Hello everyone,
Well I called the volunteer laywer group in Maine, and made a telephone appointment for today. I can't afford a lawyer so this is my only choice. *sigh* This isn't what I want!
In Maine, in order to get child custody or make sure he can't take the kids, I have to file for a divorce. I can't do a custody hearing without a divorce.
What it boils down to is that my kids are more inportant to me then my WH is.. I am crying my eyes out...this stinks...bad.
So now they are talking to me about how to serve him, etc. In Maine if you want a divorce you can have one tomorrow...this is to easy. To hard emotionally, to easy with paperwork.
I am on hold because they are trying to find out about serving someone with no valid address...

*in tears* Danielle

dani---hang in there---you've done everything you can. you HAVE to protect the kids. if and when he gets it, it can all be renegotiated then. do what you need to do to be safe from the chaos. i am sorry it has come to this....but what other choice has he given you other than stayin on the drama train???

None...no other choice.

I just got off of the phone with them. They provide assistance filing out the paperwork, etc. They do not provide a lawyer unless he gets one. If he gets a lawyer then they provide me with one. They said they do this because unless he has a lawyer it will be smooth sailing for me, because of the situation. She said she will send me paperwork to read, and I am to go to the court, and fill out the divorce paperwork. I hire a sheriff to serve him for $50, and if they can't find him then I put it in the paper for 30 days. If still no responce I can go through the procedings without him. I don't even know where he lives, and he has no job! This stinks. She said I can be divorced within 30 days. Why is this so easy? What is this world coming to?
I want the old him back...
I just want to go back to bed....

Danielle

Go back to bed sweetie. It's OK to let yourself be down. Not every day will be like this.

BUT....a D is the legal separation of a business partnership. A necessary step to disentangle yourself from the financial mess. This will enable you to make clearer choices about YOUR plans, and think what is best for the kids.

This is NOT the end of your R with your WH. He will be in your life forever. And a D does NOT mean the END!!!!

I am sorry it has come to this Dani. I am right there with you, but at least my WH is still around. {{dani}}

Hi Dani,
I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. I know that this is hard on you. However you are doing the right thing for you and your kids. This might just be the wake up call he needs as well. When I filled out the paperwork to file, my H freaked out and with in two weeks was back at home. Not that my sistuation is the best, but it is always an option. If he does not wake up and make the right choice, then at least you are no longer wasteing your life and your love on a man that does not deserve it. You can start living for yourself and your kids, and you will find that you are happier. Hang in there Dani- I am here if you need me.

Thank you all for the kind words. I feel like a deer in the headlights. I don't want to do this, and I mourn for the loss of my family and the man I married and have such wonderful memories with. I feel like I will always be longing for his return. The finalization of it all is hitting me hard.
Danielle

Has anyone filed in Maine, or filed without a laywer for that matter?
I am shocked that the low income aid does not help with lawyers unless the second party has one. Any tips?
I will be picking up the paperwork to file on Monday....
Danielle

D,
I met with two lawyers today to chose who I will use. I'm not in Maine and I have no choice but to get a good lawyer. My H makes big $ and I have always supported him but do not have my own income. What ever I negotiate now is all I will ever have. The sitch is different to you but the emotions of not wanting to be here is the same. I just want to find a warm corner and rock until my H loves me agian. But the harsh reality is he won't -so I have to learn to love myself. New experiences are what this journey has install for us.This isn't easy but we will make itand be stronger for it. Let us know how it pans out for you.
S

Well I just called my MIL to see if she needed me to bring anything for lunch. I am going there Sunday for lunch with the kids. She informed me that WH and OW (with kids) came to her place of work yesterday. She said that WH has been in the state for a few days. He showed interest in OW and he staying with them, but they are disgusted by OW and do not want her around their house. I feel sick...
I don't know why I am so upset that he is in Maine...but I am.
I went to the state to get medicaid today, and of course I had to file an absent parent thing. They want to know WHERE he lives..like I know..WH wouldn't even tell his Mom.
Now I have to go to court on the 21st in VA, and I know OW won't be able to be served since she lives here now.
You know, I don't deserve this, and neither do my kids.
I love him so much, my heart melts when I think of him, but he isn't 'him' and at this point I don't think he ever can be. I feel like this is a bad nightmare and the only way out is a divorce....
Danielle

Just sending you hugs {{Dani}}

Thank you FF, hugs are much needed right now.

I feel physically sick.

I went to my aunts house for dinner tonight and the kids wanted to visit with their cousins. As I am sitting at a gas station pumping gas I notice WHs truck sitting in the parking lot. I stop pumping (at 4.75) and get in the car and drive off. Guess who follows me? OW in WHs truck...
I pulled off to the side to let her pass me, and she pulled off as well. I picked up my phone to call the police, and she saw me on the phone and drove the other way. This gas station was near my aunts house, about an hour from where WH is staying. WHY was she there? To find me? GO AWAY!

I was eating dinner with my aunt and felt so sick that I couldn't stand myself. I went upstairs and called my MIL. I told her that I am worried about the kids and I's safety, and I feel threatened in my own town. She told me that WH is now living in Westport (like over an hour away). He does not have a job, but the OW and her 3 kids are living there as well. He told his mother that I have been denying him the right to see his kids, I won't let him talk to them, etc. That is all a lie. I am the one who has TRIED to get him to spend time with them. Then she asks if I am scared of him. I said yes. She got quiet. She said that he seemed sincere and wanted to see the kids. She said she does not know his exact address or telephone number but that if she sees him would I be okay in her giving him my cell phone number. I said 'he has had this number for months'....it is what the OW used to call and harass me last week. My MIL would like WH to come to dinner at her house and have the kids and I there so he can see them. I don't know anymore, I just don't know. Both they and I are sick that OW is here...it is so disturbing..

Danielle

gross gross gross...

danielle...

set your boundaries now clear with mother-in-law...

1. tell her that you like her have loved her son with all your heart.

2. tell her right now though that you do not feel safe with his ACTIONS

3. tell her there is something extremely unsettling about his words of wanting to see his children but then doing nothing close to equaling that in action.

4. tell her that there is NOTHING normal about a son NOT giving his own mother his phone number and address

5. tell her that there is NOTHING normal about a husband who says he wants to see his children NOT giving the mother of these children a phone number so that HE can be reached in an emergency.

6. Tell your MIL that you also would like nothing more than your children to re-united with their father..but that this MAN acts NOTHING like a FATHER...and fear greatly the emotional trauma that he is willing to bring in to their lives....
he has threatened before that this woman will be forced upon them as their step-mother...

I do not think you should for one second agree to meet at your MIL's house...but should perhaps consider a public meeting at a park with him, the children and YOUR MIL...and your family...

somewhere public...but I am not pushing for this right now....

the other option is for him to come to where you are staying again with lots of family around as well...

she is creepy danielle...

be calm
be serene
be strong....

he is so so lost....
and you will have to protect them from him right now....

blessings to you...
ARK

Please, please immediately get an ro against ow and stbxh immediately.

Her behavior is nothing less than stalking...and who in their right mind would stalk a betrayed wife with children? You're right...a sick and demented individual. She may be dangerous dani...I have read what she's done over the last few weeks...her behavior is escalating. I think that possibly things aren't as rosy as they would like them to be and remember....as of now, YOU are the glue that binds them together...they blame YOU for the dismissal from armed services and the discipline...heck, your stbxh may even blame you for his not having a job...all of it leads to one thing...dangerous behaviors from two persons who are imho...professionally and personally btw...sick.

as for dealing with your MIL...I once had a wonderful relationship with my xil's...they were supportive of me..in the beginning..of my divorce. They prayed with me, said they were in agreement with my choices, but in the end, sided with my xh on everything...down to accepting and welcoming their ow/dil into their lives...and her being preggers when I was still married legally. enough to make you sick. I barely speak to them anymore. blood is thicker than water danielle. some families can see the truth, but most unfortunately side with their children or sisters or brothers. If the mil thinks she may not see the kids as much or if she thinks her precious son is truly earnest in his desires to see the kids, she will side with him. remember...she is wanting to break your boundaries right now. You have also told her that you feel unsafe...does she respect this? No.

Orchid? are you here on this one? It is a safety issue and one that requires your personal touch ok?

stay close to your family. file as soon as possible. get the ro's to protect you and the kids from ow/stalker. she is dangerous imho. she has taunted you at every turn, even being sick and explicit as she was when you accidentally saw them when returning your stbxh's belongings.

these two people do NOT need your children around them...and your stbxh is not being a dad right now...he's not stable in any way. he cannot provide for them, is living immorally, and imho is abusive mentally and verbally to you and also is potentially violent as well...

You see dani, he blames HIS problems...his sins...on you...he is unable to accept the reality of his own actions. it is pure fog and a very very thick one.

I miss my xh too...the man I once knew. He is somebody different now. Might I suggest something? If you have a family minister, or spiritual advisor, I suggest that now you have a personal ceremony where you lay to rest the marriage. Your H as you know him now is no longer there. You do and are not pursuing a divorce because you want to..but instead because it is a last choice...one only to protect yourself and your kids.

It is ok to love your H. but now, you must completely understand that he is not this man anymore. Only the Heavenly Father can raise the dead and the spiritually dead...and as of today, as of now, you need to focus on the present and what is at hand...that would be securing safety for you and the babies, legal security, legal protection in the form of a divorce, and until stbxh is proven sane by a forensic psych evaluator, you will NOT have the kids around him and you also will NOT allow yourself to be around him.

Please do what ark suggested...and I second it. Let MIL know that you do love her son...that this is NOT about retribution for his affair..it is about her son going off the deep end and be forthright to her. It's not the time to be soft or easy...she may not understand how seriously ill her son is right now...and how much potential danger he has placed you and the kids in. Show her the police reports. I would not give her any personal info either...as I believe she's feedint it to stbxh..thus heralding the ow finding your truck and stalking you.

Now when my home was broken into almost 2 years ago by my stbxh (then), my il's were completely in denial about the whole thing. He actually convinced them that I HAD him arrested for the breakin ( I was at work...my next door neighbor witnessed him breaking into my family room window via my backyard deck)and that he was only "getting a few of his things" back when he illegally entered my home. My stance of tough love they once embraced villified me in their eyes...my xh blamed and blamed and when it came time for financial support, his anger at my exposing him for who and what he had become flew out of control...he lied and dispersed illegally incomes to these same relatives who swore once to stand by my side thru thick and thin...and through the divorce too. Please understand this.

You can still love somebody. I lost my father five years ago. I still love him immensely. I feel as though my divorce was a death...a death of the man I had known. It is that. A death. And you mourn. and you grieve. and you also make decisions just like after a loved one dies. thus, you have to remain tough and smart during the stress.

do not let anything slip thru the cracks now. I would keep family members and friends close by. inform them of your whereabouts almost hourly. I would let them know how to reach you at all times. that way they can check in on you and make sure you and the kids are safe. remember also that criminals like to hide in the dark....kinda like affairs. if others are apt to see their criminal behavior, it is a deterrant to them. I would also call the local police and show them all legal docs and provide them with copies so they are aware that you have been the victim of spousal abuse and you are living in fear from the ow...inform the officials as well now.

so for now, here's your gameplan:
get safe
get ro in force for ow and stbxh based on present ro and rulings
file immediately for divorce..if you can't find him to have him served, have him served at your mil's house. and she can provide the officer the info as to where he is or else she will be found guilty of impeding justice or aiding and abetting..or something like that I think...(in ga and tn it's something similar to that if you knowingly lie to law enforcement)
have relatives on YOUR side surrounding you. make sure your closest friends and family know where you are at all times. If you go to store, tell them the road you're taking.

in the end, this craziness period will pass. Mine did. Once the reality of what they have done sets in, don't expect the wackiness to go away...it will subside a bit though. and remember, it is loving and it is good to let go...to pray for them and at same time mourn the loss of your husband. He is not present anymore. Only our Lord can raise the spiritually and physically dead. It's outta your hands now. You did all you could do. Please be at peace. Do these things not out of anything but love and protection...for your kids and for yourself now. Keeping safe distances from sick individuals is loving and protecting your kids.

I lived this. I know what to expect. Please make it tough for them to break YOUR boundaries now. It will also give you the peace to lay this pain to rest.

and be aware, it's common during this kinda stress to be depressed. see a doc and maybe get on a good med like lexapro if needed...heck, I did. worked great. It made me be able to think and subtract out my emotions. not any bad side effects, and it reaches pharma steady state within days versus weeks of others. Many patients I work with are on it...and they're doing well. talk frequently to a minister or counselor. get your anger and feelings out positively.

you're not really in plan b now, but plan d. and it's ok. some foggy people don't come back. they change permanently. others may in time. but now is the time to not hold unrealistic hopes but to deal with the present effectively and do what you'd advise any other responsible, sane, protective, and loving mother to do in the same shoes. If your il's don't "get it" then just understand they are unable to either want to accept their son's a monster now or they are in denial severely.
]
May blessings and peace be with you and your little ones. You will survive this storm. with faith you can move mountains. with faith you can find new purposes, new goals. this is not about him anymore. it is about you and the children.

One of my favorite quotes is from Lilo and Stitch the movie...it's at the end...where stitch is getting ready to be sent back to his home planet...he says to the intergalactic chairman/leader something like this : Ohana means nobody gets left behind. I have a family. It is small, and broken, but still good.

My family may be small, and may have been broken, but with love, faith, and sweat and hard work, it will not be broken forever. a ring on my fourth finger of my left hand does not define who I am anymore. I instead proudly wear an heirloom birthstone ring on my right hand, fourth finger. I am in spirit "married" to my child, my family, and to my new definition of my family. I lead my family. I am proud to have that blessing to do so. I actively am trying to pray for my xh...but I know I must do it from afar. I do not wish to ever be sucked into such a hell on earth ever again.

focus on doing these things now. and work on reclaiming your identity, your role as mom and now head of this wonderful little family. Be still, and know God is with you and the kids...and He wants you to be wise now also...

get protection...take action...proceed full force ahead with love and determination!

Don't feel bad about protecting yourself and your kids. Get the restraining order and have the woman arrested if she comes near you.

If your mother in law wants to see the kids or wants her son to see the kids. Do it on your terms not hers.
Bring some friends along. That type of intimidation is BS.

YOU take control. You protect your kids. DO NOT trust the OM. She has not earned it. Next time you see her following you. CALL THE POLICE and let them find her.

I have not patience for that behavior.