidence of tele contact on his cell, but he could have called her from his work.
I checked the cell records before D day and found no calls placed or received. (I found out initially because her name and number was in his cell) His best friend has asked WH if he has seen her and he says no.

When I made him call her he left a message and it was "I was thinking about last night and....." Nothing implied that this had been going on for awhile. Like I said he did call her two weeks later and chatted for 4 minutes. He said he left a message but I think 4 minutes is a very long message. Maybe other cell phone users would know better.
Who knows maybe they set up another time to meet. Maybe she blew him off, maybe she is waiting in the wings until we divorce. But if that were the case wouldn't he be jumping on the D wagon. Is there anyway short on contacting HER to find out?

OK the truth has come out. Guess my WH has "run in" to the OW at least 4 more times since the Dday. He claims there is nothing run with that, that they have a Hi how are you doing relationship. Only thing is that he frequents the places he knows she may be. Says he hasn't called her or vice versa and that it has all been coincidental. She knows he is married, but they don't talk about that. Not sure if he told her he is seperated, she doesn't know he has kids. He is now angry at me that I forced him to come clean....says"It's not about her...its you". Doesn't want to work on the marriage, won't tell me if he loves me or not....just repsonds..."not right now I don't"...what they hell does that mean...does he or doesn't he?

Anyhow when I brought up getting things together to file for a D since he didn't want to work on things...he blew up...said he wasn't talking to no one and no one was going to split up his money. then he hung up. Being the idiot that I am I went to his office and a show down persued. Lots of crying (me) yelling etc....and I on the verge of a nervous breakdown, said the unthinkable to try to stop him from walking out the door. I won't repeat it but it had something to do with me hurting myself.

So of course now I am psychotic....I was stupid and grabbed at the last thing I could to see if he cared about me. well
he took me home, made dinner for the girls...but would not talk to me anymore about anything. I will be seeing my IC today, not sure what to say to him. I have nothing left to give to this fight...I am broken..empty. My WH sits at his desk busily going through his work for the day and all I can think about is what the hell did I do to make him hate me so....I asked them that yesterday....he had no answer.'
I told him more than half of my difficulties lie in the fact that he never responds to me. Even something hurtful yet concrete would be better than nothing.

My FWW had an EA that turned into a "minor" PA (kissing & groping). Of course there's a lot going on with your M but here's a few things....

My FWW didn't want to talk and share for a couple of reasons. She thought she would hurt me further. Tell him the honest truth hurts a lot less than a pain lied about and covered up. She also was ashamed. Every time we would talk she would feel shamed and guilty and that she was an awful person. I know that it is REALLY hard to do as a BS, but you have to make an effort to create a safe space for them to talk. If WH feels like you are going to explode or be at risk for hurting yourself if he says anything, of course he won't!!! Is the truth going to hurt? I'll bet. But it's not as bad as your imagination. One thing to note - when I did gain control of my reactions, the ironic thing is that she would act when telling me things like I reacted how she feared I would act. (Wow, that seems circular doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

Their perceptions are warped, but yours can easily be too. It helps to set boundries around discussions and not let them wander wherever or escalate. One thing that can help a lot is to have conversations impersonally - by email, IM, or even letters. That way you can think and have time to respond, answer at you own convenience, and it takes some of the heated emotion out of it by not seeing the pain in each other's eyes.

Read "Not Just Friends". It's a book on emotional affairs. It helps a lot.

If he is haunting places he knows she frequents, there is most assuredly more there than he has told you. WS's that have EAs seldom admit that they even had an A or that EAs actually exist. It took my FWW a while to even admit that EAs are legitimate As.

Do you know what it is that he wanted with OW? Was it excitement, or were there unmet needs in the M? I was able to get my FWW to open up about what I wanted to know after I opened up about my part in setting the stage. Of course it's not your fault that he chose to stray, but he may think it is, and you genuinely may not have been meeting all of his needs beforehand.

If you let him know that you take responsibility for anything you may not have been doing well in the M before, he'll probably be a lot more receptive to anything you might have to say. Remember to stay calm (not emotionless).

Keep in mind that anything that you do wrong (Love Busters) only justifies his actions to him. Avoid them.

Unless you really don't want to work things out, don't talk divorce. He created the situation and divorce is one of the consequences, but if he wants divorce, make him do it.

Of course he is ticked that you want to know the details. They NEVER want to give up any of their privacy, at least at first. That's the only way he can hold on to the fantasy, and by telling you he also admits how wrong he was. Don't push for all the details now, even though you're dying to know.

Try to pull yourself together a little, for yourself and the kids. They are depending on you. You don't have to hide your pain away, but don't go to pieces.

Sorry I rambled and went all over the place. Hope something here helps!

Hi jcmHomer,

[color:"blue"]
EA 7/04-9/04
DD 9/24/04
He moved out 10/04
Plan A since 9/04 nothings changed
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This sequence of events leads me to think that it was more than a 4 hour crush. I'd think only a highly unstable person would move out of their family home over something as minor as a moviestar crush. Did he really move out over THIS??? Yikes!

Is he remorseful in anyway?

You know, several people here have used Lie Detection Servics with their WS's. They are listed in the phone book under 'Lie Detection', and I've heard it costs a few hundred dollars for 4-5 questions. Would he agree? You two in MC?

Either way; it was either MORE than he says, or he's Very unhealthy... I cant see any winners here. I hope someone else can come up with some better options for you.

Please think about how you need to start taking care of things... either way, you have a lot to deal with. Please take care - Dru

Hi JCMH-

Like others have said, I think there is much more going on. From what I have read and from my own experience, EA's tend to develop slowly over some time. I would think that he had to have more than 4 hours contact before developing this crush. Mine developed rather quickly but we were old work buddies so we had an existing friendship already.

I agree with Down but Trying, Read "Not Just Friends". It's a great book for those on either side of an affair.

Has he expressed any interest in reconciling or is he fence-sitting?

Homer, I hope you do talk to your IC about how you are feeling. I understand where you are coming from, but I just don't want to see you hurt yourself. Are you taking any anti depressants? I would see about getting on them while you are going through this rough time.

God Bless,
Carol